It’s just a hobby don’t look too deep into it
Anon blinks, his expression a deadpan as he looks down at the rather peculiar title of a spear resting on top of a soft cushion within a display. He taps the glass, clearing his throat. “Tia, why would you need this?”
Princess Celestia hums. “Well, I believe someday it may have a use case.”
Anon points to the label. “Dwarf Deflator?”
Celestia harrumphs. “Evil can take on all shapes and sizes.”
“This is too much, girl.” Anon shakes his head, before gesturing to the thousands of other melee based items lining the walls. “There’s no reason you should have this many weapons.”
“I have the right to bear arms.”
“Sure, okay. But why do you have a pair of claw gauntlets fashioned from what seems to literally be bear arms?”
“Because I have the right.”
“But do you have the need?”
“Perhaps one day.”
“You have not been to war in over a hundred years. You’re a hoarder.”
Celestia paws the floor. “It is not a crime to have a collection.”
Anon massages the corners of his eyes and sighs. “I’d expect this from Luna, not you of all ponies…”
“Luna has one blade and only one. For that, she is a one trick pony.”
“A jack of all trades is a master of none.”
Celestia grows a smug looking smirk on her face. “But a jack of all trades is often more useful than a master of one.”
“Clearly you have potent world views on the matter.”
“Some of these weapons have great history, and nostalgia. A few are gifts from dear old friends.”
Anon looks around before pointing to another label. “Are you sure the hammer labeled Orphan Masher has a great history?”
“We don’t know exactly what it’s been through to get to this point.”
“I can imagine! And what’s this? Another one? Orphan Smasher? What’s the difference!?”
“Well you see, one mashes, and the other smashes.”
“Jesus, Celestia I’m sensing a theme here— Orphan Basher!? How many Orphan themed weapons do you have?”
“It’s good to have variety!”
“How many evil orphans do you come across!?”
“Not a single one, yet. But when I do I’ll have multiple contingencies!”
“Celestia there ain’t no way in fucking hell you’re gonna need…” Anon narrows his eyes to read another nameplate. “Anonymous Atomizer…?” His neck snaps to throw a incredulous look at the princess, voice squeaking he shouts. “Why do you have this!?”
“That one is newly minted.”
“It’s not a coin! And it’s designed to kill me!” Anon squeaks out.
“It atomizes you, actually.”
“Gee, I wonder what fucking happens when you atomize someone, Celestia!”
“Perhaps one day, if you turn to a way of villainy, we will find out.”
Anon flinches away, hands up. “H-hey now lady, watch it.” He croaks.
Celestia snorts. “It’s good to have options, my friend.” She stresses the word. “There is no harm in it.”
“Until it’s swinging right at me.” Anon mutters.
“The wicked flee when no one pursues, but the righteous are bold as a lion.”
“…a bible verse?”
“I’m the progenitor of the saying.”
“It’s uncanny how many things of my world find their way here.”
“It’s uncanny how many things of my world find their way into yours.”
Amon shakes his head. “Back to the point of contention—“ He trails, looking at a rather wicked looking… rolling pin. “…The Baby Kneader?”
Celestia nods wistfully. “Ah, a classic.”
“A classic, in that you’ve used it before or…?”
“A classic, in that it’s so old I cannot remember its origin.” She shrugs.
“Why. Just why would you need a rolling pin as a weapon? That seems highly unlikely to help in a combat situation.”
“It’s not built for combat situations. It’s built for kneading babies.”
“I… I don’t even know what to say to you anymore, Celestia. I’m beside myself.”
“Most stallions can’t handle the sheer girth of my armaments. It’s quite alright, Anon.”
“Implying that mares are ok with this?”
Celestia looks everywhere except the human’s eyes. “Well…”
“Tia how many people have seen your armory?”
“More than a few.”
“How much is that?”
“Er… a couple… dozen?” She quickly coughs out.
“A couple dozen.” Anon intones.
“Okay a few hundred.” Celestia admits.
“…and has any one of them been okay with this?”
Celestial looks to the floor, before whispering. “My sister is fine with it…”
“Of course she is…”
“Most feint when they see the Infant Immolator, so bravo.”
“How many FUCKING weapons involve children!?”
“Twenty one.”
“Twenty one?”
“Yes. Nine bladed weapons; ten blunt weapons.”
Anon does the math, and finds it wanting. “That’s nineteen Celestia.”
“Oh, well there’s the rolling pin, which you’ve decided isn’t a weapon. And the… um…”
“And the… what, Celestia?”
“We can skip that one.”
“Celestia.”
“Ha?”
“What is it?”
“…”
A staring contest is held.
“…”
Celestia loses. “It’s a pair of large garden sheers.”
“What is the name of said large pair of garden sheers?”
“Well…”
“Tia!”
“…Child Heads Clipper.”
“Oh come on!” Anon throws his arms in the air. “You’re doing this in purpose, something is seriously wrong with you!”
“What, just because I have a hobby I’m a villain?”
“I’m just saying most people who own weapons don’t have very niche, and incredibly specific, fucked up use cases!”
“Okay, well I do.”
Finally, Anon is at his breaking point. “I’ve had enough Tia.” He shakes his head. “I’m getting out of here.” Before quickly turning around and stomping out of the armory. Muttering to himself all the way.
Princess Celestia watches him go in silence. Unmoving for a few moments. Before turning to face a row of weapons Anon thankfully missed. She sighs. “Thank goodness he didn’t see the race specific juvenile based weapons…” She wipes a droplet of sweat from her brow. “Why are all stallions like this?” She bemoans, wandering over towards the many hanging items and slowly outreaching a hoof to gently caress one. She sighs, before sniffling.
“I just want a colt to appreciate my racks.”
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You can never trust orphans. Like, where are your parents?? Suspicious.
Are those weapons? Or Goregrind Albums?
lmao, that's fucked
They have a use by date. If you wait too long to use the Kraft singles, the use by date will pass, which means you can’t use them anymore, and they disappear.
However, if the use by date hasn’t passed by the time they are disappearing, you may want to check your walls for unwanted guests.
Me to Celestia:
"I don't know if I should be horrified or amazed by this. Do you have any scythes that you won't miss? If yes, are you single?"
Is this supposed to be a red flag? I see no problems here
I suppose her favorite play is pony centipede?
And now "Friendship is Manly" and "Equestria Men" are replaying in my head... and I'm fine with this.
Pegasus pulverizer.
Unicorn unmaker
Earth pony eradicator
Thestrial Thrasher
Minotaur murderer
Dragon disembowler.
That's all I've got for the moment.
Burt is my father btw.
Preach it. As a collector myself of course. Not of weapons. But models, I can appreciate some of Celestia's views here.
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Long lost, I’m afraid. Now tell your mother she will not see a single fifth of a quarter of a cent of any alimony payment from me.
But I did leave the milk I promised on the table, sorry it took so long… it might be a little chunky on account of the fact it’s been sitting out in the sun for several years. Time just flies by when you’re grinding crickets down to sniff the dust. Gives you the kind of high that makes you rub your legs together, y’know? Anyways, I’m off to huff asbestos. That one’s crazy train I can’t wait to ride. Catch you never son!
And here I was hoping that it was a collection she kept of the weapons used in her attempted assassinations and the funny stories behind each one.
11760437
Alas, I can only feed the hamster inside my brain wheel so much before he gets lethargic. Poor guy can’t withstand good ideas - it'll cause immolation. Not good for the body, no sir. I’m sure you understand.
Never before have i been so disappointed in a fanfic, as i did not see a single reference to The Throngler.
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Personally, I find it funnier as it is with human Anon (to the extent that the "character" is ever human) and a feral Celestia who legitimately doesn't understand what's so funny about what she said.
And yet when Cozy Glow finally showed up, she just got imprisoned and petrified. Such a waste.
You're looking for "faint". A "feint" is a type of attack (which, in fairness, arguably makes sense in the context of the story, but is grammatically incorrect here. Unless, y'know, random ponies are just having a go at Celestia after seeing too many weapons).
Unfathomably based Celestia.
Have you tried asking the hand that feeds you?
Just be happy she didn't whip out her sheath where she keeps The Throngler.
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She forgot to talk the best ones. One is long, and thick. Like more a slab of iron then a sword. It is called the dragon slayer. And when she whips it out and has her enemies on their backs, squealing for release, thats when she gives them the d.
And of course her less powerful minotaurian flail, though it too is beyond the ken of mortal though only one ball dangles attached to its rigid shaft. Its named the Armstrong
Honestly, I am left speechless...
Gotta be a crackfic! Gotta be a crackfic! Why else is there so many examples of a double entendre?
Know what? I just figured it out: a trollfic by Trollestia! Still fun to read, if silly...
11760437
Hey, Shakes! I see you now have an Applejack. Ain't that sweet...
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Was Cozy an orphan, though? It wouldn't do to try the Orphan Masher on a non-orphan.
Don't check your bread drawer, I may have needed it for a PB&J
lol
This is why i have starcutter
Does what it says on it!
It CUTS STARS!
Since sliced cheese sucks, have you considered using block cheese?
Cozy Glow. (And suddenly all the weapons are justified!)
Does that imply that she has a rack of dicks in her basement?
I’m trying to think of villains that were orphans. The only one I can think of for some reason is Voldemort/Tom riddle. Who else is there?
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Mostly it's villains who personally murdered their parents. Sometimes this is used as a throwaway joke.