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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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It's yer fellow writer from The Fo:E Discord Writing group. In case this gets misplaced or forgotten, I'll leave my critique here as well.
reading your prologue. It was quite good if I must say. For a short prologue, I feel as though you gave enough information to give your readers a perspective on Wildcard's behavior. Building a foundation for the personality in which Wildcard may have throughout the story unless he goes through character growth as the story progresses.
I'm not really attached to any of the other characters, however, other than knowing their names, I don't quite have a mental image of them due to a lack of character description. If they were more descriptive with the prologue I would have ascertained their image to better grasp the setting for the beginning of this story, hopefully, that gets fixed, unless these are essentially (NPC) characters that don't matter. If they do then hopefully they are better written in the future chapters to come. Since I would love to know more personally about recurring characters.
As for the setting, I'm not quite sure where they are. In a rundown house? Mentions of kitchen cabinets could either imply they are in a house or apartment. But at the end, It sounds like they resting in a house since it says how Wildcard opened a door and left. Which would be more descriptive if the shelter was in an apartment. Perhaps when starting the story both outside and inside settings can be mentioned. Further, give the reader the mental image to then have the dialogue correlate.
As for the dialogue, you have a knack for giving your character emotion, you know what you're doing, I believe so. However, when adding description within the dialogue, like an action. Sometimes it's best to place the action after the dialogue than in-between unless having it in between is compatible and doesn't disturb the flow of the dialogue is said.
For instance, when you wrote:
*“I found it in some Raider’s stash, like,” I rocked my head from side to side while trying my best to recall the memory through the thick fog in my head, “I don’t know, about a week ago?”
It'd be grammatically correct to have written: *“I found it in some Raider’s stash like I don’t know, about a week ago?” Rocking my head, side to side, trying my best to recall the memory through the thick fog in my head.
And end that particular sentence there.
Other than that, I have to say bravo! I can see potential in this story and am curious to see how chapter 1 plays out. Till then...keep up the good work.
Starting with more thematic quotes than the original story really sets a different tone for how this is going to go. Though, I do believe that the second "it's" should be "its" since it is possessive. Otherwise, everything else here is intriguing. Kkat's story is definitely more focused on Littlepip and her getting her friends to go on a heroic string of quests to cleanse the wasteland. It isn't too caught up in moral shades of gray or much thought to contemplating the nature of the world that they're in. So much of Littlepip's focus on Red Eye was because she was projecting a lot of her fears onto him, while here Wildcard is clearly somepony that shows a sincere draw to his goals. The part about how in doing so he'll be neglecting that Red Eye accomplishes everything through tyranny and slavery is extremely ominous and a smart inclusion.
One thing I will admittedly miss is the perks. They have been one of the most entertaining things in each story so far, regardless of how fucked-up the actual events of the story are in the chapter.
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I'm extremely glad that it intrigues you. As much I love the little jokes and puns from the perks and skill acquired throughout other fics, I honestly feel like that the final punch to tell the reader what kind of story it will be. But I still may have a list what I think his perks are so where around. ;p
Enjoyable prologue! I feel for Wildcard and his situation. I do imagine there's a lot more to go. Can't help but wonder if Silver, Gage, Honey, and Blitz will come around to see his side. With so many possibilities down the line, I look forward to see how chapter 1 goes.
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:3
The poor loaf of bread, didn't do anything wrong. Good start though.
Interesting premise to separate the group right at the start.