Aftermath
Sleep was always something that Rarity had prided herself upon. It was naturally a part of her beauty routine to get not merely get eight hours of sleep every night, but nine. More than this, she was a busy girl, having almost every part of her day scheduled or planned or perfecting, but despite this hustle and bustle lifestyle, she never stayed up all night.
Of course, being as she was, she didn’t spend the time idle in her sleep. She used those very valuable nine hours every night to apply leave-in moisturizer or facial masks and let them work their magic while she slept.
Though she used sleep as a beautification tool, she also liked to wake up to the slight burn that a face mask provides while sleeping in while listening to a white noise CD she left running on a loop throughout the night, as a way to prolong the 'beautification'.
The events of the previous afternoon blurred together in her mind and felt more like snapshots of moments than a contiguous day, but Rarity knew when she fell down into her bed, she definitely had not put on her noise soundtrack. Even if she had, the background sound of muffled chatter followed close by a rhythmic beeping sound was not on the discography.
This was the first thing that she’d noticed upon waking up. The second was a slight pain coming from her cheek, stiffness on her back, and the weight on her thighs, only, it all felt very far away from her senses as though it were restrained. The third thing she noticed was when she opened her eyes and saw that she was not in her bedroom.
The cramped room itself couldn’t have been plainer; fluorescent lights that buzzed above her, ordinary white tile with flecks of color thrown in beneath her, and barren off-white walls that Rarity wasn’t entirely sure were eggshell or ivory. To her left sat a fuzzy blob in a rather uncomfortable looking chair that was entirely too small for her, and to her right was a sterile countertop with a set of backpacks laying across them, flanked by athletic water bottles and fast food wrappers, which gave the room a familiar greasy scent. In front of her was a reddish blur, and further out stood a large purple one.
The world gradually became clearer the more Rarity blinked away the grogginess, the blurry shapes taking the forms of people. Another blink and the world came into focus, and another blink after that revealed the blobs’ identities: Sitting on the chair was Rarity’s mother clad in a black sweater and matching pants, Sunset Shimmer was resting her head on Rarity’s thighs and humming a tune she recognized as the song they had written together a week ago. Further out, the large violet blur split off into two separate entities, both of which were Twilight Sparkle, both of which wore lab coats that were heavily stained with mud, but only one wore glasses.
“How long,” Rarity rubbed her eyes, everyone in the room suddenly snapped their attention to her as though she were a bomb going off, “was I ‘out’ as it were?”
The four rushed from their places to give Rarity a tight embrace as if they’d rehearsed such a motion.
“I’m so glad you’re ok, babe.” Sunset buried her head in Rarity’s chest and sniffled before looking up at her. Her eyes told a story that she spent the night crying without sleep, reddened with bags beneath them and distant in their focus. “I was so scared of what happened, we all were.”
“That’s right, dear.” Rarity’s mother tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear, “When I got the phone call from Sunset about what happened, I practically flew from work to see you. We’re glad that you’re ok.”
“That’s right.” Both Twilight spoke at the same time before blushing and saying, “You go. No, you go! Ugh!”
Rarity put a hand to her mouth and giggled, “I’ll admit, it took me a moment to realize that there actually are two of you here and that I wasn’t dreaming.”
“You should’ve seen either Rainbow Dash’s reaction to seeing herself,” the Twilight with glasses spoke with a laugh, “She wasn’t sure whether to scream or ask for her autograph.”
“They did both,” Sunset smirked, standing to her feet and making her way to the backpacks on the counter. She wore a black blouse that Rarity had tailored for her birthday and her heart soared seeing it again. “Do you want something to eat? The nurse said you should probably get something down before noon.”
“No thanks, darling, I can’t say I have an appetite at the moment.” Rarity shook her head gingerly before she let out a sudden gasp, startling the room’s occupants. “Did I hear you right, Sunset? Did you say, noon?”
“That’s correct,” The Twilight without glasses piped up, “You were unconscious for just over two days.”
“Two days!?” Rarity squawked, putting a hand on either side of her face, before flinching as it connected with her left one. “Why! That would mean that the dance is tonight!”
Rarity’s mother drew in a breath and eyed the other three in the room before she turned back to Rarity and spoke, her familiar midwestern accent poking through as the chair she was seated in creaked. “In two hours, actually. Rarity, honey, I’m so glad that you’re ok, and the doctor said that you can leave a day after you wake up.”
“But?” Rarity raised an eyebrow, saying the very word she expected to hear.
“But, that means you’d miss out on that dance.” She flinched, as though expecting one of her daughter’s trademarked screams only for it never to come. “You were so excited about it too.”
“If it makes you feel any better babe,” Sunset said, getting back down to her knees and resting her head on Rarity’s legs once more, “I won’t go either. Besides, you wanted to win the crown, and you don’t have to be there for that.”
“Yes,” Rarity’s mouth pursed into a sour line, “I do remember the votes being taken last week. I suppose some things just aren’t meant to be.”
“You mean you aren’t mad?” Sunset perked up, wearing a look halfway between surprise and concern.
“On the contrary, love, I’m quite furious.” Rarity stated matter-of-factly before letting her mouth melt into a warm smile, “But, I’m alive after whatever horrid nightmare happened last afternoon, pardon, two afternoons ago. I’m very grateful for what I have, darling, but I simply cannot have it all.”
“I’m glad you think so because I’m still gonna win the crown,” Sunset teased, gently tapping her fist against Rarity’s leg, “I’ll let you wear it sometimes, I’m a very kind queen.”
Rarity opened her mouth to say something snide back, only for the glasses-less Twilight to interject.
“About what happened the other day.” She almost squeaked, as though she’d been waiting hours to say it, balling her hands into fists and pawing at the air in front of her, not remembering that they were hands. “What happened to you was the result of Equestrian magic coming through the mirror, like what happened with Wallflower Blush.”
Sunset perked up and continued off of the pony-turned-human Twilight’s explanation, “I was able to figure out what had happened to you once I found you on your bed, and tell Twilight — our Twilight — that this was the work of a bee from the Hayseed Swamp.”
“The what, darling?” Rarity tilted her head as much as the, now noticeable, bandages on her face would allow. “Are you telling me I got stung by a bee from, where was it again?”
“The Hayseed Swamp.” The Twilight with glasses answered. “We isolated the type of bee that stung you a few weeks ago to one that was native to the southeastern region of Equestria. They have an extremely painful sting that implants a microscopic egg that moves through the bloodstream to the victim’s face.”
“GROSS!” Rarity’s entire body shook, as though every cell of her body was rejecting the information, “You cannot be serious.”
“You’re actually kind of fortunate, considering that in Equestria they happen to lay several dozen in just one sting.” Princess Twilight lectured in a tone that was improperly cheerful for the subject matter, taking a brief instant to sip from one of the water bottles, hers happened to be bright blue. “However, in Equestria, we have medicine that kills the eggs inside the bloodstream. It’s actually super interesting! The medicine actually calcifies th—”
“I don’t mean to cut you off there, Twilight,” said the other Twilight, who took a seat on the edge of the bed opposite Sunset and took out a notepad from the one pocket that miraculously wasn’t stained. “It is very interesting, but, I think you’d make her faint, or puke, or both, if you went on any longer.”
“Oh, you’re right, my apologies.” Twilight bowed her head and rubbed her arm. “The Rarity in Equestria is the same way.”
“Thank you, darling, I appreciate the discretion.” Rarity gave a slight nod to Princess Twilight and sat up on the bed and turned her view back to the Twilight she went to school with. “So Twilight—”
“Yes?” Both of them spoke at the same time again.
“I— Canterlot Twilight.” Rarity tried again, huffing a breath in and out as she did.
“Yes?”
Rarity shut her eyes and held them closed for long enough to heave a sigh, a lot of her patience exiting on the exhale. She pointed to the Twilight who was scribbling something in her notes in front of her. “This Twilight, how is it that I’m able to walk out of here after just a day? And please, I beg you, please don’t make it so repulsive.” She turned to the other Twilight in the room. “No offense.”
“None taken!” The Princess sang back, “But I will say the story about the cure is less gross and more ingenious on Twilight’s part.”
“Thank you, Twilight!” Beamed Twilight, “She is right about it not being gross. To make a very long story and adventure short, we had to speak with a pony named Mage Meadowbrook who sent all of us, including Twilight’s friends in Equestria, all across the nation searching for ingredients for a ‘healin’ brew’ as she called it.” Twilight must have adjusted her glasses no more than three times throughout the explanation as she flipped through her pages.
“Then,” Sunset shuffled and crossed her legs instead of sitting on her knees, “We drew straws for who would give it to you and… Well, Fluttershy drew the short one.”
“Which one, I take it there were two?” Rarity tilted her head, hiding the anger that was bubbling up inside of her. How could they slip something so alien and so obnoxious into her while she was sleeping, even if it was medicine?
“Our Fluttershy,” Sunset flinched back, expecting a loud scream but none came.
Rarity folded her fingers into one another and rested her hands on her lap, tapping her thumb against her wrist impatiently. “And where is she now?”
Rarity’s mother sliced through the growing tension in the air, “Oh, I think she said something about rounding up all the bees with the others there and then driving them back over into Equestria.”
Rarity bit the inside of her lip and exchanged glances with everyone in the room, “There wasn’t swamp water in this ‘brew’ was there?”
Sunset cringed and sucked a breath through her teeth, “That was one of the first ingredients.”
“You made me drink swamp water?” Rarity’s face and voice both hardened into stone.
“Well,” Everyone in the room talked over one another, before the Twilight with glasses glanced at her notebook and back up at Rarity and took the lead, “Do you really want to know what else was in it?”
The strength was coming back to Rarity in waves throughout the conversation, but the frustration and disgust that racked her only seemed to accelerate the process. “No. No, I do not. I would like to know,” She ground her teeth, “what exactly it did.”
“Well, the first thing it did was dry up all that Hayseed Honey so we could get it all out,” Sunset started, drumming her fingers against Rarity’s thigh.
“Then it allowed for your muscle, tissue, connective tissue, all of that to regenerate partially and without infection.” Twilight pushed her glasses up with the metal spiraling of the notebook. “But it wasn’t able to fully recover all of what you tore off, so there will be some scarring, but other than that, you’re going to be completely alright!”
Rarity looked around the room from her hospital bed, and each of its occupants looked back at her expectantly. The room started to become glassy, not from pain or sorrow as it had a few days ago, but from utter joy. “You… Did all of this for me?”
“Of course we did, Rares!” Sunset took the opportunity to embrace her lover once more, “We’d do just about anything for you. Plus, we have saved the world a couple of times together, after all, so this was nothing!”
The sweet scent of Sunset’s perfume made Rarity want to melt into her arms then and there, but she did her best to return the embrace and remain solid. “Oh, Sunset you smell so heavenly. After what that dreaded thing smelled like, your perfume is giving me life again. Oh!—”
A thought struck her mind with such force that it caused her posture to stiffen upright, “Twilight, er, Princess Twilight,” She rectified herself, lest the two Twilights answer simultaneously again, “Would this potion have worked better had I not clawed away at the… Ugh, whatever-it-was?”
“Uhm…” the Princess’ eyes became unfocused and darted left to right quickly, as though she were examining her memories and rereading them before she hopped off the floor with an ‘eee!’. “If my medical knowledge from Equestria still holds up here, then yes it should have worked better had you not, but, you still would have had a scar in either case. Yours just happens to be larger because…”
“No, no, you’re right!” Rarity picked up where Princess Twilight trailed off, breaking from the embrace with Sunset. “I should be grateful that I’m even alive, it would be unladylike to complain after all you’ve done.”
“I mean,” Sunset ran a hand through Rarity’s hair, “I’d still be upset if I had something like that happen, but I’d also look at it like one more thing to love about myself. And that’s how I see it on you, babe, just another thing to fall in love with.”
“You’re saying this after you saw the abhorrent scene in my room?” Rarity pressed, holding her partner’s face in her hand with a smile.
“I’d say that in the abhorrent scene in your room.” Sunset beamed back as Rarity tugged her face in for a kiss, which she happily and readily obliged. “But you gotta promise me to stop getting hurt, I might just have a heart attack from all the worrying you make me do.”
Rarity’s mother cleared her throat, which didn’t phase the two girls at first, but a second, louder, cough did the job. “So there, lovebirds, I’m sure you could use some space. I know I could use a shower about now, and sleep in an actual bed.” She chuckled to herself.
“I’m sure Spike is going stir-crazy in the castle without me there, I should probably head home too!” The princess giggled, going along with the obvious implication to leave the couple alone.
“And while I would love to stay with you, I have been up for nearly three days trying to make sure you were alright.” Twilight took the glasses off her face, giving them a quick clean with the thin sheet lining the hospital bed.
“Oof, yeah that goes double for me too.” Sunset emphasized the ‘double’ with a peck on Rarity’s cheek. “But, I think I can get some shut-eye here on this janky bed.”
“Oh no you can’t,” Rarity shook her head and retained the love-laced grin that made its home on her face, “You’re gonna go get me my crown.”
“I, wh—huh!?” The spell that came over Sunset when she kissed her girlfriend broke, “You’re telling me you got a hot date in your bed, and you don’t wanna sleep with her.”
“HA!” Rarity snorted before quickly covering her face. “That’s not it at all dear, I just think that you should go to the dance without me. It’s the last Fall Formal of our high school lives, you shouldn’t be spending it in here, you should spend it dancing! But more importantly, getting me that crown.”
“But… Wouldn’t it be so romantic to spend it in here?” Sunset offered as the other three in the room gathered their things to depart.
“You still can, darling, but I want you to enjoy a night out before you spend another one in with me.”
“Oh, if I may?” Twilight put away her notepad and exchanged it for a smartphone. “I could always facetime it to you on your phone, so you could be there too!”
“Twilight?” Sunset and Rarity spoke at the same time, their thoughts becoming one in that very moment.
“Yes?”
“You’re a genius.”
Pride and selflessness were two conflicting emotions that clashed within Rarity at any given moment. Sometimes her vanity would compel her to jump into the center of attention, but other times her generosity would urge her to give it to others. Sometimes she spent her money on beauty products, and sometimes she donated it to charity. And sometimes, she forsook going to the dance she’d been looking forward to all year because it would make her girlfriend happier to go.
Though Sunset said she didn’t want to go initially, it was clear from how long they’d been together that she was stretching the truth in some measure, and so Rarity had to be content with living through the experience secondhand through her girlfriend. Initially, she’d figured that most of the enjoyment would have been lost since she wasn’t there feeling the music Vinyl mixed, or dancing with her partner underneath the disco ball, but she was surprised when she found herself dancing in what limited motion the bed allowed. Even more so when she found herself biting her nails when they began turning the music down and the crowd hushed.
Principal Celestia took her place behind the turntables flanked on either side by enormous speakers, which took up almost all of one side of the gym. Her dress was an immaculate red sequin, and if Rarity hadn’t been served detention by her before, she would swear that she was a model on the cover of Vogue.
Admiration turned to anticipation turned to impatience. Rarity remembered holding her breath when she announced that they’d counted the votes and a King and Queen would be announced shortly, and how it nearly blindsided her when Celestia announced the Fall Formal King first.
While she was happy for Big Mac, who accepted his crown with characteristic bashfulness and timidity, she was watching only to see if she won.
Then Principal Celestia took out the rhinestone-studded tiara that made her heart soar. She remembered nearly biting through her nails when she said that the vote was very close, in fact, the winner was decided by only one vote difference.
And then wanting to launch her phone across the room when the feed cut to her reflection in the phone. Her battery had suddenly severed her from glory, and righteous vengeance described her rage only in half-measure.
The next hour and a half stewed her discontent and simmered it down into brooding impatience. She knew that at any moment, Sunset would burst through the door either gloating or congratulating her. If she was feeling particularly mean, she’d congratulate her, put the crown on her head, only to then take it back and snicker. But just as quick as the thought came, Rarity banished it as an anger-induced fantasy.
Just as she was beginning to reach for the light to go to sleep, thinking that Sunset had decided to come by in the morning, the handle on the door jiggled and its noise echoed across the painfully quiet room.
The heavy door swung open to reveal the most extravagant, the most ravishing, and the most decadent black dress Rarity had ever laid eyes on, along with the most beautiful girl in the world that wore it. Sunset was never one for dresses, favoring t-shirts and button-up shirts, but whenever she did, it was like falling in love all over again.
Rarity moved her eyes up, savoring every bit of what she saw in both the dress and its wearer until she got to her face. She hadn’t known who had done Sunset’s makeup, but whoever did was a miracle worker. All signs of stress and tiredness were erased, and every single beauty on her face was magnified. Then she laid eyes on the crown that laid atop her head, and her stomach dropped to her knees, and the grin she wore so wide that it hurt fell into one of pure politeness.
“Babe, I have one thing to say to you.” Sunset’s hand vibrated in front of her chest with glee, in fact, her whole body seemed to shudder with overflowing joy, her eyes shining with the brightness of a hundred stars.
“And that is?” Rarity’s voice was as mild as ice water.
“Congrats!” Sunset beamed, launching herself into an embrace with her girlfriend so tight that it would make a vice blush were it capable.
“I… Won?” Rarity croaked, her breath being taken from her by the closeness of the hug.
“That’s right, I was just keeping the crown warm for you, Your Highness.” Sunset pulled away and got on her knees, taking the crown off her head of offering it up. “Hope you don’t mind.”
“You mean…”
“Yep!” Sunset braced for one of her partner’s screams, and this time it came, though it was much more muted than usual.
Rarity let out a long squeak before clasping her hands over her mouth, drawing in a trembling breath. Naturally, Rarity wanted this victory, as she applied and campaigned for it on those exact hopes, but she always relegated her hopes for such a triumph to the back of her mind, but here was the crown. Her crown.
Rarity reached out to claim it, only for Sunset to pull it away.
“Ah, ah, ah.” She giggled, narrowing her eyes and brandishing a wide grin. “Who’s the best girlfriend in the world?”
“You! Obviously!” Rarity returned the laugh and reached out again for the crown, only to again have it swiped back.
“Mmm, I’m thinking I’m owed back kisses over the past few days.” The smugness on Sunset’s face could’ve put Trixie to shame. “I have been jonesing for them.”
Rarity wasn’t sure if her heart wanted to thump or melt. “I’ll kiss you a million times, and a million more after that my love. Now please.”
“I’ve got a better idea.” Sunset swiveled behind her and set the crown on the chair behind her before standing up and grabbing the side of Rarity’s face with one hand, and the top of her waist with the other and pulling her into a kiss that had more depth than the sky had height. Time seemed to flutter away from them as their lips melded into one another, and the entire world fell away in their tenderness.
When the kiss finally broke, Sunset couldn’t help herself and went in for another, albeit much quicker, peck before turning around and grabbing the crown from the chair, and donning an air of regality. “Miss Rarity Belle, first of her name, and beauty of the whole of Canterlot, I do decree that from this day forward, you shall be called: Queen Rarity.”
Sunset gingerly, softly, set the crown on her head and kissed her cheek. “Long may she reign.”
“Come here, you!” Rarity pulled her down into the bed beside her and ravaged her with dozens of kisses all up and down her chest, her neck, and her face before finally reaching one final peck on the lips and letting the silence draw in as they stared on into one another’s eyes. “I love you, Sunset.”
“I love you too, Your Majesty.”
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Bizarre and grotesque, with a surprisingly tame ending.
11571693
Thank you!! It dumbfounds me how quickly you read through it all, and I hope you enjoyed!!
11571694
I am speed.
Superb piece, I applaud the surprise trans Rarity and how you weaved it into the narrative . Take the updoot.
YOU LEFT OUT THE SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS STORY: Trypophobia (fear, disgust, or horror at clusters of holes or some kinds of clusters of holes) FOR CELESTIA'S SAKE. Please consider editing the LD accordingly.
I mean, that is a very specific thing that is very real for some people.
(But props on at least giving it cover art that hints at some of what a reader might be in for, I think?)
11571755
Hi! I figured I didn't need to include that as a spoiler since it's not really something that's in the story. I barely describe what the blemish looks like, and when I do, it is not in a way that should trigger trypophobia. I appreciate the concern, and I hope you like what you read!
11571746
ty sososo much!! I figured that having Rarity being trans would fit neatly into the overarching allegory of wanting to find self-perfection, and how such perfectionism can ultimately be against one's own interest even if they think it's advancing it! Thank you again!
So this is what it would be like if David Cronenberg wrote MLP fan fiction…Well done
Part of me was hoping for some kind of horrible body horror, like The Fly but with bees.
Regardless, I enjoyed this a whole lot. Definitely kinda weird, but the Equestrian magic angle makes it feel very cohesive. Also, Rarity and Sunset are too cute, and I always appreciate Sunset being written as kind of a smug bitch sometimes. Besides, who wouldn't be if they were her?
Also, fuck Picket Fence.
11572230
SO TRUE all my homies hate Picket Fence! Thank you for reading though! Kinda weird is what I aim for with all my stories, and I'm very happy that this one managed to be so while not compromising any quality! I'm glad you liked it! ^^
11572921
As someone who always saw your earnest in depth commentary in other user's works and felt somewhat inspired by them to start doing the same, consider this a payment in kind.
As for the criticism it didn't really hinder my enjoyment of the work as much as it took me by surprise. Even without the contest limitations (which I should have taken into account first to be honest) you could get away with this as you said by chalking it up to rarity not letting pain get the best of her which is actually in character.
Expect more commentary in the next chapters. Best of luck in the contest!
11572931
Never thought that I'd tear up getting a comment, but I also never thought I'd get one so kind or inspirational. There are many words that I can say (as I'm sure you know hahaha) but I really can't say much more than thank you, and this has probably made my week.
11574752
There are a lot of times when I feel as though I have to make my story much more direct for the general audience of fimfic, as a lot of times, things like tonal consistency and establishing/paying off a thematic message go over their heads. While I have this concern and have had it in the past, reading your comments on my work is doing incredible work to dissolve such anxiety.
You are precisely right in a lot of your comment, and I agree that I could've simply said that Rarity was dating Sunset Shimmer, and I could've skipped the bulk of this story and just gotten to the core body horror of it, but I would much rather show the reader these things. More than that, it gives the story room to breathe, and it allows for many more places to establish a core message, which not only builds off of the foundation but reinforces the theme. I'm extremely grateful and humbled that you think I've done so to great effect, but the artist always sees the flaws in their own work hahaha!
Oh! I'm so glad you caught the nod to Tricks Up Our Sleeves, it definitely was that hahaha! I really love slipping in little cameos, and were I not so pressed for time (which is my fault for procrastinating on the contest so much) such an appearance by Trixie would've been made and she would've been a 'little critter' as it were.
I'm also extremely glad that the little injection of philosophy I put in the story didn't feel shoehorned in. I try to put a little bit in all my works because I feel that the literary medium is a great place to slip in little messages like that. The core of this was seeking perfection vs accepting the world as perfect, which is a good debacle to have. And it is especially prudent when it comes to Rarity being trans, and wanting to pass not only for her own vanity but also as a trauma response, but also having this kind of perfectionism run contrary to self-acceptance. That is, if one only accepts themselves after jumping through so many hoops to make themselves acceptable, then the fact of the matter is, they don't accept themselves, and such perfectionism can be harmful. Quite literally.
There's so much more I could say and explore with this, but I've already feel like I've tooted my own horn to such an extent that the notes coming from the instrument have gone sour, and the listening audience has long left hahaha! I cannot thank you enough for your praise, and I will forever remember such a comment on my work. Seriously, thank you so much!
11575200
As a member of the general audience of fimfic, please do that, I hate it when stories are indirect
Oh my god I loved this so much, like, literally spent a whole afternoon devouring it I HAD to know what happened next I had to make sure my girl was okay.
This scratched two major itches for me. First is Rarity/Sunset which is legit one of my favoritest ships I can't get enough of those two. Even tho they don't have much in the way of meaningful canon interactions they have such a fun dynamic and you did a phenomenal job exploring that. I love how you present Sunset as a necessary grounding force for Rarity's dramatics, someone she can always turn to when Everything is overwhelming her and she needs a calming presence. I looooooooved the picnic scene and I'm glad you included it, their relationship is the core of the story and it demonstrates why they care about each other so much, they have such an easy chemistry the way they can just, joke around with each other and how Rairty's insecurities fade away when she's with Sunset.
The second itch this scratched was Rarity being trans, which honestly is something I've always headcanoned her as. I admit as a trans woman myself I may be projecting just a little on my fave character but, I think it was an excellent choice for this fic. It really gives an extra context for how self conscious and vain she is about her appearance in a way that deeply resonated with me. I've been in Rare's shoes, I've like obsessively checked to make sure I passed perfectly to the point of going more than a little crazy about it lol. And I love how well it ties thematically into the body horror, a woman whose meticulously controlling about her looks as much for survival as it is vanity now having it altered aganst her will. It makes me more sympathetic of Rarity's refusal to allow anyone to actually see her condition even if that was absolutely the worst choice lol.
Speaking of horror: even with all the grotesque Cronenbergian happenings the scariest moment of the whole fic for me was the flashback with Picket Fence. You sketched out what is very much a genuine Nightmare Scenario for me and likely many a trans person and I genuinely felt sick the entire time reading it to the point of tears and the relief I felt when Sunset finally swooped in to rescue her girlfriend was enormous. I'm impressed with just how quickly you made me despise Picket Fence, to the point that one of my few complaints about the fic is that he should have suffered MORE lol.
My other major issue with the story is that sometimes the tone feels, off for lack of a better word. Some of Rarity's reactions to her growing condition come off as too jokey, especially when it worsens. It undermines the threat a bit, though it wasn't a major deterrent to the fic for me. Also the reveal of JUST what was growing on Rarity again, made me legit sick excellent job with the description.
I'm sorry I know this review is all over the place I just, I really do love this fic. I haven't stopped thinking about it and it's inspired me to make even more Rarity/Sunset fics. The ending is SO sweet and so worth it after everything Rarity went through it made my heart light up. Thank you for creating it and thank you for being a source of inspiration for me, this is def in my personal top tier of Rarity/Sunset fanfics now.
After finishing this, I want to start by saying that I definitely enjoyed your story here. Though, now I better understand what you meant when you said to me "we're never given as many words as we need." I think that your story definitely could have benefited from a little extra wiggle room on the word limit, because although the pacing is fine, the story almost feels a bit... Condensed. You had a lot going on here, and not enough time to fully explore it all. I think your extravagant prose may be to blame for that, but that's also not really a bad thing either. You certainly kept me enthralled with your visceral descriptions, even if the extra flare may have been what led to the story feeling overall a bit short.
I want to point out a few things in particular that caught my attention about this. First and foremost, the body horror was exceptional. The idea in of itself was already fascinating and disturbing, but the level of detail you gave was downright sickening... In a good way. It's a sort of horror I don't do too often, but you've certainly inspired me to try a little harder with my own stories in the future. Secondly, I enjoyed your characterizations of everyone, Twilight and Twilight especially. The idea that they're both on such a similar wavelength that they unintentionally echo each other is very funny, and a nice gag that brought some levity to the situation. Lastly, I found your narrative into a trans Rarity interesting, as I've never considered her as such. Fluttershy or Twilight, maybe, but I hadn't considered Rarity. I've seen it tossed around here and there, but its inclusion did play quite well into this particular story's theme of beauty and perfection. I for one certainly understand the anxiety of not passing well enough, regardless of how many times people tell me otherwise, and I found it to be a rather relatable sting. Pun intended.
Overall, I'd say that your story and mine probably suffer from the same issue: We probably should have saved these ideas for a standalone piece, instead of relegating ourselves to the arbitrary word limit of a contest. I'd have loved to see Rarity coping with a nasty new scar, or some further exploration of her insecurities via a fever dream during her coma. Even still, I think this piece is pretty darn good, all things considered. It's appropriately mushy and foul when the situation calls for it, and I wish you all the luck in the judging!
This was a wild ride of a fic, with a rollercoaster of emotions that I very much enjoyed. From the slowly escalating horror of the main storyline to the charm of the picnic flashback to the not-charm of the Monster Mash sequence and then to the full body-horror. It does push very hard on the T rating, with some quite effectively horrific imagery. Overall, I enjoyed what you were going for here, with the Rarity’s obsession with her appearance given some harsh context in the backstory and then going so horribly awry in the present, and getting to see how the love of her girlfriend and close friends helps her overcome the disappointment of losing a potentially deeply affirming moment of her life (or did she?). It is a bit scattershot, and sometimes the tonal shifts can be a bit abrupt, but this was overall a very good experience that easily carried me along. Congrats on your Judge Prize!
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It unfortunately is bad enough that I'm still trying to figure out how to read this story even though I really want to ;_; It's just hard to hold in my brain and keep going, but I suspect I have to let *some* of that response in to have the proper impact.
I loved this story. I mean, you kind of already knew that since it was my judge prize, but the blurb I wrote doesn't express how I feel thoroughly enough. This story goes so many places, tells so much, and yet finds a way to bring it all together in the end. Seriously, it's hard for me to believe this is under 15k words.
I think the peak of this fic for me is chapter 2. The way you wrote such a cute scene and yet kept up the tension. It had me hooked. I couldn't tell if I was engrossed because the romance between Sunset and Rarity was just that cute, or if I was just anxious for the other shoe to finally drop, and that's very high praise. It's a smaller display of one of the big things this fic does right: balancing the sweet with the disgusting; bringing me back and forth between emotional extremes.
Also, as someone who used to write a bit of body horror, you do an excellent job of depicting it and expressing the feelings associated with it. So much of it is focused on the one spot on Rarity's face, yet it feels so much more gross than something that small should. I'm pretty desensitized to stuff like this most of the time, but there are several moments in this that made me wince.
There are only a couple of things about this story I'd like to critique, though. The first isn't a big thing, and it's not really so much a fault with your writing as it is an aspect of circumstances, but I feel like a lot of this would have hit even harder with a longer word count. So this isn't so much a critique as it is me saying "I wish there was more of this"
The other thing is that there's some tonal dissonance—mostly in the scenes where Rarity is picking at her face. I can tell one of the core aspects of all this is how obsessive Rarity is over her appearance (and believe me, I very intimately understand why she is in this context) but the way she treats the situation at times kind of undermines how critical and urgent what she's going through is conveyed? The descriptions you use to describe what she's going through, the pain you say she's experiencing; it hits, but when she then continues to treat something that's leaking black ichor all over the place as a normal blemish, it flies dangerously close to my suspension of disbelief.
Lastly, I love the ending. I'm very happy that, in spite of everything that happened, everything turns out fine. It would have probably been pretty easier to sell me on a bad ending, but I prefer a good ending, and you definitely sold me on it.
Thank you for writing and submitting this, I had a blast reading it.
PS I think you should have written Sunset beating Picket Fence until he was not but a fine paste.
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I've been sitting on these for some time now in search of a good way to respond to each of them individually, but so far I've been so completely enamored and humbled that I cannot. Never with any of my works has this much praise been given, or as precisely, and as such I've no clue on how to handle it hahaha! It's something completely new for me, so bear with me while I try and give my thought process for the story and the various decisions I made for it that might come off as strange.
The first and most pressing point to respond to is the tonal issues that lurk within the story's prose and the character's reactions. I want to say that I'm in complete agreement with your criticisms; the tone of Rarity as she's survived a gruesome attack and as she's literally peeling away parts of the face she prides herself in, that she's put thousands of hours into perfecting, it not lost on me. It doesn't match what happened, but I wanna explain that I did this to keep the tone somewhat elevated to not drag the story into something I did not want it to be. The constraints on me for this story were time and the rules of the contest, the latter three chapters of this fic were written in approximately a week, with the final chapter being finished on the day of the deadline. So the quality of the story, and its cohesion to itself, suffers from such a constraint. Moreover, the rules of the contest were to keep the story rated 'T', so I felt compelled to yank the story's tone upwards whenever it was straying too far.
But that's only one side of the coin for why I did this, and it's kind of a lackluster excuse. A writer with more finesse could've told the story in a better and more coherent way without straying from the 'T' rating. To the point though, while there isn't much excuse for the Picket Fence response, there are legitimate reasons I wrote Rarity's response to the blemish the way I did.
I'm autistic, and this way of thinking and interfacing with the world colors my entire perception of it, and my responses to it. Whenever I encounter adversity on that level, I tend to power through until the given task causing me strife is finished. If I'm handling a task that's particularly gross, traumatic, or violent the same applies. I simply get through it and think about it later.
This is why Rarity's response to Picket Fence's violence seems ill-fitted to the situation because it's how I would've responded to such an attack. Moreover, since I drew from personal experience to write Picket Fence, it quite literally is a mirror of how I did respond to men like him. It's also why Rarity seemed much too calm when desecrating her face, because it's how I've dealt with blisters, blemishes, and scars. This isn't to say that I wrote them exactly how I would've acted, rather, it's to say that because of my autism, it is extremely difficult for me to perceive of a different way to react, and doubly so under time constraints.
While these are only excuses, and given more time and care into my work, I could've resolved them, let this not take away or try to parry off your criticism. I still very much appreciate it, and it will help to make me a better writer. But as much as I enjoy your critique, I adore your praise. Like I said, it has left me completely disarmed for how to react, and I can do nothing but thank all three of you for such precise and sincere words. I know of no higher words to say but thank you, and that I'm overjoyed that you enjoyed this work so much!
Really delighted to have finally read this, wasn't expecting it to have such a sweet ending and honestly, I think that's harder to pull off than a darker one
Another great strength here is that you never overplay your hand, from the first chapter I was desperate to read more body horror but you keep the pace measured, and make it really pay off. The third chapter was a tough read in a great way, with the climax being particularly stomach churning. I've said before you have a great way of describing things like that in a very matter of face, uncompromising way which adds in a brilliant sense to the shock factor. The audience isn't given anything to ease the tension or unsettling imagery.
Romance was really great too, Rarity and sunset made for an incredibly sweet pairing who complimented each other nicely. Their interactions were definitely a highlight!
Lovely stuff overall, a lot like honey, creeping and oozing in one sense, sweet in another. Well done Ruby!
The horror was heightened for me because I know for a fact that there are bugs out there that can do that.