Now with its own sequel! (http://www.fimfiction.net/story/62215/Hybrid-Rainbow.)
Rainbow Dash is one of the seldom few Ponies who know she's a lesbian and due to painful memories dating back to her time in High School, she plans on keeping it that way, bottling up emotions deep inside her. Unfortunately, mating season has started today and tonight's the big night: Her Wonderbolts initiation party! What is she going to do? Will she continue to keep all these turbulent feelings inside her like she has every other year? Will she be able to keep her cool in front of her idols, if not her hero, Spitfire? Will she seek help from her friends in this time of need? Will she have the courage to finally come out of the closet? And will she be able to conquer her fear of feelings and explore the eldritch, terrifying vistas of this terrible ancient power called love?
Read inside and find out!
RATING WARNING: There is no explicit sexual activity in this story. However, the dialogue gets remarkably suggestive at certain points. Viewer discretion is advised. Read it, it's funny.
Cover art by moi.
Great story so far, please continue!
Haha. Like the story so far. ^.^ You're a great writer too! No complaints. :3
Alright, so as a DashFire fan, I approve of this idea. That said there are a few areas you can improve on in order to make this story better. On a purely technical level I didn't notice any big spelling mistakes, though I believe it is Soarin not Soarin'. The apostrophe implies a contraction of his name from Soaring. Secondly, I would advise against using asterisks to or onomatopoeia to sound out an action. What I mean by that is instead of writing:
*THUD*
use something more descriptive like:
"She rolled out of bed, landing with a heavy thud on the floor"
Similarly, you don't need to write shouts in all caps like:
"NO!"
when you could:
"No!" she yelled/declared/[insert prose here]
Finally, don't be afraid to really take your time and establish scenes, characters, and relationships. A lot of people make the mistake of just rushing through the details to get to a specific scene, which leaves the whole story feeling very hollow when all is said and done. I hope this feedback helps you when you write the next chapter, and I look forward to seeing how things progress. Thumbs up for a good start.
I like it. i was just put off a little by Dash calling Scoots An annoying little runt. other than that i like.
this is entertaining, glad to see an update
I agree with mines5, you have a nice story going on.
1210431
Thanks. ^^ It still feels wanting, since I wrote the last parts of it really late at night. I suppose I'll rewrite a couple things and flesh things out a bit more...
1209982
Thank you, that really means a lot to me! So what makes it so entertaining, exactly? I'm always thirsting for feedback...
1212293
I don't honestly know, mostly just the idea of this and how you've decided to portray it
1212334
Hmmm... Tell me more.
Uh oh Spitfire is getting a little hot and I don't mean by fire! hehe
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1260204
Another great chapter, can't wait to see what happens next!
1260394
So what do you like about the story, exactly?
And now Spitfire is in heat as well...
This... Is gonna be GOOD.
I like the fact that Spitfire is in it, Spitfire x Rainbow, and that it's well written.
1260495
Thanks. ^^ Anything specific you like? Or any critique you may have?
Nothing else I can think of at the moment, just keep doing what you're doing!
1260568
Just wondering, thanks! I am an absolute feedback whore, just so you know...
1260576 The mature theme is the best part. Keep it up! I am interested to see how well Rainbow and Spitfire can hold their composure once they get close enough to each other! The urge must be strong within them and getting harder to control!
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Rainbows next dream is..
th02.deviantart.net/fs70/200H/i/2012/112/c/6/rainbow_dash_x_spitfire_by_sotoco-d4x323h.png
Which causes
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/2012/2/4/21a76e73-25c4-46c6-b2d1-a734292db873.png
Also I feel this is a attempt to make a funny romance fic so I don't for one sec see any cloppyness in it which is good. So lets see where you take this!
1266322
You just gave me a huge boost of both inspiration AND motivation! Thank you so much!
And what do you mean by "Mature?" Like in the "naughty" sense of the word or in the way the story is handled?
1266407 No no mature like in a more adult sense of humor its older humor not kiddy style. Its really good keep it up! Not naughty neither but a funny take on well.. a sexual problem they are facing. Their trying to hold their composure fighting the urge but the wall is slowly falling down and the ability to contain ones urge is rapidly getting out of control! I am anxiously awaiting the moment when it finally well..
1266556
Oh yes, indeed!
But is there any way that the story can be improved? It feels...wanting...
1266790 Well the direction your taking well.. it feels like a funny sad comedy? Like the two both have the hots for one another but are afraid of what may happen if they expose themselfs?
1266926
Yeah, pretty much. I'm not going to spoil it for you, though. But there will be some drama, lemme tell ya. But aside from that, do you have any real critique for the story?
1267219 Meh drama is fine I saw the sad tag and no I don't atm its going swell to early to say anything
Heh heh Rainbow Dash is forced to take a BATH! with another mare on top of that! Oh what have you gotten yourself into Rainbow Dash!
images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120425021304/mlp/images/thumb/d/d2/Rarity_&_Rainbow_Dash_shocked!_S2E25.png/640px-Rarity_&_Rainbow_Dash_shocked!_S2E25.png
Rarity with her OCD for cleanliness hopefully you don't try to touch this mare who's hormones she is having a very hard time trying to contain! You might get a unexpected reaction!
images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120810235627/mlp/images/thumb/f/fe/Rainbow_dash_blush_S2E08.png/640px-Rainbow_dash_blush_S2E08.png
and Derpy giving advise on love?
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/358/330/631.jpg
Oh I can't wait to see where this is going!
This can only end in tears.
Cliffhanger!
away with you accursed wait! Bring thy chapter forth or face the wrath of mine retribution!
Btw cool chapter!
Another great chapter
1289829
Thanks! What did you like about it?
1291670
The awkwardness of the situation of course! I also like the way derpy's knowledge of love is not taken
Seriously even though im certain it will prove remarkable, the characterisation is very good and the plot is very interesting! All in all i am looking forward for more!
"Is not taken?" What do you mean?
1295234
Thanks for the review! Can't wait to hear what you think of the next chapters!
Half way through Derpys yarn I was like
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Then when bronies were mentioned I was like
pinkie.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/133785553292.jpg
Poor poor derpy
At least she found love and is happy.
1295575
What do you mean, exactly?
1295598 it was just so left field really I was not expecting it from this story honestly
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1707-1318502170.png
1295680
But in a good way of course, right?
1296732
th08.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2012/159/3/a/mlp___rainbow_dash_is_psyched_by_omgklint-d52nfcu.png
Despite how titillating the mailmare's long-winded epic was, [Rainbow Dash] couldn't help but fall asleep...
Pretty much. It was a lovely and heart-warming little piece, but the fandom really makes being a Derpy/Ditzy fan with zero interest in Dr. Who challenging sometimes.
1297049
Yeah, it can... I myself have very little knowledge of Dr. Who. Never could get into it...
Murphy... I'm warning you. Don't you dare pull anything. I don't care if you have a law. I've got my eyes on you. pinkie.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/134797096758.gif
Great chapter! I liked hearing what spitfire was thinking there.
1373346
Anything else you liked? Anything specific? This is my first real fanfic, so I am begging for feedback...
1373425 Righto. Reread the chapter. You do a very good job with your descriptions. Very specific and they get the point across well. It felt like you got the emotions across really well, too. Soarin taking the opposite role, as the thinker, and helper, as opposed to the one being helped was good as well. Overall, good character development.
The part with Pinkie at the beginning was spot on, with the babbling and whatnot. Liked the party cannon explanation. Can't think of anything else at the moment.
That last line was kinda ominous though, hence my previous Murphy's Law joke.
I didn't see any big grammar issues, so no worries there, I think. Anyway, need to get to bed. Hope that helps.
1373511
It does, thank you. ^^
1373520 Glad to help.
Okay so a couple points of feedback from a fellow writer:
Spitfire hung her head straight down in shame. "Yes, Soarin'..." She said, her voice flat with guilt. "...I love her. *sigh* And not in a strictly sexual sense - I really, really, genuinely love her. Yes, I know it's inappropriate for somepony of my rank and position to have those feelings for both a brand new recruit and our biggest fan, who we've only met eleven or twelve times for two years, but..."
First off, I'd throw the E-brake on the whole "I love her" thing. You say only a couple sentences later that "we've only met eleven or twelve times for [I'd recommend changing this to 'over the last'] two years". Either way, these characters have not earned the right to say their in love yet. Setting aside the myth of love at first sight (lust yes, love no), it's a very common pitfall for new writers to fall into. I'd recommend you edit that out and let the characters work their way up to it. It will provide a better narrative flow and allow for much more interesting development than "I'm in love with someone I barely know"
Secondly; never, ever do this: "I love her. *sigh* And not in a strictly ". It's an amateur mistake, but it's easily fixed by changing the sentence to something like this: "I love her," Spitfire sighed lightly "and not in....blah blah blah"
Hopefully this isn't coming off as mean, I do like this story overall. Your descriptions are good, there's room to improve (as there is for every author) and your characterizations are solid as well, you just have some flaws that can be polished out with practice.
1375346
Thanks, man. That's a huge help. What do you think about the story itself?
1376313
I like the story overall, it's got definite promise, but it does need some refinement. If you ever need someone to bounce ideas off of and give you some advice I'm usually around when I'm not working on my own stuff.