• Member Since 22nd May, 2012
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

Nebbie


Prone to extreme analysis, wild ideas, and grossness.

T
Source

Chancellor Neighsay sees his opportunity to shut down the school and sues after Applejack and Rainbow Dash endanger students. Things go horribly right and, soon enough, the two are to become the first executions in Equestrian history.
Their friendship is about all they have to keep them sane.

Warning: Very grim and things will get rather nasty; things aren't gonna go well for most ponies, and that toilet isn't just for show.

My first attempt at a teen rating, as well as serious shipping and death. Well, that didn't go well. Complete rewrite as a new story pending.

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 11 )

Am i the only one who noticed the tag on rainbow dashes jumpsuit spells out loser (lo23r seems pretty similar)

I already don't like Chancellor Neighsay when he first showed up.

I see the Death tag, and as a personal rule, I have to ask if the one(s) who will die are main characters.

Also, I don't think Chancellor Neighsay could get away with two of the Elements of Harmony, Equestria's multiple times saviors, being sentenced for execution. Just my personal opinion that the Princesses would be able to stop such a thing.

Edit: After reading the first chapter, both my above points have been answered. Forgive me for not continuing to read the story, it just doesn't seem my cup of tea.

9038878
I'm very certain that's intentional on the artist's part. I'd prefer a cleaner image, but that was the closest I could find.

The idea is interesting, but problematic.
The riot results in death in a kill or killed situation, so the participants are sentenced to execution. Luna helping prepare AJ & RD isn't going to help as NOTHING is going to prepare and help me knowing I'm going to die in a month's time!

9040445
They basically resisted arrest and then made everything spiral out of control. Some of it could be justified by Garble and Ember bringing lethal weaponry and Rainbow being pressed into a snap decision, but in the end, the two ponies really are to blame for most of the situation.
Luna's so naive. So, so naive.

Ultimately, I'm not sure where I messed up here with the story, or whether the premise is just too dark to begin with. It's gotten a pretty bad reception, and I'm hoping the next chapter is a little more palatable.

9040744
Premise, mostly. You're putting beloved characters on death row. In a story set in Equestria of all places, where even repeatedly destroying the world can be forgiven. That creates a bit too much of a dissonance with the setting everyone loves.

The only thing that I wanted to see is that Chancellor Neighsay is put in death row for death.

9040744

A dark premise alone is not the problem of a fic based on MLP: FiM. The show is already very dark and even though we haven't seen an indicator of it that the death sentence exists in Equestria (unlikely, so far it seems the go-to punishment for Equestria's enemies is eternal imprisonment in Tartarus), if you are able to pull it off and give a good reason for it why being sentenced to death is happening in your fic, then there's no reason why you shouldn't write it.
Equestria may not have the death sentence, but who says that there can't be things happening that prompt them to introduce it?

9040831

You shouldn't give negative advice like this. Saying "You can't kill beloved characters because that hasn't happened in the show yet" is not a helpful advice, it just limits the author's creativity.
This is fanfiction, it is more important to write about what could happen or what isn't explained in the show than what is already seen on screen or known about the world/universe.
You should not give an author advice that makes them limit the potential of their stories.

9055536
The details of their feedback may be off, but I think they are on the right track overall; this story headed into dark territory a little too hard too fast and didn't do enough to justify a death penalty for the two.
The rewrite will take a rather different approach while still having some beloved characters die.

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