I Found a Filly. She's Mine Now. If Anyone Says Otherwise, I Will Lick Their Eye.
It was a cool, autumn day. It’s been about two weeks since I came home from my very short trip around Equus. Apparently Celestia has to meet up with… a president or something from Gryphus, since Gryphonia was taken over at some point and had a revolutionary battle. I had no idea what that meant, nor did I actually care. I was sitting on a cushion, with my Mom, crammed up against her side. Ever since I got brought home by Skitters, she didn’t let me leave her sight unless she knew I wouldn’t be going anywhere that could get me hurt.
Shining Armor got kicked and beaten up after Mom found out that he stuffed me in a suitcase on accident.
While we sat, Mom hummed to herself as she was knitting a sweater for me, for something called Hearth’s Warming that was coming up in a few months. Whatever that was. I didn’t particularly care for sweaters; changelings are terrible with cold weather so we never go out in it anyways. Meanwhile, Skitters has been seeing some weird, brown earth pony that always met her while standing outside of a blue, ‘police in box’ box thing. Whatever they did, I don’t know, but whenever I approached my sister’s room, it reeked of pony mating stuff.
What I did know was that this… Doctor was treating Skitters well, since she was sitting in front of us, with big round eyes while presenting her coltfriend to us.
“So, you are the stallion that’s been seeing my daughter?” Florial asked.
“Of course, your highness. I… It has been so long since I’ve taken up dating again. So to find a creature as magnificent as your daughter, is wondrous. Would you believe she finds me handsome? It has truly been a remarkable experience if you ask me.”
“I can tell; I can smell my daughter’s hormones; she wants you to be her mate.”
“I already did mate with him, Mom. Just… no eggs; we’re not at that stage yet.”
“How do you mate and not get eggs?” I asked. “Isn’t that… the point of mating?”
“Sometimes, it just relieves stress,” Skitters admits. “A lot of the time, it’s for fun.”
“That’s weird.”
“You were also socially and mentally stumped by Queen Chrysalis, dear. You probably don’t-”
“Mom, I can hear Celestia moan whenever you go to visit her at night. Something about taking her, whatever that means. I do know that you end up coming into my room the next day reeking of sex, for whatever reason… How do two mares even do that… stuff?”
“...Don’t worry about it Stinky, I will tell you when you are older.”
“But Skitters has had sex and I’m older than her, apparently.”
“...You three are rather casual about this stuff,” The Doctor pointed out. He didn’t even look shocked, nor did he care, according to his smell. I did catch him mumbling about universes for a moment, but I didn’t know what that meant, so I ignored it.
“Why is he here, anyways?” I asked.
“You wanted to meet him, so I’m making you spend the day with him…”
“While I tease your sister about what she likes about her stallion.”
“Okay,” I nodded, before getting up and nosing the Doctor. “What are we going to do today?”
“So, is there anything in particular that you like doing, Mr… Stinky? That’s actually your name?” The Doctor asked.
“Yeah, that’s my name,” I nodded dumbly. “Why is that so shocking? Somebody looked at their child, saw they were permanently cross-eyed, and chose to name her Derpy Hooves. Celestia is weirdly named after the Sun-”
“She actually changed her name from Sunny Skies if I recall correctly. I did help aid her in her ascension and whatnot.”
“...But you aren’t immortal.”
“But I am the Doctor!”
I sneezed, I might be getting a little sick. “Do you have any random chemicals you can shove down my throat? Because somebody up above demands it, I am getting sick.”
“What the… Oh, the Nugget. That would explain why I am not being written into something cooler. But… Why do you need random, various chemicals?”
“My Mom used to make me, and everybuggy in the Hive for that matter, drink random things until either we die from the random thing, or we somehow don’t die and get better. Once I watched my cousin Billy drink something called butane, and then the Queen forced him to swallow a burning match… He exploded all over the place and covered me in chunks of his body. It was… traumatic.”
“What the buck… Queen Florial never struck me as that kind of evil. I would know, since I was there when she was crowned.” The Doctor hummed. “Though her being evil still wouldn’t make sense if Skitters is a normal, incredibly nice lady.”
“I’m talking about my other Mom, the adopted one. Queen Chrysalis loved doing ‘random experiments’ on changelings whenever they got sick. She made me drink dish soap, laundry detergent, something called gasoline, a bit of Billy-”
“What!?” The Doctor shouted. “What the… shoot, I can’t curse.”
“Of course you can. Watch…
“WHAT THE FU—-buck. Huh.”
Last chapter had too many swears in it. Be fucking family friendly, you stupid bug.
“Rude.”
“You know, I have seen many things. I’ve seen the ruins of wasted years, I’ve watched stars collide… and yet I don’t think I’ve ever seen somebody break their own writing to make the most overused ‘family friendly’ joke ever used. Then again, I have been forcibly written into love stories with Princess Luna, or this… Derpy Hooves that was mentioned, but…”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I asked.
“Don’t worry about it… What the buck is wrong with Queen Chrysalis? She was such a dear when I first met her eight hundred years ago.”
“Huh?” She was nice, once upon a time?
“Oh yes, she was a lovely dear. An absolute sucker for cuddling in front of the fireplace with a cup of hot cocoa. Oh, how the years must’ve taken a toll on her.”
“So why did she become evil?” I asked. “If Her Majesty was a decent bug, why did she start skinning changelings?”
“I can’t answer that, unfortunately. However, when it comes time to punish her for what she’s done, I would like a word with her first. Alright?”
“I can’t make that call,” I said bluntly.
“You’re Luna’s consort; you can easily make that call.” I could? I titled my head before turning to take a bite out of a window that I stole from Celestia’s room. It was a rendition of what happened to King Sombra before he died to death. The Doctor cocked an eyebrow before shrugging and rolling along with what the weird changeling before him was doing.
A couple days had passed since The Doctor and I hung out. For some bizarre reason, the Doctor chose to actively avoid me after I told him of the various, fun activities Queen Chrysalis does to us changelings when she gets bored. I don’t know why, because it made him look a little traumatized, and he smelled a little traumatized. He’s still dating Skitters, which is both good and bad. Good because my sister is going to be a very happy mare. It’s bad because now I can’t spend nearly as much time with either of them.
With Skitter dating the Doctor, and Mom dating Princess Celestia, I really couldn’t spend all the time in the world with either of them and it made me sad. So I just sat in my room for a while, feeling bored, until I remembered something rather important. I had a Luna, who while she is nocturnal, could be somepony I spend time with. Ms. Breeze and Soft were out and about, doing whatever because it was my maid’s day off. I got halfway through pondering whether I should go find Luna, until I walked over to my window…
Then I broke the wall next to it with my face, and broke the other window in my room before crawling out of it.
That was a mistake, since I didn’t open my wings, and I fell right into a wall of hedges… Ow. I shook myself off, noted that my butt hurts a lot, because that’s what I landed on. I slowly raised my eyes up off the ground, before finding a blue box. It had the words ‘police public call box’ or something like that. Isn’t this the Doctor’s home or something? He and Skitter borrowed a room in the castle for some reason… I don’t know why.
Skitter and Doctor Whooves were getting ready for a day-long cuddling and reading session. An actual cuddle session, not sex. Get your head out of the gutter, dear reader.
I walked up to the box, started sniffing and licking it constantly, before nodding. I opened the door and was greeted with a really big room. It was really metallic and disgusting. There were lights in circles, each was about the size of my eyes, and there was a table full of a bunch of buttons, levers, and other stuff. So the first thing I did was hit every single button, flipped every switch, kicked over a trash can because I am a changeling and I’m a little menace, and then the room started shaking and burning…
I think that trash can was important to the structural integrity of the box that was really huge… oh hey, explosions. I hope the Doctor doesn’t mind his home blowing up; he is a hobo after all, I doubt he can even call this a house. It looks sad, miserable, and a thing that you’d steal after genociding your own race. Well, I might as well take a nap, so I went and pressed another button on the table and a bed popped out. I crawled myself under the bed and settled down.
The sound of the machine jerking to and fro, along with the explosions made it really hard to sleep.
So, imagine you are a pink little filly with auburn eyes and a curly, pale blue mane. Can you imagine it? Cool. Now, imagine that you just tried burning the very fundamentals of Equestria to the ground because you got shipped off to a school you didn’t want to go to, and because you’re a little petty, figured burning down your country was a good idea. Your parents are assholes that don’t even ask before shipping you off, and they barely paid attention to you. Now, after nearly burning down the country, at your young age, you figure you could maybe be ‘reformed’ like the other great villains of Equestria.
Instead, you go to Tartarus and get placed next to a centaur, the same one you used as a mentor to conduct your plans of being an evil little menace to society that’s cute and lovable. Oh, and there’s a changeling Queen, presumably, Chrysalis, just sitting there and crying as there were five boxes in front of her. As she ate the pizza, you can quickly guess why she was crying; none of the pizza had pineapple. And they had white sauce, something that Chrysalis was allergic to.
Her eyes were pink and her cheeks were puffy. This was all they had been feeding her for years.
Still following along? Good. Say ‘hi Cozy Glow’ because that’s where she is. Chained to the floor of the cage she was now occupying, with her wings tied, she was sitting there, bored. Of all the things they could’ve given her, a second chance, which she would use to burn down Canterlot Castle out of spite, or maybe even a stack of books, they left her coloring books, some crayons, and a couple of used markers.
She wasn’t even given a full color set of crayons.
Now, accompanying the Princesses that stuck you here, was a changeling. It looked stupid enough, but there was a changeling that was constantly nuzzling and snuggling up to the dark blue one, Princess Luna.
Now, Cozy was still a filly, and not above doodling and coloring in a coloring book. Though with only red, blue, and yellow available, along with a dried up black marker made it so doing that at all wasn’t fun. She threw a crayon at Chrysalis, who ended up eating that just to have something that wasn’t a plain, cheese and white sauce pizza with too much garlic on it.
Cozy groaned, before starting a fire with the dried up marker, and throwing it on the pile of coloring books that were already colored in, an insult to injury. “This FUCKING SUCKs- WOAH WHAT THE FUCK?!” A blue box crashed through the ceiling of Tartarus, coming straight down and slamming into Tirek’s cage. The Centaur only had a moment to react before the box accidentally crushed him and might’ve landed entirely on Tirek’s head… No readers, he did not die or get killed, he was just rendered unable to breathe, eat, have a brain, or a skull. No, he didn’t die, reader. No, he is not dead. This story is family friendly and people don’t die… just ignore the king that Stinky killed by accident.
The box fell over with a ‘thunk’ crushing whatever was left of Tirek. The door kicked open, and a changeling, the same one that was just with Princess Luna on the way out of Tartarus. He looked around for a moment, blinked another time and sniffed the air. “Why does it smell like dead Centaur?” He asked, before looking down and staring at the blown up cage, somehow missing the entirety of a totally not dead Tirek. He shrugged before his eyes landed on Cozy Glow, who was now just shivering in fear.
“Oh, hey Mom! What the buck are you doing here?”
“...Beatle? Why are you here? Didn’t you just leave with Luna?”
“No, I just crashed through a piece of land that looked suspiciously like a moose head.” The changeling hopped off of the blue box, that was now drenched in red stuff, it’s just ketchup. Family friendly, remember?
“Well Mom, I hope you’re enjoying your pizza.” I chose to ignore how Queen Chrysalis, her majesty looked awful and sad. Maybe I’ll take her with me in the blue box, maybe I won’t. What caught my eye was the little filly in front of me that was shivering in fear. I bit the bars of her cage, and pulled. In a moment, there was a hole big enough for me to get in. “Hello! Why are you shivering in fear?” The filly pointed at the blue box that had crushed a pony-monkey looking thing.
Oh, he is definitely dead. That’s probably what I was smelling.
“I won’t hurt you.” I said bluntly. Maybe I should be smart… nah.
“But… you have every reason to hurt us! I just got done stealing the magic of friendship and smacking you in the face with a beam of magic!”
“No you didn’t.”
“Huh… What is that blue box?”
“Buck if I know.” I got on my belly and took the rope that was bounding the little filly’s wings, and ate that. “Where are we, if you don’t mind me asking.”
“Tartarus,” Her Majesty sniffled. “It is absolutely dreadful… I have to eat this instead of love!” she pointed towards a cheesy pizza. Its stench was very garlicky.
“Why… is a filly in Tartarus?”
“I tried taking over Equestria,” Cozy said. “And you probably came back to get revenge- EEP! Don’t…what are you doing?” I lunged forward, took the chain on her left, hind leg off, and pulled her into my chest. The bottom half of her body was tucked under my chest, and I was grooming her head. “Why are you grooming me?” She asked. I didn’t answer, I just kept on keeping on.
“Can I have that, too, Stinky?” Chrysalis asked. “It’s… been long since I’ve had any affection of any sort.”
“You stuck a sword in my leg because you were bored.” I said, briefly stopping my grooming of what is now my filly. “Fuck you, Mom.”
“Oh…” She sighed, laying her head down. I blinked a couple of times, before patting Cozy Glow. “Stay here, please. I’ll get you out of here with that box.” The filly nodded, and I squeezed through the bars and squeezed through the bars of Chrysalis’s cage. You know, despite her being an awful changeling, queen, and mother, she was still technically my adoptive mother. So yes, I do still care about her. The way she pitifully laid her head on the ground made me feel bad, so I guess I’m definitely taking her with me. I got down on my stomach before her Majesty, before crawling forward.
“Beatle?” Chrysalis asked. We booped noses, and my old Queen immediately pulled me into a hug before crying. You know, given how much of an inside joke it was, amongst us ‘lings, that Queen Chrysalis is a horrible changeling… that was mostly a joke. She mainly did just pull pranks… and decapitated a few changelings and stuffed chemicals in the sick ones. She hugged me, nuzzled me a bunch, and let me go. “You… look younger than the Beatle that was just here. Is that blue box capable of time travel?”
“I don’t know. I just went in, pressed every button, and ended up here.”
“Oh.” She sighed and nuzzled me. “Well, I would like to… atone for everything I’ve put you through, but I’m not sure if-”
“It’s fine. I’m not dead, am I?”
“No, I suppose not.”
“I can’t take you with me yet, since we’re still dealing with you apparently, since you wanted to take Canterlot after finding out that Luna wants to be my mate.”
“Oh… that time. I see why I cannot be taken yet. Will you come back for me once you are… past that?” I nodded. “Okay… I promise, as soon as you do, I will try to learn…” The Queen visibly shuttered. “Friendship.”
“Okay. I’m going to go talk to that little filly again.” I walked over to the filly. “What is your name?”
“...Cozy Glow.”
“Cool. You’re my filly now.” She looked up at me, before I picked her up, and held her to my chest. “My filly.”
“...I’m going to have a parent that actually likes me?” I answered her with a nuzzle. “And I get a cool parent…” She looked at the remains of the centaur. “If that is any indicator.” I shrugged, and set Cozy on my back. Despite her protests of initially being carried like a baby, she nuzzled into my neck, tucked her forelegs in, and closed her eyes while I fluttered into the blue box. I threw the trash can at the center table and it started making a lot of noise again.”
“And that is how I have a daughter now!” Mom, Skitter, Luna, and Celestia were sitting and staring at me. Behind me, was a hole in the biggest window in the throne room. The blue box was lying on its side, smoldering and covered in blood, with Doctor Whooves staring at it and holding the sides of his head while frantically spraying it with bleach. Sitting on my back, hugging my neck, was Cozy Glow. She was resting her cheek on the back of my head.
Floating in my magic was a coloring book and a crayon box that she was happily making use of while we got through this boring meeting.
“...You killed Tirek?” Celestia asked.
“I don’t know who that is.”
“Okay then,” she sighed. “Though, if that filly, in the future, takes over Equestria, why did you take her?”
“She is cute, and I had fun playing with Soft Breeze all the time. I wanted something to pour my time into.”
Mom and Skitter weren’t even shocked. Well, Mom was shivering in delight, probably because she has a grandfoal now, while Skitter looked like she was plotting something. Something that involved spoiling my daughter by the looks of things.
“Can I go take my daughter to my room now? My head hurts because I used it to break a hole in the wall.”
“Just go,” Celestia said.
Celestia popped a bottle of Advil, something she got while visiting the world beyond the Crystal Mirror, and popped every single pill into her mouth. “I swear, that changeling makes me question the point of consistency in the universe. He perfectly piloted a time machine, rescued a future villain, has plans to rescue his abusive, adoptive mother, and killed one of my greatest foes. Now, he has a daughter… Are you even listening, Flarial?”
“I’m a grandma, Celly. I need to go knit a sweater for her, right fucking now!” She jumped out a nearby window, while Skitter shook her head and went to go comfort her frantic coltfriend while he had a can full of blue paint and a fire extinguisher.
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This story always puts a smile on my face, I LOVE IT
Trying to make sense of stinky is impossible. Maybe they ask discord to keep an eye on him that way discord will hopefully stay out of trouble and harmony will still get plenty of wins. Though it looks like Luna gets stinky as a boyfriend after all.
you just know the tardis did this as petty revenge for skitter and the docter getting too into in on her console
i love that i've been binging Doctor Who and this pops up
Stinky never stops making me laugh with his antics.
The first that that I thought of was "You are being adopted now, please do not resist."
11808652
if it’s any consolation, this is probably, in my opinion, the funniest chapter i’ve written for this story
Tirek turned into spaghetti?
Cus he Pasta Way
lol He didn’t die. He’s just not alive.. anymore.
How did Luna react to learning that she’s a mother now, since Stinky may be her official consort? Also, I’m guessing she convinced Twilight to back off?
Love that title, btw. “Or I’ll lick your eye!” lol
I believe the technical term is "get un-alived", Genosse Grynuolis.
Not dead, just... not alive either.
11809434
family friendly. can’t mention death in any capacity… no, tirek is alive and happy. just headless and not able to live
ignore the curse words that occurred in the same sentence/paragraphs that a family friendly reminder is in.