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Three hundred years before the banishment of Nightmare Moon, the world was a very different place—and some ponies lived very different lives. A pegasus who serves the gryphons of Eaglesburg is fed up with the way he and his fellow ponies are treated. But escape from the cruel gryphon overlords seems impossible, and he has little hope.

Then his grandfather tells him of a legend—a young country ruled by kind pony princesses, where pegasi, unicorns and earth ponies can live peacefully. The pegasus and his earth pony friend, along with a small unicorn filly who is in immediate danger from her gryphon masters, make a daring escape. They head north toward their only hope for freedom—the land of Equestria.

First Published
18th Aug 2012
Last Modified
29th Sep 2013

Hmm. *looks at clock* Time to read? Buck it, I have a few minutes.

Me gusta! Well worth reading :twilightsmile: Liked and fav'd, good sir!

:pinkiegasp: This is awesome! Great writing and I really like the premise, too. Continue soon plz? :duck:

But I do have to say... you chose the names Blue and Brown? Seriously? :ajbemused:

Thanks so much for the comments, guys! I went through the first chapter and made a few edits-you are right about the names. I hope I made it clearer why they are named the way they are.

I hope to have the next chapter posted within the week! Thanks again for the comments and faves! :heart:

#4 · 144w, 1d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

Ah, so the eagerly awaited second chapter has arrived! 8 stories I have yet to read on my favourites, and for some reason I skipped all of them to read this. As before, an excellent story and an excellent... story. Not many stories have me eagerly longing for another chapter, but this certainly has me hooked. Keep up the excellent work, and I'll post this on my page to try and get you some more readers! This is certainly deserving of a better fan base :scootangel:

#5 · 143w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 3 ·

I want to give this another thumb. So very badly. Keep up the amazing work :pinkiesad2:

#6 · 143w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 3 ·

This is looking really good Raneth, I can't wait to read more.

#8 · 142w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 4 ·

Whoo an update! :yay:

#9 · 141w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 4 ·

Hey all,

I'm going to take a bit of time to edit the first four chapters based on some feedback I received. This means the next chapter may take a bit longer to be released, but it also means that the story will be even better. I'll try to get new chapters out as soon as I can!

Thanks so much for reading!

#10 · 140w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 4 ·

>>1247297Saw your link on Richard Nixon's review thread and sped through it, (while I was looking at it and planning on when I should submit my own fic to his thread for review XD).  It's got a good premise, it's idea is much more original than most fics I've seen and I like it.  Although the initial narration was, only a little dry, I have to say it improved as it progressed.  The exposition and character development are quite good (though the color names do make it slightly difficult to track).  The plot was established well and the adventure takes a form akin to Barbara Smucker's Underground to Canada (which is a very good read and actually has some parallels to your fic, you should read it).

What can be done better?  Well... the story hasn't got enough chapters so I can't see where exactly you're going with this and thus I'll reserve that judgement.  One thing I can say though is that your beginning needs work.  You need to transition the readers into your world.  The first chapter is fine on it's own, but I think another chapter would help with setting the system in which ponies serve under griffins, the conditions and so forth.  Essentially more world building.  You did a pretty good job of setting the rules in the first few chapters (I like Rikarr, that bastard of a griffon), but as soon as we're somewhat getting accustomed to the idea that ponies are serving under griffins, you eject the three protagonists from the setting (add the fact Blue's parents somehow have almost no say in this and its slightly weird).  I admit, I may not be the best person to tell you to do more world-building because the EQD pre-reader who read my work mentioned my world building was a bit overdrawn :trollestia:, though that wasn't why he or she rejected it.  Still, I hope this helps a bit.  If you do want to pay it forward for the fav and comment, just read my published (or try to because it's 21 k now) and give me some feedback :pinkiehappy:  I eagerly await for more.

Yours sincerely,

vren55

P.S. You can tell that the person who disliked is probably a supercritic or a troll because I seriously find no reason to dislike this fic.  Also, update times seem to play a crucial role in getting your story more popular.  Try to figure out the break times of the big cities (new York, etc) and post your story. I think 8-11 pm CST 5 is a good time, but I've only tried that slot once so IDK.

#11 · 140w, 20h ago · · · Chapter 4 ·

>>1306966

Thanks a bunch for the review! I am going to continue editing it and writing more. I will also review your fic, although probably not until next week. I'm currently beta-reading someone else's novel, and I have about a thousand other writing and non-writing projects going on too. :derpyderp1: But expect it sometime next week!

Thanks again! :heart:

#12 · 137w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 4 ·

>>1313140... It's been 2 weeks.  UPDATE!!! WHERE IS IT???

#13 · 137w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 4 ·

>>1411080

I will update soon, I promise! Give me a month or so? I got hit with a plot bunny that turned into the other story I have here, and I have other paid writing that comes first, and grad school...but I will update this (and review your story), Pinkie Promise! :pinkiehappy:

#14 · 137w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 4 ·

>>1418344 No problemo... Wait... you get paid to write???? What do you do?

#15 · 137w, 1d ago · · · Chapter 4 ·

>>1420701

I write books which are published through an E-publisher. Very niche genre though.  I can almost guarantee you wouldn't be interested.

#16 · 137w, 1d ago · · · Chapter 4 ·

>>1425328 at least tell me the genre type.

#17 · 137w, 1d ago · · · Chapter 4 ·

>>1425609

Super secret genre

#18 · 137w, 1d ago · · · Chapter 4 ·

>>1425639 Fantasy is my genre... but not the other part sry :twilightblush:

#19 · 137w, 1d ago · · · Chapter 4 ·

>>1425654

No problem, I understand. I also write YA and more conventional fantasy and s/f, but that isn't published yet. Working on it though!

#20 · 131w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 5 ·

Woooh.... That was an exciting chapter.  You could have shown more emotion by describing maybe the seat on their backs, but it was rip-roaring good have a pinkie :pinkiehappy:

#21 · 131w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 5 ·

Yay, a new chapter! :pinkiehappy:

#22 · 131w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 5 ·

Finally! :pinkiehappy:

#23 · 125w, 1d ago · · · Chapter 5 ·

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors


Name of Story: Journey to Equestria

Grammar score out of 10: 9

Pros:

- I loved the backstory this has, it tells you just enough to get you into it, yet leaves enough out so as to get you wanting more

- Great characterisation. I could really feel for each of the characters, despite their generic names.

- The descriptions you have are extremely appealing

Cons: (I can't really find anything)

- Since the scene where the filly's mother is killed seems to impact the main character so much, you should probably flesh out the description for the death, make it linger in the reader's mind as much as it does in the character's.

- Use of hyphens (-) instead of em dash (—), even in the description. EDIT: I know you used the em dash in the other chapters, but this mistake occurred in the description and the first chapter.

Notes Section:

This story really appeals to me, it is the sort of style and genre that I love. And you've done it excellently. I really found it hard to find things that I would recommend altering, and the two that I did find were rather feeble at best. I've only read the first chapter, but I'm going to continue reading after this review. I've given it a like and a favourite, as well as a nomination for the featured fic in the Authors Helping Authors group. Kudos on such a good story.


I hope this review has been somewhat useful to you, and I would really appreciate it if you could check out my story: You're not real

Dan

#24 · 124w, 2d ago · 1 · · Chapter 5 ·

This review brought to you by A-Ha (The group, not the band.)

Name of Story: Journey to Equestria

Grammar: I don't like doing out of ten. Too arbitrary. Instead here's a percentage: 0.2% error (0.169). Mostly a few typos and really nit-picky gramar rules. Nothing that detracts from the story honestly.

Pros:

-I like the pacing. Doesn't push too fast or drag too slow.

-The prison camp feel. You captured it well.

-Descriptions are short and simple. Reminiscent of Hemingway and his simple, direct prose.

Cons:

-A few typos (Maybe something like two or three)

-You haven't uploaded anything since November. :applecry:

-I don't have enough cons

Notes:

I applaud you on a very smooth, well-written story. Yours is the first I've reviewed to score less than a percent error on grammar. Why this hasn't sparked more attention beats the hell out of me. Keep it up. I'll be watching.

#25 · 124w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 5 ·

Faved but will read and review tomorrow, I need sleep :twilightsmile:

#26 · 122w, 6d ago · · · Chapter 6 ·

oooh... This is good.  That intrigue is building up and I can't wait to see how the three sort out the diamond dogs.

#27 · 122w, 6d ago · 2 · · Chapter 6 ·

I would have read this chapter earlier, but my computer went and crashed on me. Anyway, I am loving this story thus far, the pacing seems great and this particular chapter definitely left me wanting more. Perhaps a small change could be made to when Dusk says '"Amber, your side,"' as you just used 'said', which doesn't really give the event the description it deserves. Other than that, I thought this was excellent, keep up the great work.

#28 · 122w, 6d ago · · · Chapter 6 ·

Yay, a new chapter. :twilightsmile:

#29 · 122w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 6 ·

Awesome, as always :twilightsmile:

#30 · 107w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 7 ·

An update? Finally! :pinkiehappy: :yay:

#31 · 107w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 7 ·

Yay an update!

And cool, we get to meet buffalo!

#32 · 107w, 4d ago · 2 · · Chapter 7 ·

OOOOhhhhh... YES YES YES YES YES... they're nearly there!!!!  

Awesome update and nice use of the name 'Thunderhooves"

#33 · 107w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 7 ·

An interim chapter, to be sure. But written well nonetheless; great update once more, and it's nice to see them meet something friendly for once.

#34 · 103w, 6d ago · · · Chapter 7 ·

This is a pretty interesting premise you have going on here, and it was certainly fun catching up with it. I like the characterization you have going for the main trio, and watching them escape and ultimately explore all the freedoms they had been denied while captive opens grounds for all sorts of interesting interactions and happenings. If this story is still alive, I can't wait to see what happens next, and what ultimately goes down once they reach Equestria - that should be all sorts of interesting. Not to mention the potential political implications this opens up - if they get the word to the princesses (and if they stumble upon the right people, that might happen pretty quick), that would be plenty ground for the diarchy to take steps in order to ensure the enslaved ponies are returned to their lands. Here's hoping there is more to follow.

#35 · 102w, 3d ago · 2 · · Chapter 7 ·

Wow, I can't believe I've missed this incredible story. I wish I could give you all the likes and favs, but alas I only have one of each. I will eagerly await updates in the future.:twilightsmile:

#36 · 102w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

:O This is INCREDIBLY well-executed. Will read this to the end. Absolutely deserving of its spot on EqD.

#37 · 102w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 4 ·

Plot hole: The narrative refers to Blue as "Dusk" and Brown as "Amber" BEFORE they give themselves the names proper.

Overall, this fic continues to be glorious. Sometimes I hate the size of this fandom and how people seem to completely disregard OC fics. OC fics are my favorite fics. There is room for REAL CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, something that is unavailable to fics that simply fiddle around with pre-existing characters and settings. At least, no one can do character development on a pre-established character without some idiot or twenty screeching "X IS OOC! OOC!"

#38 · 102w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

Niiccceee...

All right so we got our hero, our victim, and our heros friend! And of course the crazy old coot! Approve!

#39 · 102w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 7 ·

Congratulations for your feature Aldrigold.  You deserve it :twilightsmile::pinkiehappy::rainbowdetermined2:.  keep it up! and I cannot wait for the next chapter.

#40 · 102w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 7 ·

very very nice. Now these "Thunderhooves" friend or foe? Who knows?

#41 · 102w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 4 ·

>>2710096 Thanks for catching that, it's fixed now.

And thanks to everyone for all the comments! :pinkiehappy:

#42 · 102w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 7 ·

Awh, it's over? DX But it's so good!

:< Well, here's hoping you update soon. Been a long while since I had a good OC fic to read.

#43 · 102w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 7 ·

Interesting, and definitely worth a read. Fairly long delays between chapters though, given how short they are. Any plans for a faster update timetable now that it's made it to EQD?

#44 · 102w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 7 ·

Awesome. Keep Writing.:yay:

#45 · 102w, 1d ago · 1 · · Chapter 7 ·

>>2661728 I'll second this. :twilightsheepish:

I can see them reaching Equestria early to midway through the story, simply because of all that can be done with them being in Equestria, especially with the eventual return. I'd also love to see Greenie getting her cutie mark (and name) before Dusk and having his struggles with discovering his talent (plus being an adult without a cutie mark) being part of the plot. I can see this being a really long and involved story, or having a sequel, what with the multitude of options before you. It's quite well written too, flowing nicely. I generally notice when a story is poorly done, but nothing has reared it's ugly head, which is wonderfully refreshing.

Loving the story! I can't wait to see where it goes.:twilightsmile:

-Silver

#46 · 102w, 10h ago · · · Chapter 7 ·

Awesome! I can't wait to learn more about the thunderhooves!

:pinkiehappy:

#47 · 99w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 8 ·

Absolutely perfect in setting everything up. I've got to say, I really enjoy this story, and am really looking forward to when they first see Equestria

#48 · 99w, 4d ago · 1 · · Chapter 8 ·

Interesting - I guess that answers the question of where the Gryphon captives originated from, I had been wondering about that. I bet when the disgruntled deserters encountered the Gryphons, they wished they had stayed and attempted to live together.

Still can hardly wait for the time when our little group reaches Equestria - the reactions of the Princesses should be pretty interesting. Their ancestors might have left by choice, but the current generation being enslaved by Gryphons have done nothing wrong after all. Though seeing this is set in the past, one has to wonder whether this is taking place before or after Luna's banishment. That may well have an impact on Equestria's (and Celestia's) response as well ...

#49 · 99w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 8 ·

I love where this is going.... Please let them get there soon :fluttershysad:

#50 · 99w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 8 ·

I do love a good backstory. Nice work here, Aldrigold.

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