• Member Since 11th Dec, 2018
  • offline last seen Last Wednesday

twience


Sequels1

E

After a long day at work Sunset Shimmer can't wait to come home to her beautiful fiance Twilight. Specifically for a movie and some cuddle time. *wink wink*

...However when she gets home she finds the house pitch black. She goes inside to not only find the noise and the bright glow of the TV but Twilight on the couch crying!


What's Twilight so upset about? Can Sunset calm her down?

Click Here for My Story Timeline

A/N- This is my first EVER story! Please be nice :)

~AU Series, No Magic, No Equestria, Only Humans!~

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 15 )

I keep seeing ships between Twilight Sparkle and Sunset Shimmer. This is pretty good. Check out my Sunset Shimmer Story. “Sunset’s Yoga Time.”

I have to say, you have the plot all set to go.

But the way you distribute/construct it is kinda messed up a little.

Like, say for instance,

"I c-can't marry you Sunset." Twilight said still crying. Sunset in shock slowly let go of Twilight's hand. She quickly began thinking of reasons why Twilight could of said that. Did she cheat? Did she lie to her about something important? Does she have feelings for somebody else? Sunset snapped back into reality when she heard Twilight starting to cry hard again. She shook her head and took her hands again. "Why's that Twilight?" she spoke. Twilight looked at sunset, lips trembling she spoke "I'm not good enough for you Sunset, I never was. Your this fun, intelligent, gorgeous person and i'm nothing. I'm boring and i'm not brave or out-going like you."

That quote was when I thought you paced it wrong. Maybe take it a little slow, or instead break up the speech texts so that it can add a little bit more of drama. Oh, I also recommend using the Italian font for the questions Sunset was thinking inside her head. For example,

Did she cheat?

Did she lie?

Notice how I break up the questions into different places, instead of just one paragraph. This will get important.

And I saw that you don’t really like to use comas. I really prefer it, but please use it more often.

And lastly, I recommend you not to make your paragraph’s too big. Maybe cut off the speech texts of the paragraph, or just cut the paragraphs short. This is because from the readers perspective, it seems like a burden and a hassel to read all of it, with the words compact and tight, making it seem hard, but in reality you can split the paragraph and people would think otherwise, even though having the same amount of words.

That’s just a recommendation, not really a ‘must’ for you. I’m only human, and the only thing I can do is advice. I’m also sorry, if there’s anything that you found offensive or harsh.

Good fic, btw. Keep it up.

this is a pretty damn good story, I was your first follower


EDIT: Pretty damn good can’t even describe it THIS IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!

Comment posted by twience deleted Dec 31st, 2018

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Thanks so much for the advice! I'll most likely edit this story soon to make it more "presentable".

Also i'm glad you liked the story :)

9374484

Thanks SO MUCH :D

For a first time story, this is actually really good!

This is absolutely adorable, For such a short story it does amazingly well to fit everything in without feeling rushed. Well done. :twilightsmile:

That is so sweet, I love the bond between these two. My favourite bit here is Sunset telling Twilight she can't wait to marry her. Nice work, do keep it up.

Dawww. :twilightblush: I love me some SciSet fluff.

I enjoyed this. My main complaint is the exposition dump in the second paragraph where you describe Sunset's and SciTwi's personalities to the audience. Storytelling is best when you show the reader a character's traits, instead of showing them. The part about them being engaged is fine, in addition to the whole first sentence of that paragraph.

Could avoid having one talk and the other start to react in the same paragraph

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