• Published 28th Aug 2023
  • 4,056 Views, 190 Comments

Well, That Stinks. - Nugget27

a changeling abandons the Hive shortly before the invasion. He ends up getting cuddly with two pony princesses.

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I Apparently Have Problems

So, I really don’t know why I followed Princess Luna, she was pretty, and I guess that was enough to allow her to lead me into a death trap. Dying to an angry, injured, sun wielding alicorn didn’t seem so bad either; what’s the worst that can happen? I die?

After we had landed in front of the castle, I could tell how grand and big it was. The only building in the Hive was the Queen’s palace, and even that pales in comparison to Canterlot Castle. The castle in question is just big, there were a few shattered windows, probably because of the invasion, but it was just absolutely massive. It made me feel tiny in comparison, and there was an alicorn right next to me that stood half a meter over me at her full height. Oh, and she was leading me right to her sister, who happened to be bucking Princess Celestia!

Well, as I said, I am going to die anyway. I was given a free pass by the guards at the gates because I was a Princess’s guest… I could hear them whispering about how Luna is going to tie me up in bondage for some reason. And there was a mention of Nightmare Moon in their foalish whispers for some reason as well. After Luna had set me in a sitting room, she got out of her chair. “I shall retrieve something for us both to snack on, and I will also get my sister. Don’t go anywhere, don’t drop your disguise, and don’t go anywhere and drop your disguise. Changelings… are not exactly popular right now.” Jeez, thanks for telling me, Mare, I couldn’t tell by how you called me a parasite and almost executed me on the streets of Canterlot.

Meh, I’m over that, because I just wanted to bucking sleep. I’ve been up since yesterday, working overtime at three in the morning.

Also, Luna said I couldn’t go anywhere, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t go and explore the room I was in. You see, I hadn’t sat down on either of the couches in the sitting room, but rather on what was apparently called a coffee table. As for why ponies needed a table specifically for coffee is beyond me. Does that mean that every table in the cafe was a coffee table? There was no coffee on the coffee table, so is it just a table? There is a stupid bughorse on the table, so is it a bughorse table? My questions were shut down when I noted a tree in the corner of the room. For some reason, ponies decided to be cruel and keep a tree out of its natural habitat.

I hopped down from my changeling table and trotted over to the indoor tree. The thing the tree was in was taller than I was, so I had to get on my hindlegs and peeked over the top. Oh… that was clever. Ponies stick dirt in a thing, and then they leave enough room to fit the roots of a tree in that thing. Just add some water and some light(the sitting room had a window that wasn’t shattered), and you have yourself a pet tree! This was cruel and unfair to the tree, but that’s the tree’s problem. I hopped up and circled the tree, before setting down in the thing. The tree was nice and thin enough for me to comfortably lay in the dirt with it. This was way nicer than those beds ponies rave on about.

I sorta… forgot what I was doing, and dropped my disguise so I could feel the smooth dirt against my carapace. I rested my head on the ledge of the thing, and simply closed my eyes and sighed.

“So who is it that you wanted me to meet? Surely it must be important if you finally let me get out of bed to meet them.” My eyes snapped open. Sure enough, Princess Luna walked in, followed by a very tall, white alicorn with a rainbow colored, flowing mane and tail. Her cutie mark was the mother bucking Sun!, she wore a gold necklace and a gold tiara rested lightly upon her brow. Hopefully… She didn't notice the changeling that was cuddling with a tree in the corner of the room. “I get mildly injured during the Royal Wedding, and then you have me postpone it because ‘I got hurt too badly’ even though I am perfectly fine.” She paused. “Luna,” she was staring right at me.. “Did you decapitate a changeling and stick its head in with the bonsai tree?”

“...Stink Beatle, I told you not to drop your disguise for any reason.” Luna sighed. “Well Celly, this is Stink Beatle… a changeling. I was going to have the three of us chat, and then have himself reveal what he truly is to you. Instead, he took refuge with our favorite bonsai tree and undisguised before I could even find us something to eat… Stink, why, why are you in a pot?”

“I was wondering what this was. We changelings usually aren’t allowed to have potted plants. They’re too colorful according to the Queen, and they distract us from the Hive’s goals, because they took time to take care of. That time should go towards the Hive, not whatever…” Wait, why am I explaining shit when I’m about to die? I looked at Princess Celestia. “So… am I going to get blasted with the sun?” I stood up, shook any dirt I had off my carapace, before hopping down onto ground level. “I already thought I did die, but Princess Luna said I wasn’t dead.” I probably am dead and some higher power just really hates changelings… Just like everyone else.

“...Luna, why did you think bringing a changeling into the castle was a good idea? This one could possibly be trying to get information on us. I doubt that Chrysalis would be so easily defeated after being launched across Equestria.”

“If it makes you feel better, your highness, I did banish myself from the Hive by leaving it before the wedding. The Queen wanted to hurt everypony and possibly get everybuggy killed while doing so. I left and started living in a little town called Ponyville until yesterday. I was a waiter at a little cafe, serving coffee and eating the happiness and excitement ponies felt when getting donuts, or a cup of coffee that they said they paid too much for. I even tried to befriend a couple of my coworkers and was planning on unveiling myself to them after a while. Buck, I even saw this wall-eyed pegasus that I was going to study to see if I could court them. I’ve no desire to hurt anypony, anything, or do anything that can cause harm to anypony. I can idly eat any emotions that are in the air, without harming anypony, and I usually prefer doing that.” I hummed. “Buck the Queen; that crazy whorse threatened to cut my head off should I ever return to the Hive.” Both Princess’s jaws dropped.

“Anyways! I have a few family issues, but we aren’t here to discuss that, are we?” I tilted my head. I don’t think I’m getting anywhere if the Princesses slowly stopped paying attention to me, and started staring each other in the eye.

“Well then…” Princess Celestia sighed. “My lie detection spell didn’t catch you lying at all, so I shall believe you for now… Why are you in Canterlot if you were trying to live in Ponyville?”

“Some crazy, psychotic, purple unicorn found out I was a changeling and tried to get me shipped off to the dungeons. Her pink earth pony friend tried to throw me a party, dunno what that is. I never missed a day of work until I got dragged into their library…” I sighed. “And I don’t think I can safely move back into Ponyville, like I was living there to begin with. I had a little hole I dug out for myself just outside of town,” I laid down under the couch, where it was nice and dark. “Your sister is really pretty, by the way. When I thought I died, I thought she was one of those angels you ponies talk about, but if I’m not dead. Just forget about me and I’ll go hop on a train and live in the woods somewhere. That could be fun… Until I starve to death, but dying doesn’t sound so bad.” Me Making my lack of care about my survival definitely wasn’t winning any favors.

Both Princesses looked each other in the eyes for a moment. “Did this unicorn happen to be named Twilight Sparkle?” I nodded. “On my behalf-“ A yellow spark of magic made me recede deeper under the couch. “And my student just notified me that a changeling might’ve run to Canterlot after being discovered in Ponyville… What a coincidence.” She sighed. “Look, Mr. Stink, if you would like, you may live in the castle. If you are telling the truth, it won’t take long for everypony to accept you… Where the buck are you?” I flinched at that language. I didn’t know Princess Celestia liked to push the PG rating of literature.

What’s PG again? Pegasus Guys? Pegasi Gay? If I were a pegasus, I’d be pretty gay… As in I’d be happy.

I stuck my snout out, knowing that my eyes glowed in the dark. “That… is oddly adorable; you sticking your nose out like that,” Celestia nodded. “You’re going to have to learn some pony manners though. It is quite odd to speak to somepony that hides under furniture.” I sighed and crawled out. Upon sitting my butt on the chair, I immediately cringed. “Is it not comfortable, Stink?”

“My name is Beatle, your highness… Also I don’t like how soft the cushion is. My flanks are being eaten by the couch!” Started panicking a little bit when I started sinking into it.

“Sister, he plopped his rear right in between two cushions,” Princess Luna simply shook her head. “Who knew changelings would be oddly adorable?” Both Princesses giggled at my expense. That is very rude, your Highnesses.

“Hey now, my mother told me I was an abomination!” I protested as my rear kept sinking into the couch. The couch had claimed my thighs. Faust help me… Who is Faust again?

“Your… mother called you what?” Luna slowly asked.

“Queen Chrysalis is everyling’s mom. She calls us ugly, abominations, monsters, anything really. It was really nice. She called me ‘a idiot’ whenever I came to give my reports on what was happening in my Cluster. It’s really cool.” I said with a smile. “Being cute is a bad thing… I think. Positivity in the Hive isn’t allowed.” For some reason, that made Princess Celestia levitate me over and hugged me.

I felt a few tears roll down my cheeks. This felt nice.

So after learning about how terrible living in the Hive actually was, I was quickly shown a room to finally get some sleep. Of course, because the mattress on a bed is popular amongst ponies, I slid underneath the bed and went to sleep. Or I tried to, but both Princesses followed me inside to make sure I was comfortable. “You shouldn’t sleep under the bed; it is far more comfortable to sleep on top of it, rather than under it,” Celestia said, like how you would scold a nymph for hitting another nymph too hard. “Why don’t you try it?”

I stuck my head out from under the bed. “This reminds me of a den. It may seem uncomfortable, but closed in, cramped places like this are way more comfortable for me.” To prove my point, I pulled my head back underneath and went to sleep. No matter how hard anypony tried to bother me about comfort, I just wanted to sleep. When I woke up the next day, I stuck my head out from under the bed, and blinked a couple of times. My vision was doing that stupid thing where it blurry whenever light changes. It’s especially awful since changelings are used to living underground, so it sucked.

And it didn’t help that I heard a mare shriek. “C-Changeling!” My vision cleared up, and there, before me, was a maid. She was straightening out my bed sheets. Why? They were perfectly fine because I literally didn’t touch them. Must have to do with how this mare worked in the castle and believed everything needed to be perfect. Like how she perfectly violated my ears when she started screaming as loud as she could, as high as her voice can go while backing away from me. I crawled fully out from under my bed and sat down. “G-guards? Anypony? Help me!” I literally didn’t move towards the maid at all.

“Hey,” my ears flattened against my head. “Can you quiet it down? I just woke up, and you are very loud,” I flinched when her screaming got louder. She had a red, curly mane and tail, and a really nice, white coat to go along with it. On top of her head was a weird hat that I assumed was a part of the uniform. “Besides, you, being a unicorn, can probably knock me the buck out with a telekinetic spell. Our carapaces are tough, making us almost as tough as an earth pony, but we literally can’t use magic in any defensive capacity.” I gave a toothy smile. Whoever designed these maid outfits must’ve been a pervert, because they made it so the dress leaves just enough of a pony’s flanks open to the world to see. I didn’t care though, I just didn’t want to seem threatening. “I’ve been eating plenty recently, and your Princesses haven’t murdered me yet for being a changeling, so you don’t have to worry about me. Just don’t hurt me, and I won’t hurt you.”

“W-why would the Princesses approve of something dangerous? Of a monster like you?!” The maid asked. That’s a nice compliment, thank you… Random maid.

“Look,” changeling fire swallowed me, making the mare shriek, only to ‘aw’ when I turned into a pony sized plush of myself. That was a mistake, because now I literally can’t speak. I was lifted up in magic and suddenly being hugged by the maid. I couldn’t protest, and being hugged was nice, so I didn’t want to protest. The mare was soft and squishy, so her hugging my now plushie self was fine. I could tell mare liked hugging a giant plushie, I could almost nibble at the love she gave off at the sight of a plush changeling. I didn’t nibble though, as a sign of good faith.

“Now I want a changeling plushie!” The mare squealed. “You are so bucking cute like that!” The maid suddenly remembered she was hugging a living, breathing being, and let me go. “S-sorry… about that, changeling.” I turned back to my normal, more scary form. I was shaking a little; I could barely breathe as a plushie. “And sorry about insulting you and calling you a monster. I suppose if Celestia herself is letting you stay in the castle, she at least trusts you not to hurt anypony. And me not being shoved into a cocoon as soon as you woke up is proof of that. Why were you sleeping under the bed?”

“It feels like a den,” I shrugged. “What’s your name, by the way? I’ve been mentally referring to you as ‘mare’ and ‘maid’. In exchange you can have my name; it would be rude to just call me ‘changeling’, wouldn’t it?”

“My name is Harmonic Breeze, nice to meet you…”

“My name is Stinky,” the mare brought a hoof up to her mouth and snorted. She looked on the brink of laughing. “Nah, my actual name is Beatle, but Stinky is a funnier name to introduce myself as. It was my disguise’s go to name, Stink Beatle, or Stinky for short.” I offered my hoof. This was a friendly thing ponies did. “Nice to meet you, Harmonic Breeze.” The maid took my hoof and wholeheartedly shook it. The door clicked open and Princess Celestia poked her head in the door. Harmonic immediately bowed, I just sat there like an idiot, until I remembered that the Princess could take my head off in a heartbeat, so I bowed too.

“Mr. Beatle, are you awake?” The Princess’s face immediately turned into a grin. “Are you hitting on the maid?” I could taste the playfulness radiating off of Celestia at that moment. It made me relax a little… Remember Stinky, Celestia, bringer of day, is somehow much nicer than your actual mother is. “Or perhaps is it the other way around?” Harmonic Breeze took that exact moment to shoot up, she looked me over for a moment, before staring in awe at her Princess.

“Well, she does have some nice flanks,” I said, a small smile formed on my face as my new friend’s face got red, which I didn’t need as a sign that she was embarrassed. She immediately swatted me with her tail, before her own face got more mischievous than Celestia was feeling.

“You do have something nice… Muscles. Those have to be the most chiseled muscles I have seen on anything.”

“Weird, Mom always said I was a scrawny little shi-” everypony in the room gasped. “What? My mother was the Queen of the Changelings and she loved all six thousand of her children equally. She was just really bad at actually showing love or compassion to all six thousand children!”

I sat down at a very long pony food and tea table. Again, why do ponies need tables specifically for coffee? Stupid, stupid, nonsensical ponies. For the love of Chrysalis, just make a table! Anyways, Princess Luna and Princess Celestia were seated at two opposite ends of the table from each other. The solar diarch daintily ate her breakfast, which consisted of eggs, some pancakes with a fruity smiley face on it, and half of a cake. Princess Luna…

Princess Luna might be part wolf. The Princess literally swallowed a stack of pancakes that was almost as tall as my neck was long. How she managed to fit that down her mouth without chewing, another dumb thing ponies need to do with their food, is beyond me. I’m also glad that ponies usually don’t eat meat unless they’re psychotic, or else I would’ve been on the menu last night.

Sitting before me was a cereal box and milk. I had forgone the milk and was just eating the cereal… and the plastic bag holding the cereal. I technically didn’t need to eat, but chewing on stuff was fun. So I ate cereal anyways. I couldn’t eat too much, because it made my stomach feel less empty, which wasn’t good. Weird, when I had my fill of emotions, my stomach still felt empty. But I could use magic if I had love, but couldn’t use magic if I couldn’t get enough love to sustain myself.

Meh, Chrysalis said love is life for Changelings, and mama knows best! Even the bad mamas.

“So…” Princess Luna said, having drank some weird, brown liquid that heavily smelled like sugar. “What do we do about our niece and nephew?” Princess Celestia looked up from her meal. “They have yet to properly marry as we had to postpone their wedding by two weeks, so that most of our efforts can go to repairing Canterlot. I doubt that Cadance will take lightly to our new friend, sister.”

“Who is Cadance? That oddly sounds like Cadenza,” I asked.

“They’re… the same pony.”

“Oh. I should run; the Queen mentioned stealing her husband promptly after kidnapping and trapping that pony in a massive cavern under Canterlot in her plans. I don’t remember the full gist of what was supposed to happen to her and her future husband, but I also know it wasn’t very good.” Both Princesses raised their eyebrows at me. “Look, I knew the Queen was planning on invading Canterlot, that's why I left, but I didn’t think she’d be dumb enough to actually invade!”

I heard the door open, followed by a calm ‘click’ of the door shutting behind whoever just walked in. Low and behold, there… Was a third alicorn. A pink one, almost a spitting image of Princess Luna, minus the flowing mane and size difference. Oh, and the fact that Luna wasn’t exactly pink, but I could be colorblind. “Good morning aunties…” Beside her was a white, tall hunk of a stallion. I think I might’ve transformed into a female drone and tried to ‘hook up’ with him if I swung that way. He was huge, had a pristine, white coat, and a purple mane and tail.

The alicorn seemed to be doing most of the talking. “Auntie Celestia, why is there a changeling eating a bag of plastic filled with Honey Nut Cheerioats?” She looked about ready to start pounding my face in with a chair, “Actually, why is there a changeling in the castle at all? Shouldn’t it be in the dungeons?”

“Plastic tastes good,” I said. It probably wasn’t good for me, though. “Anyway, thank you Princess Luna for allowing me to stay the night, but that window over there seems to be calling my name.” I tried to get out of my seat, only to be forced down, chin first, into the table by magic. My vision blanked for a moment, and the next, I had that angry unicorn stallion staring into my soul, threatening to rip it out of my body. I could tell he was tired, an after effect of being fed upon by a changeling for too long, but still angry.

“I’ll take care of this little bug.”

“Captain Armor, put my changeling down,” Luna said. “He is to remain unharmed while living in the castle. He is here, being peaceful, with zero intentions of harming anypony. I know he hasn’t participated in the invasion, so he is currently innocent of any crimes the rest of his Hive are.” What was that about ‘my changeling’? My head hurts, I don’t think having my chin forcefully shove down into a table is a good thing for my brain’s health. Or my general health.

“B-b- What? Is this changeling mind controlling you?” The unicorn snarled.

I raised my left hoof, using the right one to rub my aching head. “Only the Queen is capable of mind control. All but the most basic forms of magic are illegal in the Hive. Mind Control isn’t exactly basic magic, sir…” I really need to go in another direction, away from this stallion. “I can barely use telekinesis, basic telekinetic strikes, and the ability to transform, which is more of an instinct thing.” I slowly turned to Celestia. “Can I choose what river my body gets dumped in after Captain Armor skins me?”

“…What?” Everypony in the room asked.

“The Queen says burying changelings takes up space, which is probably just her way of saying ‘I don’t give a buck about you idiots, so some other lie to make it seems like she doesn’t love us’, so whenever somebuggy dies, they get thrown in a river… sometimes. Sometimes our corpses are just launched out of a cannon that the Queen had stolen from the griffins on one of her many escapades.” My wings buzzed a little. “So about my choice in which river my body gets dumped into.”

“…Your Queen is a terrible pony. Now I just feel bad about launching all of you changelings across Equestria with love,” the pink alicorn sighed. “I almost found some logic in what that monster did to me, which was to serve her subjects, but she can’t even be bothered to give you proper funerals?” The Princess’s nose cringed up. “Now I just want to buck her in the head.” That’s a weird way of saying you love somebuggy. How can you not love the Queen?

“In all fairness, your highness, most of the changelings in the invasion, as in all of the changelings in the Hive, were probably just going to be used as meat shields if the invasion went south. We ‘lings die eventually, so we might as well be useful when we die... By keeping the Queen safe from harm. Our mother loves us dearly… I think. She usually looks at me with raw, unfiltered disgust because I didn’t like how mean she was to anything that wasn’t a drone, or anything sentient for that matter.” I moved on from the bag holding the Cheerioats to the box itself.

“What in the actual buck?” The unicorn looked conflicted between wanting to rub my back and comfort me, or slamming my face into a nearby wall until I couldn’t breathe anymore. “You talk about what could be considered domestic violence so casually… And your Queen, who is apparently also your mother, does this so often that you don’t even know it’s abuse?”

“Well, happiness is illegal in the Hive,” that was actually a law. A lot of the laws in place were meant to prevent happiness. Celestia’s horn lit and my mouth was clamped shut and my injuries stopped being hurting like Queen Chrysalis stomping a hoof through your skull after you failed your mission. Maybe I should’ve stopped talking earlier, I just made these new faces uncomfortable. And they were just feeling pity for some odd reason… wasn’t I an abomination?

Celestia just sat there, smiling, and she let go of my mouth. “I think you have several problems. You cried when I hugged you last night, so you very clearly aren’t used to affection, or kindness of any kind.”

I shrugged. “Well, the only time the Queen interacted with anyling one on one was while executing them.'' The white unicorn wrapped a foreleg around my neck. “Please don’t break my neck. Or do, doing that would probably solve a lot of those issues.”

“Perhaps… We should adopt you instead of hating you. I’m Shining Armor by the way.”

“Why are you trying to adopt me?” I asked.

Princess Cadenza spoke up. “You are really hard to hate; I just feel sorry for you now.” I soon found myself sitting, tucked under Princess Luna’s wing.

“Well, Mr. Stinky will not be adopted any time soon; he is mine. I found him, I should get to keep him.”

“You just want more friends,” Celestia said with a smug grin.

“I have plenty of friends… They just live in another town,” Princess Luna looked down at me with excitement only comparable to a newborn nymph. “Will you be my friend?” Those eyes… I couldn’t say no. Where the buck did I go wrong in life? At least I get to be friends with a really pretty, all powerful, all knowing alicorn that will keep other ponies from murdering me! I nuzzled into Luna’s side and kept eating my box… Then it was taken away from me. “Stop that! You already ate an entire bag of plastic without touching any of the cereal inside! That’s not healthy!”

“..Fine, I’ll go eat a rock,” before Luna could stop me, I walked over to a window and threw myself out of it to go find that rock.

Author's Note:

holy frick this thing exploded. Anyways, this is the second chapter. thank y’all for reading.