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VilkaTheWolf
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hmmmm... first person with I clichΓ©. But It could be just me though.... Good story so far hope that other chapters will be in later on. The last part makes me remind me of this though...
Peace is a lie there is only passion, through passion I gain strength, through strength I gain power, through power I gain victory, through victory my chains are broken, the force will set me free.
Unlikable narrator narrates unlikably.
Great story
No matter what anyone says donβt give up on the story
Just to make sure, the MC is a Black and white pegasus filly with no mark and is slightly older than the CMC. Right?
At least we know the manticore will be ok, I wonder if the MC will run into the Mane 6. Looking forward to more.
11315206
...I'm pretty sure it shouldn't count as a cliche to use a first-person perspective. Like, just by default, you're kinda limited to three options there. It's okay to just dislike first-person stories(?) I suppose, but that's not a cliche.
11317360 Black and grey but yeah, and around the same age. I always saw the CMC as being 12ish.
Glad you enjoy so far. π
11317387 for my plans for this story I figured first person would work best. I might have another perspective in an omake/spin off type chapter, but it won't be a regular occurrence.
Interesting so far. Iβm excited to see more of our feral little filly!
Very intrigued by this now. I've never quite seen this kind of a feral HIE, and the interactions with Mom-icore are both heartwarming and heartbreaking, and the focus on loneliness is a neat touch too.
It does make me wonder, though. Why make the protagonist suicidal and have that be the focus of the cover and description? It gives the impression that this'll be the kind of story that's made to be overbearingly dark and edgy for no reason. The first chapter also reinforces this; it reads like a checklist of every generic angsty teenager trope.
But then... it's just dropped early into the second chapter, and it pretty much becomes a completely different (also way better) plotline. By chapter 3 I had completely forgotten that this MC had ever been suicidal or depressed to begin with. Unless it's going to come back up in later chapters (or the next one now that he's had to run away from Mama), it feels almost out of place with the other two chapters.
Main reason why I bring this up is that from the dislike ratio alone, I can tell a lot of other people have similar opinions about the cover and first chapter, but without bothering to read beyond that (If they even looked at chapter 1). I'll admit, I only read further out of morbid curiosity at how the protagonist might try to kill himself again and what it might take for the ponies to stop him. Considering that's very much not what happened, and considering how anything shown in the discussion is essentially dropped after the first chapter, I think you'd be better off at least with a different, more fitting description at the very least,
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Glad you've liked it so far. Thank you for the in depth and detailed criticism, not many people do that. I didn't want the first chapter to read like a checklist (something even I noticed), but I could never rework it enough while keeping the original amount of feelings that went into writing it. As for a better description, that is something I can work on.
Uuu I like that story!
The beginning of of a long grudge
Angel will have PTSD...or become even bigger d...
So far, so good...but I doubt this will end well. Can't wait to see where this goes next!
Canβt wait to see more of this world
Interesting
I'll follow for a bit
Monk
Looks good to me, although this could have been placed in the last chapter when Grey was reading the case file.
On another note, I'm glad I stuck around past the first couple of chapters. I wasn't too sure about this story at first, but it's definitely picking up and getting interesting. I look forward to seeing where this goes.
totally agree with the comment below, it's getting more and more interesting
11331459
Glad you're enjoying. The reason why I didn't include it in the last chapter was because Grey can't read Equestrian. Not fluently anyway.
This is really excellent but I just realised that this report is missing a description of the patient including which tribe they are.
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Oh dang, Thanks for spotting that I'll fix that.
I like this
Pegasus in greek mythology was the name of one specific horse that also had wings. It was not a species, it was an individual.
11354305
As far as I know, most suicides by hanging kill through strangulation. You need quite a drop to break the neck, about 6 feet or so. You can even hang yourself from a door handle or by using the top of a closed door.
11354305
While a noose is intended to break your neck the factors that go into it are more complex.
Depending on the length of the rope, the height of the fall, the weight of the person, and the strength of their cervical vertebrae; its entirely possible to fail in breaking the neck and only mildly damaging it leading to death by suffocation.
Yes, new chapter! Just a little question, is it really the mother manticore that died? I didn't expected her to die so soon.
11528737
Gotta add to that trauma my boi
Yeaaaaahhhhh.... gonna go ahead and blame the guards on this one. What did they expect to happen when they told the traumatized near-feral foal that they just killed the only mother she remembers having? "We hope you understand?" Really? Methinks he needs some training on how to interact with non-military ponies.
In other news, glad to see you're back! Keep up the good work!
Glad to see this is being updated!
Nice to see, that the story is still being updated. Stories like that going on hiatus out of nowhere is always... well, you know what I mean...
Thanks for the chapter
This grabbed my interest. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.π
Great Chapter keep up the great work.π
Holy shit this story took a dark ass turn.
I'm interested in more.
I feel like I'm in for a 10 chapter long physical/mental torture arc... fuck I'm not looking forward to this.
I felt sure it was going to be S.M.I.L.E. The poor kid is screwed, and I don't see how he is going to get out of this.
Monk
AH, so it's a 30s style "We can do whatever we want because there's no rules and the public just wants you out of their sight." Not that all modern facilities are perfect, but there are multiple different kinds/levels... (I edited out a whole rant about solitary, since this TECHNICALLY isn't)
Though now that I think about it, this could be an scp thing, otherwise it's going to be his own personal hell, infusing the idea that ponies are basically demons set on torturing him, only being saved by either an ACTUAL therapist, by Luna speaking to him in his dreams, or by death
I kinda hope that Grey escapes with Screwball and the two become freak-buddies.
Ah... So it is an SCP-like thing
Secure. Contain. Pray.
Donβt let the story die
Nice to see another chapter already
I feel so bad for Grey, she's so confused, sad and alone in the world, and she can't even turn to others for comfort and support. I really hope she gets a happy ending in the end, but it's still painful to watch her suffer like this. I wonder how Celestia would react if she learned about this place and its experiments, or if she even knows about it and allows it regardless. There are so many questions just waiting to be answered!
Great chapter Author, here's waiting for the next one and have a nice day
Celestia is on the shitlist for not shutting this place down.
this site needs a "Dead Dove Do Not Eat" tag
11354310
The first pegasus, crafted from a cloud.
Makes me wonder if the speech therapist knew Grey was drugged.
Half way in all I kept thinking is that the only thing Grey should ever say from then on is three words: ponies. are. evil.
That does sum up their treatment thus far: treating grey with JUST enough kindness for the bad things they do to hurt the worst, especially while saying it's for their own good...
But that's not "helpful"... According to the ponies doing the harm...