Changelings were always considered to be mindless, emotionless bugs. But three changelings will change those stereotypes when they find themselves captured for research. Twilight needs to take care of these changelings if she wants to or not, but she'll find out that there's more to a changeling than meets the eye...
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Interesting premise, but a damn good reason for Twilight essentially torturing these guys will be the clincher for me.
You’ve caught my attention for now… but this could go downhill very fast if not handled properly.
That tragedy tag is not inviting given the premise.
There should be a comma after ‘he’ll get us out of here in no time’.
The ‘h’ in hope should be capitalised.
The ‘j’ in just should be capitalised.
Processing or digesting would probably be better than progressing.
1987383 fimfiction-static.net/images/story_images/63951_r.png?1353266112
SCIENCE!!!!
One thing I don't like is how open they are with her.
For a story called 'Silence of the Changelings', they're incredibly vocal
But seriousface, I think they talk WAY too much. They've seen her for less than a few seconds, and they're already chatting up a storm, and sharing things you'd think they wouldn't.
Alright. I think this is a really interesting premise that has a lot of potential. Unfortunately, though, I'm not really a fan of it as it stands, for a couple of reasons.
The grammar issues have already been pointed out. There's quite a few of them. Some mistakes are unavoidable (hell, everytime I read back through my own stuff I catch errors that I haven't caught before), but you can avoid most of them by having someone else proofread it for you. Don't assume you'll be able to catch all the mistakes yourself: as the author, you already know what every sentence is supposed to say, which can sometimes make it more difficult to catch what it really says when the two don't match.
The other thing to keep in mind is voices. Different characters talk differently. Even the same character will talk differently in different scenarios. For example, Twilight is a studious pony committed to doing everything professionally, so I was surprised that while she had a strict tone, her word choices and vocabulary were more casual. She seems willing to openly discuss everything with her prisoners, like equals. Likewise, the changelings are all to eager to answer her questions and respond. Remember that these changelings are soldiers. They probably have an expected behavior when dealing with the enemy too. And if they break this behavior, it's because they're scared, which if anything would make them less talkative.
Early on, you write things such as 'said the changeling.' When they're all changelings, this doesn't help that much. I still have no idea who's talking half the time in those scenes.
I also feel that the characters aren't distinguishable enough. What we do know (Flash being outgoing, Flash being Hope's protector) has been stated instead of demonstrating. Remember, show, don't tell. I want to see Flash be the most willing to work with Twilight, but then change his mind once he suspects Hope is in danger. I want to he him try to both protect Hope from any physical moves Twilight makes at him, and also attempt to protect him from the psychological burden of their imprisonment. (And that's another thing, I suppose. The changelings don't seem very traumatized by what's happening to them. They seem irritated, but that's it.)
Finally, the plot doesn't have much of a direction. The first chapter of a story should establish not only the characters, but a purpose as well. What do they do now? There's not much they can do. They have no freedom and no power. And I don't yet know them enough to care about what happens to them.
Favorited, because I want to see where you go with this. I do think the execution could use a little work, but I like the idea enough to keep reading for now.
Thank all of you for the criticism! It's greatly appreciated! I'll make sure to work on the points pointed out to me.
Twilight is OOC. Other than that, everything that was said before.
This is really good.... Please keep it up.
I still think Twilight is going to end up a war criminal because of this.
1987779
He forced me to read it through and I'm tired leave me alone
That's just....Holy shit....This is so inhumane....Have you ever been forcefed something inedible?
....I have. And I'm feeling sick just reading this, due to how accurate you portrayed he expeirience....and..oh shit...I uh..need to go...lest I make a mess...
P.S. Seriously though, continue. I NEED to see how this turns out.
I hope things can calm down between trhe two groups and Twilight can get some headway in her research without hurting them too much and being able to befriend them.
In most horror stories, the protagonist at least has a little freedom to act. In this one, the protagonist is so helpless that the story becomes relentlessly grim and depressing, making it one of the least enjoyable stories I've ever read.
MAybe he could hold his teeth together and breath through the cracks? I don't know? Maybe yell out the exact result of eating those things?
BAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD TWIGHLIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this story would actually be more readable if Twilight dissected one of them while still alive, horrible yes but this? this is inhumane just for the joy of being inhumane. not really learning anything about them.
Are you still working on this story?
2343519
Yes! Just really very busy lately.
Hmm, man, I'm steeped in anticipation of the next events!
Is this still updating as per your blog, or is the "Hiatus" tag I just noticed on this new and unannounced? I have read since the first post and am waiting to see where this goes, as it has some serious potential.
2826069
The Hiatus tag is new. I don't have the inspiration or feel the need to continue this story for now. But don't worry, it'll still continue, just not now.
Damn....I was going to use this title, but you got to it before I did. >.> Why did I have to look it up.
wow this was actually kinda fucked up. its scarin the britches off me.
1991993
Agreed. Making them use their food bowl as a latrine sounds disturbingly close to the kind of treatment prisoners of Auschwitz and the other concentration camps went through. Even though I believe (hope) Twilight won't perform torturous medical tests, or gas them, the similarities are unnerving.
What is going on out there?
Almost two freaking years!
5101792
Next chapter won't take two years! Probably...
5105304
...To quote the great retard who wrote this song:
Holy balls, this story rocks.
What's ironic is that I just started a new story and the main character is a red-eyed Changeling.
5100640
(Head canon)
Following the wedding, the rebuilding work cost way more than was expected.
To pay for this, ideas were put forward. One of these was "science-porn", changeling prisoners (the ones who were so low down in the ranks they were considered "disposable") would be experimented on and the footage would be sold through certain outlets to certain rich parties.
Twilight has no idea what's going on, she thinks she's following orders for science purposes not porn creation.