Chapter 2: Hell is under new management
This wasn’t right.
At least, that was what Discord thought seeing Hell’s new state.
Strands of lights reminiscent of Hearts Warming lights coated the walls. Spheres comparable to disco balls dangled high on the ceiling. A massive banner hung over Devil’s desk that said “Welcome to Hell! Your new life begins here!” that was decorated with affectionate hearts.
And it gets stranger.
Most of the nearby pits and geysers that had been proudly blowing fire were cool and dormant. Spirits hovered over a few still-firing pits and sprayed water over them, quelling the flames that had roared nonstop for ages into a faint smolder, gradually cooling to nothingness. Other spirits were decorating the still-untouched walls with lights; a few drew smiley faces on walls, but grimaced as they drew them.
However, while most souls were, uh, busy, Starlight Glimmer simply stood in front of Devil’s desk. She gazed vacantly in one random direction after another.
“Whoa,” Discord finally spoke. “To think Twilight thought me causing chocolate to rain over Ponyville was crazy.”
Devil massaged his arms and shivered, despite the air being a comfortable temperature of a warm spring day. For everycreature but him. “Speaking of Twilight Sparkle, thanks to my clumsy assistant screwing up again, she was marked on the ‘go to Hell’ list and now she’s–”
“Okay, we now have approximately 15% of Hell's fires cooled. Things are really beginning to feel more welcoming and friendship-y.” Twilight levitated closer from the deeper trenches of Hell, carrying a checklist of such long length, most of it was trailing behind her. She examined walls, pits, buildings, and anything else she felt required checking, cheerfully nodding after each check. “We will soon be ready to move on to the construction of our first friendship school–”
“Twilight? What’s going on here?”
“Oh, hi, Discord!” Twilight floated to Discord with a welcoming smile. “I didn’t know you could visit Hell, or did you die? Because–”
‘She’s acting friendlier toward me than she did when alive. Don’t know how to feel about that,’ Discord shook himself out of his thoughts and said out loud, “Uh, no, I’m still alive and kicking.” A boot materialized over one of Discord’s feet, which foot he promptly kicked before the boot vanished from existence. “My magic just lets me visit Heaven and Hell. I was even thinking of stopping by Heaven to tell you how much Fluttershy misses–wait, forget why I’m here.” Discord pointed at Twilight and asked, “Twilight, what are you doing?”
“Well, being dead made me think and reflect. Maybe it really is never too late for even the most irredeemable villains to reform.” She pointed a proud hoof at herself, bearing a matching proud smile. “Since I’m stuck here for the foreseeable future, I thought, why not see if I can teach friendship in Hell?”
Discord blinked twice, twice. He asked plainly, “What?”
“You sound like I did when Twilight first told me about her idea in our cells,” Starlight said, voice stuffed with disbelief. “You and I are proof that villains can change, but even I have doubts about if every villain can or will do it!”
“I know it sounds ludicrous, but I want to try anyway. I can’t wait for another chance to teach Cozy Glow when she eventually comes here. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a lot more to do before the first spirit I will get to personally welcome arrives. Having infinite time is no reason for falling behind schedule!”
With a cheerful giggle, Twilight flew back into the deeper areas of Hell and resumed her, for lack of a better word, tasks.
“I’m Discord, the Lord of Chaos, and even I’m not batty enough” – Discord snapped his claws, briefly summoning baseball bats into existence – ”to comprehend this turn of events. Devil, why are you allowing that little pony to do what she pleases?”
“You think I didn’t tell her ‘Hell no?!’ But she became so fixated over her ‘idea’ while in her cell, I had to transfer most of my powers and the status of ‘Devil’ to her, just so she’d shut up!”
Discord’s head exploded in dozens of confetti–possibly the most understandable action he could have taken. His head poofed back onto his neck and he screeched, “She’s the Devil now?!”
“You heard right! Hell is now under the management of a friendship-loving nerd! I can’t call that lazy jerk upstairs because she never picks up her phone, so you gotta do something!”
“Me?” Discord laid a claw on his chest. “What can I do? Sure, I can pop to Heaven and back despite still being alive, but even my magic can't move dead souls there! Plus, after I–that is, Grogar brought Sombra back to life for a ‘while’, God arranged it so only she can revive anycreature from death!”
“Don’t try that ‘Grogar’ lie on me! I read your life info, so I know he was rea–”
“Who cares about that old goat?!” Sombra stormed to the group, growling. He wore a hat saying “friend in training.”
“Sombra? What’s with the hat?”
“It isn’t my idea, that’s what it is!” Sombra motioned upward. “Now run to Heaven and fetch God so she can rid Hell of its alicorn infestation! I can’t even mind control or kill that pest to stop her because she’s already dead! Trust me: I tried!”
“Yeah, Twilight always rose back up after ‘dying’ and Sombra’s mind control magic doesn’t work down here,” Starlight explained. “All he did to her just annoyed and made her give him longer and longer friendship speeches as a ‘punishment’.”
“And enduring them was hell! Given where we are, that should tell you something!”
“Oh, Starlight, before I forget: what do you think is a better new name for Hell?” Twilight flew back, still holding her uber-long checklist. “I’m thinking either ‘Land of Second Chances’ or ‘Home of Infinite Friendship’.”
“Uh…I don’t know if either name fits," she answered, "even with your title as ‘Devil' now.”
Twilight’s ears drooped pitifully as she frowned. “My title should be the next thing to change. It might make me seem too intimidating, not a kind ruler that is also your friend.” The anti-Devil grinned and her ears perked up. “So, I will swap my title with the one I held while alive: the Princess of Friendship. Now, are there any other ideas for Hell’s name?”
Ex-Devil moaned and slapped a hand over his forehead, willing himself not to barf. “Kill me, kill me now.”
“I, uh, don’t think ‘Kill me, kill me now’ fits with the friendship theme. Oh, but I could consider ‘Friendship, friendship now’.” Twilight faced Sombra. “Anyway, Sombra, I know you still hate me, but I could really use your help with building our friendship school. I’ll even cut more of your time in your cell if you do, so you can be free for two weeks straight.”
“Ha! Oh, of course I will assist an enemy in life with her little friendship school! I just can’t wait!” Sombra spat, his words packed with sarcasm.
“Wow, thank you! I knew you would come around to embrace friendship eventually! I will come get you after I finish its blueprint, okay?”
“WHAT?!” Sombra bellowed.
“Hehe, see you all later! I talked longer than I meant, so I’m already falling behind schedule! Oh, I should get some more coffee later, because it was good!”
Twilight again flew off. As she did, Sombra gritted his teeth, his eyes glowing a spiteful red. “This is the last straw of last straws. Make me, the proud King Sombra, build a FRIENDSHIP SCHOOL?! I think not, you annoying pain in the flank!”
The enraged ex-King lunged in the retreating Twilight’s direction, but Starlight leaped and gripped him from behind tight in her forelegs. The evil stallion flailed his legs about, yet the kind-hearted mare’s grip remained steadfast as they floated in mid-air.
What a sight this has turned out to be!
“No, it’s not worth it! All you’d do is end up suffering her longest friendship speech yet! You forgot that you literally can’t harm her?!”
“I don’t care! I gotta try something because I will not raise a hoof to help with friendship! Unhoof me, or you’re next!”
While still restraining the squirming Sombra, Starlight tapped into her inner guidance counselor and gently pleaded, “Okay, I understand that you’re angry. Believe me, I know how it feels to hate Twilight and want her to pay.”
“I doubt that, goody-goody! You’re practically her sister!”
“I may be a ‘goody-goody’ now, but if I had died a few years ago, I would have truly belonged here! However, while I now love friendship just as much as my ‘sister’, even I wouldn’t be able to take a multi-hour friendship speech from her! Please, Sombra, for your sake, be a good pony for once! I won’t tell!”
“Never!”
As Starlight and Sombra battled on, Discord stared at them, motionless. “This is chaos, but for the first time, I can’t enjoy it. It’s too ridiculous.“
“Well, get a move on then!” Ex-Devil ordered. “The sooner you get God, the sooner she can take my new boss and Starlight to Heaven! I’m getting cold!”
Discord nodded, then snapped his claws and teleported away.
Later…
“What’s taking God so long?” Ex-Devil asked, tapping a foot in impatience. He now wore a black jacket. “She better not be taking her time just for the lols!”
“I don’t know, but she better hurry. I don’t fatigue as a spirit, but I can only keep holding back Sombra for so long before I make a mistake and he–oh no you don’t!”
A lucky flail of Sombra’s legs loosed Starlight’s grip on him, but she immediately tightened it and re-gained leverage, just in time.
“Geez, mare, how are you so strong?! Unicorn mares aren’t supposed to have this much strength, dead or not!”
“Sit-ups, pull-ups, and plenty of apple tree-bucking with a friend. For the 30th time, just calm–”
With a poof, a white alicorn teleported before Starlight, the struggling Sombra, and the ex-Devil. The sight of the new alicorn calmed Sombra into becoming still.
“Wait, Princess Celestia?” Starlight raised an eyelid in confusion. “You’re God?! I thought you were just Equestria’s princess!”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought too!” Sombra turned his head around to Starlight. “Hey, strongmare, I’m calm now. Are you ever going to release me, or are you just that desperate to hug a stallion again?”
After a gasp and with a slight blush, Starlight unwrapped her forelegs from Sombra.
“Me? God? Goodness no, but I am Vice God. My main job is as a princess, but I keep my second job a secret from the living, save for Discord.”
Starlight asked, “Why?”
“Can you imagine how much ponies would worship me if they knew? They already use my name in place of ‘God’ as it is! Anyway, the true God said something came up and wanted me to fill in for her.” Celestia surveyed the “new” Hell, a puzzled frown waning on her lips. “What happened to the fires…and what is with the ‘Welcome to Hell! Your new life begins here!’ banner covered in hearts? That looks like something Twilight or Pinkie might hang if they were in charge.”
Starlight, Sombra, and Hell’s former ruler explained to Celestia what happened over the last three weeks.
“Oh.” A scowl branded itself over Celestia’s eyes. “Not wanting to rein in Twilight once she gets going is what ‘came up’ with God. That lazy jerk.” Celestia growled. She was about to search for Twilight, but a mischievous smirk curled on her lips. “You know what? Starlight, since God loaned me her powers, I’m going to bring you and Twilight back to life instead of moving you to Heaven. Reviving you without God’s permission will teach her to drop her undesirable duties on me!”
Hell’s ex-boss deadpanned, “Says the Vice God who dumped her villain-defeating work on Twili–”
The substitute God glared at the red figure, staring him in his eyes. “For the last time, that was because I knew she and her friends could do it, not because I was lazy!”
“Okay, okay, sorry.” He pointed to his, or rather, Twilight’s assistant – the clumsy cross-eyed stallion – busy at work carrying folders on his back. “Oh, while you’re at it, revive that stallion too. He’s one of the few Hell has truly mellowed, so he’ll probably qualify for the ‘Redeemed: go to Heaven list’ when he dies again.”
Celestia looked at the stallion and puzzlingly rubbed her head. “Um…that wouldn’t be a good idea. I could always claim Twilight and Starlight dying was fake news since it happened three weeks ago, but–”
“Trust me, if you really want to stick it to that big troll, revive him. Then, he can be God’s problem when he goes to Heaven and tries to be her assistant.”
The previously mentioned stallion tripped and fell. The folders and their papers on his back soared in the air, then rained down over him.
“Sorry.”
“And he does stuff like that at least twice a day.”
Celestia grinned. She wasn’t passing up this chance. “I hear you loud and clear. I’ll worry about any possible ramifications later, but there will be three resurrections today.”
After they are alive again, maybe Twilight and Starlight should lay off their spell experiments before they kill someone else by accident.
Then again, they probably won't stop. At least Derpy's going to get her granddad back!
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This is the 2 story of Twilight in hell I have readed, And I got to say that Twilight got to be the one and only thing the Devil fears
I prefer the term dedicated potential lover.
Like she’d ever show any affection to YOU Sombra.
that was funny
Oh maybe she should get moving on that special friendship curriculum for her former student and her friends!
*gasps for air* Mercy! I can't breathe! Too much... laughing!
After reading yet another case of good idea but awful everything else, and yet another comment from "white knights" defending a writer that took the lazy way out, this is exactly what I needed.
Thank you!
Oi. Dragon Ball called. They called dibs on that last one. Maybe not perfectly. But still.
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She just might be
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With how close they have gotten, I wouldn't say you're wrong, though Twi is facing stiff competition from Trixie, Sunburst, and maybe Maud.
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I liked it too.
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Twilight's reaction to Cozy whenever she shows up might be a little different than what that little adorable mastermind would expect...
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Glad you liked the story!
11331070
Glad someone finally called out that Dragon Ball reference.
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Out of all of them, Sunburst might be the only real competiton to worry about given he’s Starlight’s obsession.
Trixie annoys Starlight more often than not and Maud barely interacts with her.
What the hell have you done, Twilight?
This story was too funny for me to do anything but LAUGH😂
Poor Sombra, forced to endure those friendship speeches
Poor Ex-Devil!
Poor Princess Celestia...
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Glad you liked the story!
It's not often I feel bad for Sombra, but this is one of the times I did
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I look forward to seeing how you handle most stylish filly, when you inevitably get around to it.
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That was one of my favorite paragraphs of the whole story.
Wouldn't the Devil in Equestria be named Haydes?
I'll see myself out.
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I'm going to have to see myself out for not thinking of naming Devil "Haydes" myself!