• Member Since 22nd Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen 9 hours ago

StormHoof32


A writer who enjoys putting a smile on peoples faces. If a story makes you smile, I've done my job. :)

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Applejack and Rainbow Dash are really great friends, but when they start hanging out more, they start to develop feelings for each other. Can their love last, or will it fall in a downward spiral.

Chapters (10)
Comments ( 110 )

First things first: FIRST.
The only thing I want to say about this is make it a little longer. There needs to be more description, especially in the beggining.
However, this is a good start. It was worth reading for sure.

Alright!
That wasn't too bad actually. Nothing overly special, but a solid enough attempt.

Now, before far more evil people come in, here are some tips.

-Your lack of indenting is displeasing. New paragraph? INDENT! New person talking? INDENT! New point to make?
-I, as a word, is always, always capitalized. Your failure to do that will hold you back more so then anything.

Thats all I can think of at any rate.

I'll say this. It's rushed and when doing thoughts do it like this to make it easier to read.

'How do I do this?'

Well, there are several grammatical errors, and it was rather predictable ... but it's AppleDash, so thumbs up nonetheless. :ajsmug:

For a moment there I thought the cover had Applejack with buttons sewn over her eyes. This was much better.

>> thatguywiththeeyes2121 hey thx for helping comments. Its alot betting r than what i had originally written, and i think it trned out well, but i think ur right, i might have indented a little too much. Anyway thx for your comment.

You forgot to capitalize quite a few i's
You also made the mistake of misspelling words in two occasions that I can think of
your=you're, where=were.
But, it's still a nice story

Your weakness is definitely grammar:pinkiehappy:
Your story-telling however, I'll be watching this story:ajsmug:

Thx ^_^! Its an appledash, how could u not like it. Btw, i think i might rlly enjoi: Till Death Do You Part. Seems like a good read.

Well, I don't have any works yet, but i wanna give you my opinion.

First:
You have some grammatical problems (and english is not my mother language). Maybe reading and studying another stories may help you improve your grammar.

Second:
Try to not specify who talks in every dialogue, and most important, don't point obvious actions.
For example:

- Who? - Applejack ask :ajbemused:
- Me - Spike answer :moustache:
- Ok! - Applejack replied :applejackconfused:

Is boring to read. Try to create a scenario when the characters dialogues are recognizable, with that, you don't gonna have to point every action and the reader gonna understand who is talking, without your guide.

But i must say, i like the simplicity of your work. I wanna see how far can you go with this couple.
Greetings. (and sorry for the spanglish :twilightblush:)

A little rushed. Take your time, this is too good a story to be squandered.

Rainbow Dash is kinda out of character. Other than that, LOVING IT!

1357739 cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-tannoy.png No... 1357029 this guy/gal said you aren't indenting enough, and you do lack capitalization. The story itself is good, but the content within it needs improvement. I would suggest getting a proofreading, or reread the story yourself to see if you can fine any mistakes in your story. I will leave my vote neutral for now and watch to see where this story is going.

From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, TWE Admin

If anyone is interested in being a proofreaderd, massage me and let me know. thx.
:pinkiesmile:

If anyone is interested in being a proofreaderd, message me and let me know. thx.
:pinkiesmile:

To all who have commented. This is how i have decided to write this fic, if you have a problem with that, keep it to yourself. thx.

Why do people keep hating on this.
This isn't amazing, but it's much better than the like/dislike bar gives it credit for.

Seems a little ... rushed... but I think there is potentila in this. Dude, take your time on your next piece k? :raritywink::raritywink:

That last bit. AB is still there....:rainbowlaugh:

Lol, that last kiss felt awesome!, don't know why :yay:

So now random capitalisation is thrown on the pile of grammar errors:rainbowhuh:
I like the story but the 'kiss, get together, afraid to let others know' scenario has been overdone:pinkiesmile:

Btw, Let me know what you think of the pic that went with this story.:pinkiesmile:

Holy crap. Your writing is shaping up nicely. I hope people give you more credit for this in the future. It's worth reading, that's for sure.
Keep churning it out. I'm reading!

Use more synonyms, that will help you to not repeat the same words too much. And you really improve with the dialogues! /) *Brohoof
And yeah it's a little sad... :fluttershysad: ... just a little... :fluttercry: ... WHY EVERYPONY HAS TO CRY!? :fluttershbad:

media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m50637uF691qj3ir1.gif

The AppleDash is gone?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

i'll be updating soon, so all of you who are following, keep an eye out. :pinkiesmile:

Sorry about this chapter I was on a time schedule so it was kinda rushed. Rlly Rlly sorry! :raritydespair::raritycry::pinkiesad2::fluttercry::applecry:

will be changing it a bit so reread pls!
:twilightblush::twilightblush::twilightblush::twilightblush::twilightblush:

maybe loosen up on AJs accent a lil and watch out for spelling. I noticed "u" used and "cryin"

Hey! You improved! This chapter was really funny. :rainbowlaugh:
If you want some help in the future, please let me know! I will be glad to help you! :raritywink:

:pinkiecrazy:1407260 Thx Lixi, There are two more chapters to go, but if i can't finish it in the two chapters I might add more. keep on reading.:pinkiecrazy:

lie there with Rainbow forever and ever.

This bit really took me out of the feel of the story. Just the use of

and ever.

Just sayin

the sexual content in the last chapter wasnt really appropriate or necessary, but otherwise BRILLIANT.:pinkiehappy:

Great ending! "Ariana", cute name. :twilightsmile:

I... I'm sorry to say this. But here's my critique, please don't take it bad, I'm jsut trying to do some constructive critizism, to help you, nothing more.

You should look for a good editor, many typos, grammar errors, problems with the use of "U" "cuz" and other words you should really avoid.
Regarding the story, it started great, then the whole polyamore thing went down, and so did the quality of the story. Problem is not the whole polyamore thing per se, the problem was that in... less than half a day, there were 4 broken hearts, 86 mended hearts, 153 new couples, you catch my drift? TOO many things happened TOO fast and with a surprisingly quick recovery. Rainbow falls in love, next day, her love is requited and she feels great, next day she hate applejack, next day she loves Fluttershy, next day she loves Applejack again and forgets about Fluttershy. Fluttershy(who had love RD for YEARS) suddenly forgets and loves Twi, because love is just a thing that comes and goes like the socks you wear...
I'm sorry, I don't wanna sound mean, I just like the concept of the story, and I'd love for more people to enjoy it, so I'm giving you tips, maybe you can re-write it, or something. I just want to help your art grow

I won't give you a thumb down, but neither a thumb up. I hope you don't hate me

:pinkiegasp: could it get any sadder

1540862 I could make it sadder. I could, but i woon't. this fic is done. sorry. lol

Why is it that each story has 31 likes and 14 dislikes?

Great love story. What happened to Twilight and Fluttershy, Rarity and Spike?

Kinda weird when you said "...Even Lyra and Bon Bon showed up."Almost like it's a total surprise that they showed up and normally their just awful c*nts or something. :rainbowlaugh: Anyways,great chapter as usual.:pinkiehappy:

Dashing through the clouds, Creating a rainbow, I just uh something something... I DUN REALLEH KNOW, HEY! :twilightblush:

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