Rarity Gets Stung by a Bee.
Written for Eileen's Spring Fling Contest!
Trigger warnings: A bit of Bigotry, Trypophobia, Violence, Body Horror, and some of the sweetest romance I've put to pen.
Chapters (4)
RubyDubious
Joined 21st Mar, 2019 ·
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Bizarre and grotesque, with a surprisingly tame ending.
11571693
Thank you!! It dumbfounds me how quickly you read through it all, and I hope you enjoyed!!
11571694
I am speed.
Superb piece, I applaud the surprise trans Rarity and how you weaved it into the narrative . Take the updoot.
YOU LEFT OUT THE SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS STORY: Trypophobia (fear, disgust, or horror at clusters of holes or some kinds of clusters of holes) FOR CELESTIA'S SAKE. Please consider editing the LD accordingly.
I mean, that is a very specific thing that is very real for some people.
(But props on at least giving it cover art that hints at some of what a reader might be in for, I think?)
11571755
Hi! I figured I didn't need to include that as a spoiler since it's not really something that's in the story. I barely describe what the blemish looks like, and when I do, it is not in a way that should trigger trypophobia. I appreciate the concern, and I hope you like what you read!
11571746
ty sososo much!! I figured that having Rarity being trans would fit neatly into the overarching allegory of wanting to find self-perfection, and how such perfectionism can ultimately be against one's own interest even if they think it's advancing it! Thank you again!
So this is what it would be like if David Cronenberg wrote MLP fan fiction…Well done
Part of me was hoping for some kind of horrible body horror, like The Fly but with bees.
Regardless, I enjoyed this a whole lot. Definitely kinda weird, but the Equestrian magic angle makes it feel very cohesive. Also, Rarity and Sunset are too cute, and I always appreciate Sunset being written as kind of a smug bitch sometimes. Besides, who wouldn't be if they were her?
Also, fuck Picket Fence.
11572230
SO TRUE all my homies hate Picket Fence! Thank you for reading though! Kinda weird is what I aim for with all my stories, and I'm very happy that this one managed to be so while not compromising any quality! I'm glad you liked it! ^^
I'm only one chapter in and I'm already in love with this characterization of Rarity. The way the narration, internal thoughts or the dialogue itself follows her speech patterns and mannerisms so closely makes it hard not to read it in her own crisp transatlantic accentuated voice. The beginning especially really highlights her most vain side but not in a way that could make the character dislikeable, far from it. It exacerbates her drama queen demeanor we love to see, in a context that makes sense. Is really funny how she has her priorities straight. Not to mention her ample characterization, which we see plenty of in such a short span of words, like how she reacts to crisis, her tendency to speak with herself or how much she tries to hide her imperfections. As far as first impressions go this chapter really succeeds at selling Rarity as the main character, making her arguably worse traits into comedy fuel that makes her enjoyable to read. That's how you make 2k words of Rarity covering a facial crater entertaining and dynamic.
Having said that, I had the feeling that her over the top reactions and commentary overall clashes a little with the body horror aspect of the chapter. The way it is shown how painful it is but she sort of shrugs it off at the same time (going by her subsequent lines of dialogue I mean)? I feel this comedic aspect of her overshadows the horror aspect of the story, undermining a bit the implications and actual pain that the transformation is causing her. Considering the lack of comedy tag I was a bit taken aback by this, but take this with a grain of salt as I have only read this chapter so far and when her condition inevitably gets worse maybe the tone will shift too. So I will have to wait.
Until the next chapter. So far so good!
11572911
Oh... My goodness. I don't think I've ever received a comment as pointed or long, or even as positive as yours just now. Usually, I'm the one who leaves comments like these on others' fics, but I never could have expected to find one on my own story! I'm not really sure how to feel about it, but I definitely know that I'm grateful!
I will say, I do agree with your observation about the comedic aspects clashing with the horror and pain of the blemish, but while I recognize this, I must also remember that this is a fic written for a contest whose rules would be against indulging too far into horror and body horror. So, a lot of the writing of this story has Rarity reacting much too calmly for how I feel anyone would in this situation, it really felt like I had to keep a good hold of a leash and rein the story in lest it gets too horrifying or too gory. Regardless, I am extremely grateful for your praise, and equally as much so for your criticism! Thank you so much for reading and for this lovely comment!
11572921
As someone who always saw your earnest in depth commentary in other user's works and felt somewhat inspired by them to start doing the same, consider this a payment in kind.
As for the criticism it didn't really hinder my enjoyment of the work as much as it took me by surprise. Even without the contest limitations (which I should have taken into account first to be honest) you could get away with this as you said by chalking it up to rarity not letting pain get the best of her which is actually in character.
Expect more commentary in the next chapters. Best of luck in the contest!
11572931
Never thought that I'd tear up getting a comment, but I also never thought I'd get one so kind or inspirational. There are many words that I can say (as I'm sure you know hahaha) but I really can't say much more than thank you, and this has probably made my week.
One thing I like about this chapter is how it goes beyond just explaining the origin of her blemish, as it also showcases Sunset and Rarity being cute and gay. It was a good choice in order to develop their relationship further and set up the emotional stakes that will no doubt play their role in the future. I can say this chapter made me more invested in the story.
So far the little dialogue there was in this story was between Rarity and her mother, or Rarity and herself. Even then I already complimented Rarity's voice in this story but it wasn't until now that I can appreciate how strong the dialogue and the character voices really are. It is very casual at times the way they bring up different topics that breathes life into the characters outside the plot they are in,and their snippy remarks are delivered so naturally in the places where levity is needed. It was such a treat to see these two have a moment for themselves as more than just friends.
(As an aside, Rarity’s remark about Trixie which I took as an allusion to your other work starring her and Rarity together got a chuckle out of me.)
Saying that Sunset was Rarity’s girlfriend in the first chapter simply wouldn't cut it, and this does a stellar job at showing it. Only 1k or so words in this chapter and I can totally see how they can be an item. They don't really have a lot in common, nor does the chapter goes out of its way to show this, but that's partly why they work so well together, at least in the way you wrote it at least. Rarity being the drama queen she is could really use someone more grounded like Sunset to be her voice of reason when she goes overboard, and to pull her back to earth. She is probably one of the few who can make Rarity concede and take it easy as well as letting her guard down, which makes the way they both play each other all the more delightful.
And speaking about the former she-demon, Rarity is really lucky to have her. Not sure if this fic takes place before rainbow rocks but I'm almost entirely sure it takes place shortly after the first movie. Sunset is a perfect blend of caring and loving with some bad girl attitude lingering in there, still retaining some traits from her past self. The way she can smugly tease Rarity while at the same time make her feel accepted and pretty as well as calm her down all in a few dialogue interchanges, reminds me why I like her character so much.
Here we are starting to see further development of the thematic side of the story, and further development of Rarity’s character when we find out her philosophy behind her pursuit of perfection. Is hard to hold it against her but not because it's amusing like in the previous chapter, but because we see where she is coming from, and how much it relates to the core of her character. It is commendable her quest to make the world a more beautiful place by contributing herself, and overall how she gives her all in every other aspect according to Sunset. Element of generosity indeed. Also from what we can infer from the small discussion it sparks, it seamlessly ties into Rarity being trans, and the insecurities that could stem from this. Not to mention from what we can infer the transphobia she must have suffered. Far from stemming from narcissism and the likes of, this is a girl coming from a place of being hurt and doing her best. Makes her really inspiring in that regard, makes me kinda anxious about what is going to happen to her in the next chapters too.
It may be too soon to say this but I'm starting to feel an overarching theme of self acceptance here that seamlessly ties everything together but doesn't want to get too ahead of myself. I like where this is going, and will see what future chapters hold. Keep up the good work!
(Also a minor nitpick, but there seems to be a typo right here
)
11574752
There are a lot of times when I feel as though I have to make my story much more direct for the general audience of fimfic, as a lot of times, things like tonal consistency and establishing/paying off a thematic message go over their heads. While I have this concern and have had it in the past, reading your comments on my work is doing incredible work to dissolve such anxiety.
You are precisely right in a lot of your comment, and I agree that I could've simply said that Rarity was dating Sunset Shimmer, and I could've skipped the bulk of this story and just gotten to the core body horror of it, but I would much rather show the reader these things. More than that, it gives the story room to breathe, and it allows for many more places to establish a core message, which not only builds off of the foundation but reinforces the theme. I'm extremely grateful and humbled that you think I've done so to great effect, but the artist always sees the flaws in their own work hahaha!
Oh! I'm so glad you caught the nod to Tricks Up Our Sleeves, it definitely was that hahaha! I really love slipping in little cameos, and were I not so pressed for time (which is my fault for procrastinating on the contest so much) such an appearance by Trixie would've been made and she would've been a 'little critter' as it were.
I'm also extremely glad that the little injection of philosophy I put in the story didn't feel shoehorned in. I try to put a little bit in all my works because I feel that the literary medium is a great place to slip in little messages like that. The core of this was seeking perfection vs accepting the world as perfect, which is a good debacle to have. And it is especially prudent when it comes to Rarity being trans, and wanting to pass not only for her own vanity but also as a trauma response, but also having this kind of perfectionism run contrary to self-acceptance. That is, if one only accepts themselves after jumping through so many hoops to make themselves acceptable, then the fact of the matter is, they don't accept themselves, and such perfectionism can be harmful. Quite literally.
There's so much more I could say and explore with this, but I've already feel like I've tooted my own horn to such an extent that the notes coming from the instrument have gone sour, and the listening audience has long left hahaha! I cannot thank you enough for your praise, and I will forever remember such a comment on my work. Seriously, thank you so much!
I rarely feel this bad for a horror protagonist, this works very well
now I feel even worse she did everything right in life and then BAM
11575200
As a member of the general audience of fimfic, please do that, I hate it when stories are indirect
Oh my god I loved this so much, like, literally spent a whole afternoon devouring it I HAD to know what happened next I had to make sure my girl was okay.
This scratched two major itches for me. First is Rarity/Sunset which is legit one of my favoritest ships I can't get enough of those two. Even tho they don't have much in the way of meaningful canon interactions they have such a fun dynamic and you did a phenomenal job exploring that. I love how you present Sunset as a necessary grounding force for Rarity's dramatics, someone she can always turn to when Everything is overwhelming her and she needs a calming presence. I looooooooved the picnic scene and I'm glad you included it, their relationship is the core of the story and it demonstrates why they care about each other so much, they have such an easy chemistry the way they can just, joke around with each other and how Rairty's insecurities fade away when she's with Sunset.
The second itch this scratched was Rarity being trans, which honestly is something I've always headcanoned her as. I admit as a trans woman myself I may be projecting just a little on my fave character but, I think it was an excellent choice for this fic. It really gives an extra context for how self conscious and vain she is about her appearance in a way that deeply resonated with me. I've been in Rare's shoes, I've like obsessively checked to make sure I passed perfectly to the point of going more than a little crazy about it lol. And I love how well it ties thematically into the body horror, a woman whose meticulously controlling about her looks as much for survival as it is vanity now having it altered aganst her will. It makes me more sympathetic of Rarity's refusal to allow anyone to actually see her condition even if that was absolutely the worst choice lol.
Speaking of horror: even with all the grotesque Cronenbergian happenings the scariest moment of the whole fic for me was the flashback with Picket Fence. You sketched out what is very much a genuine Nightmare Scenario for me and likely many a trans person and I genuinely felt sick the entire time reading it to the point of tears and the relief I felt when Sunset finally swooped in to rescue her girlfriend was enormous. I'm impressed with just how quickly you made me despise Picket Fence, to the point that one of my few complaints about the fic is that he should have suffered MORE lol.
My other major issue with the story is that sometimes the tone feels, off for lack of a better word. Some of Rarity's reactions to her growing condition come off as too jokey, especially when it worsens. It undermines the threat a bit, though it wasn't a major deterrent to the fic for me. Also the reveal of JUST what was growing on Rarity again, made me legit sick excellent job with the description.
I'm sorry I know this review is all over the place I just, I really do love this fic. I haven't stopped thinking about it and it's inspired me to make even more Rarity/Sunset fics. The ending is SO sweet and so worth it after everything Rarity went through it made my heart light up. Thank you for creating it and thank you for being a source of inspiration for me, this is def in my personal top tier of Rarity/Sunset fanfics now.
i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/665/543/e40.png
As much as I am enjoying this so far, I gotta say, you definitely delivered on the horror aspect. I'm no stranger to the genre, and I've created my fair share of works to disturb and terrify, but this is... Well, I can certainly say I'd have not come up with "demonic burrowing insects that feed on vanity" on my own. This is truly vile, and I wanted to stop to applaud your creativity before I continued reading.
11585750
Hahahaha thank you! I've had the idea of this particular kind of body horror in my head for a long time now, and if you can believe it, for as horrid as this was, it's very much toned down for the contest's rules. However, I am extremely humbled that you've read through Honey, and I'm very grateful for your comment here! Vile was the aim, so as odd as it is to express gratitude for that, I'm happy that I could deliver on that front and I'm happy you're enjoying the fic! Thank you sososo much!!
After finishing this, I want to start by saying that I definitely enjoyed your story here. Though, now I better understand what you meant when you said to me "we're never given as many words as we need." I think that your story definitely could have benefited from a little extra wiggle room on the word limit, because although the pacing is fine, the story almost feels a bit... Condensed. You had a lot going on here, and not enough time to fully explore it all. I think your extravagant prose may be to blame for that, but that's also not really a bad thing either. You certainly kept me enthralled with your visceral descriptions, even if the extra flare may have been what led to the story feeling overall a bit short.
I want to point out a few things in particular that caught my attention about this. First and foremost, the body horror was exceptional. The idea in of itself was already fascinating and disturbing, but the level of detail you gave was downright sickening... In a good way. It's a sort of horror I don't do too often, but you've certainly inspired me to try a little harder with my own stories in the future. Secondly, I enjoyed your characterizations of everyone, Twilight and Twilight especially. The idea that they're both on such a similar wavelength that they unintentionally echo each other is very funny, and a nice gag that brought some levity to the situation. Lastly, I found your narrative into a trans Rarity interesting, as I've never considered her as such. Fluttershy or Twilight, maybe, but I hadn't considered Rarity. I've seen it tossed around here and there, but its inclusion did play quite well into this particular story's theme of beauty and perfection. I for one certainly understand the anxiety of not passing well enough, regardless of how many times people tell me otherwise, and I found it to be a rather relatable sting. Pun intended.
Overall, I'd say that your story and mine probably suffer from the same issue: We probably should have saved these ideas for a standalone piece, instead of relegating ourselves to the arbitrary word limit of a contest. I'd have loved to see Rarity coping with a nasty new scar, or some further exploration of her insecurities via a fever dream during her coma. Even still, I think this piece is pretty darn good, all things considered. It's appropriately mushy and foul when the situation calls for it, and I wish you all the luck in the judging!
This was a wild ride of a fic, with a rollercoaster of emotions that I very much enjoyed. From the slowly escalating horror of the main storyline to the charm of the picnic flashback to the not-charm of the Monster Mash sequence and then to the full body-horror. It does push very hard on the T rating, with some quite effectively horrific imagery. Overall, I enjoyed what you were going for here, with the Rarity’s obsession with her appearance given some harsh context in the backstory and then going so horribly awry in the present, and getting to see how the love of her girlfriend and close friends helps her overcome the disappointment of losing a potentially deeply affirming moment of her life (or did she?). It is a bit scattershot, and sometimes the tonal shifts can be a bit abrupt, but this was overall a very good experience that easily carried me along. Congrats on your Judge Prize!
11571758
It unfortunately is bad enough that I'm still trying to figure out how to read this story even though I really want to ;_; It's just hard to hold in my brain and keep going, but I suspect I have to let *some* of that response in to have the proper impact.
I loved this story. I mean, you kind of already knew that since it was my judge prize, but the blurb I wrote doesn't express how I feel thoroughly enough. This story goes so many places, tells so much, and yet finds a way to bring it all together in the end. Seriously, it's hard for me to believe this is under 15k words.
I think the peak of this fic for me is chapter 2. The way you wrote such a cute scene and yet kept up the tension. It had me hooked. I couldn't tell if I was engrossed because the romance between Sunset and Rarity was just that cute, or if I was just anxious for the other shoe to finally drop, and that's very high praise. It's a smaller display of one of the big things this fic does right: balancing the sweet with the disgusting; bringing me back and forth between emotional extremes.
Also, as someone who used to write a bit of body horror, you do an excellent job of depicting it and expressing the feelings associated with it. So much of it is focused on the one spot on Rarity's face, yet it feels so much more gross than something that small should. I'm pretty desensitized to stuff like this most of the time, but there are several moments in this that made me wince.
There are only a couple of things about this story I'd like to critique, though. The first isn't a big thing, and it's not really so much a fault with your writing as it is an aspect of circumstances, but I feel like a lot of this would have hit even harder with a longer word count. So this isn't so much a critique as it is me saying "I wish there was more of this"
The other thing is that there's some tonal dissonance—mostly in the scenes where Rarity is picking at her face. I can tell one of the core aspects of all this is how obsessive Rarity is over her appearance (and believe me, I very intimately understand why she is in this context) but the way she treats the situation at times kind of undermines how critical and urgent what she's going through is conveyed? The descriptions you use to describe what she's going through, the pain you say she's experiencing; it hits, but when she then continues to treat something that's leaking black ichor all over the place as a normal blemish, it flies dangerously close to my suspension of disbelief.
Lastly, I love the ending. I'm very happy that, in spite of everything that happened, everything turns out fine. It would have probably been pretty easier to sell me on a bad ending, but I prefer a good ending, and you definitely sold me on it.
Thank you for writing and submitting this, I had a blast reading it.
PS I think you should have written Sunset beating Picket Fence until he was not but a fine paste.
11585780
11590764
11584030
I've been sitting on these for some time now in search of a good way to respond to each of them individually, but so far I've been so completely enamored and humbled that I cannot. Never with any of my works has this much praise been given, or as precisely, and as such I've no clue on how to handle it hahaha! It's something completely new for me, so bear with me while I try and give my thought process for the story and the various decisions I made for it that might come off as strange.
The first and most pressing point to respond to is the tonal issues that lurk within the story's prose and the character's reactions. I want to say that I'm in complete agreement with your criticisms; the tone of Rarity as she's survived a gruesome attack and as she's literally peeling away parts of the face she prides herself in, that she's put thousands of hours into perfecting, it not lost on me. It doesn't match what happened, but I wanna explain that I did this to keep the tone somewhat elevated to not drag the story into something I did not want it to be. The constraints on me for this story were time and the rules of the contest, the latter three chapters of this fic were written in approximately a week, with the final chapter being finished on the day of the deadline. So the quality of the story, and its cohesion to itself, suffers from such a constraint. Moreover, the rules of the contest were to keep the story rated 'T', so I felt compelled to yank the story's tone upwards whenever it was straying too far.
But that's only one side of the coin for why I did this, and it's kind of a lackluster excuse. A writer with more finesse could've told the story in a better and more coherent way without straying from the 'T' rating. To the point though, while there isn't much excuse for the Picket Fence response, there are legitimate reasons I wrote Rarity's response to the blemish the way I did.
I'm autistic, and this way of thinking and interfacing with the world colors my entire perception of it, and my responses to it. Whenever I encounter adversity on that level, I tend to power through until the given task causing me strife is finished. If I'm handling a task that's particularly gross, traumatic, or violent the same applies. I simply get through it and think about it later.
This is why Rarity's response to Picket Fence's violence seems ill-fitted to the situation because it's how I would've responded to such an attack. Moreover, since I drew from personal experience to write Picket Fence, it quite literally is a mirror of how I did respond to men like him. It's also why Rarity seemed much too calm when desecrating her face, because it's how I've dealt with blisters, blemishes, and scars. This isn't to say that I wrote them exactly how I would've acted, rather, it's to say that because of my autism, it is extremely difficult for me to perceive of a different way to react, and doubly so under time constraints.
While these are only excuses, and given more time and care into my work, I could've resolved them, let this not take away or try to parry off your criticism. I still very much appreciate it, and it will help to make me a better writer. But as much as I enjoy your critique, I adore your praise. Like I said, it has left me completely disarmed for how to react, and I can do nothing but thank all three of you for such precise and sincere words. I know of no higher words to say but thank you, and that I'm overjoyed that you enjoyed this work so much!
Wish I had gotten around to reading this chapter earlier but my wisdom tooth had other plans.Then the other one. After that I had nobody to blame because it was just me procrastinating. Anyway, I'm here to remedy this.
You made me squirm. In another societal context this would very much not be a compliment, but here it absolutely is.
Not only the absolutely visceral descriptions which far from pulling punches it dug a knife and twisted it one paragraph at a time (seriously, they are remarkably amazing descriptions), but the horrors Rarity goes through, both mundane and otherworldly. Hard not to feel bad for her, she just can't catch her breath.
When Picket Fence was introduced I was already preparing for an uncomfortable scene. Of course, things started to get bad. Then it became worse in a way that part of me was anticipating but didn't really know to which degree. You introduced him in a way to make us familiar enough with him and establish his relationship with Rarity just to make a 180º with his character so fast and so well we couldn't even notice how quickly we changed from thinking how charming he is to absolutely despising him. For a throwaway character who fulfilled his role, he was an effective asshole.
If the first half showcased the fears of Rarity came true in a way that gives body horror a brand new, psychological meaning, the second part nailed the physical counterpart of the body horror element of the story.
During the first part the trend of going back in time and exploring more of Rarity’s character which becomes relevant in the present, continues. In this case one could even say it is a flashback of a flashback (this flashback being their date in the garden in this case), which casts that scene in a new light in retrospect. And the next one for that matter, how else would Rarity find it in herself to come up with the brilliant idea of self treating an unknown infection if she truly wasn't desperate? and how she could not be desperate if she didn't have her own reasons to be?
There is a bit of tone whiplash in a few instances of this chapter, again due to the contest limitations as already stated. Having said that, I believe you managed to walk the tightrope between too dark and too much sudden levity with good balance. Given the chemistry Sunset and Rarity have displayed in the past (future actually), i can buy Sunset cracking a badass one liner in a time like this, then acting like what an actual person would upon seeing Rarity state, and then Rarity downplaying it and even following Sunset one liner bit. A good and frankly needed breather too, after what just happened and what was yet to come. As you said, the story would become way too dark otherwise.
Be as it may, the way you can make emotions as vivid and poignant as they can be, either pain or love,how one moment I'm physically recoiling from what I'm reading and seconds later you get a chuckle from me, makes resuming reading this worth it.
As an aside, I find it interesting in its most ironic sense how rarity who in this story is in an eternal search for perfection, when she has who is described in the story as the perfect boy right in front of her at her reach ask her to be her partner for the night, she doesn't hesitate to reject him to spend time with her sister (which is possible it was an excuse). I don't want to get into this too much until my comment for the next and last chapter but this ties so neatly into the overarching theme of the story and as an almost foreshadow of its resolution it couldn't have been a coincidence. Moreover, is interesting how him being so seemingly perfect and charming on a superficial level, but zooming in a little and pardon my french, is a fucking monster. Compare this to Rarity who, very self conscious about herself, tries to mask her flaws so as not to let anyone see her “true self” in fear of people seeing her as a freak. A very fitting thematic foil and truly the most aberrant being in the story even more than any equestrian creature exotic to this world. Because vile people sadly, are very much endemic.
Really delighted to have finally read this, wasn't expecting it to have such a sweet ending and honestly, I think that's harder to pull off than a darker one
Another great strength here is that you never overplay your hand, from the first chapter I was desperate to read more body horror but you keep the pace measured, and make it really pay off. The third chapter was a tough read in a great way, with the climax being particularly stomach churning. I've said before you have a great way of describing things like that in a very matter of face, uncompromising way which adds in a brilliant sense to the shock factor. The audience isn't given anything to ease the tension or unsettling imagery.
Romance was really great too, Rarity and sunset made for an incredibly sweet pairing who complimented each other nicely. Their interactions were definitely a highlight!
Lovely stuff overall, a lot like honey, creeping and oozing in one sense, sweet in another. Well done Ruby!