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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Well just from the chapter title alone I can see you made the classic human in Everfree mistake.
I see that your guy comes from the Naruto universe, which is fine really, it gives him ways to defend himself and others when the need arises, and it will which is also fine.
Another thing I can point out is that retreading episodes just doesn't go over like it used to. So it would be a good idea to not do that anymore. I can take a look and see what else I can offer, but I alone can only do so much.
Okay now that I've more fully seen what's going here I can say that the rapid changes in perspective are a problem. Also leveling threats and fighting with the royal guard is a bad way to kick things off. And again there is this issue with Zeko's power, he is just too strong right now.
A rookie or least someone with less experience and ability would make for a more relatable character on some level.
You definitely need more feedback here for sure because it is obvious that this idea has potential. It's just that your follow through that needs work here.
Ok this is very helpful so now I know what I should adjust and I thank you for that.
As for Zeko being too experienced and powerful he isn’t and is because of 3 simple things
1. His Eye is very flawed, in the sense that he only has 1 third of the deva path unlocked which I felt was necessary.
2. Yes he does seem experienced and to a degree he is as he’s 17 and has trained for 6 years with heavy weapons against dangerous rogue ninja as opposed to guards who have trained in a land that’s been at peace for a millennia
3. Zeko’s chakra pool is large but he only uses large scale moves so he’ll eat through quickly and then relies on Samehada which can’t convert the magi into proper chakra.
But I can and will need him as necessary since I can see how I went too far
Also I did plan on having him in some situations that were in episodes but it would typically be him exploring this new world.
But I digress and hope I can make this story better again thank you for the pointers
9170863
Okay I am actually relieved that you did take the differences between mana as it is called and chakra into account.
It didn't appear that way however, you'll need to do something to make that more clear.
Now as for the rest I can point out one other big problem you have right now. That is Zeko's lack of disorientation. Regardless or training or experience he has been thrown into an entirely alien situation. That will throw anyone for a loop and it's important to have that kind of thing be expressed.
The thing that makes human beings special is our ability to adapt to new circumstances. However if your readers get the impression that is happening too quickly they won't care for the story very much.
Also try rewriting everything in a universal third person perspective. It give a much more "clean" and unified look to the story and won't break immersion. Also during scene transition use a page break. Like this for example ==================. That should also help clear up some of you problems and has really helped me do a better job with my own work.
Also use the reply button when responding to someone's comment so that they are notified and and have less trouble trying to help out more.
9170981
Ok thank you for the tip, so I suppose I’ve got some editing to do. As for the portion about being thrust into a new situation I tried to show that he was shocked but true surprise is difficult to me... and considering I portray Zeko and Kotetsu as very level headed I didn’t think I should drag it out but that’s why I’m an amateur again thank you
9171107
Not dragging things out is a good thing. On the other side of the coin too little explanation is just as much of a problem. There is also the fact that no matter how level headed someone is they can always be caught off guard. The key, and the aggravation is balancing it out.
It's a thing is all I can say there.
Another thing you need to keep in mind here is that you longer have the constraints place on you by the game's mechanics and narrative. That means you'll have to place your own constraints to gain and maintain a sense of balance in your story. That can be really tough to do, but it's worth it at the end of the day.
9171331
Ok I’ve edited the chapters and added page breaks for transitions. I’m hoping it would be up to par now but further revision isn’t something I’m against
Okay you don't need the page break here because it's still in the same scene. All you need here is the spacing between your paragraphs.
It's the same here as well.
And at the bottom of the page. Try not to get frustrated, as I said it's a finicky process. You'll find it's worth it as you continue to improve however. One more thing, okay is how it's actually spelled. Not a lot of people get that one though, so it's no big deal.
That was disappointing, I was expecting a fight
9172123
I think the page break was used to show a change in perspective.
Seriously? a guy with a rinnegan lost to ponies, you kidding right.
10346578
I see where he fainted from shock but not where he loses but what do I know I only wrote it
Bruh RACIST
10690014
Isn’t everyone a little bit racist, sometimes?