The instant Sweetie Belle saw the small filly being carried by Cheerilee she abandoned Scootaloo and Applebloom to go meet her. Sweetie Belle ran right up to the two talking mares and interrupted their conversation, somewhat rudely, to ask:
“Wow Miss Cheerilee! I never knew you had a filly! What’s her name?”
“Well Rarity… uh, huh, what… oh hello there Sweetie Belle. Her name is Charity, I adopted her shortly before summer ended and school began.”
“Awwwwwwww. That is so sweet Cheerilee and she looks so precious, can she play with us?”
“Well that is why I brought her here Sweetie Belle, as Rarity organized this play date with you and your friends. Here I’ll walk her over to the lake; she can barely crawl let alone stand or walk yet.”
“Oh um… but why is that Miss Cheerilee? She looks way older than a newborn and us ponies can mmmmpphhh.”
Rarity shoved her hoof into Sweetie Belle’s mouth and said:
“That’s enough with the questions Sweetie, I’ll explain to you later in private.”
Cheerilee and Sweetie Belle then walked back to the other Cutie Mark Crusaders who were watching the whole time. Cheerilee then placed Charity on the grass and said:
“Hello girls. This is my filly Charity, she is here to play with you all, she is fragile so please be gentle with her. Sweetie Belle can introduce you.”
Cheerilee then walked back and sat on the bench with Rarity to continue their conversation. Charity just sat there with a confused look on her face as this was her first time interacting with other ponies besides her mother or the hospital staff. Scootaloo was the first to speak up:
“Wow cool we might have a new member for the Cutie Mark Crusaders!”
“Well ah reckon her flank is blank enough.”
“Umm hold on guys, we have to be really careful with her, Cheerilee said she can’t even stand up or walk yet.”
“Well that’s lame, what pony can’t even walk? She isn’t that young.”
Though still not a great speaker yet, Charity understood most of what ponies said now and felt really ashamed of herself. Charity then began crying loudly with tears running down her face. Sweetie Belle then yelled:
“Oh nice job Scootaloo, way to be insensitive.”
“Yeah Scootaloo, and with that thought ah reckon its lame you can’t even fly! Though ah wouldn’t be surprised since chickens can’t fly.”
Hearing that made Scootaloo instantly understand what she had done and she immediately starts apologizing to the pony as best as she could, which surprisingly did work. After Charity calmed down Scootaloo chose her words carefully and then asked:
“Well now what? What can we play that a filly who ca… who is still really young can also play?”
The three fillies pondered their thoughts while Charity took notice of the water and crawled over to it. Charity then shoved herself off the small ledge and splashed into the lake. Applebloom noticed the foal swimming and came up with an idea:
“Hey girls take a gander over there, the foal is swimmin’. I reckon we try for our swimming cutie marks!”
The two other ponies enthusiastically agree with her and they all go jumping into the lake, with Scootaloo using her wings to hover in the air for a moment before cannonballing in. Cheerilee and Rarity heard the splash and turned their attention to the lake to see all the ponies swimming. Cheerilee shouted at the Cutie Mark Crusaders:
“Girls! Please be careful with Charity, and don’t let her swim out of shallow water.”
The three ponies shout back okay in unison and return to earning their swimming cutie marks. Charity happily paddled about in the water that was shallow enough so that her hooves would touch the floor. Charity hated taking baths still but always loved any form of water deep enough for her to swim or stand up in. Cheerilee noticed as well and paid Applejack to build a shallow pool in her backyard, which she took Charity to daily for exercise. Charity was always somewhat of an attention grabber and liked to show off in any way she could. To get the CMC’s attention Charity swam over to some slightly shallower water and stood up saying:
“Look. Stand.”
The three ponies notice with both Applebloom and Sweetie Belle going awwwww but Scootaloo scoffs:
“Big deal. Let me know when she can stand on clouds, and then I’ll be impress… OW!”
Applebloom gave Scootaloo a good elbow to her stomach and reminded her to watch what she said again. Scootaloo then jumped onto Applebloom and knocked her into the water and the three ponies went back to playing around. Charity then got bored and decided to go swimming out into deeper water, as in her pool at home it was always shallow enough to stand in. Charity nearly makes it to the middle of the lake before without warning her leg muscles tire out and she struggles to stay afloat. Charity stars frantically flailing around and cries out:
“Mommy! Mommy! Help! MOMMY! He*gurgling sounds*”
Charity was then too tired to stay afloat any longer and she managed to take one more breath before sinking underwater. Cheerilee didn’t hear the word help clearly and thought that Charity was just showing her mother how good at swimming she was, so she just waved back and said:
“Mommy is so proud of you honey!”
Cheeilee’s pride quickly turns into panic when she sees her daughter sink below the surface of the water and not return after a few seconds. She quickly jumps up from the bench while frantically shouting “Oh no!” and gallops over to the side of the lake. Rarity startled by Cheerilee’s outburst follows close behind her and asks what is wrong. Cheerilee explained what she saw her filly do but then just stood there frozen not knowing what to do. Rarity understood the gravity of the situation and jumped into the lake, knowing it would ruin her new sundress she just designed. Rarity swam out to the middle of the lake and dove down, not resurfacing for several seconds. The CMC noticed all of the commotion and swam over to Cheerilee to see what all the fuss was about.
2283546
Thank you so much for pointing those out(will get on them), as you can see my main issue is trying to make sure I type everything in past tense. But what do you think of the story so far?
Chapter 4.
I call shenanigans in the highest degree. ANY mother would dive in after her.
Also, there's a lot of tell and not quite enough show, all throughout the story.
Example:
Don't tell me this. Show me this. Show me that she gets excited when others watch. Show me she gets sad when ponies don't. Show me her internal thoughts--'Ooh, they're going to love this!', and then I'll know without you having to tell me.
Though it is an adorable concept.
2283580
Is there a balance then? or are some people just hard to please? Because one of my very first stories that I ended up deleting people complained I did nothing but showing and not enough telling.
2283580
not to start an argument but when my parents watched my own dog attack me when I was a kid my neighbor was the one who reacted first.
2283588
Since you deleted it, I can't compare the two...
I suppose I'm kindof judging you on my personal preference, but there is a balance. On one end, there is the script.
But on the other end, there is what's called purple prose, where there is so much detail that we lose the story.
and by this point, my ADD has kicked in and I really don't know what I'm reading anymore.
I dunno. It may be just me.
It's not all tell, though. Like when Cheerilee is taking care of Charity? You threw in her thoughts on how her body wouldn't produce milk. That kind of thing I like--an insight into her thinking, her personal feelings. The nightmare in chapter three and aftermath? Charity's pride at standing? Good stuff.
Well, bad, because nightmare. But still.
It really is a sweet story, but some parts feel kindof choppy. Like the nightmare in chapter three? Ten of the thirteen or so sentences started with "Cheerilee". That feels a bit repetitive to me. Then again, one of my English teachers always marked us off if we started two or more sentences in a paragraph with the same word, so that might be part of it.
I guess that's my real complaint here. It's slightly choppy. And could probably use some more commas (though that might just be me. I'm a comma-nazi, sorry). I really like the concept, though.
Also, your own dog? That's just... betrayal.
Cliffhanger!
Dammit Scootaloo. This is why we can't have cute adorable things
Holy god, i regret thinking this sucks. your grammar might suck but you had my heart pounding, good job
you still need to work on the grammar but the story does have its moments
2289211
I know my grammar is terribad, I'm working on it but thanks.
Yeah don't take it as an insult, i'm still working on mine... not to toot my own horn or anything but i think i have better grammar than you
Sorry i really don't mean to sound like an egotistical manic honest
2289312
No its cool. but grammar aside, do you like the story plot? I also know I need to show more and tell less. Also in the works I have an artist kindly drawing the OC pony Charity so I can finally stop using someone else's work and actually show my readers what Charity looks like.
Well to be completely honest, i feel that in moments you went too fast.
for example, in chapter two, you could have milked Charity being sick for at least two chapters. you could have made her milestones, like talking and becoming better in general more moving if you dragged it out a little bit more.
also, there is no need to tell people everytime that this pony is going to speak. you haven't gotten rid of the script feel completely, trust people in the fact that they will know who is talking and say things like Rarity said or she said, it makes it flow much better and that's what you seem to have the most trouble with
2289490
hmmmm maybe instead of chapter 5 ill put this on hiatus and just rewrite the first 4 chapters. Then ill continue on with the story.
That's your choice my friend. i myself have deleted one of my stories completely so i can revise it. believe it or not, that story has gone through 4 revisions and i don't mean revision like you might make. i mean story changing revisions, i might as well of made four different stories. all together i estimate that i've typed over 200000 words for the one story
nooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
not charity!!
dont drown
This is why we always watch our foals, Cheerilee...
WOW RAIRTY WAS ACUTTACLY NOT A DRAMA QUEEN
Charity just sat there with a confused look on her face as this was her first time interacting with other ponies besides her mother or the hospital staff.
Or whoever threw her in the dumpster.
Those stupid CMC, They were supposed to be watching the baby!
Knew this CMC would screw this up
Even though Scootaloo is my favorite pony, I still want to reach through the fourth wall and slap her for what she said. That was bad, and she should feel bad.
I pray she made it. Scootaloo, mind your words