Twilight Sparkle did Science, and a human came out. Unfortunately for everyone, this human was not in the best of mental health. Going by Aristotle, he sets out to do cool stuff, but he mostly ends up in the "weird" territory. Check it out! Rated T for occasional innuendo and implications.
NOW CANCELLED FOR LACK OF INTEREST ON MY PART. SORRY, EVERYONE. BUT I WILL BE POSTING A NEW STORY SOON, IF THAT HELPS.
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Its rough, but there is genius here. Polish liberally. (And have your first thumb's up)
hm. i like it, but maybe it needs a bit of cleaning around the edges. still,
followin'
2108737>>2108631 I thank you both. I wasn't sure if I had written anything worth reading, but I can assume now that I have something that others can actually enjoy.
I will do my best to make this story as good as I can, but I would like to say that I prefer to put my ideas down ASAP so I don't forget them and polish up what I've written when I have only that to focus on so I don't get distracted. While I may apply polish to my writing, chances are I'll be busy with things like real life or writing new parts, and I won't be able to smooth out my prose, unfortunately. Thanks for the follow, by the way. I'll try my hardest to make it a worthwhile follow. And please continue to offer what comments you may have as the story goes on. Be seeing you.
Not a bad start. You could have divided this up into more paragraphs though. Also, an explanation for the bacon's origin might be in order.
2130792 It comes from the local pigs. Maybe I should have explicitly stated that, but I like to leave things to the readers' imaginations. Hopefully things should be clear now.
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Ok now to read it. Put spaces between paragraphs please and when somepony starts talking make it an isolated line. I cant follow it easily as it is.
I actually like it. Fix the issue and Ill recommend it to my followers.
2200856 Sadly, I think as paragraph formatting foes, the most recent chapters are the best. Thanks for pointing out the lack of dialogue breaks. I hadn't noticed that. I'll work on proper formatting as soon as I can.
I have gone through all of the story I've written and (hopefully) improved the paragraph and dialogue formatting. It should be readable now.
2200856 god that image is hilarious
2300774 So... did you like the story? I wouldn't normally ask, but I've gotten a bit desperate for feedback recently. Please forgive my intrusiveness.
2303474
Sure!
Welcome to the the review, which was brought to you for the Sake and Glory of the Authors Helping Authors group.
Name of Story : In all seriousness, you know that one.
Grammatic Stuff! : I can't say it. As not native english speaker, I can say that I don't see any mistakes at all, but don't consider this opinion valuable.
Pros :
- The most random story I have ever read. Congratulation.
- Some situations were incredibly hilarious.
- A good references to the show and MLP community.
- Did I mention how extremely random this story is? Oh sweet Celestia.
Cons :
- Wall of Text, and in general problem with using "Enter" button and "Tab" button.
- Well, the humor of your story is pretty... random ( haha ). But seriously, some of your paragraphs are incredibly funny, while some of them are boring and not funny at all.
And the most important :
- Incredibly bad written description :
Even considering "Random" tag, you put it to clearly and without more explanation it will drive potential readers out of your story. You need to rewrite it in some way.
No. Just no. Rewrite it completely. Try to place yourself in the place of "potential reader". Would this line attract you to the story?
Unnecesary. Description of the story isn't the place to put your : "It's my first story..." or "I know that my grammatic is bad...". Same stuff goes with that line.
You do not explain such stuff. Please believe in bronies inteliggence, I guess we can think on our own.
Well, so in description, which is used to attract the readers you put one of the flaws of your story. Bad Idea.
Actually, the only point of your description which makes sense
Final Notes :
The story is actually entertaining, due to its incredible randomness. I don't personally like such kind of story ( that's why I didn't give it a Favourite ), but it makes me smile with no problem, and I got a real fun reading this ( and that's why I gave you a Like ). Actually, the biggest problem of the story, is its description itself. I guess you are not receiving much feedback, because you don't have many readers, and you don't have many readers because the story's description discouraged them.
Thanks again for reviewing my story : 2986 Steps.
Stay Awesome
Verlax
2303845 I hadn't realized the problems with the description. Thank you for pointing those out. I will get to work on improving the story's description as soon as possible. Thank you for your time.
KEEP MAKING THIS STORY!!!!
that is... if it's okay with you...
2310734 I am working out ideas in my head, so there should be something new not too far off. I'm trying to have more consistency in my writing, so I might make the editing process longer, which means more of a delay between installments than I already have, considering the sporadic nature of my muse. Shouldn't be too long, though. All I can say is be patient. I'm sorry.
Just write whatever you want. Though some Skyrim/Borderlands references would be nice. (If you've played either)
2403723 I have played Skyrim, so that is a distinct possibility, but I can't think of a good way to work that in. At the risk of sounding needy, do you have any suggestions for that? Or, well...anything? You seem to like this story enough to have ideas on improving it. I'd like to hear your thoughts.
2403882
For the reference, I have nothing, honestly. For the story, though, I think sending somepony to the Moon by using an Aristotle-engineered cannon. ("Why, you may ask? Because fuck logic and physics!" - Pinkie Pie) It just sounded like a good idea, having them go somewhere.
2404837 Well, I was considering having space exploration happening, so I will do my best to incorporate the idea into the story, since there is now a proven demand. Thank you for the input.
Wasn't Discovery some sort of space probe or something?
2438681 I thought it was one of the space shuttles, but I could well be mistaken.
2449630
I looked it up and it turns out that Discovery was a space shuttle.
2450421 Thank you. Now we know the truth. I have been distracted by tossing around some ideas and Dragon Ball. Now then, I must be off! Be seeing you!
2497442
Don't leave, buddeh!
2497577 I should make a proper return soon. Working on something big. Like, actually multi-chapter, full of plot big. If all goes well, it'll be within a month. I've got finals soon, and some other, hopefully not too absorbing plans this summer. Also, my Skyrim addiction relapsed. But still, this will be happening. I just need time is all. Seeing you all soon, Daedalus/Aristotle.
Here's an idea: EXPLOSIONS!!!!!!
2583937 What kind of explosions? Here at Daedalus Industries, we offer bacon explosions, explosion explosions, waffle explosions, nuclear explosions, big explosions, awesome explosions, and deus ex machina explosions. Available in participating stores now! Don't wait to make your own boom, use the professionals!
Disclaimer: Daedalus Industries is not responsible for any injury incurred through use of our products. Please explode things responsibly. This offer not available in Wisconsin, Tamriel, or regions of China.
...So Aristotle defeated Discord, and now has to defeat Harmony?
Can you say mind fuck?
Sometimes it seems as if I'm the only one who reads and comments on this...
You deserve more followers, Daedalus!
2696817 Technically, Harmony defeated Discord, but since she's kinda being a Templar from Assassin's Creed, Aristotle feels responsible for stopping her, especially since he's why she's free to do her thing. And thank you for your kind words. It's nice to know that my story is being read, though I would continue writing this without any readers.
2698765
...So Aristotle is the Assassin of the story?
2588112
Wait... You don't sell to Tamriel???
I wanted to blow up the rebels (Awesomely, of course) and supply the Legion with bacon...
2699124 Totally. There's hidden blades and such later on.
2977865 We tried selling to Tamriel, but the market dried quickly. The Tamriel operations moved to Alternia.
3100755
Argh, now I can't wait. Also, you're awesome and you deserve more fans than you have.
3100760
Well, can I order a bacon explosion? I'm not in Tamriel, Wisconsin, or China. But you should expand your operation to Wisconsin but only supply them with cheese explosions.
3101122 Thank you for the kind words. Unfortunately, due to school and lack of ideas, I haven't got much written out, but I do to plan to finish this someday.
3233798
Yeah, school is normally shit.
Yay, you're back!
3616555 Thank you for the support! I'll be having some free time during the winter holidays, so I wrote this new segment to see how my meager skills decayed over my hiatus. You may be seeing more from me in a few weeks, so be on the lookout, though I make no promises. My muse likes to give me non-pony ideas, but the new season is helping me stay the brony course. This...got really off track, huh?
Again, thank you for your continued support!
3619069
I've loved this story since I first saw it in the feature box. I'll definitely stick around.
3619147 I'm glad to hear it. I'll do my best not to let my audience down.
Yay an update! Twas good!
3683683 Thank you for sticking around! We should return to the normal silliness soon, so keep an eye out, though I make no promises.
3688137
Be it serious or silly, dis shit b gud. xD
But in all seriousness, how could something go from featured to popular as a stick? (No offense.)
3688153 None taken. I suppose it's the rare updating, rambling text, references that alternate between obvious and obscure, and the main character reflecting me too much for other people to identify with him. The fact that people like the story enough to stick with it mystifies me to no end, to be honest. I didn't think I was that good.
3689609
Wanna see not that good? Read chapter 1 of How Cloudsdale Came to Be. It's the first thing I ever wrote. xD
3689623 I thank you for the educational experience. I think I gained a level from that. The points will be put into Making References to the Randomest Things. +1 To References
3689632
Wait... You leveled up?
*looks above his head*
...No +1 Fame...
3689943 The Fame stat works like the Paragon and Renegade meters in Mass Effect: I have to do things and hope that I get famous, not put points into it.
3689960
No. I mean it would level up with more people seeing what I do. Because shameless self-promotion. xD
Also, have a song that involves the use of "fuck" in it a lot:
[youtube=b8Fad9yJN_o]