and so it began
Villianous
(By gcwg57)
“Miss Sparkle…”
“You can call me Twilight.”
“Very well. Miss Twilight, as a representative of Equestria daily; I must inform you that this interview will be recorded, and that we will have exclusive rights to this story. Also, provided that you give the whole and true story; we will not tamper with any information given by you. Do you understand?”
“I understand, Miss… Penstroke was it?”
“Yes, now are you ready to begin?”
“I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”
“Good.” There was a brief silence, and then a *click* as Penstroke turned on the tape recorder. “Now tell me about the first day of the attack.”
“Well, it was a crisp, fall morning; a bit colder than usual but that was ok because today was the running of the leaves celebration. I was entering for the third year in a row and didn’t want to be late.
“Spike, Spike!” I called out.
“Yes, Twilight?” was his quick response.
“Do you have the checklist?”
“Umm…”
“Well go get it! If we don’t hurry we’re going to be late.”
“I’m on it!” Spike said as he bolted off to retrieve the list. I stood there and waited by the door of the library. In preparation for the race, I was wearing my running shoes with matching socks and headband, which were recommended to me by my book on marathon running. Knowing how long Spike might take, I selected “The Essentials of a Marathon” off the shelf and started reading the chapter assessments. I was almost done recapping the section on how to avoid hyperventilating when Spike came back with the list.
“I got it!”
“Good. First on the list, make sure spike has the correct checklist.”
“Check!” Spike sounded off.
“Second, check the checklist for all appropriate checks.”
“Check!”
“Running shoes.”
“Check!”
“Matching socks and headband.”
“Check!”
“Water bottle.”
“Check!”
“Towel for after running.”
“Check!”
“Quill and paper to take notes while running.”
“Check!”
“Stopwatch to time running.”
“Check!”
“Charted results from last year to compare to this year.”
“Check!”
“Double check checklist for all appropriate checks”
“…Check!”
“Well then let’s get out of here before we miss it.” On that note, Spike and I left the library to the celebration.
It was a long way to the race so to save time, Spike hoped on my back, and I ran and partially jogged the whole way there. Luckily, we arrived a few minutes before the deadline for registration. Behind the registration booth was a mint green mare with a light pink mane.
“Name?” said the registration mare.
“Twilight Sparkle that’s T-W-I-L-I”
“I can spell thank you.” The mare interrupted with a fake smile that said,
“You’re lucky I’m being paid to be nice.” I took the hint and quietly waited for her to finish filling out my registration. A moment later she stacked the papers, filed them away, and pulled out a number patch.
“Your contestant number is 42…”
“YES!” I shouted out loud. The mare looked at me quizzically.
“This is the third year in a row that I’ve gotten that number” I explained. The registration mare rolled her eyes and handed me the number patch.
“The race starts in seven minutes, and I wish you luck… NEXT!”
As I walked over to my spot at the starting line, I took a detour over to Pinkie and her balloon so that she and Spike could comment on the race together. As I approached…
“NARWHAL!”
“What...?” I was cut short by a plush narwhal hitting me in the face. “Pinkie, what are you doing?”
“I’m giving out stuffed animals to random ponies as they pass by!” She then proceeded to pull out a small plush tiger, seemingly out of nowhere, and threw it at a passing unicorn mare with purple sunglasses.
“Oh yeah! Now I gotta DJ buddy. Thanks Pinkie.”
“Don’t mention it.”
“So Spike, yah ready to react to the racing runners?”
“I’m ready whenever you are Pinkie.”
“Okie Dokie Lokie, Spikey Wikey! Hop aboard and up we go!” Spike and Pinkie then boarded the balloon and took to the skies. Pinkie then pulled out a huge megaphone. There was a quick ear piercing screech as she turned it on that startled everypony in earshot.
“Good morning everypony!”
“I’m Pinkie Pie.”
“And I’m Spike.”
“And we’re here today as your all seeing, eyes in the sky” Pinkie and Spike’s voices rang out over the grounds with a clarity and volume that Princess Luna would’ve found humbling. “By the way, everypony, the race starts in five minutes, so racers get your hooves to the starting line so that we can get these leaves moving!”
“And we would like to thank Mr. and Mrs. Cake, and the residents of Sweet Apple Acres for catering this event. We would also like to thank the racers that have volunteered this year to help clean up the fall.”
Spike’s voice droned out my mind in place of a new thought. “Five minutes! My mind blurted out in panic. I need to get over there now!” After a minute or two, I got around to the starting line, where I found a plethora of ponies stretching, pacing, or just standing there waiting. In the midst of them I found Applejack and Rainbow Dash in the middle of a heated debate.
“For the last time Rainbow; I don’t care if ya’ll won the Fastest Flyer Competition. You won’t be flyin in this race so it don’t matter.” Applejack said definitively.
“Ok, but even then, I’m still the fastest pony in Equestria!” Rainbow countered.
“On who’s judgment was that decision made?”
“Mine! Now move out my way so that my fans can bask in my awesomeness”
At that moment, Scootaloo and the other fan club members all jumped up in the stand they were in.
“We love you, Rainbow!”
“Kick her butt!”
“You can do it Rainbow!”
“WooHoo!”
“Rainbow Dash!”
“Is number one!” the fanponies said in unison.
“Rainbow Dash!”
“Is number one!”
“Rainbow Dash!”
“Is number one!”
“Goooooo Rainbow Dash!” The fanponies sat back down and Rainbow looked at them with an approving smirk.
“Correction Applejack, it was my judgment and theirs!”
“I still think that your just tootin your horn a little too much for your own good Sugarcube.” At this point I decided to interject into the conversation.
“Didn’t you two learn your lesson about this already?”
“It’s OK, Twilight” Rainbow answered. “We know not to get carried away; it’s just that a little trash-talk before a race really helps get you in the zone.”
I thought about this for a second and wondered if it was such a good tactic, why hadn’t I read it in any of my books?
“Schreeech!”
My thought process was interrupted by Pinkie’s megaphone again.
“Attention, everypony!” Pinkie rang out. “The race will be starting in one minute, so racers take your mark.”
The other racers and I scrambled to our designated starting areas.
Then Spike’s voice called out, “On your mark!
Get set!
Go!”
“BOOM!” The gun sounded off and the racers bolted, but something was wrong, very wrong. There was screaming behind me. This was expected, but it wasn’t cheerful screams of encouragement and admiration. They were screams of horror and terror.
“BOOM!” the gun went off a second time. At that moment I knew what had happened. Before I turned around, I knew that the unthinkable had happened.
For the first time in a thousand years, a pony had been murdered in Equestria.
Stats
Page generated in 0.095 seconds
Total duration
749 users online
634,856 hits today, 2,073,628 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
>better censor buckin' because it might offend someone
>inafter murder happened in Equestria
>won't explain shit about my theory
>mfw I have no face
hi thanks for being the first to comment
i did censor it it is now B*ckin and if it offends someone than they don't have to read it
all will be explained in the chapters to come
Unfortunately there's a system in place that makes sure only fics with more than 4000 words get featured. Also I love your description, I'll add this to my read latter pile. Also, you might want to put a crossover tag,
2059032 that sucks well any way the crossover tag is unneeded i specifically said it doesn't involve bane despite the picture.
the picture just "fit"
Well, here I am again on your second story.
Now, this one has an interesting premise. Just make sure your villain isn't a cliche evil. Even the bad guys have motivation after all! Whether it be money, revenge, or just because they're crazy. But if they are crazy, you better make sure this is clear. Don't just have them shoot ponies and then act normal. They are insane, make sure the reader knows this. A good example of the insane villain: The Joker. I've even seen a Joker in Equestrian story around here somewhere. I didn't read it, but I have seen it.
Other than that, this story lacks depth. You tell us what is going on, but you don't really show us. Oh boy, it's the "show don't tell" piece of advice. Except from me, it isn't.
One last thing: the random tag seems a little out of place. More often than not random is used for comedy. So unless this is going to be a dark comedy (which would be pretty cool), you may want to reconsider that one.
Okay, you got my comments. Good luck in the future!
-RisingOne
Comment.
2104646 the random tag comes in with the villain's character but i can see what you mean
as for the villain, my inspiration for this story was the dark knight trilogy so he will be that kind of villain
so much will be explained in the next chapter but I'm still looking for a new editor. The one for this chapter thought it was going to be "too dark"
any way i will work on the description both you and my previous editor mentioned that
2104706 I repeat thanks a lot
2104737
You're very welcome, again.
2104750 do you understand sarcasm?
2104764
What do you think?
2104771 You are a Troll and your good at it
I commend you good sir.
but really did you even read my stories and if you did what do you honestly think of them
2104777
I am a troll, I do confess. But you did ask for it. You wished for more comments, and your wish was granted. Be careful what you wish for, what you end up getting might be kinda stupid.
I originally had no intention of reading either, but now that I see they're only 1k each, I might.
2104805 thank you (for real this time)
I just read it. It's ok. The writing is fine, it could use a bit of cleaning up here and there, but it's good on the whole. If you write more, I'll probably read it. One thing that stood out: Shoes and socks. I think the show's version of the two are incompatible with each-other, and as both are primarily decorative, don't seem appropriate for a race.
Also, line 8 needs a period.
Also, change the cover art. I originally dismissed this as yet another dumb crossover, and only bothered to read the description after you asked me to.
The title isn't very good either.
Hmm, I will have to reserve final judgement on this, but I won't lie, I'm not a fan of such short chapters. Could be good, but could also turn out bad - keep trying.
2104902 well title defiantly grabs your attention and that's really all that matters in this world
I'm looking for different art but that is there because though this is not a crossover that movie along with dark knight was my inspiration
2104937
It did grab my attention. It garbed it and said, "Don't read this, your time will be wasted!"
rx8club.com/attachments/tech-garage-22/173140d1307720342-i-love-techron-2587-animals-cat-paper_tube-pic-unrelated-sunglasses-jpg
2104985 well what do you suggest?
2105014
Hmm, I duno.
2105031 well until you can think of something better the title stays
2105037
ok
Well, this does sound interesting, haven't read it yet, though; so a proper comment will appear later
This story would get more attention if you had started off by telling us about the murder instead of making us wait the whole chapter. You have to hook your reader early on -- you don't have 1,000 words to get their attention, you have 50-100.
I can't give any real feed back since I haven't read your story yet, and will do that when the time permits. But going off of what i see, a better description, and a different cover picture would help you alot. At first (until you mentioned it in the AHA review thread) I would have assumed the story was a cross-over with Bane, and you just forgot to add the Cross-Over Tag.
Ill be reading/reviewing this in a little bit, so hopefully we can help you out a bit. Ill edit my review into this post FYI.
The new cover art is an improvement.
This one however, would be better.
s4.postimage.org/u004psbwt/4366312170_84681f4a69.jpg
2165774 Where do you find these strange things?
and don't say "the internet"
2167215
Guess I can't tell you, then.
2169137 i'm never going to get a strait answer from you am i?
and yes i'm asking for it
2171348
Alrighty then. I find them where all things one could ever desire are to be found... On EBAY!!!
O hai thar.
2198705 Hi yourself nice profile pic
Name of Story: A Real B*ucken Villain
Grammar score out of 10: 7
Pros:
Format: So this is an interesting format you've chosen to go with, and I find it refreshing.
Twilight: You've gotten Twilight's character down pretty well. We dialogue is well done and fits her character with the overly detailed descriptions that distract from the main point Twilight is suppose to be making. Good job there.
Premise: Starting this idea off they way you have is pretty good thinking on your part. I'll be interested to see where this is going, but you picked a great event for a murder.
Cons:
Grammar: It's not very bad, but you should go back and clean up the grammar a little in the beginning. Again it's not really bad, but when there is a grammar issue, it stands out.
Format: I know I list the format you're writing in as a pro, and it is because it's something a little different and challenging, but it needs work. This is first person perspective from Twilight, so all the dialogue she talks about from Spike, Dash, AJ, and everyone else, should come from a retelling from her perspective, which should include visual deceptions since Twilight is there to witness the exchange. What you have here is a switch from 1st POV to 3rd POV, then back to 1st.
Story Description: I know you state that you couldn't think of a better description, but one thing you could have done was to let the reader know about the idea of the story's overall premise - tell us what to expect and what you think is a true villain. Share some of the themes and ideas your story offers and I think you'll attract more readers.
Notes Section:
It's a fair start. The cliff hanger ending is so-so. We already know from the start of the story that something serious has happened. You might want to state when this happened because if Twilight is given an interview, then clearly the conflict has been resolved and time has passed, and more importantly, Twilight has most likely been changed by the events that she's going to recount. Give us a little about that.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story Friendship has a Generous Heart.
2221756 thank you for your review. I'm sorry about the grammar at the beginning, the interview section was added after my editor flaked out on me because they "thought it was going to be to dark." Speaking of which do you know any editors that would take this project. I don't want to update the next chapter until i have a new editor.
2225605
My advice is to seek out The Proofreader's Group. I've gotten good help from there before.
2105042 I finally got a better name for this fic. now I just need to write another chapter.
Is this story dead?
4086923 Sadly it probably is. I still have a lot of ideas for it; I'm just having a hard time getting the inspiration to finish it. It doesn't help that I lost my editor. By the way do you like it so far? If more people wanted me to finish it I probably would.
4087787 I'll be your editor for this story, if you want.
4087800 Oh wow, thanks. In that case I'll see if I can get another chapter out. It will probably be awhile though because I'm also writing a story for the chess game of the gods, and a death battle story. And, I take it you did like this one so far?
4087814 Do you want my 100% honest opinion?
4088252 Yes I can take criticism. I personally think that it could be better so give me the good and the bad in that order preferably.
4088810 Well... I've seen better.
4091125 care to elaborate.
4091246 Sorry, but that general statement is all I can give. I'm not very good at coming up with reasons why I like or dislike something.
4091687 well I've seen better isn't bad so I'm taking it as a positive. Same as "it's not bad"
Definitely dead...