It was the middle of fall/autumn, so that meant Nightmare Night had arrived once more. Twilight Sparkle had been working on her Star Swirl the Bearded costume for a long time (in fact this was the 7th time she had used this idea), and she knew her first Nightmare Night in Ponyville was going to go perfectly. That was when the giant lunch box creature jumped into her house.
"HUZZAH!", it shouted. "I knew I'd find you! I have the nose of a bloodhound, you know."
A blue-haired woman lounging on the air itself somehow popped in and added,"The nose and brain of a bloodhound. I'll be taking her, Balrog."
Spike, who'd been standing there in his costume (which he refused to explain, leaving Twilight to ponder what a cap and tank top could possibly represent), attempted to jump in and save Twilight from being kidnapped, but Balrog blocked him and complained that "Misery" always left him with clean-up duty before challenging Spike to a fight while Misery teleported away with Twilight. Spike declined, and Balrog leaped away shouting,"HUZZAH!".
Outside the library, Twilight and Misery reappeared. Misery took off her costume, revealing Trixie as Twilight's abductor. After being put down, Twilight complimented Trixie's costume and learned that Balrog was Aristotle. Aristotle was the only one who knew what the whole rigmarole represented, but Trixie and Spike were happy to play along. As all three got into their costumes for the rest of the night (Spike was Brian Epstein, Aristotle was John Lennon, and Trixie was Yoko Ono; the Cutie Mark Crusaders were Paul, George, and Ringo.), Aristotle explained to Twilight that he had an important announcement to make, and she had to get a stage ready.
Upon taking the stage, Aristotle announced to Ponyville's assorted inhabitants that Princess Luna was arriving that night for an informal visit, so everyone needed to be relaxed around her and not at all scared or mean to her, or bad things would probably happen. Aristotle directed that last part to Ponyville's premiere prankster pair, Pinkie Pie and Prainbow Pdash. Especially Pinkie Pie, who wasn't always good at the whole "recognizing the effects your words and actions have on others" thing. Everyone panicked.
Eventually, things calmed down, and all were ready to welcome the princess, even Pinkie Pie, who was strangely insistent on acting scared of Princess Luna until it was explained to her that it would only be fun for Pinkie Pie and no one else. Aristotle decided to try and reenact the music video to Thriller with Luna, but no one was interested. Twilight taught Luna about fun, except Aristotle butted in with a song about fun. It was very catchy. Luna had fun, and it was made an edict that Nightmare Night would henceforth commemorate Princess Luna learning the concept of fun and would include a recitation of the song Aristotle had sung. Twilight wrote a letter about her experiences to Princess Celestia.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that your friends can help you out in ways that surprise you and that fun is a universal concept. Aristotle sang a song about it that was very catchy. Would you like a copy of it?
Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle.
2300774 So... did you like the story? I wouldn't normally ask, but I've gotten a bit desperate for feedback recently. Please forgive my intrusiveness.
2303474
Sure!
Welcome to the the review, which was brought to you for the Sake and Glory of the Authors Helping Authors group.
Name of Story : In all seriousness, you know that one.
Grammatic Stuff! : I can't say it. As not native english speaker, I can say that I don't see any mistakes at all, but don't consider this opinion valuable.
Pros :
- The most random story I have ever read. Congratulation.
- Some situations were incredibly hilarious.
- A good references to the show and MLP community.
- Did I mention how extremely random this story is? Oh sweet Celestia.
Cons :
- Wall of Text, and in general problem with using "Enter" button and "Tab" button.
- Well, the humor of your story is pretty... random ( haha ). But seriously, some of your paragraphs are incredibly funny, while some of them are boring and not funny at all.
And the most important :
- Incredibly bad written description :
Even considering "Random" tag, you put it to clearly and without more explanation it will drive potential readers out of your story. You need to rewrite it in some way.
No. Just no. Rewrite it completely. Try to place yourself in the place of "potential reader". Would this line attract you to the story?
Unnecesary. Description of the story isn't the place to put your : "It's my first story..." or "I know that my grammatic is bad...". Same stuff goes with that line.
You do not explain such stuff. Please believe in bronies inteliggence, I guess we can think on our own.
Well, so in description, which is used to attract the readers you put one of the flaws of your story. Bad Idea.
Actually, the only point of your description which makes sense
Final Notes :
The story is actually entertaining, due to its incredible randomness. I don't personally like such kind of story ( that's why I didn't give it a Favourite ), but it makes me smile with no problem, and I got a real fun reading this ( and that's why I gave you a Like ). Actually, the biggest problem of the story, is its description itself. I guess you are not receiving much feedback, because you don't have many readers, and you don't have many readers because the story's description discouraged them.
Thanks again for reviewing my story : 2986 Steps.
Stay Awesome
Verlax
2303845 I hadn't realized the problems with the description. Thank you for pointing those out. I will get to work on improving the story's description as soon as possible. Thank you for your time.
KEEP MAKING THIS STORY!!!!
that is... if it's okay with you...
2310734 I am working out ideas in my head, so there should be something new not too far off. I'm trying to have more consistency in my writing, so I might make the editing process longer, which means more of a delay between installments than I already have, considering the sporadic nature of my muse. Shouldn't be too long, though. All I can say is be patient. I'm sorry.