• Member Since 12th Sep, 2018
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Allegiance for the lost


Just a guy with a phone and original characters

T

A young Shinobi from the hidden sand was born with the gift of Rinnegan in his right eye and one day forces beyond what he knows of transport him to a strange world.

(I do not own My little Pony:Friendship is Magic nor do I own Naruto, Naruto Shippuden, or Boruto: Naruto next Generation. All rights go to their respective owners)
(This story was brought on by my custom shinobi in Naruto to Boruto shinobi Strikers which I also do not own rights to)

(This story starts around 2 to 4 days before the events of Ticket Master)

Edit 9/16/18: I didn’t realize I left “Sand” out of the title, this whole time the name is “Ring Eyed Shark ninja” but it was supposed to be “Ring Eyed Sand Shark ninja”
Error on my part, I’m not sure if any of you care but I get agitated when a mistake goes unnoticed for so long but I fixed it so we’ll move on

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 17 )

Anyone offering criticism that can help the story improve, don’t hesitate to tell me

Well just from the chapter title alone I can see you made the classic human in Everfree mistake.

I see that your guy comes from the Naruto universe, which is fine really, it gives him ways to defend himself and others when the need arises, and it will which is also fine.

Another thing I can point out is that retreading episodes just doesn't go over like it used to. So it would be a good idea to not do that anymore. I can take a look and see what else I can offer, but I alone can only do so much.

Okay now that I've more fully seen what's going here I can say that the rapid changes in perspective are a problem. Also leveling threats and fighting with the royal guard is a bad way to kick things off. And again there is this issue with Zeko's power, he is just too strong right now.

A rookie or least someone with less experience and ability would make for a more relatable character on some level.

You definitely need more feedback here for sure because it is obvious that this idea has potential. It's just that your follow through that needs work here.

Okay this is what I'm seeing.

First you used the old Twilight screwed up a spell bit. I'll admit that this is plausible as an event but it's badly overused in HiE stories. Second you used the human in Everfree trope, and that never seems to go well for some reason. It just doesn't work out. Next is the jumping around with the perspectives. From what I've seen personally that is a mixed bag. While it can be made to work you'll need to tone down the number of such incidents so that they don't break immersion.

Also a one-hit k.o. on an Ursa, that reeks of an overpowered O.C. and that has probably caught you some flak. There are some interesting ideas here, but the presentation is a little clumsy at the moment.

Do you have anyone that you can have a back and forth with to help refine your ideas? Preferably someone that know the anime and game like you do. I think that should help at least a little.

Ok this is very helpful so now I know what I should adjust and I thank you for that.
As for Zeko being too experienced and powerful he isn’t and is because of 3 simple things
1. His Eye is very flawed, in the sense that he only has 1 third of the deva path unlocked which I felt was necessary.
2. Yes he does seem experienced and to a degree he is as he’s 17 and has trained for 6 years with heavy weapons against dangerous rogue ninja as opposed to guards who have trained in a land that’s been at peace for a millennia
3. Zeko’s chakra pool is large but he only uses large scale moves so he’ll eat through quickly and then relies on Samehada which can’t convert the magi into proper chakra.
But I can and will need him as necessary since I can see how I went too far
Also I did plan on having him in some situations that were in episodes but it would typically be him exploring this new world.
But I digress and hope I can make this story better again thank you for the pointers

9170863

Zeko’s chakra pool is large but he only uses large scale moves so he’ll eat through quickly and then relies on Samehada which can’t convert the magi into proper chakra.

Okay I am actually relieved that you did take the differences between mana as it is called and chakra into account.

It didn't appear that way however, you'll need to do something to make that more clear.

Now as for the rest I can point out one other big problem you have right now. That is Zeko's lack of disorientation. Regardless or training or experience he has been thrown into an entirely alien situation. That will throw anyone for a loop and it's important to have that kind of thing be expressed.

The thing that makes human beings special is our ability to adapt to new circumstances. However if your readers get the impression that is happening too quickly they won't care for the story very much.

Also try rewriting everything in a universal third person perspective. It give a much more "clean" and unified look to the story and won't break immersion. Also during scene transition use a page break. Like this for example ==================. That should also help clear up some of you problems and has really helped me do a better job with my own work.

Also use the reply button when responding to someone's comment so that they are notified and and have less trouble trying to help out more.

9170981
Ok thank you for the tip, so I suppose I’ve got some editing to do. As for the portion about being thrust into a new situation I tried to show that he was shocked but true surprise is difficult to me... and considering I portray Zeko and Kotetsu as very level headed I didn’t think I should drag it out but that’s why I’m an amateur again thank you

9171107
Not dragging things out is a good thing. On the other side of the coin too little explanation is just as much of a problem. There is also the fact that no matter how level headed someone is they can always be caught off guard. The key, and the aggravation is balancing it out.

It's a thing is all I can say there.

Another thing you need to keep in mind here is that you longer have the constraints place on you by the game's mechanics and narrative. That means you'll have to place your own constraints to gain and maintain a sense of balance in your story. That can be really tough to do, but it's worth it at the end of the day.

9171331
Ok I’ve edited the chapters and added page breaks for transitions. I’m hoping it would be up to par now but further revision isn’t something I’m against

9171752
That is good, revisions are part of the process. And it is something we just have to go through sometimes.

Also you are going to need to work on chapter length too. if it's too long the chapter will likely come off as slow a plodding. If it's too short is can be too fast paced.

In general around three to four thousand word will help you to keep your pacing more even. It's not an iron clad solution though. You'll probably have to experiment a little to dial it in all of the way.

The wave of chakra infused wave

This is a bit redundant. It should read. The wave of chakra pushed away from Zeko. Also don't put the numbers in the story, instead use the proper words.

Also there is this.

“Well damn are you some new species?” his only response was a roar to the face. ”Well if it’s even remotely new I can’t kill it, I’ll just incapacitate it and report it to the Hokage”I thought before jumping back to avoid a slash from its large claws. I decided to drop Samehada so I don’t risk killing the lion. “Ok then after you.” Almost as if it understood the beast charged but a swift roundhouse to the forehead stopped it there. Zeko jumped back to avoid a crushing bite. “Well that rattled you I can tell, but how tough are you really?” Zeko said trying to agitate the beast, prompting another swipe of its claws.

You didn't follow all of the way through with the third person perspective in this paragraph.

There is some improvement already though. And one last thing too, show don't tell. When Zeko is wearing out describe him as having a hard time catching his breath, and describe if there is any dirt on him anywhere if he has hit the ground. That kind of thing.

Think about the battle scenes from the anime. Envision them in your mind and remember the details. Watch them too and pay close attention to what you see and hear. That should help a little and don't go overboard with details either.

Writing is a kind of finicky process, but you'll get there by sticking with and making, them learning from your mistakes.

Lastly here is a link to group where you should be able to get some help with pre-reading or editing. Looking for Editors I can also message you some links to a couple of author support groups I am in too.

That can help to get more eyes on what you're trying to do here.

“I can still get some energy off of their attacks, but it’s a crude chakra compared to what I’m used to.”

===================================

The cloud of dust and sand from the explosion blocked view but Twilight was sure the mystery colt was unconscious at least.

Okay you don't need the page break here because it's still in the same scene. All you need here is the spacing between your paragraphs.

It's the same here as well.

“I’m really in a different world...” He managed to say before passing out into his sand...

===================================

“Ok, did anypony else hear that last part?” Rainbow asked making sure her ears worked properly

And at the bottom of the page. Try not to get frustrated, as I said it's a finicky process. You'll find it's worth it as you continue to improve however. One more thing, okay is how it's actually spelled. Not a lot of people get that one though, so it's no big deal.

This story has potential and I would like to see how it develops.

“You’ve got some nerve talking to us as if you desire a mate!” Rarity nearly yelled. “Rarity calm down, he’s just a colt he doesn’t mean it that way.” Twilight said trying to calm her now irate friend

Two different speaker means two paragraphs. So you'll need a space between them.

“Hey Shining. You up for a friendly match? I’ll stick with Samehada if it helps.” Zeko said causing Twilight to get light headed and Applejack facepalmed. “Well if you insist.” Shining said with a smirk. “Alright! Hey is there a window near where we can do this?” Shining looked puzzled at this before answering; “Yes it’s this way, follow me.” He said walking down a hall. “This window overlooks the training yard now can I know why you asked?” Shining questioned. “It’s not important but you might as well tell others I’m sure they’ll want to see two great fighters go at it. I’ll be waiting.” Zeko said as he flipped over Samehada and stooped near the ground and placed the blade on his back. “Hold on what are you doing?” Celestia asked as Zeko lunged forward with his arms crossed and crashed through the window leaving them all in shock. “He is most certainly an interesting one sister.” Luna said breaking the silence.

Real ninja never use doors!

You got my like. Can't wait to see what you have in store for us.

Thank you both for reading and I hope you continue to enjoy the story

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