• Member Since 2nd Jul, 2018
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Flowjam


New to this whole thing but hey why not try it out!

T
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Dracule Knight is labeled as the most deadliest man alive, and marked as the strongest person on earth. But that doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy, dracule lives life in excitement and action where ever he goes. So when a random portal transports him to equestria things get a whole lot more interesting for the warrior. instead of freaking out and wishing to go home, dracule takes the whole thing as a stroke of luck. being in a world full of magic, and creature only to believe were myths excites dracule to higher levels. sadly equestria is facing a slight problem, a monster problem. good thing someone's there to take these monsters on face to face, it doesn’t matter if your a monster, demon, ghost, zombie, you name it. Dracule will take you on and beat you down with a smile on his face. And lets not forget the sweet ass powers dracule gets that will help him in the long run.

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 36 )

Holds up Hand

Alright, stop, stop. You're new here. Do you want me to criticize this story to show you what you did wrong? I'll be harsh but fair and at the low low price of free.

Yes so I might know what I have to fix in the future.

First question: is English your first language?

good thing someone's there to take these monsters on face to face, it doesn’t matter if your a monster, demon, ghost, zombie, you name it. Dracule will take you on and beat you down with a smile on his face. And lets not forget the sweet ass powers dracule gets that will help him in the long run.

Wow, Dracule sounds like a really dull cunt.

Sickening. Wait, is this a parody?

Holy blocktext, is that description a wall or what?!

Dracule is 19 years old, has short black hair, his eyes bright red, height 6.7. His parent are long gone. But has his fathers sword always by his side to remember him, and a stone necklace his mother gave him at a young age.

IT'S SO EDGY.

Drake is a master in combat, motor vehicles, and a survivor. He’s been around the world living life to the fullest. But every life must have their fair share of problems, and in drake’s life it’s pretty much a everyday thing for him. And believe it or not, he loves it.

Infodumping on the highest level. Combined with the above, there's practically no way for us to need the information about his eye color or height unless it's critical to the plot.

Dracule jumped out and ran up behind his first target with abnormal human speed swiftly rapped his hands around the mans head and *Snap* breaking his neck, he ran up to the next three behind the mob leader and *Snap* did the same thing as the first one to the three.

1: OP character
2: *No. Don't use these unless it's ironically.*

“Because” Drake’s red eyes got brighter that glowed and changed into a savage look that scared louis. He pointed masamune at him while smiling, “The one that’s going to be killed is you and your dogs” dracule said sending out a wave of uneasiness to the hearts of the gang.

Music: Escape the Fate "One for the Money"

img.youtube.com/vi/xxIsmbVZuSI/mqdefault.jpg

1: more edge of the same classification as the *teleports behind you* "nothing personal, kid" meme.
2: please don't include inline videos or music unless it's comedy. It both ruins the story flow and turns it into a cringefest.

The whole gang
9 wielding metal bats
6 wielding steel pipes
3 gun men
1 leader
19 people total

More unnecessary infodumping.

Drake chuckled at their stupidity “this is way to easy” drake turned around and ran up to his next victim.

Aw, c'mon, Gary Stu, leave the poor people alone. In all seriousness though, your character is clearly a Gary Stu/Mary Sue type of character. They're clearly overpowered, have little to no weakness, and practically have the world in their hands.

This just made the gunmen's even more scared and unloaded all there bullets on him. But this only made drake move faster while still *Bink* *Bink* *Bink* *Bink* blocking every bullet they fired at him. Even did fucking flips while still moving towards them in a slow but quick pace.

1: *please no more asterisks as sound effects*
2: more overpowered character.

And that's the story how dracule got himself into this police chase. know let's get back to the point of the story.

What.

know let's get back to the point of the story.

know let's

know

Before you write again, I believe you should know some basic spelling and grammar skills.

Thanks god your the best

You're

But these ponies weren’t normal because they could walk on two legs, speak, and each one is different from the other, some being unicorns, pegasi, those that had neither and all being male.

all being male

...

...

Wat.

No.

Stop it.

Are you describing ponykind as a whole, or just this one group?

And if it's the whole of ponykind...

What kinda world is that?

'Cause that's not how biology works.

Ace point grinned at this. Ace point is a tall unicorn male, his fur color being green, and his mane purple, dark green eyes, and on his shoulder their was a mark that looked like a snake with a hood only showing its mouth and eyes

Even more unnecessary infodumping!

“Know where the hell am I”

Ignoring some obvious cringe that I skipped over to avoid being repetitive, I now become repetitive ironically by pointing out again that you used "know" in place if "now". Now do you know how to know what to now?

This guy is way too full of himself,

Same goes for you, mister Dracule.

Drake looked at their shady looking robs that total signifies they are indeed a cult that just made things a bit awkward for dracule finding out he was brought to this world by a cult of male ponies “That or these guys are lonely and need someone to help them get chicks

Yes, they have the shadiest looking robs in town. It's totally not like they left their robes hanging on the clothesline today.

That feeling was “RAGE” this was the first time this ever happened in his life.

My feeling is "CRINGE", and I've certainly felt it many, many times before. Especially considering the times I've edited for a certain person...

Because he just angered a beast that was ready cut them all down in anger.

Hoo boy. Here comes the OP-ness again.


I hope you take this criticism into account and potentially improve in the future.

EDIT: I'm not gonna go over the second chapter. It's all the same issues.

So when a random portal transports him to equestria

Oh cool, edgy protagonist goes to Equestria, what an original and fun concept. Next.

Drake is a master in combat, motor vehicles,

Does this mean he becomes a master when he is in a vehicle? Also being a master mechanic when you are 19 is literally impossible.

9030706

EDIT: I'm not gonna go over the second chapter. It's all the same issues.

(well, I'll try to at least)

inside a old ruin

*an old ruin

wearing robs

I think I've made a grave mistake thinking I would able able to get through this quickly

Ace point was frightened by the creature

Why show how the character acts?! When you can just blatantly tell the reader what emotion the character is feeling? Why does'int everyone do this? It looks so easy and quick to do!

drake put masamune back inside its scabbed and went into his quickdraw stance

*is vaguely interested in martial arts*
*Googles "what the fuck is a quick draw stance? is it like the Cowboy duelling thing or Weeb shit?"
*sees this video*

Basically a quick draw is a move you learn once you reach level 99 edge lord.

The blade was made out of carbine fiber steel and titanium making the blade sharp and strong.

WRONG. Weight on a sword is a good thing (despite what shitty animes say) so this sword would just basically be a noodle with a shaving razor on it.

when the ponies were in a good distance drake dashed forward to the first pony that was a earth pony

You know what could have stop drake in a second? The earth pony having a spear. Oh?! what's that? The show even shows earth ponies having spears?!
t00.deviantart.net/8vatnUdcs0l4K4fn-Hs7KZHpTVM=/fit-in/300x900/filters:no_upscale():origin()/pre00/6c99/th/pre/f/2015/189/1/a/day_and_night__mlp_guard_tf__by_arrogantkitsune-d90gzd2.png
Well how about that! All the earth pony had to do was just point his spear at the man literally sprinting at him, and the he would of been fine!

When the earth pony came close to drake and dropped his mace on him like a hammer drake grabbed masamune with one hand and swung right at the mace *Clang* knocking it back without using a lot of his strength, the earth pony was wide eyed and shocked to be beaten in sheer power against something smaller than him.

lol wut. A twig batted away a mace?

“T-this is c-crazy! I can’t die here” after that the earth pony tried to run but ace point saw this and shot a fire spell at him hitting him and burning him alive killing the last earth pony of the group.

Shooting someone in the back who is running away, our hero ladies and gentlemen.

Once in this stance dracule said “One Sword style: One shot kill”

Literally announcing the move he is about to do. That's like telling someone "Hey! Leave your doors unlocked so I can easily break in!

chest and fell to the ground dead from the super fast attack.

(someone correct me if I'm wrong) Fast cuts are not as lethal compared to others from what I remember, if the cutting edge of the sword is VERY thin and you run it across someone's skin quickly, would'int the skin just go back where it was and somewhat keep the wound closed? or something like that?

I just googled "masamune" to see what would pop up, and apparently Masamune was a man who made Tachis and Tantōs, which is neat. BUT. If you go to images, YOU GET PICTURES OF THIS SWORD ART ONLINE LOOKING BITCH
anime-planet.com/images/characters/masamune-makabe-73519.jpg
which in contrast to the real Masamune, is not neat.

9030967

YOU GET PICTURES OF THIS SWORD ART ONLINE LOOKING BITCH

Oi! Don't you be insulting Masamune!

I'll have you know he was a chubby little shit as a child but when he was insulted and rejected by his childhood friend and love in front of bullies, which made his life hell, he swore revenge and became one of the most eligible bachelors in that universe.

And do you know all he's interested in? Getting revenge on the one who made his life hell. (It's a bit more complicated then that, but no spoilers). He could have all the women he wants, but no. All he's interested in is revenge.

So you know what? You can insult the masamune in this story, but you keep your insults away from the good Masamune! ill fite u 1v1 ill fekin reck ya m80 i swer on me mum

9032006
This is so perfect it had me questioning if that was the plot of the show for a couple seconds.

9032682

Oh, that is the plot of the show.

He seeks revenge on the girl he thinks ruined his life.

9032721
thumbs.gfycat.com/GranularVibrantBactrian-max-1mb.gif

If I know anything about Displaced writers, It's that they love how anime portray women. They love it because it sells them the fantasy of "Every women already loves you, they just don't know it yet. All you got to do is just give them stuff or save them from something and they will be head over heels for you!"

Or the alternative

"If she did said no to you! and humiliated you! and ruined you life! That basically gives you the right to do what ever you want to her! Because all of those years ago she made you feel way worse so now you have to show her what it is like!"

I've even talked to a displaced writer who even said this in response to my question of "what would your characters do if they where cheated on?"

Johnny would cut off all ties with her but not before everyone knows she a cheater who fools around with other men. He would get video evidence and have it everywhere online and billboards for everyone to see with her picture.

Why can't every anime be like Miss Kobayshi's Dragon maid

“Those that live in excitement and adventure, with a heart of gold and the willpower to face anything in their way. Are the only ones that can pull this sword out of its shrine. If you can do this you will gain great power only the strong can wield”

To be honest, I would much rather read about a person who cannot pull the sword out.

I might have killed people but only those that deserve it,

That still sounds pretty awful, "I only rape people that deserve it." does that sound like something a good person would say? because both of those sentences have some big similarities.

I've face countless things that pushed me to the edge and won every time”

So where does any excitement come from in this story? It's like if a billionaire won the lottery, literally no one would care.

“I shall call this sword durandal the wolf blade” he grinned at the name, he looked and saw a scabbed laying on a tree walked up to it and found out it was the right size for durandal. He slide the sword in the scabbard and placed it on his back.

“I shall call this sword durandal the wolf blade”

placed it on his back.

media0.giphy.com/media/EiCQzmzE5HLaw/giphy.gif
Do people just not research shit or even care anymore?!

Draucle got on his motorcycle and slipped on a pair of sunglass because of the sun, he bought them at the same store he got the clothes, he thought it made him look cooler, and just so you know it did make him cooler, about 40% cooler.

Ew, that whole line is straight out of Jersey Shore or something.

If there is more cringe in this story, I'll never know because I can't fucking read this anymore.

Like the story idea, but please check the meanings of some of the words you use, suck as:
Know = having knowledge of something,
Now = in this moment,
There are other examples but if your not sure about a word just google the meaning, this will help your writing a lot, I’m bad at aspotting spelling mistakes so I won’t say anything about that, but like I said I’m enjoying this story wether or not the grammar gets corrected.

9045501
If you have so many problems with this story then don't read it.
But unless you're going to give some constructive criticism don't bitch and complain in the comments

Are you switching the usage of "know" and "now" on purpose, or do you just not read comments and take criticism?

I'll watch this, but I might recommend some spelling/grammar checks. As Techie says, the know/now is a bit off putting unless there's a reason.

So am I the only one to point out he just attacked that griffon for no reason?

9030706
Bro calm you're tits so what if theres a lot of edgyness I like stuff that's edgy

Okay I have one thing to say..... pacing the pacing is all off it feels like you took an entire story shoved it into one chapter.... almost EVERYTHING is rushed. Like I get that this might be your first story on here and just never came back to edit it or anything but the pacing is TERRIBLE too many emotions and bonds formed FAR too fast. It falls into that category of “Power equals relationships and love” which I CAN understand griffins falling INTO but only if they were a bit more animalistic also if the world that that guy came from didn’t have many people who would think of a griffin as an animal and not a person even though they can talk..... that world must NOT have furries.... like at all. Anyway good luck with this I hope it improves as a I read it. Oh and one last thing you keep putting know where you should be putting now and now in place of know.

9058092
Hey man I agree with you you mind reviewing my comment I mean it to help not to be me bitching or anything.

MORE!!! BEFORE I SICK YUNO GASAI ON YO AZZ!!

You REALLY need to capitalize the character's name. Otherwise this comes off as lazy.

Now that is FUNNY what you did "BEN 10 REFERENCE"

I like this. Also i'm like number 100! whoo!!! Never got to do that before soooo... ya. :moustache:

There’s more edge here than a teenage emo’s bedroom.

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