Shame at the Checkout
Shame at the Checkout
Beads of cold sweat rolled down Rainbow Dash’s neck. The hot ceiling lights above intensifying the anxiety she felt to such a point that she felt as though she was going to pass out. There she was, standing in the middle of Ponyville's largest store. Her eyes were wide, staring at the newest piece of fan-merchandise being sold.
No, it wasn't anything to do with the Wonderbolts.
It was a limited-time offer Daring Do wallet. Rainbow Dash had to keep her mouth shut to prevent herself from drooling. The wallet was grey and had the adventurer’s face printed on the front, grinning competitively at some invisible foe. Even as a picture, she was a force to be reckoned with. Hilariously, based on how she looked out of the wallet, Rainbow Dash felt as though she was the foe- her hero's ruby eyes piercing into her own like an arrow nocked on a bow, primed to fire.
Overall, it was beyond awesome, much better than most of the merchandise mass-produced for the franchise. The smiling image of Daring Do, the snarling beasts in the background that tried to grab her as she swung away on a rope. Rainbow Dash did not just want the wallet. She craved it, hungered for it. The wallet was like a siren singing a heavenly song, inciting her to buy it.
Picturing all of the fans of Daring Do wearing their own accessories, from saddle-bags to jewelry, made Dash ripe with envy. Not only because of the cool merchandise that they had and she wanted, but because they had the bravery to go outside and show it off without caring about anybody else's opinion. Even though many ponies derided the books series as “foalish”, and mocked anypony beyond a certain age who liked it, that didn't stop many die-hard fans from showing it off. Their response would be to simply lift their muzzles up with a smile and walk off, as if they owned the town and did not give a flying feather what others thought.
Rainbow Dash knew that except for her close friends, like Twilight and Applejack, most Ponyville mares her age didn't read the 'Daring Do' series. Instead, they read more “mature” books, such as the ”Fifty Shades of Clop” novel that everypony seemed to be talking about. Sure critics and stallions everywhere panned it, but that didn't stop a large number of mares from enjoying the erotic stories within. It seemed the cyan pegasus ran into herds of mares reading it every day, sitting at coffee shops, leaning back against a tree, even standing in the middle of the street- blocking the path of everypony else. They would read it anywhere at any time.
But some were reserved and read the novel in private. One day, Rainbow Dash found a copy in Fluttershy's house, which the timid pegasus swore wasn't hers. Initially, Rainbow Dash didn't believe her. But then Rarity stopped by- claiming to have left something 'valuable' behind. When she saw that the athletic pegasus was present, she sheepishly made her way over to the book and picked it up. She then shot a glare at both pegasi, exclaiming that "this moment never happened" before trotting out of the cottage.
Snapping herself back to reality, Rainbow Dash focused all of her attention back on the wallet. She wished that she had a fraction of the guts that most mares, minus Rarity and some others, had when it came to expressing their love for books and other things they'd get judged for liking.
Though being a fan of Daring Do should have been far less embarrassing than liking that book, the odd truth of life was that it wasn't. The only reason Rainbow was confident enough to get the Daring Do books was because Twilight always got early copies. The librarian would allow Rainbow Dash to either get it early so she could sneak it out of the library when nopony was looking, or read the book in the privacy of the library itself. Though she was perfectly happy helping her friend sneak out of the library to read the book on her own, Twilight always hoped for Rainbow Dash to stay with her so they could embark on the adventures of Daring Do together.
The unicorn had even made a pair of matching "Reading Buddies" t-shirts for her and Rainbow. The cyan pegasus begrudgingly wore her shirt around the library- but only there. Never would she step outside wearing something so embarrassing.
Rainbow Dash was far too nervous to purchase the books in a public store. This fear had intensified the one time she decided to see where the local bookstore kept its copies of Daring Do. To her horror, they were in the back of the store, specifically in the "youth" section. This angered and confused her. Why would they put them in the youth section when ponies of all ages enjoyed the series- so long as they were willing to give it a chance?
It struck her as an insult, and she felt relieved that she made the decision to only purchase copies of the book from Twilight. But then she realized how silly and weak she sounded. She was Rainbow Dash; the supposedly tough and strong pegasus who never cared what others thought and took on life with a 'that's just your opinion' attitude. Angry with herself for being so self-conscious, she decided then and there to take measures to overcome her irrational fear of what others thought.
That’s why she was here today. She was going to buy her very first piece of Daring Do memorabilia (excluding the books, of course), and take a stand against this overwhelming, self-conscious fear! She would proudly purchase something she truly wanted.
I can do this, I can do this. She slapped her hoof against her head, psyching herself up like she was preparing for a flying competition. Every now and then she’d shift down the row of collectibles to make it appear as if she were looking at the newest Batmare accessories, a franchise much less embarrassing to be a fan of. She did like Batmare, but she liked Daring Do even more. So she kept her focus on the wallet with the adventure pony on it.
Just grab the bag, trot over to the checkout, pay for it and leave. It’s as simple as that. She thought. And besides, who cares what everypony else thinks. You’re Rainbow Dash! The fastest and coolest pony in Equestria, a wallet doesn't change that in the slightest.
She thought this with confidence, but in reality she felt anything but. The truth was that she did care what others thought about her. She cared about her image and how others viewed her. She didn't want to be seen as a weirdo or an oddity, she wanted to be seen as the awesome pegasus that she was.
As she continued to deliberate what to do, Rainbow Dash found herself interrupted when a monotone voice came over the intercom of the store: ”Attention shoppers. We’ll be closing in five minutes. Please finish finding what you're looking for and proceed to the checkout. Thank you."
Rainbow Dash swallowed hard. She took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly.
It's now or never. Come on, Rainbow. Make a decision and stick with it.
With that, she slowly extended a hoof out towards the wallet, seconds seemed like hours, the ceiling lights felt like the afternoon sun, blazing down upon the back of her neck and causing her to sweat even more. It was a nervousness she imagined Fluttershy felt before performing in the Hearth's Warming Eve play.
She extended her hoof out towards the wallet, grabbing it and bringing it to her chest. She fearfully looked from side to side, making sure nopony saw her. A couple of ponies trotted by, but they were too far away to notice the paranoid pegasus.
She let out a sigh, feeling slightly better now that she had forced herself to take action. But her anxiety didn’t end there, for she knew holding the wallet was only half the battle. The other half came from successfully making her way through checkout as quickly and stealthily as possible. She looked down at the wallet. Daring Do’s face gazed up into her own. Suddenly, Rainbow Dash felt a wave of determination surge through her.
I can do this. She thought, taking a couple deep breaths to steady herself. Daring Do would never care what anypony thought, and neither do I! I’m going to buy this wallet, and I’m going to hold my head up high while doing it! Bring it haters!
And with that, Rainbow Dash started to trot off, but stopped after about three steps. Her panic was surging, and she knew that she had to do something if she hoped to get through these next few minutes. She quickly turned and snatched two Batmare wallets that she thought looked somewhat cool and trotted off. It wasn’t that she actually wanted the Batmare wallets, even if she did enjoy some of the comics and movies. In all honesty, she had no desire to buy, let alone use, the two extra wallets she had in her possession right now.
But she felt that maybe, just maybe, if she bought two cool wallets from a more mature franchise such as Batmare, it would cancel out the “immature” Daring Do wallet in the eyes of the cashier and anypony else that happened to see her. She briskly trotted towards check-out, going as fast as she could, the Daring Do wallet sandwiched between the Batmare wallets to hide it from view.
She was still extremely nervous and could not go more than ten seconds without sneaking a glance over her shoulder, fearful that all of the customers in the store were staring at her. She imagined them pointing at her and calling her names behind her back because of her choice to buy the Daring Do wallet.
Finally she reached the checkout line. It wasn’t long, only one pony stood between her and the cashier. But as soon as she took her place in line, about three other ponies filed in behind her, crowding close in their eagerness to checkout before the store closed. Rainbow Dash took a couple of deep breaths and forced herself to relax, trying to put her mind on anything besides what she was purchasing. She didn’t want to appear nervous, that would draw unwanted attention to herself and, quite possibly, to the somewhat embarrassing wallet she intended to buy.
She was determined to get through the checkout as quickly and painlessly as possible. Her eyes wandered as she waited for the pony ahead to finish her transaction so she could get the ordeal over with. Dash gritted her teeth in aggravation as she watched the cashier sluggishly ring up a small mountain of food.
I knew I should have gotten in the express line, she thought.
Finally the mare ahead of Rainbow Dash finished paying and trotted off, staggering out of the store under roughly a dozen bags stuffed to the brim with food. Now it was Rainbow Dash's turn. There was nothing to prevent her from completing her mission now. She stepped up to the register and handed the cashier the three wallets. Daring Do was still sandwiched in between the two Batmares, a situation that would surely give some ponies ideas for inappropriate fanfiction. Rainbow Dash shuddered at the thought of such stories, especially when they involved her fictional hero.
She waited for the cashier to punch in the price of each wallet. Instead of scanners (which only the richer places in Equestria had) stores in Ponyville still used printed price tags. The cashier glanced at the top wallet’s price-tag and clicked it into his small calculator. He then turned the wallets over and found the price of the bottom Batmare wallet, and entered it in as well. Rainbow Dash held her breath in anticipation. Her head started to feel light.
“Excuse me,” the cashier said.
“Yeah?” Rainbow Dash answered meekly, preparing for the worst.
The cashier smiled. “You’re really a huge fan of Batmare, aren't you?”
Rainbow Dash’s jaw fell as pointed at the two wallets he already looked over.
“Oh...yeah that! He-he, I...I love...Batmare," she nervously said.
The stallion chuckled, “Me too. Especially the recent movies that came out. They're fantastic. Colt Nolan outdid himself with that finale.”
“Yep, he sure did.” Rainbow Dash sighed. "Gotta love that actress that plays her. What's her name? Hayseed Bale?
The cashier pony nodded and looked over the Daring Do wallet, a curious look on his face. Rainbow began to bite her lip, preparing for the cashier to call her out in front of the ponies that were behind her in line.
“Is everything...okay?” Rainbow Dash asked.
The cashier pony shook his head.
“No." He said. "I’m afraid something is not okay.”
Rainbow Dash closed her eyes, ready to hear something like "You do know this is a foal's book series, right?" or "pretty interesting wallet for the coolest pony in Ponyville, <snicker>" or, possibly the worst, "What's next, are you gonna admit to wearing diapers, too?” She could just imagine everypony laughing at her, mocking her for liking something that was so unlike her normal interests, or at least the interests she wanted to put on display.
Finally cashier spoke: “The tag is missing from this wallet.”
Rainbow Dash opened her eyes and looked up at the cashier. “R-really? That’s it?” She asked, a wave of relief crashing over her.
“What else would it be?” The cashier asked with a small chuckle. "You ought to relax a bit, no point getting worked up about checking out."
"He-he, yeah. Silly me." Rainbow Dash anxiously said, running a hoof through her ragged mane. She still couldn’t believe that nothing happened. She had worked herself up to be humiliated in front of everypony behind her, yet the only thing the cashier noticed was the lack of a price tag. She was about let out a sigh of relief when the cashier did something that revived the terror she had felt.
Now Ponyville might not have had scanners at their stores, and much other technologies that could be found in wealthier parts of Equestria were also absent from the simple, quaint town.
Being a simple, quaint town meant that Ponyville lacked much of the technologies found in richer parts of Equestria (such as price scanners). But if there was one thing ponies in Ponyville took pride in, it was their ability to express themselves in the most gregarious, bombastic way possible. That was why so many impromptu songs broke out around town. It was one of the main reasons the town was so welcoming and full of brightness.
And that’s also why intercoms were commonplace.
The cashier grabbed what appeared to be a small microphone and before Rainbow Dash could stop him, spoke into it: “REGISTER TEN, I NEED A PRICE CHECK ON A ‘DARING DO ADVENTURE WALLET’!”
Rainbow’s face flashed to bright red instantly. She shrunk back from the counter, humiliated while the oblivious cashier continued.
“REGISTER TEN, COME ON I NEED A PRICE CHECK! IT’S THE WALLET FOR LITTLE FILLIES WITH DARING DO ON IT!”
Rainbow Dash slowly turned around to catch some of the ponies behind her, staring at her while some appeared to be laughing. As her wings folded tightly against her side, her ears fell flat against her head. She never felt more of a connection with Fluttershy than she did at that moment.
A taller stallion, roughly the same age as the cashier, trotted over to the register, a curious look on his face. “You called me over?” He asked.
The cashier nodded and pointed at the mortified Rainbow Dash.
“Yeah, this mare wants to buy these three wallets," the cashier said, now pointing at the three wallets lying out on the counter. He then tapped his hoof against the 'Daring Do' one. "But the tag on this Daring Do Wallet is missing. I was wondering if you could tell me the price so she could pay for it.”
Dear Celestia, why is he doing this to me!?! The pegasus thought, her cheeks now like a pepper in coloration and heat. Does he understand how embarrassed I feel right now?
The taller stallion put his hoof to his chin as if to ponder. “Hang on; this was in the youth section, right?”
Rainbow Dash cringed at the word 'youth' being used to describe something she was going to purchase. She felt as if she was shrinking, slowly turning back into a school-aged filly- the humiliation feeling like the age-reduction spell Trixie used when in Ponyville. She couldn't take it anymore.
“Actually," Rainbow Dash spoke up, "I don’t need it.”
The two stallions turned their attention towards her, eyebrows raised.
"What?" asked the taller stallion. "You don't need this 'Daring Do Adventure Wallet'?"
Stop referring to it by its full name! Rainbow Dash screamed in her head, but her external dialogue did not match her internal thoughts. Fortunately, this was a rare moment where she was able to bite her tongue to prevent unwanted thoughts from escaping her lips.
"Nope! Don't need it. I'm fine." Rainbow Dash said, her voice rapid and panicked.
“Really?” The cashier asked with a hint of doubt in his voice.
“Yeah.” Rainbow hastily responded.
The cashier looked at Rainbow Dash, then back at the taller stallion, who simply shrugged. The cashier nodded and turned back, still with a look of bewilderment still on his face.
“O-okay, then.” The cashier said, clearly not understanding the motive behind her sudden dismissal of the wallet. “That brings your total cost down to six bits for the two Batmare wallets.”
But Rainbow Dash didn't want the Batmare wallets. She wanted the Daring Do one. The other two were simply means to lessen the impact of her purchasing the 'Daring Do' wallet. Now that she chickened out, there was no need for her to buy them.
“On second thought...I just remembered I had a wicked sweet...Wonderbolts wallet at home!" She exclaimed. "Yeah, that’s it! Got a nice wallet with the Wonderbolts’ symbol on it. No need for these ones when I have a perfectly good wallet waiting for me at home. He-he.”
She thought that she heard a snicker come from behind her. She turned to see the four ponies with their hooves over their mouths. She still was not completely sure if they were talking and laughing about her or not, but this uncertainty did not make her feel any better. If anything it made her feel even more uneasy.
Rainbow took a step back. She couldn’t take it anymore. He wings extending and pulling back to her sides as she fought the urge to flee from the store like her tail was on fire. She turned her attention back to the two employee ponies, both of whom seemed completely oblivious to her inner torment. That was when she threw in the metaphorical towel.
“So...yeah...thanks I’ll see you later,” she said before bolting out the door, leaving a rainbow-colored trail in her wake. The stallions exchanged perplexed looks.
“What the hay just happened?” asked the taller, non-cashier pony.
“I have no idea,” the cashier muttered. The tall stallion walked off as the cashier let out a groan, pressing his hoof to his forehead.
“Next customer please?” He called out.
The tall employee left as a teenage colt trotted up to the register with a fresh 'Batmare' comic. He wore a pair of glasses and was quite thin.
The cashier smirked. “Ah the newest Batmare comic, I see.” He said.
“Yep! I love her, she’s so totally wicked awesome,” the colt said in a nasally voice, his braces making him spit a little as he spoke. The cashier opened his mouth to speak, but was silenced when the colt spoke up again.
“Hey, um, is there any chance that I could get those three wallets?” He asked, pointing at the three collectible wallets Rainbow Dash had abandoned, Daring Do still sandwiched in-between the two Batmares.
"Uh...sure." The cashier said, clearly confused but willing to play along. “What do you want them for? Just out of morbid curiosity?”
“Oh, I write fanfiction," The colt said with a grin, pointing down at the wallets, "and these three babies give me some excellent ideas!”
Rainbow Dash kept flying away from the store until she reached a small tuft of cloud. She flew up to it and landed, burying her face into it's comforting softness and crying.
Why couldn’t I stand up for myself? She thought. Why did I act like such a chicken?
She rolled onto her back and stared up, wiping her tears away. She always stood up for herself, even in the face of those that mocked her, and yet when it came to something as mundane as buying merchandise for a book series that she genuinely enjoyed, she found that her usual courage was gone.
Why do I let others’ opinions of me dictate how I act?
She sat up and sighed, staring at the ground beneath her. Ponies milled around, talking among one-another, laughing it up. She was too far up to hear what they were saying, but it was clear that they were having the time of their lives. She watched as three stallions, all dressed in classy business attire, stumbled out of a cider bar, laughing it up.
They were drunk and jolly, a truly winning combination. But what grabbed her attention was how they were acting- stumbling around like idiots. One even trotted over to a trash-can and, from what Rainbow could tell, vomited. The other two laughed at their sick friend before continuing down the road. The third stallion- now finished heaving up his drink- ran in a most comical fashion to catch up to his friends.
Rainbow Dash was never much of a drinker. In fact the most she ever had was one or two ciders, never getting drunk once. So as she watched this scene play out, she could not help but shake her head in disbelief.
What losers. Rainbow Dash thought with a chuckle. Is this really what passes as mature these days? Ponies getting wasted and acting like idiots as a means to escape their daily lives?
She lay back and stared up at the sky, now tinting orange as the Sun began to set.
Why did I get so worked up about what others possibly thought of me? She asked herself. I’m not even sure if they were laughing at me or not. But even if they were, why should I care what they think? When did drinking become more mature than enjoying quality entertainment?
Rainbow Dash slowly sat up, her eyes widening in realization as a confident smile replaced her expression of regret.
Yeah, She thought. Why should I care? The only pony whose opinion should matter is my own!
She stood proudly on the cloud, now grinning as the epiphany finally hit her.
Nopony has a right to mock me as immature! I am who I am, I like what I like, and I should not be ashamed to admit it!” She triumphantly exclaimed in her mind, her cockiness returned. I’m the awesome Rainbow Dash, and nopony can convince me otherwise!
She leapt into the air and with a triumphant holler flew off towards her home, already looking forward to the next day, when she’d go back to the store and purchase that wallet with her head held up high.
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Now Dash knows how some bronies feel when purchasing MLP at Wal-Mart.
1739058
Try rooting through boxes of blind bag ponies with your wife, reading off codes while she consults a list for the ones she still needs....
NY, I think you did a great job of capturing the hesitancy and self-doubt RD is feeling here, as well as the quiet envy of people who have left their concerns behind. I... I won't speculate as to why that section is articulated so well... that would be a bit hypocritical of me.
Do I detect a bit of fanservice with the 'sandwiched' wallets reference? Little things like that made me laugh; nicely done!
1739058
I actually based this story on my own experience buying the Rainbow Dash wallet from Hot Topic over the summer.
1739223
Thanks
And yes this story was based on the time I went to Hot Topic and bought the Rainbow Dash wallet. I could probably buy MLP stuff a little easier now since I don't care as much (I also plan to when I get back home, perhaps even a t-shirt to wear around the dorm) but back then it was one of the ballsiest things I'd done.
1739330
This could apply to anyplace that sells MLP items.
1739378
Very true
1739330 I hate what Hot Topic has turned into(yeah I'm a gothic brony
) but I do like how they have MLP stuff, even if it is only because its the "latest thing" and that they jump on to any and all "fads". Hilarious story by the way.
1751151
Thanks, glad you enjoyed it
And yeah, if I remember what Hot Topic was like a while back, it's really changed
1739330 I got that same wallet I bet! And I also got my RD shirt from there.
My brony hat I found at Spensor's
.... Oddly enough, I had this same feel when I went into Hot Topic for the first time and saw the "Music is my life" Octavia t-shirt. Spent a long time whether or not I should buy it...
... Went to the checkout; realized I had no money.
Great fic, though
Quite hilarious. Nice work, my friend. 
Won't be surprised if it gets featured.
~Have a savvy day!
~
1751160
Yeah it's the one I saw on Equestria daily. Normally I can repress myself but...come on...it was RAINBOW DASH!
I sucked it up and bought it. And everything went better than expected. Planning on going to Hot Topic when I get home for Winter Break. Maybe pick-up a nice pony t-shirt.
1751168
Hopefully you're right about it being featured. Keeping my fingers crossed.
Glad you enjoyed it
1751159 Oh and the "Fifty Shades of Clop" part was pure genius.
1751189
It had to be done lol.
You know what I love about this story?
That the nerdy kid had more guts than Rainbow Dash.
And yes, I've kind of gone through this, but not with MLP...
You see, us Bronies aren't the only ones who go through this. I've been an avid Bionicle fan for years now. (Even after it ended). The fandoms share several similarities, most notably problems at the checkout. I've been lucky enough to avoid such problems.
Strangely, though I've collected many Bionicle sets over the years, I don't really buy MLP merchandise. I would like to get my hands on that nice villain poster, though.
1751240
Yeah this story is sort of meant to be a broad application to all fandom. I mean, MLP especially, but I'd be self-couscous purchasing things pertaining to "How to Train Your Dragon", even though it's my favorite animated film of all time. But that's just it...it's animated (and not Family Guy, Simpsons, etc...) and in our world being into things like that as an adult is seen by many as strange, when it shouldn't be.
But what are you gonna do? <shrugs>
1751178 Speaking of Pony t-shirts... remember the one I mentioned to you on Saturday?
i187.photobucket.com/albums/x163/Shammon_of_Gaia/aaa%20General%20Good%20Crap%20zzz/BikerDashCustomShirt.png
1751265
Oh yeah
Wouldn't mind wearing something like that
I first read this on deviantart. Loved it there, love it here.
1751279 Only one will be made...
Also, I am designing my own custom questick case. It is gonna be themed after my writing persona, of course.
If at all possible, I wish to make this one myself. Marine vinyl exterior with custom embroidery.
(Nothing is more pleasing than crafting your own stuff... now I understand why Rarity loves making dresses lol)
1751240Woot Bionicle
, I loved its story.
1751159
We went to HT a couple weeks ago so She Who Shall Not Be Deterred could get stuff with the discount code... and the staff was totally cool, chatting with her about all the new MLP merch.
Then, when we stepped outside, I noticed a cluster of about five-six bronies sitting on the benches outside the store. Brought a smile to my face to see them hanging out in a mall in Oklahoma unselfconsciously- heck, one of them even came in the store as we were in line to offer us an extra "20% OFF" scratch ticket. Gotta love the community!
*whispers* Towards the bottom, "He wings..." is missing an 'r'
1739330 I got the Vinyl Scratch one, and my experience was similar to this one.
"Should I buy it?"
"What will everyone think of me?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Yes it does."
"Fuck..."
"Fifty Shades of Clop"
Good sir, you are an island of truth in a swamp of lies. Why should a book about lewd acts be more accepted than a franchise that speaks to the inner child? Are cartoon ponies who preach peace through power and unity through friendship really more embarrassing than poorly-developed lust-avatars?
Apparently so. Yet which will have a more lasting, beneficial effect on the lives of young and old alike? A series about bringing pain to others for fleeting physical pleasure, or a two-part episode about defeating a changeling invasion to save your true love and treasure him forever? Seriously, even if one doesn't much care for a certain pink Alicorn, she's still got more character than the aforementioned lust-avatar.
Societal rant over, this was amazing. You took a moment that almost every older MLP-fan has either experienced or imagined, and ponified it. That's awesome. Everything from walking down the "youth isle" to covering up intent with "batmare" memorabilia. The intercom was a stroke of genius, and the end kicker was too much. Good show, sir. This story brightened my day.
Mechanics-wise, this is quite a ride in less than 3,500 words. Starting off with an explanation of how Daring Do is perceived in pony society versus "Adult-Oriented Novels" lays a firm foundation in the reader's mind. You moved very smoothly from one nervous moment to the next and kept the tension building to the story's climax. On a note of improvement, some adjustments to the flow of words could be made. For example, at the beginning of the story:
This doesn't sound quite right, because it's a separate sentence from "Beads of cold sweat rolled down Rainbow Dash’s neck." If a comma separated them instead of a period, it would sound better. Or, you could just convert the "-ing" verb to an "-ed" verb:
"The hot ceiling lights above intensified her anxiety until she felt as though she was going to pass out."
Little details like that are all I can find to critique in this story, and I hope it is helpful criticism. Really, by fanfiction standards this is extraordinary in both concept and form. For some reason, MLP attracts a large faction of good writers who actually want to improve. It makes you wonder who'll be laughing in five years, the ponies or the tasteless novels. I really enjoyed reading this, and hope you enjoyed writing it! It's is a great little nugget of meta-mindscrew that underscores a simple axiom:
Anything can be ponified. Even buying ponies.
1751844
So you're saying pony pony po-o-ony, pony should pony pony
1751844
Thanks. And yeah, this fandom has got to be one of the most talented, if not THE most talented, fandom of all time (maybe that's an exaggeration, idk).
I wouldn't be surprised to see a bunch of new writers and artists emerge over the next decade or so that started in this fandom and moved their way up. At least that's my goal with my own writing (I'd like to write screenplays down the line).
Either way, I'm happy you enjoyed this story and I hope that I can continue to deliver stories that you and everypony else on here can enjoy
Come on Rainbow Dash!
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Many lols had bee shed on this battlefield of a fanfic, this was EPIC
This was great. Poor Rainbow Dash, though...
lunachan.net/chat/src/134911419010.png
Excellent story, but only one remark.
Rainbow Dash is not cyan. She is, if I recall correctly, Columbia Blue.
Other than that, a fun read and good mix of inciting sympathy and getting a chuckle. The fanfiction train of thought was a nice touch. This needs to be spread to more readers, it's really good.
1787032
Thanks, glad you liked it
Yeah, I'd like to get more people to check it out. Any ideas on how I could spread this? I've already put it a lot of groups and I don't think EQD would take it lol.
If you don't think EqD would take it, send it to Discord's Domain. They don't so much take EqD rejects as they do take things that are a little off the beaten path. It's a blog that encourages community debate, and while I've only sent two stories (one of which got accepted) the response I got was very quick. They won't tell you if it's accepted, they just put it up. And they don't get as many submissions as EqD. I got about 20-ish referrals through that, and I had a bad cover pic. Something as thought-provoking as this will get through, no doubt.
I've also taken the liberty of adding this to Twilight's Library , and arcum42 agreed with me that it's good feature material for the group. Putting things on the main page of a group is a little iffy with the new site setup, but when the next feature comes around it'll be added to the folder and about a hundred people will know.
Looking around, if you want publicity it seems Giant in the Playground forums and something called spacebattles forums seem to give a lot of hits (about a hundred in total for Certain Advantages). But I wouldn't recommend joining other forums to plug your fic: it'll turn people off.
My advice: keep writing goodfic, garner watchers/stalkers and if you see an opportunity to featurebait, do so. Just don't compromise a good fic for the sake of popularity.
1788333
Cool, I might check out the Discord's Domain thing. It doesn't seem like there are a lot of comments for fics there, though. Does it still get a decent amount of attention? If so, I'll submit it.
1791831
Well, it's another platform. Like I said, I got about 10-odd hits off it, better than nothing. And it's a site where you can work on a reputation, isn't it?
1793913
True. I'll send this story there later today and see where it goes. Thanks for the tip
Brilliant!
So, how long till somepony writes Fifty Shades of Clop?
1839825
Not sure...don't give them ideas, though.
It's only a matter of time
Well, well, well, look what we have here. A story just about everyone here can relate to. This ought to be interesting, to say the least. And greetings, I am Missy, a reviewer for WRITE, for you have called for us, and they have sent their resident nerd. This is my first review a part of that group, so *pushes up glasses* here we go:
The premise itself is very original and hilarious. The description alone made me grin, and that's good, because a promising, attention-grabbing description is everything. You basically bring in the common brony worry (“What will these strangers think of me when I buy this merchandise of a 'childish' franchise?”) and use it with ponies. And the fact it's Rainbow Dash on this... adventure, I'll call it, just makes it better.
You really quite nail the complication one has with buying something from a rather embarrassing fandom (I don't want to say embarrassing, yet it's hard to buy merchandise even at, say, Hot Topic, for a reason). I literally shrank back when he screamed out what she was buying into the intercom. Because it's something so relatable to just about every closet brony, many can understand the emotion and struggle it can be (I remember getting a brony wristband not long ago, but I also got another band to balance that out—good Celestia, I thought I was the only one to ever do that.)
There are a few grammatical errors—such as you do not need quotations for thoughts when they are already italicized. Also, I noticed that you use hyphens is some places that don't need them.
An example:
Some sentences like this can just have a comma instead. And in some cases, you press together two words with a hyphen when it doesn't need to. Another example:
Just take out the hyphen there, and maybe look over some other words, as well. I cannot quite explain what makes one have one or not, but I do not think there are too many in that case.
Next, when writing dialogue, in a lot of cases, you write it like this;
Since it's narrating that he said it, sentences like this can be changed into:
I wouldn't have pointed this out if I hadn't seen it so much. I do not mean to carp, nor do I mean to make this a grammar lesson for you—it's just simple things I feel I should mention for future references. Not to mention the mechanical problems of this story can be fixed easily. Now onto my thoughts on the actual story.
One thing that bothers me in this story is that the ponies snickering seems very odd. Realistically thinking, if one sees someone buying something targeted for fillies, they would not immediately laugh or assume it is for the pony buying it. I'm entirely aware this part was added in order to shrink Rainbow's confidence about this; however, I believe that ponies would not instantly jump into making fun of someone buying a childish thing. Not to mention that they're kind of shoving the fact it was from the youth section in Rainbow Dash's face, but I suppose that is because this is basically satirizing how, uh, expressive ponies can be, I suppose. Heh.
You take the reactions and emotions of most bronies and ponify it. As a whole, it's short, just being close to four thousand words, yet the story flows well enough to make that number work for this. I think having Rainbow Dash be the nervous fan is just hilarious. While she is ever the arrogant and tough, there is always one thing someone has that makes he/she want to crawl into a rock for several hours. Who knew she'd have a lack of self-confidence in moments so simple as this?
I'd like to think that Rainbow Dash would probably stand up for herself in the end (what kid wants a wallet, of all things, anyway? As a kid, no one I knew cared about having one—but that could just be me), since she is still Rainbow Dash, and she can kind of give that it's not a big deal (because it isn't). Yet there are some bronies who will stand up for him/herself and others would not, no matter how tough you are overall, and while it is not a big deal, we will nearly always act as if it is upon instinct. I can more imagine her being of the former, or at least trying.
Also, I feel like the end was really unnecessary. I would have liked to see how Rainbow was doing about this, not some stereotypical nerd who's making fanfiction about Batmare.
For my first review as a part of the WRITE group, I can say this fanfiction is actually quite good. It's a well thought out piece, not to mention something I've never seen before—and it's portrayed greatly. I honestly think what made it was having Rainbow Dash as the main character, because for the most part I can see her acting like this. A really good job, if I do say so myself. I do not know the requirements of Equestria Daily, nor do I think my opinion will make this certain (hardly do I ever even so much as touch that site), but honestly, they can be very picky, so some of the problems I mentioned above could very much make the difference between making it or not. However, I find it to be find quality, so trying it out over there cannot hurt. It's humorous, the flow goes well in my mind, and it's something many bronies can relate to. The grammar, overall, is not perfect, but it is strong. Look it over one more time and take notice of the mistakes I pointed out to make sure.
~Missy, WRITE's Resident Total Nerd
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1844468
Thank you very much for the help. I added an ending with Rainbow because of your suggestion so hopefully that will play into its favor.
1844672
The ending with RD on the cloud. I originally ended the story with the nerdy pony saying how he wrote fanfiction. This way it's a little more serious and less silly
1844691 Excellent! I absolutely love Rainbow Dash's epiphany near the end. I only wish some other fans--such as myself, heh--could see things like her and stand up for themselves about being fans of a more "childish" franchise.
1844745
Yeah, same. Though I'm sort of like that too. Just the other day I bought two pony card packs, but to make up for it I bought three football card packs too.
Which worked out well, since I got a card of Chris Givens, who was the star receiver at my college last year (Wake Forest).
- Continuity error.
I like the added ending! Seeing personal growth in Dash gives me the warm fuzzies. I'm glad, though that you left the nerd in... that was a great ending on it's own. :)
1845995
Yeah I might have to get rid of it if EQD thinks it's too much of a shift in POV. Hopefully it isn't because I don't want to get rid of that little joke.
1845456
Thanks for letting me know
Pretty sweet story. The batmare fanfiction jokes were hilarious, but the plot and the lessons therein were really epic. Most excellent.
2173785
Thanks
This perfectly captures the feel you get when you but MLP merchandise at Hot Topic. I should know, I once bought a Derpy wallet there. Thing is, the only reason I was there is becuse my family was at the mall, and my little sister wanted the Power Rangers shirt she saw. It's an awkward situation, your dad talking about Bronydom like it was some bold statement, and your mom talking about all of it as girl's merchandise. Then she says it's because the sleeves were short... The mall, every non-driving teenage Brony's bane.
1751580
They have a Vinyl Scratch wallet?! Aw, I got the Derpy one 'cause I needed a new wallet. I'm not even that big a fan of Derpy!