I am known by many names: Griffly, Haggis, The Vulcan, That Socially Awkward Yet Extroverted Otaku Guy, but you... You may call me... Gicwig.
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This story is a horrible piece of detritus. Read at your own risk.
the grand galloping gala is always terrible, but not usually this terrible. Follow Hoity Toity on his maddening descent at the Gala.
My first story. it was originally a project for school. i just changed some names and places for this.
I apologize for the format of the letter. the way fimfiction is set up it won't let me put something to the right of the page.
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all comments and critics are wanted.
by not commenting you will make Fluttershy cry
and we don't want that do we?
Interesting. A little hard to follow. The story itself was not bad.
Other than that, the only thing I have to say is I found one mistake I feel like pointing out.
"Man" should be "Stallion."
1620397 sorry as i said this was origanally a short story that i wrote for a lit class i merely changed some names and places must of missed that one.
i plan on writing more soon so check my page every now and then
well only if you you know want to eep!
Okay, so, umm... What?
It was certainly plenty descriptive. And you did a pretty good job illustrating Hoity Toity's thoughts. But overall I kind of had no idea what was going on half the time. The pacing of the story was, to be blunt, choppy. It felt like you we're jumping from one scene to the next with hardly any transition.
I liked the dark feel to it, and the whole "descent into madness" was a good concept, but it only earns an up vote from me.
-RisingOne
2104582Ok so I've been meaning to rewrite this story for awhile. as i said in the description i originally wrote this as short story in my lit class which means that i wrote it at three in the morning the night before.
i plan on adding some dialogue and putting more transitions from part to part.
Question did you get the ending?
2104610
Was he in... Pony Hell?
That description needs more capitalization
2104634 almost the setting at the end is exactly like the description of the wood of suicides in Dante's Inferno
the common pony is merely a reflection of himself. he looks like a commoner because of the wreck.
2104657 i didn't feel like it
2104678
Well, if you want people to like your story, you can't just say "i didn't feel like it" and expect them to be okay with it
2104675
Ah-ha! So I was right! Somewhat. Meh, close enough for me.
It's been too long since I read Dante's Inferno...
Comment.
2104685 ok,
2104707 thanks a lot
2104734
You're very welcome.
This could do with a lot of work, it was really disorienting to read.
2104851 i know i really need to rewrite this one. my other story is better
Somehow, this feels appropriate.
img.ffffound.com/static-data/assets/6/1f86ad02444f3d13ebacb4b3a2174baa4c55d418_m.jpg
2104927 dafuq!
Meh.
Let me elaborate on that word of wisdom. Your writing is decent, but it bores me. You're ok at describing the scenes and events in the story, but that's not what the story is abour. The story belongs to the characters. The characters of a story are its foundation, and you need to show their reactions and emotions better, like you do in scene description.
One more thing, the events after the 'rat's' arrival in the gala was extremely poorly done compared to the rest of the story. It made no sense, and you didn't write what you needed to build the suspense and emotion from the readers. You can write better than that, even as you are right now. You've proven it in the previous parts of the story.
If you really want constructive criticism, and are willing to work for it, then seek out and join a group called "Authors Helping Authors". It's hard to post links on a smartphone, so you'll have to find it yourself. More details are listed on their page, but it's basically a 'review my story and I'll review yours' system. If you decide to join then you can choose who gives you reviews. If you review my published story as well, I'll be glad to come back and give a proper, full review of both your stories in the future.
Until next time,
-Black Lightning
2104960
Exactly. It's a metaphor... I think.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: A Night at the Masquerade
Grammar: 7
Pros
The writing for the most part was pretty good
The premise was promising
Good description
Cons
Sometimes the grammar problems distract from the story
I really feel that with this concept, it should have been longer. People don't snap that easily
The first couple paragraphs didn't catch my attention very well
Notes
I realize that this was just a thing for school, so it didn't need to be really long, but I still feel like it would benefit from being drawn out more.
Also dat ending
I hope that my review was helpful in some way! If you would, please check out my story The Generation That Even Time Has Forgotten!
Your Faithful Critic,
FlanChan
That Poe and Dante influence doe
heh, this was a decent read. I oughta check out your second story as well
.
5254795 Thanks for the favorite, and the follow. I personally think that this story needs a ton of work before I could even consider it good, but I'm glad you like it. May I ask how you found this story?
5255016 Well I tend to snoop around the more unpaved areas of the sight and browse random pages for something I might like to read.
And this story caught my eye.
P.S I thinks it's decent compared to my grammatical train wrecks of stories, lol.