• Member Since 11th Dec, 2018
  • offline last seen Last Wednesday

twience


Sequels1

T

This story is a sequel to Loving Doubts


It's Twilight Sparkle's and Sunset Shimmer's big day! Today's the day of their wedding of course. The day Twilight and Sunset have been looking forward to ever since they said "I love you" for the first time. Everything's going to be perfect. Nothing can go wrong. Or will it?....

Will their wedding goes as planned? Can anything ruin this special day?

Click here for My Story Timeline

A/N- So excited to release this after my last story! Hope you enjoy it :)

~AU Series, No Magic, No Equestria, Only Humans!~

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 12 )

Twilight laughed harder "There. Now were even."

While this story was as beautiful as the last I do have to point out that you misspelled we’re in this quote but this is still among my favorites. Also you should change the rating to teen because of cursing

9380081
Oh oops thank you! Also, if you don't mind me asking, how do I change the rating to teens?

9380179
Go to edit and down to the area that has the rating in it. Click on that and select teen

Mi casa mu casa.

Mi casa es su casa. Unless that was on purpose. It does sound amusingly like a toddler saying that they live in the cows’ house.

9380792
Shoot that was a typo, I met to put su instead of mu. Thanks 😂

With this being a second story, 'Loving Doubt' being the first, I'll say that for your first foray into writing is pretty decent, but there's a lot I can see you can improve on.

The first and foremost thing that needs to be pointed out is that there's just a simple lack of punctuation in a LOT of places in both stories. Missing periods, almost no commas whatsoever, and in several places it just feels like something should be there, but isn't. This is something you learn with time and practice, but I'd suggest making sure you got a good beta reader who really knows their punctuation and grammar to help point out what should be needed and when.

The next big thing is the fact that while your story is pretty sound in terms of what you're wanting the characters to go through, it feels lacking in the description department. The old saying of 'Show, Don't Tell' is something to live by as a writer and you tend to do more of the later from what we've seen so far. There's very little of the characters emotion coming through other then us being told 'Twilight's crying' in the first story or the Sunset saying 'I'm freaking out' in this one. While it does give us basic information to know what the characters are going through, it doesn't really do much to really give us insight into the situation.

Let me this give you an example. In this story, this is how Sunset is portrayed at the beginning:

"Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope nope!" She repeated "Not ready! Can't do this! I-" Her words were interrupted by a very impatient and annoyed Rarity

You're telling us upfront how the characters are acting, not allowing us to explore it naturally through the story itself. For an example what I'm talking about, here's how I'd do this first bit.

Sunset felt her breath hitch once more as she paced back and forth within the back room of Carousel Boutique, white hot bands of fear tightening around her heart. It was so close to the wedding day, the moment that She and Twilight would be saying their vows... and the very idea of it all made the flame-haired woman's stomach clench. It was taking all her will not to run to the nearest trash bin to upend the contents of her stomach in it. She was, in fact, considering just that when the sharp, strained tone of Rarity broke though her thoughts. "Darling, I know you're worried." The fashionista said through gritted teeth, momentary looking up from her work on Sunset's wedding dress. "But if you pace by me once more, so help me, I'm going to sew you into a chair!"

Now this is just something I whipped up for an example, but as you can see, this conveys the same as what you are telling us, but really shows the amount of panic and fear Sunset is experiencing. It also adds a bit more into how annoyed Rarity is getting with how the poor girl is acting. Now, this isn't to say that everything in a story needs this level of detail or that you can't tell us directly what's going on, but the more descriptive a story is, the more you can immerse us into the tale and let us live through the characters. A good way to improve on this would be to read works by published authors and other fanfic creators, to see how they've handled their own stories and see if you can't incorporate how they approach things to your own work.

Thirdly, I think you need to really work on being a bit more true to the characters. The stories themselves right now feel like I could go and switch the names of everyone within it and there would be nothing lost. This doesn't just mean getting the characters vocal tics down, such as Sugarcube for Applejack or Darling for Rarity, but how they'd actually act. A good example of this is how you handled Aj's and Rainbow Dash's reactions to the bridesmaid dresses.

"They're stunning Rarity." Applejack assured her putting her hand on Rarity's shoulder

Rainbow twirled "100% cool!" she added

This doesn't really feel like either character, especially considering both girls are VERY much Tomboys and neither are big fans of dresses. Something like this feels a bit more in tune with how they normally act:

"Now, Y'all know Ah ain't the biggest fan of these frilly, frou-frou stuff," Aj said, placing her hand on Rarity's shoulder. "But even Ah gotta admit ya've outdone yerself, Rarity."

Rainbow Dash hummed, giving a small stretch in her dress, glad it wouldn't restrain her running ability. "It's not as cool as I am, but it's up there. The fact that I'm wearing it will make it even better!" She said, arms crossing against her bosom, posing in her outfit.

This feels a bit more like how'd both of these girls would act, with me even going as far as to add in a bit of 'accent' to AJ's speech. That part might be going a little overboard, as I know some prefer it when it comes to the farmgirl and others hate it, so that's up to personal preference.

Finally, I think the last major thing that needs to be answered is the question of the girls powers and Spikes lack of ability to talk. Part of this can be written off as you labeling the story as an 'Alternate Universe', though usually that tag is better reserved for something that's a MAJOR setting change. As it stands, there's very little here to tell us what makes this universe different from the original one outside of the Sunset and Twilight pairing.

Like I said, for someone fairly new to writing, these first two stories are decent and show potential. There's a lot you can do to improve, however, and I think it would do you well to continue writing, learning, and developing as an author.

9384621
Wow... thanks so much for your help. I can see and understand what you mean. When or if I make another story I will take your tips into consideration. I will get my grammar under control and put more emotion into it. Also true about the alternate universe. Though I put that there because the characters and the setting may be the same but the story is quite different. No magic, no ponies, no talking dog. It’s just about two ordinary humans in love with their friends. Thanks for reading my story, glad you liked it.

9384687
When. Always when. Never let anyone or anything stop you from writing if you enjoy it. But always know that practice does indeed help make perfect.

Also, one more thing to keep in mind when you're writing and wanting to be more descriptive with how a character feels or is going through? Think of the senses and sensations. Say a character is angry. What sensations are they feeling through their body with that anger? Do they feel a build up of heat in their body, threatening to explode? Are they grinding their teeth or clenching their fists? Are their voices becoming harsh, making it obvious to their fury or are they doing their best to remain calm? Each layer of description can help, though there is a point of too much detail. Don't let it go so crazy that it bogs down the story!

Also, interesting decision there about what kind of universe this takes place. Any particular reason why you had everyone just as normal humans?

9385202
Yeah. I wanted to write a love story between my two favorite characters but i wasn't sure how. I decided to make them normal so it could be easier for my first stories. I knew I would forget something important if i didn't.

This is great. I dont know why it has dislikes. Other than being a little bit short its pretty much floor less. :twilightsmile:

This was cute! :D

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