Twilight and her friends have faced several villains, but were they really that evil? Sure, Nightmare Moon wanted eternal night, Discord likes to mess with ponies, and Queen Chrysalis and king Sombra both wanted power; but no one ever killed anypony. No one ever stood against Equestria that couldn't be reformed or sent away with a bit of love and happiness. No doubt the main six can defeat true evil, but at what cost to the friendship that they need to fight it with?
The characters in this story are protected by OCRA
Thank you McPoodle for editing the first chapter.
I found a new editor their name is Starlight Nova.
Chapters (1)
>better censor buckin' because it might offend someone
>inafter murder happened in Equestria
>won't explain shit about my theory
>mfw I have no face
hi thanks for being the first to comment
i did censor it it is now B*ckin and if it offends someone than they don't have to read it
all will be explained in the chapters to come
Unfortunately there's a system in place that makes sure only fics with more than 4000 words get featured. Also I love your description, I'll add this to my read latter pile. Also, you might want to put a crossover tag,
2059032 that sucks well any way the crossover tag is unneeded i specifically said it doesn't involve bane despite the picture.
the picture just "fit"
Well, here I am again on your second story.
Now, this one has an interesting premise. Just make sure your villain isn't a cliche evil. Even the bad guys have motivation after all! Whether it be money, revenge, or just because they're crazy. But if they are crazy, you better make sure this is clear. Don't just have them shoot ponies and then act normal. They are insane, make sure the reader knows this. A good example of the insane villain: The Joker. I've even seen a Joker in Equestrian story around here somewhere. I didn't read it, but I have seen it.
Other than that, this story lacks depth. You tell us what is going on, but you don't really show us. Oh boy, it's the "show don't tell" piece of advice. Except from me, it isn't.
One last thing: the random tag seems a little out of place. More often than not random is used for comedy. So unless this is going to be a dark comedy (which would be pretty cool), you may want to reconsider that one.
Okay, you got my comments. Good luck in the future!
-RisingOne
Comment.
2104646 the random tag comes in with the villain's character but i can see what you mean
as for the villain, my inspiration for this story was the dark knight trilogy so he will be that kind of villain
so much will be explained in the next chapter but I'm still looking for a new editor. The one for this chapter thought it was going to be "too dark"
any way i will work on the description both you and my previous editor mentioned that
2104706 I repeat thanks a lot
2104737
You're very welcome, again.
2104750 do you understand sarcasm?
2104764
What do you think?
2104771 You are a Troll and your good at it
I commend you good sir.
but really did you even read my stories and if you did what do you honestly think of them
2104777
I am a troll, I do confess. But you did ask for it. You wished for more comments, and your wish was granted. Be careful what you wish for, what you end up getting might be kinda stupid.
I originally had no intention of reading either, but now that I see they're only 1k each, I might.
2104805 thank you (for real this time)
I just read it. It's ok. The writing is fine, it could use a bit of cleaning up here and there, but it's good on the whole. If you write more, I'll probably read it. One thing that stood out: Shoes and socks. I think the show's version of the two are incompatible with each-other, and as both are primarily decorative, don't seem appropriate for a race.
Also, line 8 needs a period.
Also, change the cover art. I originally dismissed this as yet another dumb crossover, and only bothered to read the description after you asked me to.
The title isn't very good either.
Hmm, I will have to reserve final judgement on this, but I won't lie, I'm not a fan of such short chapters. Could be good, but could also turn out bad - keep trying.
2104902 well title defiantly grabs your attention and that's really all that matters in this world
I'm looking for different art but that is there because though this is not a crossover that movie along with dark knight was my inspiration
2104937
It did grab my attention. It garbed it and said, "Don't read this, your time will be wasted!"
rx8club.com/attachments/tech-garage-22/173140d1307720342-i-love-techron-2587-animals-cat-paper_tube-pic-unrelated-sunglasses-jpg
2104985 well what do you suggest?
2105014
Hmm, I duno.
2105031 well until you can think of something better the title stays
2105037
ok
Well, this does sound interesting, haven't read it yet, though; so a proper comment will appear later
This story would get more attention if you had started off by telling us about the murder instead of making us wait the whole chapter. You have to hook your reader early on -- you don't have 1,000 words to get their attention, you have 50-100.
I can't give any real feed back since I haven't read your story yet, and will do that when the time permits. But going off of what i see, a better description, and a different cover picture would help you alot. At first (until you mentioned it in the AHA review thread) I would have assumed the story was a cross-over with Bane, and you just forgot to add the Cross-Over Tag.
Ill be reading/reviewing this in a little bit, so hopefully we can help you out a bit. Ill edit my review into this post FYI.
The new cover art is an improvement.
This one however, would be better.
s4.postimage.org/u004psbwt/4366312170_84681f4a69.jpg
2165774 Where do you find these strange things?
and don't say "the internet"
2167215
Guess I can't tell you, then.
2169137 i'm never going to get a strait answer from you am i?
and yes i'm asking for it
2171348
Alrighty then. I find them where all things one could ever desire are to be found... On EBAY!!!
O hai thar.
2198705 Hi yourself nice profile pic
Name of Story: A Real B*ucken Villain
Grammar score out of 10: 7
Pros:
Format: So this is an interesting format you've chosen to go with, and I find it refreshing.
Twilight: You've gotten Twilight's character down pretty well. We dialogue is well done and fits her character with the overly detailed descriptions that distract from the main point Twilight is suppose to be making. Good job there.
Premise: Starting this idea off they way you have is pretty good thinking on your part. I'll be interested to see where this is going, but you picked a great event for a murder.
Cons:
Grammar: It's not very bad, but you should go back and clean up the grammar a little in the beginning. Again it's not really bad, but when there is a grammar issue, it stands out.
Format: I know I list the format you're writing in as a pro, and it is because it's something a little different and challenging, but it needs work. This is first person perspective from Twilight, so all the dialogue she talks about from Spike, Dash, AJ, and everyone else, should come from a retelling from her perspective, which should include visual deceptions since Twilight is there to witness the exchange. What you have here is a switch from 1st POV to 3rd POV, then back to 1st.
Story Description: I know you state that you couldn't think of a better description, but one thing you could have done was to let the reader know about the idea of the story's overall premise - tell us what to expect and what you think is a true villain. Share some of the themes and ideas your story offers and I think you'll attract more readers.
Notes Section:
It's a fair start. The cliff hanger ending is so-so. We already know from the start of the story that something serious has happened. You might want to state when this happened because if Twilight is given an interview, then clearly the conflict has been resolved and time has passed, and more importantly, Twilight has most likely been changed by the events that she's going to recount. Give us a little about that.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story Friendship has a Generous Heart.
2221756 thank you for your review. I'm sorry about the grammar at the beginning, the interview section was added after my editor flaked out on me because they "thought it was going to be to dark." Speaking of which do you know any editors that would take this project. I don't want to update the next chapter until i have a new editor.
2225605
My advice is to seek out The Proofreader's Group. I've gotten good help from there before.
2105042 I finally got a better name for this fic. now I just need to write another chapter.
Is this story dead?
4086923 Sadly it probably is. I still have a lot of ideas for it; I'm just having a hard time getting the inspiration to finish it. It doesn't help that I lost my editor. By the way do you like it so far? If more people wanted me to finish it I probably would.
4087787 I'll be your editor for this story, if you want.
4087800 Oh wow, thanks. In that case I'll see if I can get another chapter out. It will probably be awhile though because I'm also writing a story for the chess game of the gods, and a death battle story. And, I take it you did like this one so far?
4087814 Do you want my 100% honest opinion?
4088252 Yes I can take criticism. I personally think that it could be better so give me the good and the bad in that order preferably.
4088810 Well... I've seen better.
4091125 care to elaborate.
4091246 Sorry, but that general statement is all I can give. I'm not very good at coming up with reasons why I like or dislike something.
4091687 well I've seen better isn't bad so I'm taking it as a positive. Same as "it's not bad"
Definitely dead...