A Night at the Masquerade

by gcwg57

chapter 1

Canterlot, oh what beauty it holds; yet uncouth filth it harbors amongst its busy streets. From my penthouse I watch the sewer rats scurry about, buying, and pedaling, and begging their way through the market; each with their tattered, filthy clothes, and their grimy faces, and speaking in their ghastly, butchering of the English language. I look down upon them and can only feel hatred for them. All I can do to live with them is to remember my reason for living here: the Canterlot aristocracy.

For, I am a stallion of class and status. I go to the theater, I attend balls, I entertain guest of the highest regard, and I have even been permitted on occasion to walk the palace grounds. Yes, this is the life Celestia has permitted me to live, and of all of it there is something that I love above all in this regal life of mine. That “something” is the Annual Grand Galloping Gala! Each year the Canterlot elite gather together at the Royal Palace and hold the greatest ball ever known. The music, the dancing, the culture, the bouquet of aged wine! Oh how they call to me, and knowing that it is so close only greatens my anxiety. For tonight is the night of the gala and it shall be the best night ever.

I got my invitation not but a week ago. For this event I was more than usually excited, for the letter read:

Celestial Palace

Canterlot SW1A 1AA

April the thirty-first,

Mr. Hoity Toity
186 Flutter Street,
Canterlot SW1A 1AA

Dear Mr. Hoity Toity,

We are pleased to invite you to this year’s Grand Galloping Gala. This year there will be a theme to which you must oblige to, to attend. This year will be a masquerade. The event will be held at eight o’clock May the sixth, on the palace grounds. We are requesting your attendance.

Sincerely,

Sir, Purebred VI

R. S. V. P.

Oh what fun the masks shall be, each pony portraying one whom they are not. Being a fairly simple stallion, I’ve picked a plain, yet very realistic crescent shaped mask with a black streak painted upon the brow that flows onto the right cheek. With it a simple brown, tailored suit and top hat.

I boarded my carriage at seven fifteen and made my way towards the palace. The ride there was not pleasant in the least. A lowly fish monger lost control of his cart as we passed by. It careened out of the darkness and crashed into my carriage. I flew from my seat and skidded across the cobblestone path. I smelt fish and felt that was covered in blood and muck, and then darkness.

I awoke some time later on a bench within the palace grounds. I knew not how I had come to be there, but I did know that I was there. I had no time to lose. I found my bearings and made my way towards the sound of the music. Oh what sweet music it was. There was a grand piano being played with expert craft. A bass’ melodic undertones being played by the famed Octavia could be heard amongst the laughter of the masqueraders, and a Tuba’s brazen shouts could be made out from the sound woven into the music so that every fiber of my body wished to join the affair and dance the night away.

I was almost upon the mass when I saw a sight which destroyed even my happiest of thoughts. I saw the bane of my existence. There was a “rat” amongst the grounds not two feet away from me. He wore tattered, brown work clothes and had smudges and grime upon his face. He spoke not a word to me. He only stared. For a moment I had to let my anger subside so that may speak to him.

The moment was over and I asked him how he came to be upon the palace grounds and what business he had here. He merely continued to stare at me. I asked again calling out loud to him as he might be hard of hearing. He responded only by staring back at me. His eyes shining brightly off the torch light in the main hall. It was now that I noticed that his right eye seemed to be impaired in some way for I could only see a part of it. This only infuriated me more, knowing that a disfigured, vile, and blatantly rude common pony had infiltrated this respectable affair. I continued to call after him, screaming for him to answer his elder. I screamed and screamed but still he did not respond, only starting. Only staring. ONLY STARING!

I thought about his tattered appearance and his grimy features, and it infuriated me to the point of breaking. With each flicker of the torches his eyes flashed before me. Always staring. Never blinking. Always, never, staring, blinking. I HATED HIM! I Loathed him. I could stand a minute more. I thrust myself upon the pony as to throttle him and rid him of my presence. There was a tumult of thrashing and screaming which drew spectators from the gala out onto the grounds to see what the commotion was about.

As suddenly as it had started the thrashing stopped. I knew I had done it I had killed the pony at the masquerade; the one that never blinked and ruined my special night. He was dead and then I saw black.

I awoke for a second time this night, but this time I was unsure if I was awake or in a nightmare. A horrible stench overwhelmed me. I walked for some distance and came upon a ghastly sight. A decaying forest was spread across my view. There were gnarled, twisted trees stunted by the foul air that reached out for me. Sprouting from their branches a foul, sickly fruit hung. Then the sight which told me where I was came to view. Amongst the branches hung the bodies of dead souls. I knew where I was and I screamed in anguish as my very own twisted tree grew beside me so that I may join my brethren amongst these forsaken woods. The scream was never heard.

THE END

Comments

[gcwg57]

all comments and critics are wanted.
by not commenting you will make Fluttershy cry
and we don't want that do we?

[Silver Moon]

Interesting. A little hard to follow. The story itself was not bad.
Other than that, the only thing I have to say is I found one mistake I feel like pointing out.

blatantly rude common man

"Man" should be "Stallion."

[gcwg57]

1620397 sorry as i said this was origanally a short story that i wrote for a lit class i merely changed some names and places must of missed that one.
i plan on writing more soon so check my page every now and then
well only if you you know want to eep!

[Jayellow]

Okay, so, umm... What?

It was certainly plenty descriptive. And you did a pretty good job illustrating Hoity Toity's thoughts. But overall I kind of had no idea what was going on half the time. The pacing of the story was, to be blunt, choppy. It felt like you we're jumping from one scene to the next with hardly any transition.

I liked the dark feel to it, and the whole "descent into madness" was a good concept, but it only earns an up vote from me.

-RisingOne

[gcwg57]

2104582Ok so I've been meaning to rewrite this story for awhile. as i said in the description i originally wrote this as short story in my lit class which means that i wrote it at three in the morning the night before.
i plan on adding some dialogue and putting more transitions from part to part.

Question did you get the ending?

[Jayellow]

2104610
Was he in... Pony Hell?

[FlanChan]

That description needs more capitalization

[gcwg57]

2104634 almost the setting at the end is exactly like the description of the wood of suicides in Dante's Inferno
the common pony is merely a reflection of himself. he looks like a commoner because of the wreck.

[gcwg57]

2104657 i didn't feel like it

[FlanChan]

2104678
Well, if you want people to like your story, you can't just say "i didn't feel like it" and expect them to be okay with it

[Jayellow]

2104675

Ah-ha! So I was right! Somewhat. Meh, close enough for me.

It's been too long since I read Dante's Inferno...

[Horsemumbler]

Comment.

[gcwg57]

2104685 ok,

[gcwg57]

2104707 thanks a lot

[Horsemumbler]

2104734
You're very welcome.

[Rustic_King]

This could do with a lot of work, it was really disorienting to read.

[gcwg57]

2104851 i know i really need to rewrite this one. my other story is better

[Horsemumbler]

Somehow, this feels appropriate.
img.ffffound.com/static-data/assets/6/1f86ad02444f3d13ebacb4b3a2174baa4c55d418_m.jpg

[gcwg57]

2104927 dafuq!

[Protocol]

Meh.
Let me elaborate on that word of wisdom. Your writing is decent, but it bores me. You're ok at describing the scenes and events in the story, but that's not what the story is abour. The story belongs to the characters. The characters of a story are its foundation, and you need to show their reactions and emotions better, like you do in scene description.

One more thing, the events after the 'rat's' arrival in the gala was extremely poorly done compared to the rest of the story. It made no sense, and you didn't write what you needed to build the suspense and emotion from the readers. You can write better than that, even as you are right now. You've proven it in the previous parts of the story.

If you really want constructive criticism, and are willing to work for it, then seek out and join a group called "Authors Helping Authors". It's hard to post links on a smartphone, so you'll have to find it yourself. More details are listed on their page, but it's basically a 'review my story and I'll review yours' system. If you decide to join then you can choose who gives you reviews. If you review my published story as well, I'll be glad to come back and give a proper, full review of both your stories in the future.

Until next time,
-Black Lightning

[Horsemumbler]

2104960
Exactly. It's a metaphor... I think.

[FlanChan]

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Name of Story: A Night at the Masquerade

Grammar: 7

Pros

The writing for the most part was pretty good

The premise was promising

Good description

Cons

Sometimes the grammar problems distract from the story

I really feel that with this concept, it should have been longer. People don't snap that easily

The first couple paragraphs didn't catch my attention very well

Notes
I realize that this was just a thing for school, so it didn't need to be really long, but I still feel like it would benefit from being drawn out more.
Also dat ending

I hope that my review was helpful in some way! If you would, please check out my story The Generation That Even Time Has Forgotten!

Your Faithful Critic,
FlanChan

[Alubrony]

That Poe and Dante influence doe

[Basic Information]

heh, this was a decent read. I oughta check out your second story as well .

[gcwg57]

5254795 Thanks for the favorite, and the follow. I personally think that this story needs a ton of work before I could even consider it good, but I'm glad you like it. May I ask how you found this story?

[Basic Information]

5255016 Well I tend to snoop around the more unpaved areas of the sight and browse random pages for something I might like to read.
And this story caught my eye.

P.S I thinks it's decent compared to my grammatical train wrecks of stories, lol.