• Published 27th Aug 2012
  • 6,497 Views, 197 Comments

Over The Rainbow - Kwisatz-Haderach



Rainbow Dash is in heat and her Wonderbolts acceptance ceremony is tonight! What will she do?

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A Derp in The Life.

"Love is a hard thing to describe. It feels good - really good, but at the same time it can feel bad when you're not with the Pony you're in love with. But from what I've heard from other Ponies is that love feels different for different Ponies, kinda like how some Ponies like radishes but hate oranges. Love is weird like that. Sometimes it feels warm, sometimes it feels tingly, sometimes it feels hot or cool or fluffy or squirmy or wiggly or sweet or sour or mushy or gooey. But you can't actually feel that physically - like on your body, since you can't touch love, but it feels like you are, only on the inside. Love is really weird like that. For me, it feels like I've got a bunch of grasshoppers in my chest, my wings feel numb, my whole body feels lighter and I feel really warm inside. Some Ponies say it feels like they have butterflies or frogs in their throats, but I don't know how they can tell if they're really butterflies and frogs or if they're just moths and toads.

I guess that's kinda weird, too.

But anyways, I still do remember the day when I first fell in love. It was six years ago, I think, with this really really cute guy named Chance, a Unicorn from the really rich part of Canterlot. He had these really lovely green eyes, a violet coat and a silky blonde mane like mine, plus an Abascu...Ab...Abacass...Cabascus...one of those weird counting thingies for a cutie mark. He was an accountant apparently, so I got the feeling he was really smart.

And really smart he was! He told me all kinds of things about the world, took me to so many fun events in Canterlot like the Grand Galloping Gala, a couple auctions, an opera or two and tickets to see the Wonderbolts racing against two other teams: The Supersonics and the Silver Bullets! He always told me how sexy I was, how sexy he was and how great he was. He really loved bragging about all the things he's done and how he managed to 'score' such a hot young mare like myself. I was 18 at the time, so yeah, maybe I was a bit young, even though he was just a year older than me. Come to think of it, he seemed to talk a lot about himself most of the time. I never felt so happy in all my life that night he took me back to his place...

But then, the night got even more better!

He made me put on this really lacy black outfit with really long socks and these weird goggles made of silk that you put over your chest. Feeling "in the mood" as he put it, I sprawled onto the bed, he climbed up onto the bed and well...heh heh...I dunno if I could tell you the rest about that part...

But the next morning, I woke up and he was gone. Turned out he wasn't in the house at all! I stepped outside and saw him on the street kicking and swearing at these two Royal Guards that were dragging him away for something called 'Larceny' or something. I think it had to do with stealing, since that fancy gold watch he always wore didn't look like it belonged to him. I was like, ten or sixty feet away from him and he never even noticed me. Then a bunch of Ponies who were watching the whole thing started whispering and pointing at me, giggling. I felt like a total idiot...I never did see Chance again....

Later that evening while running errands for Crate, I accidentally dropped the package I was carrying. Crate was mad at me, but forgave me because it was because I started feeling sick. Really, really sick. Like I was going to throw up at any moment, which I did a couple times.

He took me to the hospital and had me go in for a check-up with Dr. Caramel, which I liked, because he was a real cutie. I'd love to rut him any day... But he said it was that kind of thing that made me sick in the first place, even though tests showed that there wasn't anything wrong with me, save for my thick skull and crooked eyes. He then smiled in a really cute way and told me what was wrong with me, even though it wasn't anything wrong at all...

...I was pregnant! I was gonna have a baby! I was so happy, but at the same time, I was really nervous, too. Because Chance couldn't be a dad for my new foal and I was just living on my own, I wouldn't have had enough money to care for it, which would end up taking a big huge chunk out of my muffin budget! No wonder mom and dad always told me I should be married before I 'did it' with a stallion. This did not look good for Ms. Derpy Hooves... But luckily, Crate was nice enough to help me out with raising my baby, offering to teach me everything I know about foalcare. I thought it was so kind for him to travel all the way from his house to my apartment to help me, I gave him a biiiig hug as thanks! Well, that is until he told me that he lived in the place right below mine. And until I puked up a bit on him by accident. Oopsie.

The next nine months, the baby was growing so big, it made my belly get really really big! So much so that I kept getting tickled by the grass whenever I went to the park! How silly... The doctors eventually did some weird tests on me and told me that 'it' was in fact a 'she!' I was going to have a daughter! And a couple months later, I did! Now THAT was the happiest day of my life for sure! It was a little purple-ish pink unicorn with golden eyes and a blonde mane just like her mother, which was me, in case you didn't know. She looked so cute, so tiny and so little like a miniature version of me - a Dinky Derpy. So I decided to give her that name - thus unto the world, Dinky Hooves was born.

It was a bit of a challenge to raise a foal, but I quickly got the hang of it. Because of my klutziness, the Child Welfare Bureau of Ponyville stopped by to see if I was a danger to her or not. The very thought of harming my poor little Dinky always hurt me. Fortunately, they told me that I could not only keep her, but that I was somehow not-klutzy whenever she was around and that I was a model mother, whatever that meant! I was so proud...but at the same time, still sad that I didn't have a husband and that I heard from my best friend, Golden Harvest, that some Ponies were saying mean things about me behind my back, like that I was duped into having a baby with a guy like Chance or that I was dumb enough to abduct another child and call her Dinky. That really, really hurt me. I felt so bad, I sometimes felt like just...going away... But I would never do that, because then nopony would take care of her and everypony deserves a mommy of their own! So I didn't, just waiting for that very special somepony to one day come along and sweep me off my hooves.

And a year later, which would be last year to be precise, my wish came true.

It was a cold spring morning, grey and gloomy, and I was out delivering the mail as usual, letting Dinky sleep in my saddlebag. I was almost done with my rounds when I saw a bright flash of light over a nearby hill! It was so sudden and so strange, that I could not help but trot over there and take a closer look. What I saw was so scary, I thought my heart would stop! Thank Celestia that Dinky was a heavy sleeper or the poor thing would've had such awful nightmares!

Anyways, what I saw was really, really scary: It was a five-hoof-tall...mostly hairless...monkey-like...thing dressed in a fancy brown business suit. It looked just like those weird creatures that Lyra was always talking about - They walked upright on their hind hooves, almost-always wore shoes and yet were still part-Pony somehow. She said it was because they talked just like us and apparently called themselves "Bronies", which, on occasion, would visit our world for one reason or another. She even said that our whole race and whole world was created by a female Brony in another universe, but even she wasn't so sure about that. But let's get back on task! Anyway, it was lying face down in the dirt with big scorch marks on its back - blood was leaking from his body. What was really weird was that it looked like he walked out of this big blue outhouse before falling over and dying. It had the words "police" on it, so he must've been a detective with a really bad case of the Trots.

I was going to run and get help for the poor monster, but Dinky woke up and saw the thing. I was relieved that she was more curious than scared. She was always a little trooper. But then, something REALLY weird happened! And I mean really really REALLY weird kind of really weird! His...err...its body started glowing this really bright orange color, which was so bright that Dinky and I had to cover our eyes and stuff! And as soon as the light died down, something even weirder happened to it: it changed shape! And not just into any shape, but into that of a pony! And it was alive!

When he woke up, he was really shocked and confused, freaking out when he saw me and really freaking out when he looked at himself! He was pretty scared, too, and kept babbling about things like where Martha was and that the Daleks were coming or whatever. But above all, he was really angry and confused about being "regenerated" as a Horse, which I can't really blame him for reacting as such, since he used to be a Brony. We had a little chat and he took me into his outhouse, which turned out to be so much bigger on the inside than on the outside! And it was filled with so many cool looking gadgets and doodads! We continued our conversation, introduced ourselves and learned just who this strange stallion was:

His name was 'Doctor Who.' But since he was a pony now, I told him he should change his name to 'Doctor Whooves.' Which he so promptly did!

He took me under his wing, even though he was just an Earth Pony, as his personal companion and sidekick, along with Dinky, who was so excited by all this! I always knew my daughter was tougher than she looked. She and I were taught all about the places he's been to and all the stuff he's done, we went on death-defying adventures together, we spent time together and we eventually started getting that warm, fuzzy feeling inside us and soon started dating...and mating! He was a real hunk, lemme tell ya! Kind, funny and compassionate...he really does love me for who I am rather than how I looked. Sure, he's gotten really mad if I broke something or started pressing different buttons on his machines, but sweet Celestia, he was good with that 'instrument' of his...Tee hee!

And then one day, it hit me: love wasn't some feeling or some act or something to be made or something to be afraid of, it was an adventure! The greatest of any adventure ever, no matter how good or how bad it was! It was sweeter than a muffin and hotter than the very sun itself! And he told me that...*sniff*...it didn't matter what I looked like, what I was or even what I did with him, so long as the love I gave him was pure, consensual and honest. And even if I never see him again, I'll still love him because it's what makes the world go 'round! And if you're in love, maybe you'll be a part of that same adventure someday with your very special somepony, even after death, forever and ever! Wouldn't that be so awesome, Rainbow Dash?

Rainbow Dash?

Yoohoo, Derpy to Rainbow Dash..."

Derpy waved a hoof in front of Dash's face to get her attention, but to no avail. Despite how titillating the mailmare's long-winded epic was, she couldn't help but fall asleep from hearing such a lengthy yarn. She snored softly, sitting upright in the bathtub with her head leaning against the wall-mounted soapdish. The bubbles have dissipated and the water was now lukewarm at best, turning a thick, dark shade of burnt umber from the soil that encrusted the two from landing in Rarity's yard.

"I...think Rainbow Dash gets your point, Derpy..." Said Rarity, smiling yet another sheepish smile at the grey mare. "...Also, I think it might be a good time to dry off and get home. I have to get ready for Rainbow Dash's big event tonight!"

After Derpy said her farewells to the two and crashing straight through the front door without a single flinch, Rarity levitated the sleeping Pegasus out of the tub, dried her off and carried her off to the guest bedroom where she could have a decent nap. The Unicorn tucked her in and trotted off to greet Big Macintosh at whatever was left of the door.

As her head slowly sank into its feathery-soft cushion, Rainbow Dash stirred in her sleep, dreaming of that fiery-maned, fiery-tempered and fiery-hot mare which her heart and body craved so desperately, like a freezing mare to a flame.