Nobody Ain't Scared Of Grogar No More

by deadpansnarker

Crying Grogar Has Consequences

Twas the night before Twilight’s coronation. And all through the castle. Not a creature was stirring. Except for…

...the vassal.

“G-Gotta polish the crown. G-Gotta prepare the throne. G-Gotta hide all the quesadillas…” That was the sound of Spike the dragon flying around with wild abandonment, making sure that everything was just peachy for his best friend (and future payroll distributor).

He wasn’t alone in lending a claw, of course. All of Princess Sparkle’s friends had volunteered to help out in advance of the lavish ceremony, and right now each one was barricaded away in their temporary dwellings in Canterlot putting together their contributions for tomorrow.

For once, Twilight didn’t have to worry about a thing regarding an important engagement. Everything was being taken care of, so naturally she could take the time to relax and lay her egghead down on a fluffy pillow to get some much-needed shuteye…

...Not a bit of it. What did you honestly expect?

“E-Everyone… L-Laughing at me… N-Never live it down…” She murmured in her sleep, whilst tossing and turning madly.

The nightmare she currently experienced involved being humiliated the following day in front of a huge audience whilst giving her Big Speech…

...In just her underwear. Gasp.

The fact that the lavender insomniac often wore less than that (usually, nothing at all) seemed to have escaped her ailing brain, which frantically replayed the traumatic scenario until the poor Princess was tying herself in knots.

Thank goodness her sentimental side had suggested spending the night at her parents’ house (for old times sake) so they could tip-hoof in to disentangle the future ruler from her contorted bedsheets.

Lucky also that Shining Armour wasn’t present. If he’d seen his royal sister in such a mortifying state, he’d have been sure to tease her relentlessly about it during the revelries tomorrow.

Never mind. He could always just look at the photos Twilight Velvet snapped for the family album later!

In any case, quite away from the hustle and bustle caused by the presentation of a new monarch, black clouds were swirling in the sky around a large bluish figure with imposingly curved horns.

This was not, as any good pegasi worth their wings could tell you, an organic weather pattern.
No, this was something altogether darker, far more foreboding and evil in origin. Can’t you feel the chill from here? Brrrr!

You thought the Terrible Trio of Chrysalis, Tirek and Cozy Glow were bad? Well, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. (BTW, don’t forget to visit their statue next time you’re in Canterlot Gardens. Admission is free! Picnics cost extra.)

Mares and gentlecolts, please ‘welcome’ to the stage… Grogar The Great!

Although, possibly not so ‘great’ for an unsuspecting Twilight and her chums.

“Bwhahaha, finally I have returned!!” The most powerful and ancient sorcerer in Equestria’s long history cackled, having at long last been resurrected by some random diabolical means irrelevant to the plot. “Now to reclaim the throne, find my magical bell and seek revenge on those who defeated me! So, where’s the nearest census records? Would Gusty be under ‘G’ or her second name? Oh damn, I never could remember what it was…”

…………………………..

Rarity was very hard at work in her hotel room (now makeshift boutique) putting together the final touches to her dear alicorn friend’s glamorous gown for the ceremony in the morning.

Having learned her lesson from the disastrous first time the fashionista had made a dress to her own specifications, Twilight decided to give the unicorn free reign to be as creative and as colourful as she wanted.

The results were as dazzling as you’d expect: a lovely mauvish outfit with extra frills and an elevated train to match the wearer’s wingspan.

As much as she wanted her dear friend to look her best though, Rarity’s studied expertise for this elaborate regalia wasn’t entirely altruistic in nature.

Because it was guaranteed to go on display at the Royal Museum after the event was done and dusted, Rarity had taken special care to make sure everything looked magnificent for any future potential Carousel Boutique customer who may see her name attached to it.

After all, when she was dead and gone and Sweetie Belle had taken over the fashion empire (if she could talk her little sister out of that whole ‘singing career’ foalishness) she wanted to leave behind a clothing legacy to be proud of.

And what better way to achieve that selfless aim than by designing the centrepiece frock for a big coronation?

This is why she’d suspended the rest of her orders for the foreseeable future, so she could devote all her blood, sweat and tears to this one illustrious project.

Even if she did say so herself, it’d all been worth it.

“Ow!” She grimaced, as she put the final few stitches into the hem of the fabric. “I wish I could’ve convinced Sassy Saddles to accompany me here to help out. Why did she have to take her last bit of vacation time this week of all weeks?! So unprofessional…”

Rarity continued to bemoan her allegedly selfish apprentice, even as a barrage of grey smoke began amassing behind her. Out of the gloom Grogar confidently stepped, and seeing the unicorn working hard he gave a coarse laugh before addressing her in his trademark intimidatingly booming tones.

“Well, what do we have here then? One of the locals, I presume. Your master has returned from oblivion, young one! Bow to me now, or face the dire consequences!” Grogar’s heavy tenor shook the room, and he fully expected the weak-looking specimen in front of him to beg for mercy without any further hesitation.

Much to his obvious surprise and horror however, she did nothing of the sort. Instead, the unicorn barely glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, before rolling both and talking as though the maniacal fiend was a mere naughty colt who needed a good scolding.

“If you’re going to play that stupid game where you pretend to be somecreature else again dear, you can leave right now. Can’t you see I’m busy, you uncivilised draconequus? Also, don’t make me think there’s a fire in the room. Do you have any idea what I’d do if this darling dress ever became incinerated? W-Why… I-I’d… just die. Shame on you for putting such awful thoughts in my head! Apologise now, or forever be labelled an unprincipled cad.”

“I-I’m sorry.” Unused to being spoken to in such a demeaning manner for hundreds of years, Grogar whimpered in response. “B-But all I wanted to do was to scare you into becoming my slave, along with every other pony in this doomed kingdom which’ll soon be burnt to the ground!”

“We all have wicked thoughts sometimes dear, but we should know never to act on them. Like eating the last piece of cheesecake instead of saving it for later, for example.” Rarity seemed satisfied with Grogar’s groveling for now, and rewarded him with a beaming smile. “Now, if you truly want to make amends, please hold up that end of the material with your hoof whilst I pin the rest together. Then afterwards, if you simply must play your little games, I suggested you pay a visit to Pinkie Pie instead. She’s always up for a good giggle, and she’s in the room just next door to mine.”

“A-Alright. I’ll do just that, then.” Grogar stammered in uncertainty, as his unicorn companion worked around his cumbersome form with the greatest of care.

His first contact with the populace for eons hadn’t quite gone as he expected. This seemingly weak and feeble mare was a lot tougher than she looked, not even batting an eyelid when he’d regaled her with his deepest snarl.

I must be doing something wrong. I’m just a bit out of practice, that’s all. With this ‘Pinkie Pie’ I’ll be sure to be a lot louder and terrifying in my approach. After all, with a namby-pamby name like that, how strong could she possibly be?

……………………………..

“Hee-Hee, those poor fools never suspected a thing! Hope you like the candy canes I left for you in my mane, after all I couldn’t let my precious starve!”

Pinky Pie did not feel a bit guilty for invalidating the ‘no pets’ policy of the hotel, having snuck in her baby alligator Gummy in her head-hair without so much as a second thought.

Because naturally, his help was absolutely essential in preparing the many hundreds of thousands of wonderful balloons for tomorrow’s celebration after the crowning was complete. Pinkie had tons of puff and more to spare, but not that much.

Meanwhile, even though he’d had the same yellow balloon in his toothless mouth for the past half-hour without so much as a wheeze, Pinkie was confident the docile reptile would start blowing like the wind any second now!

It was just a question of when he was in the right mood. Honest.

“Gummy, you left one spare candy cane for me! How generous of you! But I’ll have to eat it later: this job is bigger than you and me put together, and probably the most important party we’ve ever arranged! So no more tasty distractions, and back to the… oooo! What’s that?”

Unlike her fashionista friend, Grogar’s unexpected entrance was fully observed by the awed funster, and she gazed in silent wonderment as the legendary ram stepped out of his mystical portal into her balloon-encrusted midst.

Well, what do you know. That crazy unicorn was right!” Grogar noted confidently, after fully taking stock of his surroundings. All this stupid baby stuff, a lizard with serious dental issues and no magic whatsoever to protect herself with. This’ll be a cinch, mark my words!

“Surrender now pink one, and I may yet spare your pathetic life!” This time Grogar tried the tactic of elevating his already ginormous size by roughly fifteen feet to yell at the earth pony, his reddened eyes glowing maliciously to boot. “If you refuse, I shall put you in an inescapable cell deep underground for the rest of your woebegone life, where you’ll be tortured daily with hoof clamps and red hot pokers shoved up your… what is so funny about the very real threats I am making, may I ask?!”

“Oh and what are you gonna do after that, make it pour down with chocolate rain and create cotton-candy clouds?” Pinkie Pie was on the floor creasing herself with laughter, not taken in with Grogar’s ‘posturing’ one little bit. “I know you’re a bit sore at me stealing your powers for a few seconds the other day, but I thought better of you to get revenge by doing the same thing twice! Come off it, Discord! What do you take me for, a clown? For your information mister, that’s only when I have to be, and only for giggles!”

“E-Er, sure, sure.” Grogar meekly concurred with the hysterical Pinkie, whilst reducing his body mass back to it’s usual length. “Wait, what did you just call…”

“Oops, no time to explain anything else! I’m on a very tight schedule as it is now… and your surprise visit, hil-ar-i-ous as it was, has just put me behind a few crucial minutes.” A panicking Pinkie quickly picked herself up, before desperately grabbing at uninflated balloons. “You’re gonna have to make it up to me, I’m afraid! Are you ready to face the consequences of your thoughtless actions?!”

“U-Uh, what did you have in mind?” Grogar shivered at what further horrors lay in wait. If it’s possible, this deranged pony is even more loop-de-loo than her unicorn buddy

“Why, you’ll have to…” At this point Pinkie made a big point of clearing her throat for an extended period, leaving poor Grogar flustered and flummoxed almost to the point of fainting. “...Help me blow up the rest of the balloons, silly! And keep that form you have now, you look as though you’ve got much more powerful lungs in that ugly goat facade than as your normal self.”

U-Ugly… G-Goat… If Grogar wasn’t so taken aback by Pinkie Pie’s unabashed cheek, he’d have blasted her to smithereens by now. “S-So, how do you want these things ‘blown up’, with explosive magic or…”

“Duh! Like this, of course!” Pinkie then very nicely demonstrated how to pass air between the rubber neck from the mouth, and a dumbfounded Grogar completed the process repeatedly until literally, the last gasp had left his hairy belly.

Fortunately by that point, all the balloons had been finished.

“Great!” Pinkie stared in admiration at the many differently-coloured lightly-bouncing objects around her. “Now, if you really wanna be a hero Discord ol’ pal, you could always stay for a few more seconds to help me hang out the decorations downstairs. I could stand on your ugly goat neck, and then… Discord?”

But ‘Discord’ (aka Grogar) had long since gone, having disappeared in a flash as soon as the last balloon had been tied up.

He needed peace, quiet and plenty of oxygen to get his sanity back. There would be no further world-conquering for tonight, that much was for sure.

“Tsk, what a spoilsport. Well, the squeaky ladder on wheels it is, then!” Pinkie was momentarily put off her stride, but soon recovered her zest… especially when she glanced over to see how her beloved Gummy had been getting on with his assignment.

“Oh, my! You finished the balloon, all by yourself!” An elated Pinkie sang the praises of her alligator, throwing the rubbery item on the floor with the others to give him a big smooch. “I always knew you could do it, whatever anypony else says! They just don’t watch you enough, that’s all. Now, who’s earned a big bowl of vanilla custard before their beddy-byes…?”

……………………………

This was it. A defining moment in Equestrian history. The changing of power had begun. Everycreature stay seated and try remaining calm, Twilight’s speech is about to start…

...Just as soon as her Number One Assistant can find it.

“Spike, I thought you’d taken care of this last night!” The visibly nervous alcorn gulped, upon seeing row after row of expectant faces from behind the curtain onstage. “Among all your essential duties, this had to be at the top of your list! I know this, because I made the list! That speech took me an entire week to write, and over a month to edit to under ten-thousand words! What could you have done with it?!”

“I-I have no idea, Twi! I could’ve sworn I had it with me just before my mandated by law one hour of sleep this morning!” A cringing Spike’s mind began racing back to every little thing he’d done.

“Well, it’s too late now. I’m just gonna have to ad-lib, and you know how much I hate doing that!” Twilight chewed out the dragon with an audible growl. “What do I say? What do I say?!”

“E-Erm, maybe something like: ‘This is the Twilight of a new era’…”

“Thanks, but no thanks, Spike.” The alicorn deadpanned coolly, before gently brushing him aside. “I do hope you’re going to be a little more organised when it comes to starting your new job full time. Anyway, it looks like I’ll have to wing it. Hey! That’s pretty good! Do you see? Because I have wings, and… y-yeah, I know.”

Twilight knew by Spike’s raised eyebrow that her equally bad attempt at humour was just prolonging the inevitable, so with a final nod to him she bravely stepped out onto the platform to be thoroughly cross-examined by everyone there....

...Without so much as a single word prepared to defend herself. Help.

“C-Citizens of Canterlot, and beyond…” she began, taking a swill of cold water for good measure. “I-I come to you numbly, I mean humbly, to accept the great honour you have bestowed upon me, to replace the two sissies, oops, sisters and become your new Princess.
E-Erm… t-this is the Twilight of a new era…”

Fortunately, before Twily could screw up even more (also helping her in turn escape the annoyed glares from Luna and Celestia in the audience) the entire outside area shifted to pitch black as a ominously wicked laugh made every creature wonder if the world was in danger yet again...

...Or if it was just part of the comedic farce that they’d bore witness to thus far.

“Finally! All of Equestria in my power, all in one place! How convenient for me… but how unlucky for all of you!” Having apparently overcome his attack of breathlessness from the other night, the mighty Grogar descended from the sky as menacing as you like, this time determined to put the fear of death in all those present. “So, what do you have to say for yourselves? Too scared to speak? Are you ready to be crushed under my iron hoof for all of eternity? Do you realise your days of happiness and tranquility are over? Which one of you weaklings is going to volunteer to be slaughtered first, then? Come on, I’m waiting...!”

Expecting screaming hordes trying to flee the scene (Grogar liked that, it made them easier to pick off) and desperate ponies groveling for their pathetic lives to be spared (he never did, usually zapping them where they prayed) the ruthless ram got…

...Precisely none of those anticipated reactions. The most response he received to his dire threats were a few stifled yawns and a general air of bemusement.

“Didn’t he already try this routine like... last week?” Rainbow Dash noted, distinctly unimpressed.

“More like last night, darling! I don’t normally go in for Discord’s tomfoolery, but for him to be so downright unoriginal, most disappointing.” Rarity shook her head at the draconequus’s perceived lack of new ideas.

“You need to work harder, Sugarcube.” snorted Applejack (who would know).

“Yeah! Also, why did you ditch me last night, just when things were getting heavy? You can forget about me recommending you for a job cleaning the Cakes’ bathroom now, you big meanie!” Pinkie blew a raspberry at her ‘lazy’ visitor from yesterday.

“Discord!! There’s already enough unwanted chaos going on around here, without you stirring the pot!” Twilight had clearly had enough of bad stuff happening, and regarded Grogar with the most withering of looks. “Either sit down with everycreature else, or go back to Limbo and stay there! I’ll have no tolerance for your usual nonsense today of all days, none whatsoever!”

“Well, I think you’re all being very cruel! He’s trying his best to be entertaining for the big day in the only way he knows how, and we should be encouraging his aptitude… not putting him down!” For some reason, a timid-looking yellow pegasus seemed even less worried than the others, and even flew up to meet the confounded Grogar head-on. “Sorry about my friends sweetheart, this is just a very tense day for all of us. I know you don’t mean any harm, and are just trying to add a bit of extra levity to proceedings. Even if they don’t appreciate you, I always do. Here, let me give you your reward…”

Taking him completely by surprise, Fluttershy then leaned forward to peck the blushing Grogar right on his bristly chinny-chin-chin…

...At which point the frenzied ram began screeching in agony.

“Aargh! How did you stupid ponies figure out… my one weakness… True Love’s Kiss… I’m melting! I’m melting!” The omnepresent figure of Grogar began to disintegrate in front of everycreature’s eyes as the darkened sky began clearing once more. “But, you know what? I don’t mind now. I would rather spend eternity suffering in purgatory than rule a world full of loonies and crackpots like you equines and various other lifeforms. Goodbye forever, and remember… you all need therapy. Toodles!”

When everything had returned to normal, Twilight pondered with confusion at what’d just transpired to an equally mollified Spike. “I always knew Discord was a bit of a ham, but he really outdid himself there. What was he playing at…”

“Did some pretentious Princess summon me? My ears are burning!” A glowing door suddenly opened out of nowhere, from which Discord (the real one this time) emerged, with both his lobes alight. Of course. “Sorry I’m late for the special soiree, but I was trying to get my old prep school chum The Smooze to come with me. Eventually, he decided not to. Too ‘stuck’ in his ways, I guess… hey! Why is no-one laughing, and looking at me like they’ve seen a ghost? Fluttershy… why are you pulling that face? Can somepony explain to me just what is going on here…?”

“W-Wait. If you were there… then that must’ve b-been…” A trembling Twilight was about a few seconds away from working it out, when...

“T-Twilight, thank the stars I caught you before you gave your big speech!” A huffing and puffing Starlight Glimmer galloped onstage to deliver a wad of papers to her bewildered friend. “I’m so sorry, I forgot to tell you and Spike I ‘borrowed’ them to add some optional paragraphs last night. Then I overslept thanks to being forced to watch Trixie’s magic performance rehearsals for later, and…”

“My speech!!” Twilight eagerly snatched it from her apologetic former student, and perked up straightaway. “The biggest crisis of the day is resolved at last! Now, the show can go on!”

As indeed it did. And it was an unqualified success for all.

Grogar? What's a 'Grogar'?

Author's Note:

With the site being back after a day-long break, I thought I'd celebrate the occasion with a story idea which has been bubbling away in my head for a while now. Hope you enjoyed reading it, and as always, thanks for coming.

Comments

[Misty Spell]

Grogar is Grogone.

[Linkonpark100]

No wonder nobody takes him seriously! Having a weakness like that makes him a wuss!

[deadpansnarker]

10284805
I know, it was part of the joke

[ThePinkedWonder]

I must be doing something wrong. I’m just a bit out of practice, that’s all. With this ‘Pinkie Pie’ I’ll be sure to be a lot louder and terrifying in my approach. After all, with a namby-pamby name like that, how strong could she possibly be?

Who knows: Pinkie's power is too great to be measured.

Fun story! I loved you did the narration!

[nobody495]

"Our pal Grogar is now an also-ram! Get it? I've been working on my action one-liners after we get into so many fights together, can't you tell? [...]" - Twilight

[Emperor Grogar]

10284170
DON'T BE TOO SURE!

[Emperor Grogar]

Wha....... Wha........ WHAT????!!!!!

But I...... this is.........

AND HE......

I........ I..........

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
*I begin crying and yelling and going loopy*

[Emperor Grogar]

10284805
HEY!!
Even the devil himself has feelings you know!

[Emperor Grogar]

10284925
I underestimated just how bonkers the world has gotten....

Who wants to rule this madhouse anyway....

HARUMPH!!

[Emperor Grogar]

10286030
Yep....

So many years of plotting and being feared and being brought into the new age of MLP...

And that is what i'm reduced to..... A BUCKING JOKE!

[Tirek124]

I have watched the ending of the end and I did not like how it turned out. The real Grogar should have been the true villain of season nine, not Tirek, Chrysalis and Cozy Glow! Hasbro has made Grogar a big joke! And I hate Discord for pretending to be the ancient tyrannical ram too!

[Vaguely Demented]

Might be funnier if he just said screw it and left. Good laugh though.

[Emperor Grogar]

10291390
No one hates it more than I.

[TheClownPrinceofCrime]

10291390
My thoughts exactly...