- Member Since 5th Jul, 2017
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Lone Writer
For softness is great and strength is worthless.
Lone Writer
Joined 5th Jul, 2017 ·
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This should be an interesting ride. Let's see where this goes.
Lets see where this leads, an interesting start to a new Fallout Equestria story
It's yer fellow writer from The Fo:E Discord Writing group. In case this gets misplaced or forgotten, I'll leave my critique here as well.
reading your prologue. It was quite good if I must say. For a short prologue, I feel as though you gave enough information to give your readers a perspective on Wildcard's behavior. Building a foundation for the personality in which Wildcard may have throughout the story unless he goes through character growth as the story progresses.
I'm not really attached to any of the other characters, however, other than knowing their names, I don't quite have a mental image of them due to a lack of character description. If they were more descriptive with the prologue I would have ascertained their image to better grasp the setting for the beginning of this story, hopefully, that gets fixed, unless these are essentially (NPC) characters that don't matter. If they do then hopefully they are better written in the future chapters to come. Since I would love to know more personally about recurring characters.
As for the setting, I'm not quite sure where they are. In a rundown house? Mentions of kitchen cabinets could either imply they are in a house or apartment. But at the end, It sounds like they resting in a house since it says how Wildcard opened a door and left. Which would be more descriptive if the shelter was in an apartment. Perhaps when starting the story both outside and inside settings can be mentioned. Further, give the reader the mental image to then have the dialogue correlate.
As for the dialogue, you have a knack for giving your character emotion, you know what you're doing, I believe so. However, when adding description within the dialogue, like an action. Sometimes it's best to place the action after the dialogue than in-between unless having it in between is compatible and doesn't disturb the flow of the dialogue is said.
For instance, when you wrote:
*“I found it in some Raider’s stash, like,” I rocked my head from side to side while trying my best to recall the memory through the thick fog in my head, “I don’t know, about a week ago?”
It'd be grammatically correct to have written: *“I found it in some Raider’s stash like I don’t know, about a week ago?” Rocking my head, side to side, trying my best to recall the memory through the thick fog in my head.
And end that particular sentence there.
Other than that, I have to say bravo! I can see potential in this story and am curious to see how chapter 1 plays out. Till then...keep up the good work.
10900860
Thank you for the advice! I'll try my best to incorporate it where I can moving forward.
10866732
10863771
Hopefully it entertains. lets see if I move you!
I am intrigued.
10901636
That's for the read! Glad you enjoyed it!
Eee!
Well hey, this was entertaining to catch up on. As I am currently working through the Metro games, those are what I can't help but envision in many of these settings, though I know that Stalker is what your story crosses over with more. You've reminded me that Shadow of Chernobyl has been installed on my PC for years now and I still have yet to play it >3<
But anyway, your fight scenes have a nice pace to them. I'm interested in learning more about Wilcard's history, what's going on with Stalliongrad and the big blue light, and also bat pone. Good fluffy bat pones are always a plus.
10983534
Glad you enjoyed it! The next few chapters should teach everyone about what's going on in the City of the Dead.
10983885
Hell yeah.
Starting with more thematic quotes than the original story really sets a different tone for how this is going to go. Though, I do believe that the second "it's" should be "its" since it is possessive. Otherwise, everything else here is intriguing. Kkat's story is definitely more focused on Littlepip and her getting her friends to go on a heroic string of quests to cleanse the wasteland. It isn't too caught up in moral shades of gray or much thought to contemplating the nature of the world that they're in. So much of Littlepip's focus on Red Eye was because she was projecting a lot of her fears onto him, while here Wildcard is clearly somepony that shows a sincere draw to his goals. The part about how in doing so he'll be neglecting that Red Eye accomplishes everything through tyranny and slavery is extremely ominous and a smart inclusion.
One thing I will admittedly miss is the perks. They have been one of the most entertaining things in each story so far, regardless of how fucked-up the actual events of the story are in the chapter.
Bruh, said tags are off.
That aside, I really enjoy the atmosphere that you've woven here. I know that you described this as being something of a multi-crossover, and while I did start to see that some elements of that appear to be coming into play, their significance isn't something I was able to grasp because I'm only familiar with Kkat's story. Though, I'm sure more will unfold as I read.
11119649
I'm extremely glad that it intrigues you. As much I love the little jokes and puns from the perks and skill acquired throughout other fics, I honestly feel like that the final punch to tell the reader what kind of story it will be. But I still may have a list what I think his perks are so where around. ;p
11119660
Thanks for pointing that out. I'm going to take another look at the said tags in my story with my editors.
On another note, I planned on slowly dipping the reader into the world and it's rules. I can't have them getting confused.
Since I'm extremely new to the Fallout Equestria sub-fandom, I've noticed that incomplete stories are the norm, as are longer times between updates. Despite this, I'm leaning towards this possibly just being me. What I've noticed is that the hint of an overarching plot that was teased in the prologue appears to have retreated for a bit. I'm sure it became something of a cliche, but the opening chapter of Kkat's story starting with the character having a clear long-term objective that strengthened over the course of the first few chapters really gave a strong sense of direction to the reader as well. The prologue is key in showing something about Wildcard that we know is going to impact him now and in the future, but the current sense of directionlessness doesn't come across as entirely intentional. For stories rooted in action and lore-heavy exploration, that could pose a problem if it drags out too much or isn't eventually shown to be intentional and have some kind of payoff for why the information was withheld during your story's initial chapters.
That said, the ability you have to build an atmosphere and keep the characters consistently engaged is really notable. I definitely want to read more and see where this will be heading. (Also, I'm surprised at how few groups this is in. No wonder it is so underrated.)
11119802
I'd certainly want to see what those might be.
11119855
Ah yeah, very few stories can pull off a constant onslaught of 30k chapters and still give a decently-paced plot.
Scavengers, Trespassers, Adventurers, Loners, Killers, Explorers and Robbers.
Gonna read this story more in a bit, its got me hooked.
11170800
Thank you and I hope you enjoy the ride!
Heya, dropping in for a comment.
I absolutely love the idea of Stalliongrad becoming part Stalker, part Metro, it really adds such a different feel compared to the usual vibe of FoE.
I think it might have been mentioned in other comments but I think the sense of time and location can get away from you sometimes, for instace, I didn't notice when Wildcard, Silver Tongue and Blitz got cut off from the others, so was a touch confused when they weren't mentioned again with everything else going on. But, that might just be me.
Otherwise, this is good, i'll keep my eyes out for the next chapter.
Now get out of here Stalker.
11191669
That's fair. Writing that section was messy to convoy. My editors and me sat around for a few days attempting to parse out how to not just to blatantly drop such a visual event. A few pre-readers were like you and didn't notice, other did. But I'm probably being going over that passage again to try and get most to see the same thing. Thanks for comment!
Lovin it
11352613
Glad to hear it!
Great chapter
Catching back up but just dropping this here to say how cool the while Miller sequence was. Its been good to read through this again to get to the new stuff.
Yay, I do enjoy when FoE stuff dabbles in the zebra mysticism side of things. And it's always fun to see an aspect of the Dealer turn up.
11478045
Glad to have you back!
11478307
hehehe... Yeah.
Awsom loving it
You're a really good writer at getting me to read outside of my genre. The steady pacing of your stories really invites the reader along for the ride. I'm familiar with effectively none of the crossover material, but the way you convey it here makes it so that I don't entirely feel lost. Also, there is one major difference between this story and Fallout: Equestria (and most major spin-offs) that is really worth mentioning. Here, the characters are experienced inhabitants of the world. All of the elements of the setting (on some level) are very normalized to them. Traditional stories following Kkat's epic usually play on both a) throwing the character into an unfamiliar setting or having them challenge it in some way or b) by extension, the Equestrian Wastelands being jarring and unfamiliar from the world that ponies are 'supposed' to inhabit. This is refreshing and different.
Enjoyable prologue! I feel for Wildcard and his situation. I do imagine there's a lot more to go. Can't help but wonder if Silver, Gage, Honey, and Blitz will come around to see his side. With so many possibilities down the line, I look forward to see how chapter 1 goes.
11617662
To be honest, I don't think you know how much a comment like this-- or any really-- mean to me. Thank you and I'm so glad you're enjoying the fiction!
11617806
:3
I like Sea Mist's introduction, this scene flows wonderfully! I like the details around how thebfigbt scene played out. Especially since it begins with Wildcard correcting the photo frame.
The detail of him hating needles is a nice touch as well! I enjoyed the overall constrast this chapter carries. I was surprised he knew Happy Hour. I hadn't expected that.
Overall, I'd say this is a successful chapter. With several weeks passing from the prologue to here, I wonder what the rest have kept busy with. Excellent characterization and world building from start to end.
This was interesting! Haki's story made me tear up...
11617869
Sadly just another stalker lost to the zone...
11617824
👉👀👉
Another excellent chapter. Happy to see some action along the way here, was wondering how Sea Mist would handle a fight. Thos chapter answered that. Not well, it appears. Sea Mists' explenation about her parents passings was very touching and I'm eager to read more on her history and stable. I do like how Wildcard keeps himself at a full arms length from any real conversation. He doesn't want to get close to anyone, and I can see why.
I am hapoy to see the variety continue as we meet our first Demon! As well as some insta-freeze forces, both are quite scary in the context of being underprepared. I also really like how you've set up the subway tunnels as probably one of the safest places in town. Can't wait for them to get to Dry Station and have a chance to really unwind a bit. Wildcard needs a breather and so does Sea Mist.
So Wildcard is Serenity. Fun twisty bit there! Happy to meet Dusk too, I do enjoy a diverse cast and a Bat pony was one I hadn't expected to see.
I smiled with him. Wonderful description.
I cry a little...
Okay. This chapter was a weighty one. It was nice to see Serenity come clean with Sea Mist, though I wish that scene had carried on a little bit. I'm sure it will come back around and we'll have more growth between them as we go, so I look forward to that.
While it wasn't a long chapter, the setting of Dry Station is humbling. All these different species all working and living together. I love the diversity on display. Wonderful job. The scraptree is a great touch for the holiday spirit. Happy Hearthwarming! (in June)
Poor Silver! I'm glad he made it. This chapter was one hell of a ride, from the bitter conversations and general debate, to the anomely rearranging all the things, all the way to the exploration of factions and Serenity's stipes. I particularly enjoyed the eeb-and-flow nature of this chapter.
The conflict coming to a head and coming to an inconclusive and abrupt end was both clever and anticipated. I knew Something would happen, but I hadn't expected sudden Stalkers. Sneaky, sneaky! I do like the moral conundrum both Serenity and Blitz encountered shortly after that.
On that note! The event which split them up was also unexpected. However, I do like when unforeseen happenings do this. It gave us the fire this chapter needed and frankly, it was nice to see what these orbs do. I would have liked knowing he had two a chapter or two ago, simply the chill remover came in quite nifty.
This chapter had a good pace it held well. A proper arc of its own that offered a good amount of developement for both Blitz and Silver Tongue. I also liked the catch up on things that occurred prior to the first chapter. The callback to Happy Hour. I suppose his fate and role in this story is concluded, so I find his name ironic. Dude was forced to give up. Gotta thank him for not becoming a complete monster and immediately executing Sea Mist.
Overall, this was a provoking chapter. I do enjoy the explorationg of Stalliongrad, being in the midst of a northern winter. I am finding this city very interesting, between the innumerable variety of annomelies from small butterflies to memorialize localized events at the point of when or whatever caused these to begin.
I do love an air of unpredictability.
Keep up the good work!
Awwww! Closure! Finally, Serenity was needing some this means we'll have more angst to come. I'm like Hoarfrosty so far, but something is off. He's got a husband and a wife... and an obsession with Serenity. I get the feeling that something will shift and we'll see this ponies other cheek. Although I suspect it will be something I least expect.
I'm enjoying the exploration and this chapter was a nice escape from the last few action packers. Excellent work with the flashback start.
I haven't much to say on thos particular chapter. There is a good amount of developement for both Serenity and Hoarfrost here though. Seeing Hoarfrosts true colors and seeing-- whatever that was in the arena. I found it interestong how well Hoarfrost remembers Serenity and how effective he is in controlling the situation. He's got plans and it's only a matter of time.
On the other hoof, I feel for Silver Tongue, but it was a touching scene. That hug! Makes my heart ache a little.
Overall, another great chapter.
The Miller was pretty crazy! The action here was awesome amd getting to explore an epicenter like this one was fantastic, althought that time skip to them returning to the tunnels felt a bit... jarring?
Eitherway, It was nice to see Serenity and Blue have a bit more growth. The ending with the mercs was pretty gripping as well.
I haven't much to say on this chapter. I enjoy the calm before the storm, this chapter provided that. Delving into the spiritual aspect of this chapter, I do find it fun to explore and now better understand Serenity's connection to them. Even though it still leaves me with questions of which other spirit has been keeping an eye on him. Giving him guidance, and saving his ass from pitfalls.
This chapter seems to be setting up something big. I loom forward to Chaos' reign.
Very solid chapter. Enjoyed the little adventure Dusk and Serenity got to go on. But really? He's NOT a Stalker? So he truly is just a compulsive liar with a heart of gold.
Poor Kaepora... Tragic end for such an interesting gal.
I did like the the end of this chapter, seeing Blue and Dusk both giving him a hastile over hos misconceptions.
Alright. This chapter was very sweet! bittersweet, too. I do hope that Serenity got through to him. Kinda hoping he doesn't go around thinking Serenity is a spirit himself.
Though, then again, I can see him ascending to becoming one in the end, that is depending on how hebdeals with Retribution.
This chapter liftsaway some ambiguities and it's nice to see that the stable dwell was actually a bit of a nerd. Big vocab and all. She seems a lot more well rounded now after only a hand full of chapters.
Serenity's character arc definently turned, and It brings me joy to see him recommuning with his brother and finding a little something to latch on to.
As for the town, to see him exploring by memories was really cool. The reminescing was a neat touch to even the flow of the chapter and give a bit of context on his kidhood. Overall, solid chapter.
Excellent
My favorite chapter so far.
The poor loaf of bread, didn't do anything wrong. Good start though.
Interesting premise to separate the group right at the start.
Damn...
What happened to story? Will you continue
11684975
Yes, nothing happened to the story so don't worry. It's just that college started up for me so I haven't found time to finish the next chapter. Sorry for any confusion.
11685098
Alright, I just wanna get as much information about the frozen north as possible