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I Think I Died3,797 words
I Apparently Have Problems4,575 words
I Almost Got Assaulted in Court3,199 words
I’m Going to Die Next Chapter3,063 words
I Didn’t Die At Least3,491 words
I Want a Pet Foal Now3,141 words
Cadance Tried to Hangout With Me2,894 words
There’s a New Princess3,076 words
I Got Dragged to HorseTown3,746 words
So, Mom Came.3,489 words
I Have a Sister Too, I guess3,247 words
Various, Lunar Shenanigans3,082 words
Hi! I’m Skitter, Stinky’s Sister! This Chapter is From My Perspective!3,627 words
I Got Kidnapped3,368 words
Stinky Takes Griffonia… On Accident.2,911 words
Luna Got Kidnapped, so I have to Rescue Her.2,636 words
I Found a Filly. She's Mine Now. If Anyone Says Otherwise, I Will Lick Their Eye.3,508 words
This is My Filly. She is Mine. I Love Her.3,184 words
The Usual Stinky went on Vacation; Somepony Took his Filly.3,455 words
Meanwhile, Behind a Really Fancy Mirror3,174 words

Meanwhile, Behind a Really Fancy Mirror

Sunset Shimmer started grumbling on the way home. Today was a particularly bad day for her, since Flash Sentry just dumped her for being a bit mean to some stupid kid named Fluttershy. The simple fact of the matter is… Fluttershy had it coming! Sure, maybe Fluttershy was minding her own business, but that stupid girl bumped into her! She started it! To make things worse, the Fall Formal was happening in just a few months, and she was getting a little antsy about it. For one, the portal back to Equestria would be open around then, so she could take over the world, but then… what?

Maybe she should stop being evil, since usually ponies, and people that were evil usually ended up dead. Especially this one mustached guy from a place called Germany, he was pretty evil and now he’s dead.

I meant not alive, by the way, death shall not be mentioned in this family friendly story-

“What the actual fuck are you?” Sunset Shimmer asked, she had turned into a pet store at random, as it was the one place that she actually frequented despite not owning a pet. It was just a passtime after school, since she had nothing better to do. Her bits were apparently worth a lot more than they should’ve, since she could apparently live modestly for the rest of her life in this world from all the money she got from selling her bits. That didn’t matter right now, what was sitting in a tank was a platypus, but Sunset didn’t know that. To her it just looked like a stupid looking beaver with a beak.

It was pitch black, had big eyes that had nothing going on behind them, and occasionally it would open its mouth and make a noise. It stopped as soon as it realized Sunset Shimmer was staring at it. It tilted its head, made another noise, and then slowly started going cross eyed. It sat there for another good moment while Sunset looked it over.

It looked so stupid looking, so dumb, yet… Maybe Sunset could use a pet. It would give her something to do, and somebody to talk to. I mean, after all, it was a platypus, it couldn’t be that bad to take care of!

“Ah, you’re looking at the platypus today, eh?” The store clerk asked as he walked by to feed the various animals.

“That’s… a platypus?”

“Eeyup! Nobody wants him, since they say he’s pretty weird-”

Squish.

Squash.

It just blinks one eye at a time, very slowly, before it went back to being crosseyed and it made another noise.

“How much for…”

“Him? Oh, a hundred dollars; it’s a bargain given that nobody wants him, so I’ll even drop the price if that’s too much for you.”

“No, that’s perfect, actually.” Sunset shrugged. “I’ve been needing something to put my time into other than possibly taking over the world.”

“Alrighty! Let me just get the paperwork for you to sign, and some food for him, and you’ll be good to go! Would you like to hold him while you wait?”

“Sure!”

Sunset was then promptly handed the surprisingly stinky platypus. It wasn’t even a bad smell, it just smelled weird.

“You are so weird looking,” Sunset whispered. “Weirdly soft and plush, though, so I guess that’s not too bad.”

Squish.

Squash.

“I guess I can call you Stinky?”

A few weeks later, long after Sunset had adopted Stinky the platypus, she noticed a few things. One thing was that her new pet was really stupid, as in she could poke it in the eye and it probably wouldn’t notice, or care, about how she poked it in the eye. The second thing… no brain. No brain, just a loaf of fluff full of love. Because whenever Sunset got home, Stinky would waddle up to her, nuzzle her leg, and then hug said leg for a solid minute. In fact at every opportunity, Stinky tried to cuddle up with Sunset.

Granted, this was fully welcomed, it was the first time that Sunset’s felt genuine affection coming from anything at all in a long time. Stinky was doing so much to soften the banished unicorn’s heart that she more or less gave up on trying to win the Fall Formal. She stopped her campaign almost entirely, which definitely shocked most of the school. Right now, because Stinky was adamant about it, she was taking her pet platypus on a walk.

“You are probably the best financial decision I’ve ever made,” Sunset hummed. “You’re kinda cute too, which certainly helps.” She said while looking the fluff loaf in the eyes.

Squish.

Squash.

“I could feel the bold and italics in that last eye blinking; you think I’m the best thing to happen to you, don’t you?” Stinky nodded… Was her pet actually intelligent? Sunset grabbed her purse, her phone, and some money in case she wanted to treat herself, or Stinky, mostly Stinky. She would be shocked if that were the case. She stuck a collar around the platypus and tied a collar to it. A moment after stepping outside, she dropped the collar on accident after dropping her phone, and she jumped to grab it…

Only for Stinky to grab the collar and start walking beside her. The stupid thing looked up at her with expectant eyes; take it, the look said. Sunset took it and they kept on her way. There… is no way that Stinky is intelligent, right?”

“Hey!” Somebody just snagged her bag! That had her money in it!

Stinky slipped out of the collar and tackled the guy very handily. “Get off me!” The mugger shouted, he pulled a knife… only for Stinky to grab the hand with his beak, and slowly used his suddenly dexterous paws to bend the fingers until there was a noticeable snap. Sunset flinched, as Stinky slowly sat up, after sufficiently disfiguring her assailant, grabbed her bag, and looked back at her.

Squish.

Squash.

Stinky waddled back over to her and jerked his head. Sunset got the message, before going on like nothing happened. Not without calling the police to make sure that the mugger at least got some medical attention. She didn’t stick around, obviously, but at least her mugger would get his hand fixed.

“Okay, what the fuck, Stinky?” The platypus looked up at his owner shortly after she found a park bench to sit on. She tapped him. “What did you just-” Stinky tipped over and started trying to walk with his legs in the air, with his back on the ground. His teeth clattered a little while he tried to figure out what the actual fuck Sunset did to him, when all she did was poke him. She stared blankly before giggling.

“Okay, that’s cute.” Sunset started rubbing Stinky’s belly and he stopped trying to walk.

“Sunset? Is that you?” Oh dear, it’s her ex-boyfriend, Flash Sentry. “Why… are you petting a platypus?”

“I bought it a few weeks ago.”

“...You, and a pet? Doesn’t that require you…”

“Not being a bitch? Yes, yes it would. Stinky has been helping me turn myself around.”

Clatter.

“I can tell. You never looked at me like you look at that platypus.”

“That is because Stinky, my platypus, is cute. You were an idiot.”

“Hey!”

“It’s true.”

“...Yeah… Why’d you buy that thing anyways?”

“It just looks stupid.”

Clatter.

“You just offended him!” Sunset sighed. “He’s special, not stupid.”

“So, he’s stupid.” Flash quickly stopped as he stared at Stinky’s dull, almost soulless eyes as it stared up at him. It blinks its eyes, one at a time, very, very slowly.

Squish.

Squash.

Squish.

In Stinky’s language this meant. “Well fuck you too, douche.” Whoops, I meant to translate that to. “Well screw you too, douche.” It turns out that Stinky the Platypus has some very naughty words floating around in his head… nevermind. It’s empty again. Now it’s just full of love as his eyes fell on Sunset Shimmer.

“D’aw, that’s the first time you looked at anything with genuine affection for it,” Flash noted. Sunset had quickly started ignoring him, since now she was just having a staring contest with her platypus… that slowly started sliding off of her lap… and fell head first on the sidewalk below. Seemingly unbothered by this, Stinky rolled onto his stomach to resume the love-filled staring contest that the two of them were partaking in. However, Sunset quickly jumped to action and started looking over her pet until she was certain nothing was wrong, besides a few missing brain cells that were never there to begin with, Stinky was fine.

Stinky stared at the door, Sunset Shimmer, or as he had come to know her ‘nice lady that he likes’ had left for school rather early in the morning. All he knows is she is gone, and she left food out for him. There was not much that went in the platypus’s mind, but he does know that he likes the nice lady that he likes. She said she owned him, so Stinky could assume that he was a slave of some sort, but didn’t question what that implied. After contemplating what he should do now.

He could take a nap, but he did that all the time.

Stinky walked over to the fridge… There's cheese in the fridge. Stinky likes cheese a lot. He tilted his head… Sunset has hands. Hands are great. Chin scratches, belly rubs, they open doors, and most importantly, open fridge doors so that he can get access to the cheese. Stinky smacked the fridge a few times, before grabbing a nearby, tiny plastic trash can that happened to be empty.

And started smashing the fridge door with it until it opened. Surely this can… Snap.

The trash can broke. Whoops. Sunset won’t be happy about that. The trash can was promptly tossed out the window that was still open, where it promptly fell on some guy, a dog catcher named Tirek. There was a very audible crack, and he was promptly put on a news headline the next week. Stinky lifted his stupid little foreleg, and then pulled the fridge open. Wow, that is a lot easier when you remember you’re a cartoon platypus and can have opposable thumbs on a dime.

Stinky went and ate all the cheese, before rolling over to the open window, landing on Tirek the Dog Catcher, who isn’t dead, just not alive, and he started sniffing the ground. Surely this will lead him to Sunset Shimmer; she must know about the now sudden lack of cheese. The platypus stumbled up to a highschool, Canterlot High, and he peeked through one of the windows, and there, there was Sunset. She was sitting in class taking notes…

Maybe bothering the food giver isn’t a good idea. So Stinky went to a local Walmart…

And left with fourteen tons of american cheese. No, nobody stopped him, what could they do? Tell Stinky no? When he has the most blank, stupid looking expression on his face?

Yes. But did they want to? No.

Meanwhile, with Equestrian Stinky

I woke up and stretched my legs. Cozy Glow was crammed under my chest, having snuggled up under there after I had rescued her and promptly embarrassed her in front of all her friends. As it turns out, my daughter actually had a crush on a foal in her class, one of the foals she introduced me to. I couldn’t remember what that foal looked like, and frankly I don’t care. I just care if that foal ends up breaking my daughter’s heart in the future… I will be sad. And angry. Don’t make me angry. Today, I was supposed to let the Doctor and my sister finally spend the day with Cozy, so I got up to go obtain breakfast for her.

Then I came nose to nose with Harmonic Breeze and her daughter, Soft. You know what? Fuck it. Oops, swear, that’s a bit in the swear jar. Me and my daughter are going to spend the day with my maid and her daughter.

“Good morning, Stinky. I see that you’ve been busy. Namely Princess Luna finally taking you on a date.”

“She did, and then she never did again… It’s only been about a week since we’ve dated, though. I kissed her on the mouth before I left. So…” I shrugged. “Anyways, you’re officially off duty today, I want to spend the day with you.” I gestured to my daughter who was starting to wake up. Upon noticing this, I crawled on the bed, and laid on top of her again, her head poked out between my forelegs. “It’s been a while since me and Soft had fun together, and I think my daughter might enjoy playing with another filly.”

Cozy groggily blinked, and nuzzled me, and crawled out from under me to receive her morning grooming. She started purring, while Ms. Breeze squealed for some reason. Why is she squealing? I’m cleaning my daughter, why is that cute? Well, Cozy is cute, but I’m a little troglodyte. Cozy rolled on her back and her hindlegs started kicking a little as I cleaned her belly. She hummed, groaned, and then rolled back over and started nuzzling me with her cheek while she fully woke up.

“Actually, Ms. Breeze, go take my daughter and let her play with yours. I’m going to go… take care of some unfinished business.” I walked up to the nearby window, smashed it open with my face, before walking over and swiping Soft anyways, and flying out the window with her. I have no clue what I’m doing, but I think I changed my mind at some point and ended up thinking it was time to play with Soft. We landed in the gardens and we spent the next few hours playing together while my maid had to deal with Cozy for the rest of the day.

Meanwhile

Stinky the Platypus had successfully duped his owner. He had successfully managed to hide the fact that he threw a trash can out the window and might, or might not have caused a dog catcher named Tirek to be hospitalized. No, Tirek did not die, his heart rate monitor only stopped working after they unplugged it after it flatlined. Death is not allowed to be mentioned, Stinky the Platypus is too innocent and pure to ever accidentally harm somebody. That’s what Sunset Shimmer thinks at least, since she’s on her knees, staring at her beloved pet.

As he gnawed on her science homework.

This was the sixteenth time this week, if it weren’t for Sunset recording it every time it happened, her teacher wouldn’t have believed her.

“Stinky, please, don’t eat my science homework,” it was the one subject she struggled with too! So if she actually got the right answers, those were lost to time… if only Princess Celestia taught physics; that would’ve been useful in the real world. Stinky blinked, before he let go of the science homework. The banished unicorn, now a weird ape thing with hair only on her head, let out a deep breath she didn’t even know she was holding…

Then Stinky started chewing on her science textbook.

“Why do you hate science so much?” Sunset asked, realizing she’s lucky that she bought her own textbook instead of borrowing a school textbook.

Stinky made his little teeth clatter, blinked one eye at a time slowly, before sitting up, doing a shrug that was way too human like, before falling over and loafing. On the counter, the physical representation of Stinky’s brain appeared to happen:

A slice of bread fell over. How it got out of the bad it was supposed to be in, Sunset doesn’t know… Stinky somehow got on the counter and started eating the slice, before loafing besides the rest of the loaf of bread. Sunset had to note how much Stinky resembled the baked good, before he ended up forgetting how to loaf… and started rolling off the counter. He fell head first, and for but a brief moment…

Looked sentient.

The fell on his beak, and made a teeth clatter and just stayed where he was for the next hour. Eventually, Sunset, his beloved owner, will save him from this predicament, of balancing on his head, while mostly leaning on his beak. His tail acted as a counter weight, keeping the stupid loaf of fluff on his head, before it slowly started making him balance perfectly. Sunset walked past the platypus; she was leaving him on his head as a punishment for eating her textbook, and her homework. And her bread.

She stared at it for a brief moment, noting that the sentience that was there for literally two seconds was long gone. Stinky was crosseyed and somehow looked even more braindead than before.

Squish.

Squash.

“Stinky, you are lucky that you’re cute.” Sunset went into the bathroom.

Stinky suddenly fell on his back, put on a fedora, and waddled out the door. Suddenly sentient, he stumbled out the balcony door, off the balcony, into a small, flying plane. Flying that tiny little plane was a light blue, rectangular platypus.

“Hello Agent P,” Stinky said. “This is my first day on the job. What are we doing?”

“Well, Agent S, we’re going to check in on my favorite doctor… apparently we have to act as emotional support animals because he’s a little sad right now. You can do that, right? Be a support animal?”

“I don’t know if I can, but I just ate my owner’s whole loaf of bread. What did your owners do today?”

The other Platypus smiled. “I think they’re flying to the moon.”

Stinky blinks one eye at a time, momentarily losing sentience. “Did you smoke some catnip? How are two ten year olds going to reach the moon?”

“Don’t ask questions about how my owners do things. You’re in a plane with another platypus, and you’re dreaming. Wake up, you stupid loaf of shi-”

Stinky was left on his head all day, and night, and fell asleep like that. Why was he dreaming of a light blue, really handsome… platypus. He snorted. Everyone knows the moon is made of cheese! Sure, Stinky can’t taste cheese, but he did lick a moon rock at some point and he liked the way the texture felt when he licked the surface. The other platypi in his tank thought he was crazy since he couldn’t taste cheese, but c’mon! Stinky licked a bit of moonrock…

Actually, that may have been dung.

Stinky blinked a few more times, before shrugging and falling asleep.

Stinky clapped his hooves as he sat at a computer in the Canterlot library in the middle of the night. He just wrote the dumbest fanfiction to ever grace the internet... Stinky might've gotten into some catnip, and is being dillusional. No, he's sitting outside the gates to the fanciest party of the year.

Author's Note:

this took an embarassingly long time for me to make considering how short it is. just writing on, and off, and on, and off, letting my ADHD take the wheel whenever I wrote.

don't worry, next chapter, Stinky's going to ruin the Grand Galloping Gala. so that should come out way sooner than... this did. I don't even know what the fuck this is.

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