- Member Since 18th Jun, 2021
- offline last seen Aug 25th, 2023
Abremelinthemagus
Jewish Wizard with gnostic tendencies.
Abremelinthemagus
Joined 18th Jun, 2021 ·
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Interesting concept. I shall be following this, and I can't wait to see what happens next.
Hope Twi and the rest of the girls can atone for their crimes against humanity and be redeemed/saved at the end of this
Although I'll admit to being worried about (IMHO) Best Pony AJ,
And as far as I'M concerned, Celestia deserves HER fate.
Anyway, again, looking forward to the next chapter, and beyond!
10965665
im pretty sure twilight and pinkie are the ones more likely to be able to redeem themselfs and possibly help build a better world but applejack and rainbow i think are going to be in for a long while of misery. i dont know if rarity would be on either side kinda depends on what happens next for her
10965721 Definitely agree with you on all points.
And with AJ and Dash, you're likely right.
Because as much as I do love them both (and especially AJ), they (and most especially AJ!) can be two of the most STUBBORN knotheads imaginable!
As to Rarity?
Well, I'll admit she's NOT one of my faves among the Mane 6 (she ranks at #6 in the lineup), but I don' t think she's as shallow as she seems at times, and I think she may very well redeem herself before AJ and Rainbow do.
Just have to wait and see.
10965727
the reason im not sure about rarity is because im pretty sure this is the universe where her husband and unborn child where killed in the conflict so knowing celestia lied and what she did doesnt fix that but insted makes her have become attached to neither side. she seems more likely to redeem than Applejack and rainbow but she might be better off staying with fluttershy to heal
You should pass this off to an editor or use Grammarly. There's a lot of errors, run-on sentences, and paragraphs. You also need to space out the lines properly. I can't tell who was talking without straining my eyes. The overall concept is good. Having Celestia and the mane five pay for their sins as humans is a good idea.
10965731 Very good point, that.
So...Celestia is alive and has to become a human?
10965769
No bull, a lot of the grammar stuff is because the site wouldn't let me post the original version. I think it had to do with having multiple characters talk in one paragraph, which is hard when you're writing mass spirit conglomerates. Anyways, long story short I just sort of put in as many spaces as possible and hoped for the best.
You definitely need some Grammarly, but you have excellent bones here. I think this is a start to a great story, I’m curious to see where it goes.
cool story full of hatred!!! me likey
10966215
no, worse. She's now a revenant. She cannot die, she has to carry all her sins for many more years before she's allowed death
10966772
Ah...I going to check this story out. This sound's interesting.
I like the concept, but a little heavy handed. I'd suggest looking into how paragraphs are structured in other stories. It's a little hard to read dialogue when it was formed into a meatball of a paragraph.
The concept works, and I know a few people who wanted to see a story like this, but I think you need to go through a lot of editing with this chapter for reasons others people have mentioned already.
I love this so much.
The only downside I have to say is that Martin came out of nowhere at the end. How did he get out of the dungeons? And it seemed a little odd for him to tell Fluttershy, 'It's time to go home.' as the situation was more of a 'It'll be okay.' consoling type.
Other than that, amazing.
May A Cup Of Tea Always Be By You.
10965721
10965727
We've all made the joke about "wait, it's literally illegal to go around without clothes? Why did I ever live anywhere else?"
10968050 Very true.
10966772
Great idea, let's turn the once godlike xenophobic maniac ruler into an immortal, tormented vampire despised by everyone; also unquenchable thirst for blood and a top model figure by day to potentially entice prey.
I'm sure she won't become a problem in the future. Or even the equivalent to RWBY Salem.
Or, more likely, will end like this fella:
10969465
In a lot of pro human Conversion Bureau stories, even well written ones Celestia is depicted as less sympathetic than old Vlad Tepes which is freaking hilarious.
Maybe it's a lifetime of reading Anne Rice permeating my soul, but I feel more sympathy for Negotiationvsverse Celestia as an undead monster than I do as a regent.
10977898
Why the Hell should we all give damn sympathy to this evil xenophobic bitch of all poneis/people??!!
10969465
Those morons. They should kill or torture her to the sun when they have the chance. If she is still a problem ( Even with her punishment ) and STILL attacks/kill innocent humans, I gonna frickin blame the idiots that created that "punishment" in the first place.
And then I finish off Celestia with a special weapon that can destroy organic matter, and kick their asses myself for picking a rather "double edge sword" type punishment.
10977905
The thing is she doesn’t have any powers and if people see her true form they will figure out who she is also this celestia is kinda bad at manipulating creatures she is average at best also she doesn’t have a thirst for blood I think
10977969
I hope so.
10977898
Vlad is considered a hero in Romania, given he did his best (and succeeded) to protect his small territory from two nearby expansionist empires.
My only notes are that the paragraphs are too long. Try breaking them up a bit more.
Secondly, when one character is speaking, the next character shouldn't have their dialogue on the same sentence.
Things like,
Should look like,
From the sounds of it Rainbow Dash has some form of asthma, which actually does seem like a fitting punishment for her. Even with medication someone with severe asthma would never be able to match that of an average athlete (let alone one her former caliber). At first I thought she was just angry at humans, but it turns out she’s just angry at everything, she gave it everything she got and it turned out she was just another piece of board. It’s not exactly a comforting thing to learn that you’re being used in a game you don’t understand.
She’s more or less reacting like when we all go through that edgy teenager face when we kind of start learning about how the world really works. It’s often a bit of a shock to learn that a lot of your beloved after school specials were full of manure. The differences she basically lost everything trying to hang on to what she thought was right, and now she quite literally has nothing. She’s just another homeless bum, thankfully it sounds like this is the beginning of a new chapter for her.
Best chapter so far.
So the EFF is still a problem got dammit....
10982458
A contrast to the previous one. I wonder if AJ will have her own, or if she was lynched by the families of the ponies she sold to ESS.
10982506
Strangely S.M.I.LE exist too, and unrelated to the terrorist organization.
10982559
I like to think of S.M.I.L.E as being a recently centralized collective of various older groups who only operate under direct orders when Celestia calls them to attention, sort of like the various crusader organizations in regards to the Church. Some branches might take a similar view to the Knights Templars during the Albigensian Crusade and state that, "Our main war is against Dark magic and infernal planes.". This isn't to say that they wouldn't go against the war but their contributions would mostly be in research, defense and maintenance. Some of the smarter members would also realize that Celestia isn't a god, and feel some discomfort and irony towards the fact that they were now the aesexually reproducing interdimensional monsters. Something that often happened in more cloak and dagger crusader groups who would often turn towards heresy.
Love it
Seems like there still might be supporters of Celestia. Either that, or someone looking to make Celestial suffer..
For all her self-loathing, AJ still refuses to take responsability for what she did. Not even her experiences in a pony concentration camp or meeting her former victims changed that.
Loved the chapter but as this takes place on Texas, I was hoping to see an unhappy reunion with Braeburn.
11019381
Ya
Applejack only has her pride, however little remains, she can’t accept they were wrong because then she would lose that last bit of herself. It’s childish, but if the ponies were more like full fledged adults they would have seen through the war long ago. She acknowledges that something it wrong, but she doesn’t want to connect the dots.
As for the mysterious pony, I’m willing to bet they are a left over of the old regime. Honestly those kinds of people are very dangerous, because for them the war isn’t over until the enemy loses… even if they have already lost. Probably thinking the Princess if going to have a second coming or something.
11019941
AJ also acknowledges the potion "side effects" are scary enough to choose remaining as a human, no matter how much she loathes the body. Yet refuses to consider the rest of humanity may had the same problem.
11019941
Or someone who has a hell of a grudge to settle with Sunwhore. Probably not uncommon considering how many ponies Celestia and her funkiest sent to their deaths, to say nothing of ponies whose human friends got killed or mind-raped.
man Dash would probably froth and be gobsmacked that her hero is being chummy with humans. Well maybe mostly jealous
Considering that Daring is a symbol of Celestia's time and prejudice, I'm not surprised she had to use her cover. Half hoping the guilt of what history was lost makes her at least uncomfortable.
Also quite a few numbers interlayed in the story.
Honestly surprised she kept even that alias. Though I suppose given that Daring was used as major Celestia propaganda, her books are probably definitely out of print now, so not much left to associate her identities.
I didn't know this existed. Pretty cool stuff you got here.
Well it looks like Sweetie is living up to her name for her sister.
11126514
I'm writing this on a new computer which isn't the best, and for some reason the mousepad also has a number key.
11128029
Thank you for writing this story and taking the time to reply, I appreciate it.
That sounds like it might get annoying. Still other then the random numbers you are doing an amazing job.
*smacks lips*
Jesus fucking Christ
Pretty sure this goes against the spirit of the producers but you can't get her to half ass something even if it's the point. They never would've hired her in the original film, she's too good
Forgive my ignorance but was Luna transformed into a spirit. I am curious if that is what happened to her?