Various, Lunar Shenanigans
I laid underneath Luna’s wing, having returned her crown, reading a book with her. It’s been a little while since the two of us just laid down in a bed, and laid down together. We were happily reading something that wasn’t Daring Do because it was racist towards changelings. I nuzzled into her shoulder while she struggled to stay awake. It was pretty fun, just a nice, chill day. “So Stinky,” Luna yawned. “It’s been a little over three months since you’ve come to Canterlot, how are you enjoying everything so far?” She nuzzled me.
“It’s been three months already?” There’s only twelve chapters though… Darn. “Well, my Mom and Sister took over my room, and constantly make sure I’m happy.” I tilted my head. “And you and Celestia steal me a lot, for some reason. Especially after it smells like either of you had a long day or night, and ask me to pretend to be a stuffed changeling for a while. Like you wanted me to earlier, and ended up reading to me.” I glared at the Daring Do book on Luna’s bed, that had laid unforgotten. “What is that doing here?”
“...Why do you hate Daring Do so much?”
“It described a poem, on a cave wall written by changelings, as gibberish, worthless patterns,” I snarled. “It’s a poem that means a lot to changelings everywhere. About how one day, we changelings will one day be accepted amongst other races. How we can simply live. And Daring Do says it's a worthless pattern on a wall.” I levitated a piece of paper and wrote a sentence down in changeling, and pulled the Daring Do book open. “Notice a pattern?”
“...Stinky, you’re not being an adorable idiot, and it’s scary,” Luna whispered. “And attractive,” she read over the poem in the wall, and ‘you smell like roses’ in changeling. “There… is actually a pattern, and this actually looks like a language. It even matches the picture shown in the book… How… Do you write in your language? Or learn Equish perfectly if it’s not your second language?”
“Changeling magic; you learn language quickly, either through hearing it for the first time, or kissing somepony who speaks the desired language. The first is not as thorough since I can’t use some words, or know what they mean until somepony says them. Kissing them is very effective, but not used since it can be seen as sexual assault in some cases.” Luna blinked. “I lied, the first thing most changelings learn, before our own language, is Equish.” I threw the Daring Do book in a nearby trash can. “So I hate Daring Do now. Whoever wrote that is racist, given she soon found a bunch of dead changelings and called them ugly.”
“...I think you being adorably stupid is preferable,” Luna said slowly.
“You reek of hormones, Luna,” I said bluntly. “I can go back to being stupid though,” I started chewing on a piece of my nightstand for the sixth time this week. It tasted better than the last one.
Now, my dear readers, you might be wondering what this amazing poem is, but I can’t speak or write in changeling. However, I used Google Translate and-
That was weird, the story fell out of my perspective. Luna had long since fallen asleep, and I ended up having an idea. You see, Luna always takes me, during the day, to use as a comfort changeling. So what if I took her, and used her as a comfort Princess? So, I transformed my legs to make myself taller, and threw Luna onto my back. Her crown, necklace, and shoes were discarded since she was about to go to sleep, so all I had was an alicorn snoozing away on my back, with a sleep mask. I found some googly eyes and glued those on the mask so nobody would think I’m stealing her, and walked out of the Lunar Bedchambers.
After stepping out, three female guards swooned. “Ah, they’re finally a couple!” They cheered.
“Wait, I lost forty bits, dangit! I was betting on his maid becoming his mate!” The one that was not on the left, right, or middle said.
“And I was betting he’d end up with Celestia!” The one not on the right, left, or middle said.
“Pay up,” the one that was not on the left, right, or middle said. The other two ‘awed’ before paying that one that was not on the right, left, or middle their bits. Whatever the buck they were betting on is beyond me.
I walked down the hall, and eventually got bored, so I walked over to a window and gently laid Luna down… Before throwing her at the window to break it, and jumping out after her. Luna is a very heavy sleeper, since she didn’t even wake up from being used as a blunt object. In all fairness, she was completely unharmed. In fact, she hit the ground face first because I couldn’t catch her in time, so I had to sniff her over. No cuts, broken bones, or anything. In fact, she was still breathing. “Celestia… Stop… Eating… My Cheerioats…” She whispered in her sleep. I laid Luna down in the grass before laying on top of her so I could take a nap.
It’s been an hour since I stole Luna, I could tell based on the pocket watch that I may or may not have borrowed from the sidewalk, it was made of twenty four karat gold according to Mom. After some consideration, I decided to stuff Luna into a nearby bush, and come back for her later. For right now, I want to go see what Mom and Skitters are doing. So, that’s what I didn’t do, because I turned the corner and immediately ran into Shining Armor and Cadance. “Stinky!” Food Princess threw her arms around me and spun me in a hug. “It’s been so long since we’ve seen you!”
“...That was two weeks ago. It wasn’t that long ago,” I tilted my head. “Why are you in the gardens?”
“Well… Cady and I were looking for you, and somepony said they saw a changeling jump out of a window an hour and a half ago.” My watch is off by thirty minutes, darnit. “We were actually hoping to get you so we can all go on a picnic, you, Auntie Celestia and Luna, and the Elements of Harmony all in the Royal Gardens. Though nopony knows where the heck Luna is; she’s been missing for the last hour, and she’s not in her bed chambers. In fact, nopony even knows if she’s in Canterlot right now. Which would be odd given that she and Celestia were planning on staying in Canterlot to plan out how to defend it in the next invasion.”
“I don’t know where Luna is,” I tilted my head. “Maybe she’s sleeping in a basement somewhere in the castle? She does like dark things; she’s nocturnal for a reason.”
“You are right, and if worse comes to worse, she’s probably just fell asleep in the bathroom. Nopony wants to go in there, so that they don’t see a Princess naked,” Cadance pointed out.
“Well, if I find Luna before lunch, I’ll let you know.”
It was lunch and Canterlot Castle was up in arms. Luna was missing, apparently, even though I just stuck her in a bush. Everyone thinks a Changeling Queen stole Luna and is planning to replace her, even though most of the Queens present, Mom included. So, Celestia was sitting on her throne, holding court, on one side, my entire family, and the other two Queens. On the other was a bunch of nobles that were shouting slurs at changelings that meant something. I mean, how is ‘mosquito’ an insult?
We changelings like love, not blood, stupid nobles.
Celestia just smelled like she was about to burst out laughing the whole time; she probably knew what was going on. You see… This all started shortly after we couldn’t find Luna. Nopony could find her, even though her flanks were poking out of the bush I stuffed her into. So, there was a whole search, and a murder case.
“Stinky,” my Mom nudged me. “Please go drag Luna out of the bush you left her in. While you were saving her for later, as a cuddle buddy, I would rather not gather the ire of these nobles. Especially when they keep trying to get a look at mine, and your sister’s flanks.” I nodded and walked up to Celestia.
“Oh, Stinky, are you going to give a testi-” I pushed Celestia off of her throne, before picking up and throwing it at a nearby window before following suit. I went down to the bush, where Luna was still snoring away. I picked her up and started dragging her through the gardens, into the castle, up every step, through every hall, before pulling her past a bunch of bewildered guards, and into the throne room. Luna’s sleeping cap had gotten lost somewhere.
“...Where was Luna?” Shining Armor asked slowly.
“I was using her as a pillow in the gardens… After throwing her out of a window. She’s completely fine, watch.” I nipped her neck and she shot up. “Who touched my changeling!” She got to her hooves and lit her horn before looking around… She spun around before her eyes fell upon me. “Stinky, why are we not in my bed chambers?”
“I threw you out of a window,” I tilted my head. “I wanted to be in the gardens so I could take a nap, and wanted to use you as a pillow. It was nice; I got to spend some more time with you,” I nuzzled up under her chin.
“...You foalnapped me?”
“Like when you nap with somepony?” I asked? “Wait, you aren’t a foal.”
“You… did something that most would’ve failed at doing. Without struggling. And you bucking kept me hidden for how long?” Luna asked,
“Two whole days,” I sat down and tilted my head. “Is something wrong with that?”
“I swear, if you were not so bucking adorable, I would throw you in a dungeon for that.” I licked Luna on the nose. “And because you do that,” she shook her head with a smile.
A couple of days later, I was sitting with Luna, across from her. In between us was a chess board, and across from me was a very angry Luna. You see, I had beaten her at least sixteen or seventeen times. And she was about to lose our eighteenth round of chess. “What the buck even is your strategy?!” She flipped the table and threw the chess board out the window. Judging from the distant, metal ‘clank’, it probably just knocked a guard out. “I don’t know how, I don’t know why, your strategy makes no sense! It’s like there’s nothing going on inside your brain!”
“That is accurate, Luna,” I sipped on a cup of hot chocolate that Mom brewed for me… It was really good. “I only know what each piece does, and I go to counter what you do… I think. I just move pieces and they do what they wanna do.” I looked down at the table. “Want to do checkers again?” I tilted my head.
“No! Buck no! You beat me eighty seven times!” Luna was using her Canterlot Royal Voice. “How?! You beat me in every single, bucking board game, and somehow beat me at chess without struggling! Do you even-”
“...Luna, you’re starting to scare me,” I was going to hide under the table, but that got thrown through six different walls before it stopped. Luckily nopony got hurt. She threw a checker piece and it decked Blueblood, while he was in prison where his balls were before Mom shoved a flagpole up his butt, that’s still there, up his rear end… By the way, I don’t even think Blueblood’s alive, since he tried hitting on a female guard and he got suplexed. “Can we…”
“Luna, stop yelling at Stinky, it is not his fault that you just suck at chess,” Celestia said, ducking her head through the hole in my bedroom that was created by Luna throwing a table through it.
“Shut up, I beat you most of the time!” Luna shouted.
“Stinky cannot be that good at chess-”
Celestia broke the table in half. I beat her forty seven times in a row, and Mom came by with a camera to take photos. “How!? What the buck are you even doing? You moved the same bucking pawn sixteen six turns in a row and accidentally checkmate me in the next two?!” I got so scared of Celestia that I crawled over to Mom and started hiding behind her while the Royal Pony Sisters worked out some deep seated anger issues. “What’s bucking worse is that I even started reading your mind halfway through this game! There is literally nothing there!”
“You cheated and you still lost!” Luna was rolling around laughing, until a rook got thrown at her and knocked her out.
Meanwhile, Florial took the time to lick my ears to calm the shivering mess that is me. Skitters even stopped by, crawled over to me, and laid her head over mine while Celestia broke a lamp that she shouted at a little too loudly.
A couple of days later, Luna came in, dragged me and Skitters out of our room, while we were having a lovely cuddle session while she taught me how to draw(it wasn’t going well, but my sister looked so happy to be teaching me something, so I went with it). We were dragged throughout the castle while Skitters started pouting at our now ruined brother and sister bonding time, but somehow took the time to groom the inside of my ears while we were being dragged across the castle floors. I, of course, ended up hugging her until we were dropped off in what looked like a fancy meeting room.
The Six Scary Mares, Celestia, Cadance and her wife, Shining Armor, and Celestia were sitting around the table. Me and my sister took the same seat, and Cadance couldn’t help but squeal when my sister laid her head on top of mine and wrapped her arms around me. Actually, everyone did, except Rainbow Dash the Psycho, since the other Queens and Mom were there. “I did not think seeing a changeling hugging her little brother would be so cute!” Rarity clapped her hooves. “Oh, I should make you two matching outfits. That would be so precious!”
“Now, Stinky is my older brother,” Skitters corrected.
“But I am little, and I am your brother. And according to Mom, socially stumped and mentally stumped because of Chrysalis’s Hive…” I wanna be a little brother, that sounds nice. “So I am a little brother.” My brain is on fire from working that out. Skitters didn’t disagree and proceeded to nuzzle the back of my head.
Luna cleared her throat. “Stinky, why are you pretending to be dumb? You’ve shown to have small glimpses of intelligence, and then you walk around, while acting like an idiot.” I tilted my head.
“But Celestia said my brain was empty.”
“Hey, we aren’t here today to discuss my brother’s intelligence; I know he’s smart sometimes, he just isn’t most of the time. The reason behind it… Why the buck is there a Monopony board?”
“Auntie Celestia and Luna wanted to try and beat Stinky at a game left up to random chance after he destroyed both of them in chess in eight moves every round,” Cadance giggled. “I could hear Celestia swearing from my room!”
“I thought Celestia was pure!” Twilight giggled. “I heard her all the way in Ponyville.”
“Luna hit Doctor Whooves’ weird, purple box, and blew it up, with a pawn!” Rainbow laughed. “How badly did he kick your butts in that egghead game?”
“I moved a pawn seven times and checkmated Luna with two turns afterwards,” I tilted my head. “Is that good?”
“...How the buck did you do that? You can’t possibly-” Twilight was interrupted by a chess board popping into existence. We played a game and it ended in four turns after I got checkmated… “See? It’s not that hard to beat him!”
“Okay Luna, remind me to make it illegal for Stinky to play chess later, or I will have a stroke, now…” I didn’t know any of the rules of Monopony, because I zoned out; Skitters really liked grooming me and I really liked the feeling, so he just nodded dumbly and rolled the dice every now and then. Eventually I just ended up landing on something called income tax and was told I was allowed to go bankrupt… Whatever that meant. I ended up being the first one out because of that.
“Give me Stinky!” Luna shouted.
“No, he’s my brother!” Skitters shouted back.
“And he’s my bucking consort!”
I was sitting in between them, being tugged on both with a small smile on my face. Everything is fine, nothing is wrong. Luna wanted to take me to bed and cuddle with me, but Skitters was about to use me as a pillow while she took a nap. So I was just in the crossfire, and soon I soon got ignored while my Sibling and Owner started really pushing the mostly family friendly tone of the story with insults such as ‘buckface’ and ‘bucker’. I just looked at one, then the other, and then at Mom who was sitting off to the side and sipping on some tea. “You poor, poor child,” she giggled. “It seems as though-” Celestia teleported in with a ‘pop’ and made the fighting pair of mares stop.
“Sister, is something wrong?” Luna asked. Before long, the three of them were fighting over who got custody of me today.
So Cadance walked in, being ignored by the shouting match between the mares, and she plucked me off the ground, and dragged me out the door. The Princess of Food and Shining Armor proceeded to take me to the park and we played with a frisbee for the rest of the day. And had a picnic. And hugging me. Shiny even noogied me.
So he didn’t get that hoof back, it was mine now, I happily held onto it in my jaws while Cadance and Shining Armor laughed.
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Funny, for some reason I was more expecting this:
I can just picture the static sound that old Tv's had going off in his head constantly...
Stinky is crazy. But he is adorable and loyal and very good protector of children.
No thoughts.
Only bug.
This is one of the most funniest chapters I've ever read
Stinky’s board game prowess reminds me of Fluffle Puff in EG part 3.
I thought everypony gathered was going to be a quick wedding. Guess not this time.
If that guy ever gets to making a romantic move on the girls he going to make her very happy.
This is clearly what is going through Stinky's mind.