We've Come a Long Way
We've Come a LongWay
By, serenityx
"Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope nope!" She repeated "Not ready! Can't do this! I-" Her words were interrupted by a very impatient and annoyed Rarity
"Sunset Shimmer darling! Honestly! I've been trying to add the finishing touches to your dress but I can't simply concentrate with all your pacing." Rarity said
"Oh..." Sunset turned to face her "Sorry."
Sunset made her way to a seat near Rarity's sewing table.
"I'm just so-"
"Nervous? Scared? Worried?" Rarity interrupted again.
"Yeah. How did you know?" Sunset asked
"Tomorrow's your wedding day darling, how could you not be?" She replied
Sunset sighed "I just want everything to be perfect. not specifically for me... but for Twilight."
"Why? Is she having doubts about the marriage?" Rarity asked confused
"Oh no. In fact she's really holding it together. She couldn't be more excited."
"So why all the stress Sunset? Shouldn't you be feeling the same?"
"I am. It's just I cant help feeling somethings going to go wrong. I'll screw it up and it will be all my fault!" Sunset said worrying
"...There's no time." Rarity said
Sunset raised her eyebrow "Oh gosh your right, I should go i'm sorry."
"No Sunset stop. I mean there's never enough time." Rarity responded grabbing Sunset's arm "It's just you and Twilight. The reception, the party, the cake; none of that matters. The only thing that matters is you marrying the woman you love."
Sunset smiled "That's... really good advice. Thank you Rarity. I'm feeling a bit better."
"No problem darling. I'm pretty much finished here, why don't you go check on the cake? I heard Pinkie Pie's just finished it." Rarity said
"Isn't Twilight with her? I thought it was bad luck to see the bride the night before their wedding." Sunset responded
"She was but she left awhile ago to spend the night at Fluttershy's." Rarity reminded her
"Oh! Right." Sunset hit her forehead "Well I should go, see you tomorrow Rarity. Thank you again."
"Anytime Shimmer. See you." Rarity said waving
"Thanks for letting me spend the night Fluttershy." Twilight said
"Your welcome Twilight. My house is your house." Fluttershy responded metaphorically
"Mi casa es su casa." Twilight said smiling
There was a pause
"What's that?" Fluttershy asked
"It means my house is your house in Spanish." Twilight replied lifting up her glasses
"Wow, I know your smart but knowing another language?" Fluttershy said shocked
"I only know a few words and phrases. No biggie." Twilight shrugged
Fluttershy stared in disbelief and then shook her head. "So, are you excited about your wedding tomorrow?"
"Couldn't be happier." Twilight responded
"Feeling nervous?"
"Pfft not at all. Why? Should I be?" Twilight asked concerned
"Oh, no. I just heard from Rarity that Sunset is practically-" Fluttershy didn't even get to finish her sentence before Twilight cut in.
"You heard from her?! How is she!? Is she alright? How is she holding up?" Twilight asked like she was going to pounce on Fluttershy
"Calm down Twilight. She's fine." Fluttershy said reassuringly "She misses you"
Twilight sighed. For all she could give to just talk to or even call her fiance'. Though Sunset insisted they do the basic wedding traditions. It wasn't like Sunset didn't want to see Twilight. She just wanted their wedding day to be perfect and Sunset said it wouldn't be the same without the traditions.
"That's good. I miss her too." Twilight said calming down
"Don't worry. Everything's going to spectacular tomorrow." Fluttershy spoke comforting her
"Yeah...perfect. Just spectacular." Twilight said to herself
The next morning Sunset was getting ready in one of the prep rooms with Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack getting their dresses on, while Twilight is supposedly in the other with Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie waiting on Rarity to come help in there.
"Perfect!" Rarity beamed "Take a look Sunset." she said pointing to the mirror
"Wow Sunny, you look just fantastic!" Applejack said
"Yeah Sunset. Twilight's going to flip!" Rainbow commented
Sunset replied "Thanks girls." Before walking to the mirror.
She stopped in front of the mirror and her mouth sprang open. She was drop-dead gorgeous! Her dress was silky and white. It's off-the shoulder with gold glitter on the waistline and the end of the sleeves. It flowed at the bottom like a mermaid's tail.
"You really out did yourself this time Rarity. It's beautiful!" Sunset said excitingly
"It was no problem really. It was harder finding the perfect designs for the bridesmaid dresses." Rarity said giggling
"They're stunning Rarity." Applejack assured her putting her hand on Rarity's shoulder
Rainbow twirled "100% cool!" she added
Everybody including Sunset started laughing
"Well I better go get the other bride ready. Let's go girls, beauty waits for no one." Rarity said to Applejack and Rainbow "You'll be okay here Sunset?"
"Duh of course. Go-" She said shooing them out "I can't wait to see Twilight. Tell her I love her and I can't wait to marry her."
"Will do!" Rainbow winked and saluted. The girls exited the room.
Sunset turned back to the mirror and smiled. She started taking the curlers out of her red and yellow hair. The long pretty curls fell down to her back. She put the white lacy glittery headband on. She was officially ready.
An hour later the church bells started to ring. That means the guest were arriving and Sunset's and Twilight's friends are on their way to seat everybody.
Sunset felt her stomach knot up "Shoot!" she said "Not now! I'm confident! I'm ready!" She yelled at herself
Sunset felt hot. Was she about to sweat? She took a sip of her water not wanting to ruin her makeup.
"Maybe I should check on the guests..." She thought "No... the girls got it covered."
"I wonder if Twilight's okay." She asked herself
"I could rehearse my vows once more?" Sunset nodded and began walking around the room "Twilight-"
She was interrupted by someone coming in the room
"Spike?" She asked. It was Twilight's dog. Who she liked to refer to as their dog now.
"Who let him in? She wondered
"Hey boy!" Sunset said going over to pet him. Spike barked and licked Sunset's hand.
"Aw good dog." Sunset said to him.
She stood back up. She went back to the mirror and looked at herself. She heard the bells ring once more. It met the wedding was about to start. Rarity was going to be coming back in the room to get Sunset any minute now. Sunset's stomach dropped. Her hands started to shake.
"No. no no no." Sunset panicked
Spike barked again and tilted his head confused.
"I can't do this!" Sunset said panting
"I love twilight. This is going to be the best day of our lives. I have to do this!" She argued with herself
She felt more confident now. She clenched her fists and lifted her head high heading to the door.
Sunset heard her friends leaving Twilight's room.
"Nope! Need more time!" Sunset said rushing out the room almost tripping over her heels.
She hurried to the back door and ran out to the town square and sat herself on a bench. People were staring at her. Probably because she was wearing a wedding gown, but she didn't care. If the paparazzi could see her now, she would of totally got the role of "The Runaway Bride".
Spike had followed Sunset out and he whimpered as he nuzzled Sunset's leg.
Sunset started crying and barred her head into her hands.
It wasn't until about 10 minutes later when she started receiving dozens of phone calls.
"Four from Rarity, three from Applejack, and two from Fluttershy" She read from her phone screen. Spike whined.
"I'm sorry Spike. I thought I was ready but i'm scared. Everything's going to change. Does Twilight even want this as bad anymore? What if her feelings change after the wedding. I- I just couldn't handle that." Sunset said crying. "And this wedding... I'll probably just mess it up."
It took awhile before Sunset started to realize what she just said.
"Crap, I did mess it up!" She said kicking a rock
"The girls are most likely pissed at me." She told herself "Dammit. I can't even imagine how angry Twilight must be at me!" Sunset yelled. Spike just sat there confused.
Sunset's phone started to ring. Incoming call from Rainbow Dash it read. Sunset sighed and answered it.
"H-hello?"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!" She heard 5 voices yell through the phone. Sunset jumped and held the phone away from her. When she caught her breath, she put it back to her ear.
"Do you know how worried we were about you!" Rarity said
"Sugarcube what were you thinking!" Applejack added
"Sunset! Why did you leave! The after-party was going to be so awesome." Pinkie said whining
"Do you know how many times we've called you!?" Rainbow yelled
"Twilight's worried sick about you! You know how hard it was to tell her you ran away? She's in one of the rooms crying her eyes out right now." Fluttershy said angry. Which was quite weird hearing Fluttershy so mad...
"I'm so sorry guys! I panicked! My mind went to it's comfort zone. I haven't in a long time but every time I get super worked up about something and scared I run away without thinking first." Sunset said to her friends
"But darling this is your wedding! What were you thinking?" Rarity spoke
"I wasn't! Don't you get it?" Sunset said almost yelling "Where's Twilight? Is she angry at me?"
"Well..." Applejack said "She's in one of the prep rooms crying and pacing like there's no time in the world. She's thinking of reasons why you ran away. I t-think she thinks you don't love her anymore." She said quietly
Sunset almost dropped her phone when she heard Applejack say that. Not love Twilight!? She loves Twilight with all her heart! How could she think something like that?
"Shit, I messed up. I have to see her. I'm coming back. Don't tell the guests to leave!" Sunset said hanging up the phone "Come on Spike." Spike started barking happily
Sunset technically sprinted back to the church holding up her dress with Spike behind her. Makeup ruined and heels dirty she swung the door open panting.
"where- where's T-Twilight?" Sunset asked
"In there-" Rainbow pointed to one of the rooms "But-"
Sunset started walking before Rainbow could finish her sentence. The only thing that mattered to her right now was Twilight. Her best friend, her lover, her everything...
She opened the door quietly. Twilight sat there on the small couch crying looking through what looked like photos on her phone. Sunset couldn't help but stare at her. She looked stunning. Though her makeup was also ruined and her hair kind of frazzled Twilight was the most beautiful person Sunset ever laid eyes on.
Sunset snapped out of her aw and began walking towards Twilight.
"Babe..." Sunset said to Twilight who still had her head down.
Twilight looked up "Sunset!" She yelled running towards Sunset and wrapped her arms around her.
Sunset started hugging her back. Twilight burred her head in Sunset's chest and started crying. Sunset rubbed her fiance's back comforting her.
"I-I'm sorry Twilight." Sunset said still embracing their hug. Tears also started streaming down her face again.
Twilight looked back up "Your sorry? I thought it was me. I thought... I thought you-"
"Stop." Sunset said interrupting her "Don't ever ever think that. I will never stop loving you Twi!"
"So why did you run away? Do you not want to marry me anymore?" She asked
"Of course I still want to marry you! I was scared... about the future." Sunset said wiping her and Twilight's tears "I was also scared I was going to screw this wedding up for you."
Sunset started to sarcastically giggle "I guess I did do that huh?"
"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right?" Twilight started to giggle herself.
"Is it too late for our wedding? I promise I'll be at the end of the isle this time."
"But...our outfits are kind of ruined. Also we've kind of broke the tradition by seeing each other." Twilight answered
"I don't care about those silly traditions anymore. I never did actually. I was just trying to make this wedding perfect for you." Sunset told her. Twilight started to blush bright red.
"Look, I know I messed up but It's not dark yet and I would still very much like to marry the person I love the most." Sunset said smiling
"I suppose your right." Twilight began to laugh "annnnd this would be a good story to tell our future kids..."
Now it was Sunset's time to blush. The thought of kids made Sunset turn bright red.
Twilight laughed harder "There. Now we're even."
Sunset smirked "Oh I see now..."
Sunset grabbed Twilight by her waist. All Twilight could do was blush. Sunset pressed her lips against her fiance's. Twilight melted into the kiss and began kissing her back. She grabbed onto Sunset's hair. This was only two days since their last kiss but to them it felt like forever. The kiss started to get heated as their tongues slipped into each others mouths, but before things could get too intense Pinkie Pie barged into the room.
Sunset and Twilight released their kiss and started breathing in the air as they turned to the door.
"Oh.. uh sorry you two." Pinkie said
"No worries Pinkie." Sunset said
"Well come on! We have a wedding and a after party to get to!" Pinkie said gesturing them out the room.
Sunset and Twilight laughed and Twilight grabbed onto Sunset's hand.
"It's going to be perfect Sunny, and please no running away this time? I just couldn't handle it again-"
"You've got nothing to worry about. I'm not going anywhere, I promise." Sunset told her while she squeezed Twilight's hand.
"We are gathered here today to join Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle in (holy) matrimony."
After a beautiful exchange of vows...
Sunset, do you take this woman to be your wife, to live together in (holy) matrimony, to love her, to honor her, to comfort her, and to keep her in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live?"
Sunset smiled "I do."
Twilight, do you take this woman to be your wife, to live together in (holy) matrimony, to love her, to honor her, to comfort her, and to keep her in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live?"
Twilight nodded "I do."
After the exchange of rings...
"By virtue of the authority vested in me, I know pronounce you wife and wife. You may kiss."
They didn't waste a second. Before you know it, Twilight and Sunset were in each other arms embracing each others warmth as they kiss. The guests and bridesmaids (their friends) cheered and clapped.
"Let's get this party STARTED!" Pinkie yelled
Sunset and Twilight broke the kissed while they blushed and smiled at each other.
"I love you." They said in sync.
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While this story was as beautiful as the last I do have to point out that you misspelled we’re in this quote but this is still among my favorites. Also you should change the rating to teen because of cursing
9380081
Oh oops thank you! Also, if you don't mind me asking, how do I change the rating to teens?
9380179
Go to edit and down to the area that has the rating in it. Click on that and select teen
Awww sooo cute!!!!
Mi casa es su casa. Unless that was on purpose. It does sound amusingly like a toddler saying that they live in the cows’ house.
9380792
Shoot that was a typo, I met to put su instead of mu. Thanks 😂
With this being a second story, 'Loving Doubt' being the first, I'll say that for your first foray into writing is pretty decent, but there's a lot I can see you can improve on.
The first and foremost thing that needs to be pointed out is that there's just a simple lack of punctuation in a LOT of places in both stories. Missing periods, almost no commas whatsoever, and in several places it just feels like something should be there, but isn't. This is something you learn with time and practice, but I'd suggest making sure you got a good beta reader who really knows their punctuation and grammar to help point out what should be needed and when.
The next big thing is the fact that while your story is pretty sound in terms of what you're wanting the characters to go through, it feels lacking in the description department. The old saying of 'Show, Don't Tell' is something to live by as a writer and you tend to do more of the later from what we've seen so far. There's very little of the characters emotion coming through other then us being told 'Twilight's crying' in the first story or the Sunset saying 'I'm freaking out' in this one. While it does give us basic information to know what the characters are going through, it doesn't really do much to really give us insight into the situation.
Let me this give you an example. In this story, this is how Sunset is portrayed at the beginning:
You're telling us upfront how the characters are acting, not allowing us to explore it naturally through the story itself. For an example what I'm talking about, here's how I'd do this first bit.
Now this is just something I whipped up for an example, but as you can see, this conveys the same as what you are telling us, but really shows the amount of panic and fear Sunset is experiencing. It also adds a bit more into how annoyed Rarity is getting with how the poor girl is acting. Now, this isn't to say that everything in a story needs this level of detail or that you can't tell us directly what's going on, but the more descriptive a story is, the more you can immerse us into the tale and let us live through the characters. A good way to improve on this would be to read works by published authors and other fanfic creators, to see how they've handled their own stories and see if you can't incorporate how they approach things to your own work.
Thirdly, I think you need to really work on being a bit more true to the characters. The stories themselves right now feel like I could go and switch the names of everyone within it and there would be nothing lost. This doesn't just mean getting the characters vocal tics down, such as Sugarcube for Applejack or Darling for Rarity, but how they'd actually act. A good example of this is how you handled Aj's and Rainbow Dash's reactions to the bridesmaid dresses.
This doesn't really feel like either character, especially considering both girls are VERY much Tomboys and neither are big fans of dresses. Something like this feels a bit more in tune with how they normally act:
This feels a bit more like how'd both of these girls would act, with me even going as far as to add in a bit of 'accent' to AJ's speech. That part might be going a little overboard, as I know some prefer it when it comes to the farmgirl and others hate it, so that's up to personal preference.
Finally, I think the last major thing that needs to be answered is the question of the girls powers and Spikes lack of ability to talk. Part of this can be written off as you labeling the story as an 'Alternate Universe', though usually that tag is better reserved for something that's a MAJOR setting change. As it stands, there's very little here to tell us what makes this universe different from the original one outside of the Sunset and Twilight pairing.
Like I said, for someone fairly new to writing, these first two stories are decent and show potential. There's a lot you can do to improve, however, and I think it would do you well to continue writing, learning, and developing as an author.
9384621
Wow... thanks so much for your help. I can see and understand what you mean. When or if I make another story I will take your tips into consideration. I will get my grammar under control and put more emotion into it. Also true about the alternate universe. Though I put that there because the characters and the setting may be the same but the story is quite different. No magic, no ponies, no talking dog. It’s just about two ordinary humans in love with their friends. Thanks for reading my story, glad you liked it.
9384687
When. Always when. Never let anyone or anything stop you from writing if you enjoy it. But always know that practice does indeed help make perfect.
Also, one more thing to keep in mind when you're writing and wanting to be more descriptive with how a character feels or is going through? Think of the senses and sensations. Say a character is angry. What sensations are they feeling through their body with that anger? Do they feel a build up of heat in their body, threatening to explode? Are they grinding their teeth or clenching their fists? Are their voices becoming harsh, making it obvious to their fury or are they doing their best to remain calm? Each layer of description can help, though there is a point of too much detail. Don't let it go so crazy that it bogs down the story!
Also, interesting decision there about what kind of universe this takes place. Any particular reason why you had everyone just as normal humans?
9385202
Yeah. I wanted to write a love story between my two favorite characters but i wasn't sure how. I decided to make them normal so it could be easier for my first stories. I knew I would forget something important if i didn't.
This is great. I dont know why it has dislikes. Other than being a little bit short its pretty much floor less.
This was cute! :D