• Published 28th Aug 2023
  • 4,100 Views, 190 Comments

Well, That Stinks. - Nugget27

a changeling abandons the Hive shortly before the invasion. He ends up getting cuddly with two pony princesses.

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I Almost Got Assaulted in Court

After breakfast, Princess Luna had gone to bed, as she’s nocturnal and her sleep schedule got bucked up in order to help me get settled in. Princess Celestia was able to clear her schedule so she could ‘steal her sister’s changeling’, and Cadance and her fiance were left with the two of us as well. I just sat at the now empty dinner table-how is it a dinner table if we were just eating breakfast?- waiting around. You see, I was asked what I wanted to spend the day doing, but then it turns out that uh… I have no idea what I want to do. I’m not exactly used to having free time, so I just started chewing on a rock at some point, and nopony stopped me.

Then a yellow hue took my rock away from me. “I thought you were told to not chew on that rock; it’s not good for your teeth,” Celestia hummed. “Why did you think that chewing on a rock was a good idea?”

“I dunno, everyling likes to chew on rocks in whatever free time that we get. Apparently it sharpens our fangs… I didn’t really care; I just liked the taste of sandstone.” Those, the rock chewing ones, changelings also were promptly put down a few weeks later; dental issues.

“We could help you with daycourt, Auntie, since that’s the only thing on your schedule you didn’t want to clear off,” Cadance nudged me, because she had opted to sit right next to me. “Perhaps with Stinky, we can get some input on a case we wouldn’t have thought of. Not only is he not a pony, but he has probably had to deal with taxes at some point.”

“...What are taxes?” I asked. “When I was living in Ponyville, nopony knew where I lived, so I never got cool things like taxes… Is it like the equivalent of a changeling finding love, but the Queen demands to take almost all of it for simply being the Queen?”

“...Yeah, something like that. Except we take a small portion of money from everypony for various reasons, and that money goes into roads, schools, anything that helps the country keep running,” Princess Celestia said with a nod. “Wait, isn’t love basically food for you changelings?” I nodded. “What in my name…” She shook her head. “Thank goodness you aren’t living in the Hive anymore; if I were to start taking everypony’s food one day, and make it a law that I get most of the food, then I would be facing several revolutions.”

“Well…” Cadance swatted the back of my head with a rolled up newspaper… Ow.

“Please don’t talk about your home life. It’s incredibly depressing,” fair enough. Though Cadance doesn’t exactly look like she’s being made smaller.

I was sitting right next to Celestia, under her wing, waiting for the first pony to complain about something. I was undisguised, sipping on the weird, brown stuff Luna was drinking earlier. It was very sweet, and almost like love. It also tasted bad, so there’s that. When the first partitioner came in, a yellow, pegasus mare, first they bowed to Princess Celestia and shot me the same glare the Queen would give me whenever I asked her a question about lunch. “Princess, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but between you and Princess Cadance, is a changeling, and that changeling is using you as a pillow.”

“Hey now, Princess Celestia is very warm, very comfortable. She’s also remarkably soft. I’m here because the Princesses found me in the castle, half dead, half not dead, with half of a spear stuck in my neck. They were nice enough to start nursing me back to health after I agreed to share every bit of information on my Queen, who decided it would be a good idea to try and blow up Canterlot. Then I get to live under the Princesses’ servitude until I die, for my crimes against Equestria, so that I don’t get sent to Tartarus. Right now, I’m on a lunch break, so I get to cuddle with your gracious ruler!” I nuzzled the Princess, which made her flinch slightly.

The mare blinked a couple of times. “…Slavery is a punishment in Equestria?” She asked. Princess Celestia slowly shook her head.

I got hit with another newspaper.

“Hey now, we’re here for your problems, not mine,” I said with a cheerful little smile. “So how can we help you? A tray of donuts? Some coffee?” I pulled out a bag of coffee beans that I may or may not have stolen out of the sitting room before this.

“I…” The mare looked downright confused. “So my father recently passed away, and my step sister took all of his inheritance, including my share!” She growled. “And that dumb, stupid bi-“

“Watch your language,” I intervened. “It’s rude-“

“Shut up you stupid bug! You aren’t in charge here!” Ow, my feelings. Anyways, the mare went on and on, while fully bucking lying, about how her dad was dead and how her fake sister stole her share of the inheritance. Meanwhile, I asked Shining Armor to get me a file on our lovely guest. I started scanning through documents about her while Celestia, who tasted a little mad, nodded, occasionally hummed, and gave ‘all of her attention’ with a serene little smile on her face. “And that, your highness, is why I am here,” The mare started sighing and breathing heavily after her little tirade.

“That, miss Tall Tale…” Celestia ‘eeped’ when I nipped her. “Yes, Stinky?” There was a slight taste of annoyance.

“Princess Celestia, we changelings are good at many things, sensing another’s emotions, being meat shields, mindlessly working on stuff or else we’ll get executed, having our heads bitten off by our queen for no reason. Aside from all of that, we changelings are also really good at,” I wiggled my ears. “Hearing heartbeats,” I pointed at the pegasus. “Her heart rate was going up, like a liar’s heart does when they lie; something the Queen actually taught all six thousand of us drones. On top of that, I can tell she’s not angry at all…” I hummed. “I smell a bit of smugness, quickly fleeting smugness, in the air.” I pulled up the documents I’ve been given. “Her dad’s alive by the way, and she’s an only child.” I put the documents down.

“I see,” Princess Celestis turned her attention to Tall Tale, who was feeling a mix of anger and fear. “Well, Ms. Tale, would you care to explain why you-“ I stopped paying attention when I caught something shiny in my eyes. I hopped down from my spot next to Celestia and started sniffing at the floor until I came nose to nose with a silver coin on the ground. I don’t know how this coin got here, but if nopony wanted it, because it was on the ground, I’ll take it! There was even a nice hole in the middle for me.

I picked up the coin in my magic and happily went trotting back up-

“You’re dead, changeling!” The next thing I knew, I was being tackled to the ground. “You ruined this for me! I had been planning that for months! Months! I could’ve been a wealthy mare, but no! You just had to steal my fortune away from me!” She got ready to punch me in the face. “Say your last words…” What is it with all the pretty mares being damn near psychotic? I mean, Luna is pretty, and she’s a bit weird, this mare’s really pretty; just psychotic and probably narcissistic.

“Hey,” I said very quietly. “Have you ever heard of the Beatle Project?” The mare blinked a couple of times, withdrawing her hoof slightly. “Once upon a time, a changeling named Beetle woke up, then he went to go free, to live free as a changeling,” I hummed. “He got hit by a train because he didn’t look both ways before crossing the tracks. He didn’t die from getting hit by a train, no, the Queen found him and laughed like a maniac while she skinned him alive and had me watch,” I flashed a huge smile… That was traumatic. “So that’s what happened to my cousin forty two months, four days, and twenty hours ago, by the way.” Nobuggy ever found the body. Mostly because my cousin was also burnt to a crisp right after, but the Queen told me I’m not allowed to tell anybody about that.

“What the buck does that have to do with me beating the buck out of you?!” Wow, nopony is coming to my aid.

“Simple,” I used my Back Lefty to sweep the mares’ hind legs out from under her, before promptly rolling out from under the pegasus while she tumbled to the ground with a grunt and a scream that would make my mother seem sane and loving. I quickly found my silver coin, before taking my spot next to Celestia. Tell Tale was promptly dragged off to the dungeons. I didn’t care though, I had my shiny thing, and I like it.

“…How the buck did you get a hold of a bit from two hundred years ago?” Princess Celestia asked, holding my treasure up. I had long since found a string, stuck it through the hole in the bit, and turned it into a necklace. “Today, this would be worth a very small fortune; enough to buy a house and take a month or two off of work. So roughly a thousand bits,” She let go of my necklace, letting the bit dangle just below my neck.

“Found it on the ground,” I shrugged.

“Hey Stinky,” Shining Armor spoke up. “How are you not scared or shaking at all? You were about to get pummeled until you got killed!”

“I dunno. Why did everypony just sit back and let me almost get beat until I couldn’t breathe anymore?” I chuckled when everypony had the decency to look away. “Well, getting pummeled to death would’ve been a mercy in the Hive. Sometimes the Queen would use a device, something called a taser, and shock a random changeling with it while eating popcorn. I was one of those changelings, once upon a time. Plus, when you’ve spent a whole year preparing for an invasion you didn’t want to partake in, you learn how to fight somewhat reasonably well.”

“…I shouldn’t have asked why you weren’t scared. How did that monster get a taser? That’s experimental guard equipment!”

“I dunno. She loved it more than she loved any of us though,” she literally tucked that thing in after tasing me. I love you, Mom.

“Are we just going to gloss over our friend’s absurd luck? I have not seen a silver bit in ages!” Celestia threw her forelegs in the air.

I shrugged. “I have no idea how money works, your highness. I know how to occasionally use it to obtain something, but I have zero ability to recognize how much value a bit has. We changelings simply got by off of taking care of each other, and puking up love to keep a fellow changeling alive. No economy, no greed, no problems. Well, except the Queen, but she’s a bit of an ass.”

“Now now, there are some rather nice donkeys,” Celestia interjected. Shining Armor had thrown Cadance over his back and just walked away after I started talking again. They were whispering stuff like ‘find a way to snuggle that bug’ for some reason.

“So I don’t really care all that much if I found something rare and valuable, it looks nice, and I never really had anything that I could call mine. So even if I could get a house somewhere with this one bit, I’d rather have a cool necklace and a hole in the ground.” Back Lefty started scratching at an inch under my jaw. I used changeling magic to turn it into a dog leg. “I really wasn’t a fan of how most of those ponies were feeling about me during the trial. Are you sure you shouldn't just snap my neck and send me down the river? Ponies are going to think you and your sister are being mind controlled, and a lot of not very good things are going to happen.”

Celestia shook her head. “No, I am not going to kill somepony, and especially not you. From what you are saying, I can tell you’ve never had a chance to properly live, and when you did, you were a citizen. Not an outstanding citizen, nor the worst, but you were perfectly happy to work in a cafe for the rest of your life. While you were sleeping, I had Luna send an interviewer to ask your coworkers, and anypony who knew you while you were in disguise. You weren’t the most friendly, nor were you ever exactly mean. Your boss said you were the most efficient employee he’s ever had even if your hoof writing, and your magic writing for that matter, is terrible,” she pulled out a piece of paper with a list of questions along with various answers and names. “I believe you deserve a fair chance, and so far, you’ve been respectful of me and Luna.” Celestia got closer to my ears.

“Though it would be nice if you were to relax a little; you are a friend, now a subject, but still a friend.” She hummed. “I know Luna would definitely enjoy it. She watches your flanks when you walk; she’s doing it right now.” I blinked a couple of times, before slowly turning around. Low and behold, Luna was walking up to us at a rather sedate pass, her eyes watching my hips as we walked at a much faster pace than her. In fact, once she noticed I was watching her, she stopped, turned to walk to a window, and started staring at it. Every time I looked away and looked back for a moment, Luna was going right back to staring at my butt. “...Shouldn’t she be asleep right now? It’s not even four in the afternoon,” I whispered back.

Celestia giggled like a filly. “She usually wakes up a little before she has to raise the moon. I do the same, but for the Sun, and yes, this is rather early for her. We both have been living for a very long time, as in we are both older than the current calendar system,” that is very old. The Queen is only five hundred years old. “We’ve picked up many love interests during our time, and I believe Luna has put her sights on you, for whatever reason. Do you know why?” I shook my head. “Well, if you do start dating my little sister, know that, while I am a Princess, I am a sister to Luna, first and foremost. I will tease you, I will happily put up with you, but you best not break her heart. I once had a changeling for a lover, hence why I am not attacking you at every turn.”

“...You had a changeling as a coltfriend?”

“I did, he was quite the handsome fellow… or at least his disguise was. When I found out what he was, which was while I was grooming him, I believe he was blissfully enjoying himself and dropped his disguise because of it. It’s a shame; the moment I found out, I yelled for my guards. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anypony look hurt in my life, before or after that moment, but I knew I was heartbroken when I found out what he was, as I knew of changelings long before I started dating that particular drone. I never got the chance to ask him of his motives, as he ran as soon as I started calling for my guards. When I finally tracked him down… Let’s just say there’s magical barriers around Canterlot’s edges for a reason. Luna was not particularly happy to find out I was dating a changeling, as we have gone to war with a Hive before, that Hive was rather brutal in their tactics.”

Oh boy, the Princess has done bucked up.

“...That drone loved you, you know. We changelings can interbreed with ponies, so perhaps that drone just wanted a mate, or was seeking love to feed himself. Believe it or not, but we drones can love, and learn to love. We just cannot feed off of another changeling no matter how hard we try. He was probably fully relaxed, your highness, he felt safe enough in your presence to drop his disguise in front of you. I know I wouldn’t drop my disguise for anypony so easily.” Celestia simply sighed, a single tear had rolled down her cheek as I talked. “Depending on how long you two were dating, you probably gave that changeling the best time of his life. Free food, and a caring, loving mate that he’d kill somebuggy for? That sounds like something out of a fairytale for us changelings.”

Celestia’s voice cracked very, very slightly. “Those years I spent with that changeling, while he was disguised, were probably the few years of my life that still stick out. He always knew what to say to sweep me off my hooves,” she sighed. “Leave that in the long line of buck ups I have to my name,” she whispered. I nuzzled her. “Yes, Stinky?” My name is Beatle, you horse!

“I dunno, I forgot. But usually, we changelings try to not remember what happened yesterday, or the day before that, or even the year before now. Usually it just makes us feel bad when we do.” Oh yeah, I was gonna tell her an old, changeling proverb. I forgot it as soon as I remembered it; literature was kinda illegal in the Hive. “So… While you did mess up, quite substantially, just move on. Tomorrow will be… brighter? Darker? I dunno, but don’t be like the griffins, who stagnated, and are all angry at each other. You’re better than that, your highness.” Princess Celestia nuzzled me.

“...That doesn’t exactly make me feel better about what happened, but in a way, it does help. Thank you, Stinky.”

The sound of a hoof cracking a floor tile broke my eardrums. “Hey! That’s my bucking changeling, you horse!”

Celestia had covered my ears with her hooves during that little shout. “Luna, don’t shout slurs in the castle, this story is for children.” What? A bunch of colts and fillies, being led by a cherry-colored mare, stood there with their jaws hanging. “...Why did a school have to have a field trip to the castle now of all times?” The Princess whispered. “Come on Luna, I am going to make you take a cold bath… with a soap bar!” Before I could say anything, Princess Luna ran by, swiped me, and started running as soon as I landed on her back. Princess Celestia galloped after us with a bar of soap.

One of the fillies, a very squeaky one, probably a unicorn, shouted what ‘horse’ meant.