- Member Since 30th Apr, 2019
- offline last seen Yesterday
Anthro Fanatic
A fan of MLP, Steven Universe, Infinity Train, The Owl House, Eurovision Song Contest, Dance Dance Revolution, and BBC Sound of... longlist
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Interesting lineup
It's never too late to become a brony! Welcome to the fandom, my friend. We hope you enjoy your stay.
Story-wise, you've got me very interested. I'll be tracking this.
Welp, that got weird fast.
9616662
Thank you so much, dude! I'm sincerely touched by your words of kindness. It will take time for me to conceptualize the 2nd chapter, so I highly appreciate your patience. Brohoof to you! 👊
9615872
Glad to hear that. ✌
This is a good clop story, but the only thing that I don't like is the...non-straight parts. I'm not saying you should remove it cause there are some that likes.
9669025
I appreciate your feedback and I respect your opinion.
What is an FPN ?
9673544
FPN actually means first person narrative, but I can see that you're taking a different approach on that acronym.
9673549
I asked google, and this is what I got
9673585
When you search for acronyms or terms that only apply to writing fics or specific purposes, Google is sometimes not a reliable source.
9674173
Thank you so much for the wonderful feedback! To know that someone like you enjoyed my story really warms my heart and soul .
To tell you the truth, the songs in the 1st chapter were meant for the next chapter in my Pokemon fic called A New-Found Blaze, which you can find in FFN and is currently on a hiatus. I set those songs aside due to suffering from writer's block.
Once I took an interest in MLP, particularly NSFW fan-art and the ability of changelings to transform into whatever pony or creature they wish to be, a bunch of ideas ran through my head and that was when I decided to use those songs to conceptualize this story.
What does FPN stand for?
9688607
First person narrative
A changeling could certainly make the ultimate lover!
9739448
Oh I absolutely agree!
I stick to the belief that I write for myself first. I'm not aiming to be big or famous here. I'm just here to put out my form of self-expression. I appreciate the praise I've received over the past weeks, though I'm open to constructive criticism that would help me shape and improve as a writer. I'm not in control of everyone's tastes because everyone here is different and I respect whatever opinion you have on this story.
*Reading before clop scene* [deeply inhale] Fffffffff$#&?$%#&@^!#&CCCCKKK!!!!! *then skip to the end*
Cause. I'm. SSSSSSTTTTTRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAIIIIGGGGGHHHHHTTT!!!!
Wait a minute, i readed this in different fanfiction site
9804359
I published it first in fanfiction.net
9804364
I had been reading that thing many time and waiting for its updates, you don't know how surprise I was to realize that I'm talking to the author of the story I like.
it's a surprise I greatly enjoy.
9804368
That's awesome to hear! This is the only story that I will write here in fimfiction, though. I will only update if I have enough ideas to write another chapter.
9804374
9804377
If you want to be notified just in case I publish a new chapter, you can add me in your following list.
You will also be notified whenever I post blogs since I mostly do blog writing.
So all the wait finally paid off, a new chapter came fort to glaze our patience waiting mind. Don't worry about pleasing everyone you do what feel right to you.
Ps: I was using my phone I accidentally click post when my phone decided to be an laggy ass.
9816712
Oh, ok. I was worried about why you deleted it all of a sudden.
9816715
Worry not of me, but thank for the concern
I’ll be blunt, I’m going to give this story a shot. But seeing “ratings disabled” does not encourage me at all. In fact, I know quite a few people who wouldn’t touch this because of it.
It may be sad to see those down votes, or even see a lack of votes at all. But that is how writers improve, and helps you determine if people hate the premise, or if the story itself needs some more work.
If the former is the issue, screw them. It’s not their slice of cake. If it’s the latter, take the constructive criticism to heart and look for a friend on the site to help polish the story and make it a beauty
Just a bit of advice: You might want to reconsider disabling ratings for two reasons:
First, a lot of people sort by rating in search results or group folders, which puts "Ratings Disabled" stories at a disadvantage.
(I'm not 100% sure of the mechanism, though. I've never seen "Ratings Disabled" in group folder listings, so, assuming that's not just bad luck on my part and since I can't imagine them being omitted from "sort by ratings" entirely, it's possible that the rating widgets on the chapter pages aren't really disabled... just styled to make users think it's a waste of time to click on them.)
Second, a lot of people use a story's rating as part of their judgment on whether to give the story a chance and, when faced with, "Rating Disabled", interpret it as a terrible rating on the basis that "the author doesn't have enough confidence in this work, so why should you waste your time with it when there's a forest of competing options out there that do have ratings?".
(Given the 2000+ stories I have on my various TODO shelves, I'm one of those people who came in as a result of your story showing up in a group I follow but then took one look at the "Ratings Disabled" and decided "On second though, I've got better things to read." For contrast, I also have a tab open on a story with that "not enough ratings yet" indicator. I'll check back in on it every day or two for a week or so before making a decision.)
TL;DR: By disabling ratings, you're saying "Take my word for it. I'm good." while shifting self-consciously in a world of of competing applicants confidently shouting "I'm good. Here are my references!" I've always felt that option was a mistake that benefits nobody.
9824230
9824238
I've put the ratings back just in case you'd give it a go.
9824301
Hmm. Not a bad rating for something that combines multiple "probably turned off a few readers" kinks together in the same story. (Yaoi being the one with the highest probability of that in my experience.)
I'll take a look at it right now and give you some free feedback on anything that comes to mind.
9824348
I look forward to it.
I didn't read for detailed proofreading, since that can easily burn out my motivation to continue if I'm not careful, but here's some coverage of the first times I encountered various opportunities for improvement... and, to be perfectly honest, there's a lot of room for improvement.
This doesn't grip me as strongly as it should. I suggest opening up some of your favourite fics with similar starts and paying close attention to recurring patterns in how those authors structured their introductory paragraphs.
The most obvious problem I see is that the "I ... I ... It ..." pattern of the first two sentences is repetitive and not very gripping. The reader doesn't yet have any reason to care about you as a character, yet you're putting yourself front and centre stage twice, then following with a sentence that has an uncomfortably similar start.
A lot of people don't realize it, but there's just as much art to writing your first sentence or two as to picking your story title. Both are supposed to embody what the story's about in very condensed form. The title in hindsight, and the first sentence or two as your first taste of it.
For example, look at Xenophilia. The first sentence is "Two figures lay sprawled on the Equestrian grass, talking and laughing merrily.", priming the readers for a story that's going to be a romance first and erotic second.
...or look at Idiotcornball's Pinkie Pie's Protuberance (the funniest futa porn you'll ever read): "Pinkie bounced up and down just outside of Twilight Sparkle's bathroom door. The sound of a shower filtered through it, only to be drowned out by Pinkie's voice as she shouted into it." A bit sloppier as far as starts go, but it fits the sequel to a fic where humanized Twilight Sparkle accidentally invents a futa spell and the beginning of a chapter where Pinkie goes off on a tangent and asks Twilight if she could magic up a penis that shoots ice cream.
...or, for a worksafe example, look at the first Harry Potter book: "Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much."
...or for the ultimate in distilling it down to something short and sweet, how about the extended 1990 version of Nightfall by Isaac Asimov and Robert Silverberg: "It was a dazzling four-sun afternoon."
I'd probably have started yours with something like "It was late, I was naked, and I couldn't sleep... not that there was anything strange about that. Why not sleep naked when you live alone?" It's punchy, establishes the "It was late" first, which lends itself better to setting up a mental image quickly, and a blunt "I was naked" in the first sentence gets the reader curious. Even if you immediately explain in the following sentence, the fact that you chose to lead with that makes your character more interesting.
The other issue is in the second half of the paragraph:
It feels stilted. My advice is to try reading it out loud, as if you were a voice actor. For me, that really helps to pin down whether something would feel natural.
(Though, to be fair, you are in a bit of a quandary. In real life, someone would probably say "Reddit" or "Facebook", so "Social Media" sounds like an explicit effort to say something like "the next leading brand", but you don't want to name specific brands in your fics because that makes them age poorly. See, for example, fics that referenced MySpace or the introduction to the 20th Anniversary Edition of William Gibson's Neuromancer where he says the one thing he regrets is mentioning details which aged poorly, like the sound of the mechanical printers of the day.)
Anyway, "all I saw was" and "nothing but" feel redundant together. Likewise, you don't need the "such as". Implying it may even help to pin down a specific speech pattern in the minds of the readers.
It'd also help to tweak your verbiage to better convey the emotions involved. For example, replacing "scrolling through" with "flicking through" makes it feel less formal and helps to convey a sense of emotional disengagement and disinterest.
I might have phrased it something like this:
"I was on my phone, flicking through social media. A bombing here; A hate crime there... nothing but bad news all over the world."
Never mix tenses outside of dialogue and when in doubt, tell your story in the past tense. "An hour had passed and I kept tossing and turning."
What else would you go to Spotify on? Nothing but your phone has been established so far. "I pulled up Spotify" is how I'd have written that. Also, "created" is a bit formal. Maybe "made" or "put together".
Ok, by this point, I can definitely see why the rating isn't better. Your prose has a combination of two problems:
First, too much "telling rather than showing" and, second, padding that out with awkward phrasing.
I'm not very good at correcting other people's prose at this level, because it takes me a lot of setup to get "into the flow" (about the same amount of setup whether I'm writing a whole story or just a sample paragraph), but here's the best I can do without going through the whole song and dance, with a bit of my own behaviour sprinkled in to fill the gaps:
The fundamental problem with your prose is that it's covering surface details, but not doing a good job of communicating the thoughts, emotions, motivations, and sensations that go along with them.
There's also a sense that, with the prose about your phantasmal lover being so narratively weak, the frequent mentions of specific songs come across as distracting interlopers rather than helpful accents.
Regardless of hosting site or fandom, my experience is that authors underestimate the amount of skill it takes to pull off mentioning songs in stories.
1. They're stuff outside the normal flow of the prose, which distracts from the immersiveness of the story.
2. Most of the time, they don't carry the same emotional context for the author as for the readers (if the readers are even familiar with them), which makes them detract from rather than add to the reading experience.
3. You neglected to hyperlink the song names to YouTube videos so that the reader can start them playing as quickly and easily as possible.
4. You change songs far too frequently. (You want to try to guess at an average reader's reading speed and only introduce a new song around the time they'll probably be done the previous one. Even if they don't actually start them playing or even if they read much more quickly than average, this is a good rule of thumb.)
It's hard for me to remember an example of a good traditional song mention, because, by design, it's not the core focus on the narrative at that point, but a somewhat atypical one would be the mention of Ke$ha's Die Young in the MLP Time Loops when one of The Doctor's companions sings it for karaoke. Those lyrics and that drum beat can be reinterpreted surprisingly well as something being sung to The Doctor and, as a karaoke track, it makes sense in context.
In fact, that's sort of the problem in general. Everything changes so quickly that the reader can't really get properly engaged.
By the time Queen Chrysalis revealed herself, the story had worn out all my interest, so my only reaction to the rest of the chapter was "Yeah, sure. Whatever."
Oh, and sorry if there are any typos that I didn't catch in this response. With stories that have that "telling, not showing" problem, I tend to burn myself out on my feedback before I realize it.
9824428
Thanks for the honest feedback. The dislikes without explanation are absolutely frustrating. Your critique is just what I needed.
9824428
Well said, this story has promise, but it needs to have a second person go through and edit to address these issues
Gays and bi-s, i do despise. I did like some chapters.
I'm deeply surprise and appreciated when you mention me in your author note and see me as a friend, it's nice that i can help you out even i don't know-how i did it.
I enjoy very much of every chapter from the start to finish, even in the most steamy scene. It sad to see it end but it ends in a good note (for me that is) hope you do great with your other stories as well.
Still next time with love and good wishes
From: MaryTryne
9824428
This is the longest review I've ever seen
9824904
*chuckle* It's not the longest I've written, but I don't normally go this long for a variety of reasons.
(My longest stuff would be what I've written for stories in the Pureblood Pretense series over on Fanfiction.net (the best Harry Potter series I've ever read), where the chapters are long and engaging and, just commenting on plot details (no proofreading) easily makes my feedback so long that I have to send it in multiple PMs because Fanfiction.net only allows one review per chapter and limits you to something like 8000 characters.)
Never noticed that you put my name in the Author's Notes for special thanks until now! I'm touched that I could be of that much help to you, even if I don't know a whole lot about making a good story.
Keep being awesome, Fanatic!
Before I attempt to read this: Why so many kinks?
9972920
The kinks are used in different sex scenarios whenever a changeling transforms into another pony. The purpose is for the human to explore his sexuality with the changeling.
9972944
Alright then.
Imagine playing rip and tear or through the fires and flame😂
10103426
Heavy metal or any sort of metal doesn't fit the mood, so I have to disagree with you respectfully.
Flavorless garbage, below-average pornography, self-serving, self-insert idiocy.
I refuse to believe any part of this story was written to be taken seriously in any context whatsoever. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that it's all an overreaching joke I cannot or will not understand.
Firstly, contrary to the unending tide of Outrage I currently am, I'd like to commend you on your specific vocabulary. The sheer compendium of ridiculous comparisons you use to replace the words 'penis' and 'vagina' is astonishing. I am slightly impressed.
Unfortunately, if you were as skillful at writing as you were verbose, I wouldn't be here.
Let us begin with Grammar, 3/10, a dumpster-fire even vagrants run from.
The entire piece is a chore to read, positions are swapped with the ease of a world that runs on a solid rate of five frames per second and if the circular instructions of yours were any more confusing, I'd have given up on chapter 1.
Checklist, checklist, Aha! Vocabulary, done, Grammar, done, oh yes.
Everything else.
Split it into, four? Three? Four sounds nice.
1. Setting/Scene Change
2. Dialogue
3. Characterisation.
4.Quality
Yeah, that, should do it.
Usually I'd put a 'Storyline' section, but it's practically non-existent, so no harm no foul.
Scene Change! Or more specifically, Setting.
Perhaps the most important part of the introduction, especially given that this is essentially glorified porn masquerading as pseudo-philosophical nonsense.
Let me tell you something, you blooming meatbag, placing three sparse details and pulling random compartments out of the fucking ether, isn't good setting, it's a skeleton frame, and I'll come back to this.
Confusion, throughout this entire trip there was not a single part where I was not enthusiastically confused about what the flying chucklefuck was going on, why? Because the descriptions were as bland as could be, easily glossed over, might as well go back to first grade "The meadow was bright and sunny and grass was green and fat..." you'd get the same effect.
3/10
Dialogue, is trash.
Your dialogue is garbage, every word out of their mouths causes me physcial pain. People, do not talk like this, normal people, do not talk like this.
It's as if a single man held toys on strings and spoke through each, parading them as separate entities, oh no wait, that's exactly what it is. It's fanciful masturbation of one's own values.
I saw that poke at 'gender' it'd be
funny, if it weren't such a deliberate cry for acceptance. Honestly, writing is an exercise in hiding the strings, detaching the personality of a character from your own.
This was not an exercise, it was a single indolent step in the entirely wrong direction. Every single piece of dialogue lacked character, every single word spoken lacked agency, every single line written lacked punch, lacked spirit, lacked effect.
No meaningful occurrences were brought about by speech, no emotion was displayed using speech, no single point was made utilizing the world-given gift of speech.
And when a written piece is that stagnant, well, you'd honestly be better of having them not speaking at all.
0/10
Characterisation
Nothing.
There's nothing here.
Absolutely nothing.
Chrysalis is a marionette stand-in used so your self-insert may have intercouse with multiple women without recourse, thus unstaining your moral compass.
But therein lies the problem, this is not Crysalis. This is a puppet driven on strings you parade as Crysalis, it is her in appearance, in claim, in ability. But in characterisation? In the very things that define her as a character, that give the name "Crysalis" meaning?
Nothing.
You do nothing to build the character, you do nothing to show her progression, in any sense of the word, and you do absolutley fuck all when portraying anything other than plot-driven sexual gratification.
And even that, is miniscule.
See a pattern here?
Every single gripe I have comes from a point of insuffiency, of scarcity.
Scarcity of what, you might ask, of words, of connecting phrases, of tasteful word usage.
Of quality.
And that, is next.
1/10
Quality
Garbage, but I've said that already, haven't I?
Let me elaborate. Every single sentance is barebones, every single description is tiresome, irksome in its deficiency.
There is no easy way to say this, you lack everything. Proper punctuation, proper sentance structure, imaginitive descriptions, actual fucking comparisons that don't equate to the insuffiency swapping of singular words. A skeleton frame with tendons is what you have created.
You condense entire details, entire scenes into three or four words, over and over again, you portray expression and passion with such emotive numbness, with such wanton disregard for the very poetic nature of depicting concupiscence that the existence of this piece is a crime onto the art.
The attempt to hide behind songs, behind vapid works of vaunted idols and constructed pieces of sensationalist trite, to shroud oneself within the thin veils of masqueraded amentia and pretend their meaning is yours? Meanings which apply naught to this story, fables with naught to your tale of nothing, do you truely intend to mock your prate stars so?
Its disrespectful, for one with no understanding of the written word to claim themselves some great illustrator of tarradiddle, only for their work to be none but a chronicle of gratuitous ruin? Such a thing angers me beyond simple words, yet I regale it regardless.
This piece of nothing, the world built on sticks which came from naught. The understanding of the world, is never expanded. Never hinted. The progression of characters, is never stated nor explored, it is quite literally "Kidnap bad, sex gud" "I old" "I young" "I change"
That is your so called 'progression', don't believe me? Skip. To chapter 2, run to the end, I assure you it's almost identical. Just as bland, just as lazy, just as uninspired.
You wrote porn, you wanted to write pornography, self-gratifying pornography to scratch some itch you seemingly had for the Wattpad originated genre of 'Songfics', but don't you bloody dare feign substance where there specifically is none.
It's, vapid and a mark of, not even an amateur, it's a mark of the uneducated, not by choice, but by ignorance.
A nock detailing a lack of agency, of unwillingness to learn, to adapt and to conform to common decency, to common standard.
Thus, it's nothing but faults, empty, tasteless faults that are frankly a chore to read, a vexation to understand and a personalized mark of wasted time if I have ever seen it.
And at this point, this isn't even hot garbage, it's frigid shit.
2/10
To conclude:
Storyline: -¿/10
Grammar: 3/10
Dialogue: 0/10
Characterisation: 1/10
Quality: 2/10
Overall Rating: 1/10
"A botheration to read for anything past its niche hedonism"
An Edit, for Jamin. P. Rose
I went through exquisite pains to properly, actually critique the lean faults this story had while retaining my mortal ravish.
I will not be insulted by one who does not understand the meaning of their own words, nor the words of others, nor a coward who uses straw-men to validate discrimination against those who do not share their their notions.
What you just performed, was an empty attempt at a personal attack.
Perhaps you should peruse those rules yourself.
An Edit for GamerDroid23
My spelling is immaculate. I have, however, surrendered grammatical structure in order to construct a literary flow. I do not regret doing so.
An Edit for The Blue EM2
C1:
Par from your criticism of basic vocabulary usage, I honestly understood nothing.
C2:
You said it yourself, my vocabulary is simply the second cousin of its more popular counterparts, which I usually used prior, thus easier to understand due to naught but quantity.
There's nothing pretentious about lacking repetition.