• Published 11th May 2019
  • 6,823 Views, 63 Comments

The Alternating Mare of Love and Lust - Anthro Fanatic



A human and a pony share a tender and amorous moment together while music is playing on the phone. Things get heated up as they explore one another's venereal interests.

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Comments ( 25 )

I’ll be blunt, I’m going to give this story a shot. But seeing β€œratings disabled” does not encourage me at all. In fact, I know quite a few people who wouldn’t touch this because of it.

It may be sad to see those down votes, or even see a lack of votes at all. But that is how writers improve, and helps you determine if people hate the premise, or if the story itself needs some more work.

If the former is the issue, screw them. It’s not their slice of cake. If it’s the latter, take the constructive criticism to heart and look for a friend on the site to help polish the story and make it a beauty

Just a bit of advice: You might want to reconsider disabling ratings for two reasons:

First, a lot of people sort by rating in search results or group folders, which puts "Ratings Disabled" stories at a disadvantage.

(I'm not 100% sure of the mechanism, though. I've never seen "Ratings Disabled" in group folder listings, so, assuming that's not just bad luck on my part and since I can't imagine them being omitted from "sort by ratings" entirely, it's possible that the rating widgets on the chapter pages aren't really disabled... just styled to make users think it's a waste of time to click on them.)

Second, a lot of people use a story's rating as part of their judgment on whether to give the story a chance and, when faced with, "Rating Disabled", interpret it as a terrible rating on the basis that "the author doesn't have enough confidence in this work, so why should you waste your time with it when there's a forest of competing options out there that do have ratings?".

(Given the 2000+ stories I have on my various TODO shelves, I'm one of those people who came in as a result of your story showing up in a group I follow but then took one look at the "Ratings Disabled" and decided "On second though, I've got better things to read." For contrast, I also have a tab open on a story with that "not enough ratings yet" indicator. I'll check back in on it every day or two for a week or so before making a decision.)

TL;DR: By disabling ratings, you're saying "Take my word for it. I'm good." while shifting self-consciously in a world of of competing applicants confidently shouting "I'm good. Here are my references!" I've always felt that option was a mistake that benefits nobody.

9824230
9824238
I've put the ratings back just in case you'd give it a go.

9824301

Hmm. Not a bad rating for something that combines multiple "probably turned off a few readers" kinks together in the same story. (Yaoi being the one with the highest probability of that in my experience.)

I'll take a look at it right now and give you some free feedback on anything that comes to mind.

9824348
I look forward to it.

9824428
Thanks for the honest feedback. The dislikes without explanation are absolutely frustrating. Your critique is just what I needed.

9824428
Well said, this story has promise, but it needs to have a second person go through and edit to address these issues

Gays and bi-s, i do despise. I did like some chapters.

I'm deeply surprise and appreciated when you mention me in your author note and see me as a friend, it's nice that i can help you out even i don't know-how i did it.

I enjoy very much of every chapter from the start to finish, even in the most steamy scene. It sad to see it end but it ends in a good note (for me that is) hope you do great with your other stories as well.

Still next time with love and good wishes
From: MaryTryne

9824904

*chuckle* It's not the longest I've written, but I don't normally go this long for a variety of reasons.

(My longest stuff would be what I've written for stories in the Pureblood Pretense series over on Fanfiction.net (the best Harry Potter series I've ever read), where the chapters are long and engaging and, just commenting on plot details (no proofreading) easily makes my feedback so long that I have to send it in multiple PMs because Fanfiction.net only allows one review per chapter and limits you to something like 8000 characters.)

Never noticed that you put my name in the Author's Notes for special thanks until now! I'm touched that I could be of that much help to you, even if I don't know a whole lot about making a good story.

Keep being awesome, Fanatic!

Before I attempt to read this: Why so many kinks?

9972920
The kinks are used in different sex scenarios whenever a changeling transforms into another pony. The purpose is for the human to explore his sexuality with the changeling.

Orrm #15 · Apr 4th, 2021 · · 7 ·

Flavorless garbage, below-average pornography, self-serving, self-insert idiocy.

I refuse to believe any part of this story was written to be taken seriously in any context whatsoever. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that it's all an overreaching joke I cannot or will not understand.

Firstly, contrary to the unending tide of Outrage I currently am, I'd like to commend you on your specific vocabulary. The sheer compendium of ridiculous comparisons you use to replace the words 'penis' and 'vagina' is astonishing. I am slightly impressed.

Unfortunately, if you were as skillful at writing as you were verbose, I wouldn't be here.


Let us begin with Grammar, 3/10, a dumpster-fire even vagrants run from.

The entire piece is a chore to read, positions are swapped with the ease of a world that runs on a solid rate of five frames per second and if the circular instructions of yours were any more confusing, I'd have given up on chapter 1.

Checklist, checklist, Aha! Vocabulary, done, Grammar, done, oh yes.

Everything else.
Split it into, four? Three? Four sounds nice.

1. Setting/Scene Change
2. Dialogue
3. Characterisation.
4.Quality

Yeah, that, should do it.


Usually I'd put a 'Storyline' section, but it's practically non-existent, so no harm no foul.


Scene Change! Or more specifically, Setting.

Perhaps the most important part of the introduction, especially given that this is essentially glorified porn masquerading as pseudo-philosophical nonsense.

Let me tell you something, you blooming meatbag, placing three sparse details and pulling random compartments out of the fucking ether, isn't good setting, it's a skeleton frame, and I'll come back to this.

Confusion, throughout this entire trip there was not a single part where I was not enthusiastically confused about what the flying chucklefuck was going on, why? Because the descriptions were as bland as could be, easily glossed over, might as well go back to first grade "The meadow was bright and sunny and grass was green and fat..." you'd get the same effect.

3/10


Dialogue, is trash.

Your dialogue is garbage, every word out of their mouths causes me physcial pain. People, do not talk like this, normal people, do not talk like this.

It's as if a single man held toys on strings and spoke through each, parading them as separate entities, oh no wait, that's exactly what it is. It's fanciful masturbation of one's own values.

I saw that poke at 'gender' it'd be
funny, if it weren't such a deliberate cry for acceptance. Honestly, writing is an exercise in hiding the strings, detaching the personality of a character from your own.

This was not an exercise, it was a single indolent step in the entirely wrong direction. Every single piece of dialogue lacked character, every single word spoken lacked agency, every single line written lacked punch, lacked spirit, lacked effect.

No meaningful occurrences were brought about by speech, no emotion was displayed using speech, no single point was made utilizing the world-given gift of speech.

And when a written piece is that stagnant, well, you'd honestly be better of having them not speaking at all.

0/10


Characterisation

Nothing.

There's nothing here.

Absolutely nothing.

Chrysalis is a marionette stand-in used so your self-insert may have intercouse with multiple women without recourse, thus unstaining your moral compass.

But therein lies the problem, this is not Crysalis. This is a puppet driven on strings you parade as Crysalis, it is her in appearance, in claim, in ability. But in characterisation? In the very things that define her as a character, that give the name "Crysalis" meaning?

Nothing.

You do nothing to build the character, you do nothing to show her progression, in any sense of the word, and you do absolutley fuck all when portraying anything other than plot-driven sexual gratification.

And even that, is miniscule.

See a pattern here?

Every single gripe I have comes from a point of insuffiency, of scarcity.

Scarcity of what, you might ask, of words, of connecting phrases, of tasteful word usage.

Of quality.

And that, is next.

1/10


Quality

Garbage, but I've said that already, haven't I?

Let me elaborate. Every single sentance is barebones, every single description is tiresome, irksome in its deficiency.

There is no easy way to say this, you lack everything. Proper punctuation, proper sentance structure, imaginitive descriptions, actual fucking comparisons that don't equate to the insuffiency swapping of singular words. A skeleton frame with tendons is what you have created.

You condense entire details, entire scenes into three or four words, over and over again, you portray expression and passion with such emotive numbness, with such wanton disregard for the very poetic nature of depicting concupiscence that the existence of this piece is a crime onto the art.

The attempt to hide behind songs, behind vapid works of vaunted idols and constructed pieces of sensationalist trite, to shroud oneself within the thin veils of masqueraded amentia and pretend their meaning is yours? Meanings which apply naught to this story, fables with naught to your tale of nothing, do you truely intend to mock your prate stars so?

Its disrespectful, for one with no understanding of the written word to claim themselves some great illustrator of tarradiddle, only for their work to be none but a chronicle of gratuitous ruin? Such a thing angers me beyond simple words, yet I regale it regardless.

This piece of nothing, the world built on sticks which came from naught. The understanding of the world, is never expanded. Never hinted. The progression of characters, is never stated nor explored, it is quite literally "Kidnap bad, sex gud" "I old" "I young" "I change"

That is your so called 'progression', don't believe me? Skip. To chapter 2, run to the end, I assure you it's almost identical. Just as bland, just as lazy, just as uninspired.

You wrote porn, you wanted to write pornography, self-gratifying pornography to scratch some itch you seemingly had for the Wattpad originated genre of 'Songfics', but don't you bloody dare feign substance where there specifically is none.

It's, vapid and a mark of, not even an amateur, it's a mark of the uneducated, not by choice, but by ignorance.

A nock detailing a lack of agency, of unwillingness to learn, to adapt and to conform to common decency, to common standard.

Thus, it's nothing but faults, empty, tasteless faults that are frankly a chore to read, a vexation to understand and a personalized mark of wasted time if I have ever seen it.

And at this point, this isn't even hot garbage, it's frigid shit.


2/10


To conclude:

Storyline: -ΒΏ/10
Grammar: 3/10
Dialogue: 0/10
Characterisation: 1/10
Quality: 2/10

Overall Rating: 1/10

"A botheration to read for anything past its niche hedonism"



An Edit, for Jamin. P. Rose

I went through exquisite pains to properly, actually critique the lean faults this story had while retaining my mortal ravish.

I will not be insulted by one who does not understand the meaning of their own words, nor the words of others, nor a coward who uses straw-men to validate discrimination against those who do not share their their notions.

What you just performed, was an empty attempt at a personal attack.

Perhaps you should peruse those rules yourself.



An Edit for GamerDroid23

My spelling is immaculate. I have, however, surrendered grammatical structure in order to construct a literary flow. I do not regret doing so.



An Edit for The Blue EM2

C1:
Par from your criticism of basic vocabulary usage, I honestly understood nothing.

C2:
You said it yourself, my vocabulary is simply the second cousin of its more popular counterparts, which I usually used prior, thus easier to understand due to naught but quantity.

There's nothing pretentious about lacking repetition.

10753766
You know, it's funny.

10753766
I present you with "A Review of Your Review"

-10/10 Unconstructive, rude, and bodering on a personal attack.

Note: personal attacks are against the rules here on FimFiction. Rules Listed Here in case you need them.

Have a wonderful day! :scootangel:

10753766
In your review, you complain about the grammar and spelling being terrible in an obviously pornographic fic… yet you yourself couldn’t be bothered to use correct grammar and spelling in your review.

10754272
I don't imagine he's writing to please others, if the tone of his review wasn't enough of a hint.

10754729
If you look at their profile, you'll see that one of their stories has more dislikes than likes.

10754159
10754272
πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ»

10753766
I see this critic is extensive in his use of sesquipidalian loquaciousness. Through such an extensive use of protracted and esoteric vocabulary, he is able to exude the veneer of highest intellect whilst falling into the olden flaws of using the second cousin of a word and exposing his hippopotomonstrosesquipidaliophilia.

10856969
Impressive clapback you got there. πŸ‘πŸ»

10857616
Thanks. I was briefly channeling my inner Mark Twain there, combined with a healthy dose of Sir Humphrey Appleby.

10753766
The point I was making through writing a piece you found hard to understand is that your review was hard to understand.

Besides, how can a user accuse a fellow of gross verbosity and come out with sentences like this?

Its disrespectful, for one with no understanding of the written word to claim themselves some great illustrator of tarradiddle, only for their work to be none but a chronicle of gratuitous ruin?

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