Being a young dragon while doing chores every day for a unicorn who strives for perfection and hardly receiving any praise already hurts enough but saving an empire and still not feeling appreciated by your friends is even worse. Now add slight depression, boredom and MORE work. These feelings have been going on for quite some time and trying to hide how he really feels certainly isn't easy. Luckily for Spike, he finds a way to relax even if it probably isn't considered "normal." Then again, since when has normal ever been both relaxing and interesting?
Warning: Will eventually contain diapers and depressed Spike. Do not read if you are not into these kinds of stories.
You have been officially warned!
Chapters (6)
Short for a chapter imo, some grammatical errors. But I want to see where it goes.
Yeah, stories mixed with first chapters = bad outcome for me.
I tried the best I could to look for any errors but I'm obviously not the best and probably not even really good in general even, lol.
Even though it wasn't the greatest start to a story I could've given, I'm glad I at least slightly peaked your interest.
Definitely off to a great start. A chapter does not need to be long as long as it still forwards the story.
As a new author, I'd honestly say it is a good thing you have short chapters. It makes more folks inclined to give your story a chance as it is a short investment to see whether the work is a yay, or neigh.
Personally, I like what you are doing with this story. It, to me, touches on a topic I've been working to better understand myself. This being 'Broken Childhood' / 'Growing Up Too Fast'. These situations, as my research has found, does make one desire to regress to a simpler time. This helps avoid the pain of feeling, whether consciously or not, of wanting back what has been taken from you.
Lots of folks who find diapers a way to 'simulate being little do so as they tend to relate with being vulnerable. Wearing one helps, whether you use them for their intended purpose or not, get into a mind set that makes you worry less and free yourself from stress. Other 'accessories' can help but the diaper is the most common for how it is soft, warm, and is most commonly associated with being in a mind set that no worries exist and that you are 'safe' again.
I've thought of Spike being one who has a broken childhood because of how, for being close to old as the CMC, he is treated like an adult and given adult responsibilities on top of adult accountability. Most of his episodes in the canon show come down hard on him for making mistakes but, to be honest, he is still young and allowed these mistakes. Or, in the least, not in need of such harsh correction for making them.
The abandonment he gets from Twilight and crew doesn't help with security reasons either. He knows how to put on a brave face but, deep down, I really feel he is like you are writing. This being a hatchling made to grow up too fast without the optimal degree of love and guidance prior to doing so.
Thank you so much for the reply I really felt this response gave a positive and detailed explanation towards my writing, short chapters, and detail, which I am very thankful for.
The whole idea of having your childhood taken away from you and forced responsibility is something that almost MAKES you mature in a purely negative way.
An example would be: When you put a frozen pizza in the oven, you set the oven at around 425-450° for 15-20mins. If you were impatient you could crank up the heat to 850-900° for 7mins 30sec-10mins. Mathematically speaking, by doing this you would expect to essentially cut the time in half, however, Scientifically speaking, you would most likely ruin the pizza because there is no working short-cut for cooking like this, you have to follow the instructions. The ingredients and pizza as a whole couldn't handle that extreamly high temperature and then it would most likely burn.
Cooking has a similarity to aging. The way I see it, Spike is the pizza while his life is the oven while Twilight and the girls are the temperature. Spike has been "over cooked" and "burned out" because his aging time was rushed.
I know how Spike is a nice dragon in the show but because we never really see how Spike really is since the show isn't directly focused on him like the main 6, it made me wonder if these are feelings that Spike would possess. In the end, I wasn't entirely sure if this story would make him seem OOC which worried me a little but at the same time, since this is fiction, I can write him however I'd like even if he is a bit OOC. It also technically can't be proven that he doesn't have these feelings anyways so there is a lot of freedom to work with Spike as a character.
Anyways, enough of my rambling.
Thank you very much for the reply!
~Sincerely Jordan Olson
Mm.. I like where it's going.
8747530
Thank you for sticking around and for giving this story a chance!
The story definitely needed a chapter like this one in order to properly progress it in the direction it seems to be going in. Everything to this point has built upon Spike's frustrations while jabbing him with reminders of how foals have it a lot easier than he does. Moreover is how he wishes he wasn't just some sort of tool to be used when his friends went and did things while they were away. You also didn't resort to Spike doing any hands-on physical harm to Angel. Rather he just had an emotional breakdown. One that you address well with his feelings post it all happening.
I also like how you are emphasizing the 'ffreak' aspect of wanting to wear diapers and be like a foal. Lots of folks who have such desires feel this way about themselves for thinking on wanting such things. So this is a very natural path.
8749574
Thank you for your reply!
In truth, I almost did have him wack Angel with his tail hard enough to knock him unconscious along with an even worse mental breakdown which included crazy laughter. I reread that part over and over and then decided to sleep on it and once I woke up I felt so stupid for almost making him cause physical harm to any creature on purpose and for writing him like he belonged in a padded cell...
Let this be a lesson for everyone: If you plan to write or type out ANYTHING while being half asleep then you'd better be prepared to rewrite and face palm many times.
As for the whole feeling like a "freak" part, I'm glad you feel that way because I honestly believe most human beings feel at least slightly disappointed of themselves for some sort of hidden desire and Spikes wish is meant to emphasize how such a sweet and helpful dragon can secretly be filled with self loathing and disappointment. While I can't prove all humans feel this way, I CAN relate, as I have my own disappointment in myself such as wanting to weigh 120lbs even though I should weigh at least 20-40lbs more then that in order to have a healthy body. If someone walked up to me and told me they were absolutely perfect then I'd call them a liar.
Spoiler: I also want to point out that within the next 1-2 chapters, Spike will begin to act on his desires rather than having the constant repetitive "I feel 'this' way and want this" If for some reason you are getting tired of the inner conflict.
That was a good call on not making Spike physically hurt Angel. It makes his emotional distress a lot stronger having not had a 'release' yet. It also tends to make a whole new set of emotions to inflict harm on someone that could've made the story hard to continue. Yelling at Angel is easier to work beyond than knowing you have to explain to Fluttershy why her #1 bunny got injured.
You also are brave to share your life struggle. That's what, in my opinion, makes the MLP community so great. We are all pretty open about our feelings while not fearing letting our true selves show past our fan content.
As you may have guessed, I have a diaper fetish that was brought on as a result of broken childhood. However my broken childhood is a result of being born with a condition that gradually stole all my physical eyesight. I grew up in a small town where nobody really knew how to handle a visually impaired student in mainstream education and had numerous challenges as a result. I am now 100% blind and doing my best to find a solid place in the world despite societal perceptions on what a blind person can do. (I use special computer software to read and write on a computer)
Keep up the great work. You're doing great with making the emotions of Spike lead to what is going to come. I also wish you well as you work to cope with your life struggle. I know I got a lot of help with accepting total blindness and the bothersome diaper fetish from a therapist coupled with friends I made online. Perhaps you, too, can find peace through making pals here on FiM Fiction?
8751714
Losing your sight must be awful, so sorry to hear that. I have a diaper fetish myself and even though I'm writing a story involving diapers, I was afraid to say it out loud. My broken childhood involved my dad mixed with bad psychological abuse. I didn't say anything about that before since I didn't want to look like a person who was begging for attention. I'm glad to see there are lots of kind people willing to talk about themselves and their struggles.
I do really hope I can make lots of friends on here and help out people with their stories if they need it.
Anyways, thanks for a positive and informative reply!
~Sincerely Jordan Olson
You should put more care into your mini-synopsis that appears while browsing stories, since you didn't capitalize the start of it. The first sentence in the full synopsis is also a run-on.
Reading the story, I'm immediately struck by how you're using third-person present tense. There's no *wrong* way to write a story as long as it serves the reader's engagement, but this is like choosing expert mode. Unfortunately, your story has a clunky feel to it as a result. Past tense is by far the most popular for many reasons and unless you're writing stream-of-consciousness first-person (or heaven forbid, second-person), you should probably stick to the path well-traveled until you understand why so few brave its treacherous prose pass.
That brings me to another point, though; this story would have been far better served if written in stream-of-consciousness first-person as the focus is largely on Spike and his internal thoughts. Rather than clumsily inform the reader of the fact that Spike is thinking, you could have simply made everything *be* his thoughts and observations; surely a more elegant solution, yes? Alas, you're invested in your current viewpoint, although I would say you should switch it anyways simply because it would be such a drastic improvement.
Beyond that, you should really consider doing an editing pass. Un-capitalized words at the start of a paragraph are obvious enough for me to spot while speed-scrolling and leave me questioning whether an edit was performed.
There's some hints of decent prose, namely the mini-synopsis, despite the issue I talked about earlier. Some more care and consideration of your approach and the tools available to you would probably result in notable improvement.
May your ink never dry and your quill always have words perched upon its tip.
8753596
Thank you very much for your input, I really appreciate your advice.
You are absolutely right in the sense of my story being a bit clunkier then most other stories.
Truth be told, I originally was going to have the entire story be within the mind of Spike but I didn't feel like the story would be as good if I stayed solely on Spike's thoughts. I also didn't want to feel like I was taking the "easy" route for writing, so I challenged myself a bit (possibly too much).
As for editing, I did look it over before I posted the chapter but most of the time I am half asleep when I'm creating a chapter and all rational thoughts and actions leave my mind.
I can't promise I will be able to change my writing, mostly because even with your advice I wouldn't really know how. This does however, give me a chance to try experimenting with my stories in the future.
I'll probably continue writing my story the way I have been writing it just so the story stays on one consistent path. After this story is finished, I'll try and see if I can kick the nasty "run on" habit and I'll see if I can try improving my writing skills as a whole.
Again, thank you very much for your honest words of wisdom!
~Sincerely Jordan Olson
8754254
Skimming the story, I'm having a hard time finding any real points where you focus on other character's thoughts. Again, that's choosing a far more difficult perspective (third-person omniscient) than most would tackle, since you're stuck with somehow balancing the internal thoughts of every character in such a way that it's still engaging to the reader. You won't find that outside of experimental short stories for good reason, since it's more difficult for the writer and the reader usually.
There isn't an 'easy' way for writing besides relying on tired cliche's and tropes and playing them straight (see: all the stories where a character has a hidden diaper fetish and another character discovers it and instantly decides to start babying them with no real conflict or build-up). Certain viewpoints are chosen because they're effective and optimal for a given story type (if you want a 'challenge', try writing in Perfect Future-Tense and be prepared for your grey matter to implode). Challenge comes from utilizing unique, interesting and effective storylines or writing techniques (for example, one I particularly enjoy are 'perfect transitions' where one sentence leads into another, despite them being entirely different scenes; you can see this in my Teeny Tiny Twilight story, or a visual version of it with Edgar Wright's movie work).
You should be asking at least one other person to look it over, if possible, and read it out loud to yourself. Reading it out loud lets you spot natural pauses or breaks, allowing you to find where commas or periods belong.
8754297
I think I remember reading your story in the past (before I made an account on here) and if I remember correctly, it was very good.
I'll definitely take another look through that story. If I'm lucky, I may be able to improve my writing quite a bit with your suggestions.
I have asked around for proofreaders but none have been interested in the task. That being said, I will make sure to reread out loud and look for those natural pauses and sentence endings.
Not sure how much your suggestions will help since I'm naturally a bad writer (always have been) but I guess I won't know till I try.
~Sincerely Jordan Olson
8754348
The main thing necessary to improvement is to recognise one's own shortcomings and actively trying to improve upon them. You're already doing better than most of the other 'writers' in this niche in both quality and dedication to improvement. Your main issues at this point is consistency in quality and broad style choices. If you're ever wondering how to write something, read a professionally published story and examine how they do things. A good writer is a better reader.
8754421
I agree with you completely.
As human beings we are imperfect. Our imperfections also make us "perfect".
Without mistakes and conflicts, we as people cannot grow and become better, that's why thinking your "perfect" is actually imperfect.
A bit of a paradox but looking hard enough would make you realize it is still true.
As for reading a professional story, I may have to look into that. If I ever get the chance to get a book from the library then I know exactly what book I can get to help me out.
PS: I also want to point out that I've been writing the next chapter and after looking it over, I couldn't believe how many run on sentences I had made!
I must've reread like three times before I had read out loud like you suggested and what do you know, it worked!
So thanks again for that little tip!
~Sincerely Jordan Olson
8754529
Welcome. Reading a story out loud is probably one of the easiest and most effective ways to really notice where you need punctuation (or need to remove it, in the case of fragmented sentences).
If you're looking for something to read, I suggest Terry Pratchett's Discworld series, starting with Mort and Reaper Man (simply because they're some of his best works and there isn't a set order to read them in). Harry Potter is another good option, for obvious reasons.
" "Ugghhhh, another waist of bucking time!" " Should be waste, not waist.
8755204
Nice catch there!
I'll fix that right away!
Extremely well written and strongly relatable. So many of us have 'Quirks & Kinks' that we feel totally alone in having. Feeling alone makes you feel like a freak, isolated, terrible, and a whole bunch of self-destructive emotions. Then, as you did well, you brought the inner-conflict to keep Spike from having sleep as, in my experiences, wanting to partake in such taboo activities often escalates under moments of high anxiety and/or frustration.
A lot of us wish we could find a book, or something, to help explain the feelings / desires we are having. I'm glad you provided Spike a book as it is often really hard to find someone else to relate with. This would make the story you are writing more difficult as getting someone in Spike's position able to find someone who feels like Spike does very tricky. Being able to find something to validate a feeling that seems oddly exclusive to you definitely is a great thing.
I've tried to find resources on diaper fetishes but often don't find anything beyond people being studied who just go with "It's our thing.". This is not satisfying and why I've done a lot of my own research in the MLP and Furry communities on this. Even my therapists don't have much better background on the matter as it is so poorly understood beyond the 'pride' element.
The above in mind, I like how you had the book explain on how restraining the desire could only lead to worse outcomes. I know this all-too-well from personal experience as the more I fought it the worse I felt about myself. You can't just 'will it away'. You have to learn how to 'control' it so it doesn't consume your life. This pretty much goes with any quirk. However knowing how to safely participate in a desire where it doesn't negatively impact you and/or others is very important. Plus, to be even more honest, the sooner you understand it, in my opinion, the less likely you are to associate such a desire with 'stimulation'.
Those I have talked with mention always having a liking to diapers and diapered cartoons. However they don't start getting the 'fetish' until puberty kicks in. I believe the fetish is a result of the mind taking something that makes them feel 'safe' / 'comfortable' and misdirecting it towards one's sex drive. I believe, if it were at all possible, keeping the sexual element out could be done by helping the mind understand the difference before it unknowingly makes that sort of connection.
You provide a lot of food-for-thought in this story. I'd recommend it highly for a younger reader who may struggle with these feelings. It's really the first story that explores the topic Pre-Fetish. It's also good for those of us who want to figure out the 'why am I this way?'. It's terrible struggling with a taboo interest alone. The longer you are alone in it the worse you feel. It hurts even more when you realize it is something you can never 100% make go away. It can be managed but the sooner in life you know how to properly manage it, the better.
8756009
Thank you for the compliment!
I really did want this chapter (like my others) to be at the very least, decent. I felt this chapter was my most well written chapter so far.
It really is a shame that there are some things that people enjoy that is considered "unacceptable". It's also sad that there are some things that are widely known and yet, we hardly actually "know" anything about those topics.
I had actually gotten so desperate that I told my mom that I like diapers. Obviously she didn't approve and I went to a therapist... for like 3 weeks.
I've never really thought about this story being helpful to those who may struggle with their feelings, whether they be young or just uncertain about such a subject.
After looking through the story again I realized that you are correct. I suppose those with a diaper "fetish" or attraction could learn something from this.
I personally have always wanted to be a psychologist/therapist for something like this but I don't necessarily want to be payed from that job, if I did get payed then that'd be more of a bonus. I just like being helpful.
Anyways, enough rambling from me.
If there are any pre-fetish or uncertain people that COULD be reading this story or comment at this very moment, know that you are not alone in anything unless you chose to try and ignore your feelings. Reach out and find others who support or enjoy your quirk and I can assure you, you will feel MUCH better.
~Sincerely Jordan Olson
It's interesting how having a liking to wear a diaper tends to result in the immediate result of "You need professional help". I didn't go to therapy for diapers. I went, and still go, to cope with being blind. However I figured it was worth talking about in my sessions.
I had multiple therapists as a result of, all but my most recent, moving to different practices. However having multiple allowed me to get a common response about the diapers. This being how "If it doesn't hurt you, or anyone else, don't worry about it." along with "If you must partake in it, do so where it would not be a bother to anyone else.". I never once got told I had scary problems with myself. They also never told me I needed to purge it as they all noted on how it was a part of me that had to be worked with. Emphasis on 'worked with' and not 'removed'. Trying to remove is very unlikely as, for most who have an affinity for diapers, it has been a part of you for a long time. Mental aspects that deep are just a part of you and can be managed through proper behavior along with proper outlets, like what you're doing with this story.
I've also done a lot of writing to try and make sense of it all. I've gone through various phases based on what inputs I could get beyond the whole 'Pride' aspect. This brought me to where your story goes. This being a broken childhood, particularly one that causes you to 'grow up' too quickly, makes your mind unknowingly wish to revert back to when the pain of having lost your youth occurred. We may not remember wearing diapers but a part of our minds does. Then you have media that illustrates how being that little is associated with almost unconditional love with no stress. The wearing of the diaper really just helps the mind to fulfill this image even if no other activities happen. The diaper allows you to feel safe, wanted, loved, and, without even using it, the chance to further turn off all your psychological guards to free yourself of pain you have experienced, experiencing, or feel you may continue to experience.
What's even more interesting to think on is the accepted association of drugs and alcohol with the similar psychological response a diaper may give someone. Beer, liquor, etc. are seen to 'numb the mind' and 'help you forget' pain. So are cigarettes, marijuana, and other drugs. However, unlike diapers, you don't hear about someone hurting someone else, getting in a car wreck, or ruining their lives as a result of wanting to wear a diaper. (This point I actually did find in a Psychological journal where it noted for parents to not be so difficult on their kids if they had a diaper fetish as it is better than resorting to drugs and alcohol)
Honestly, it's stories, like yours, that humanize the struggle the best. Broken Childhood + Stress = Diapers. It's finding a way to understand this relationship that so many people out there need. They need to know how to partake in it 'safely'. The more you try to deny it the stronger the urges become and more fetish-like they'll become. Helping the mind to find peace wherein the diaper becomes less of a go to is optimal. This is why writing helps as it can get that desire out without physically needing the garment to 'feel' the soothing sensation on the mind. Talking about it does the same, too. We all have special ways we can help in even the slightest ways. I truly feel what you are writing here is helpful to a group of folks who never understood why they ended up with a diaper fetish. Getting to know is the first step in gaining control along with a better understanding of who you are and why you are. This can start the healing process that so many of us in this particular situation need.
As you do future work, I know you will find other ways to help relate with others those topics that need to be better understood beyond "Just being there.". One does not need to be a certified therapist to help. You need only find a way to get someone to say, "I think I can relate" to begin a positive path to personal well-being. :) Thus is the power of the arts.
I'm truly glad you, as others in the MLP fandom do, are here to help others.
8758153
Thank you for sharing. I sincerely think what your saying makes absolute sense.
I'm honestly not sure if I'll be able to make future stories that will be as relatable as this one but I will certainly try. I really just like doing this more for fun.
Also, thanks for the kind words at the end. I really appreciate it!
~Sincerely Jordan Olson
You did very well in illustrating how someone acting on such a desire would behave during their first time giving in to indulge on such a want. The fear, excitement, over-planning all come together very well. More importantly is how, no matter how you try not to be, you are still 'you'. (Spike's bonding with Bright Smile is just how he naturally would behave. You can 'act' but Spike has never been much of an actor beyond some subtle differences he can make kind-of work beyond his natural self.) The way he graciously tipped the shopkeepers is another genuine moment from how naturally courteous he is.
This chapter worked at its length. What makes it work even more is how you just let it write out. You didn't obligate yourself to a 'limit'. You just wrote out everything that was there until you reached the point where the story itself said you should stop.
A lot of people may judge on vocabulary, grammar, length, etc. However, when writing non-professional fiction, these rules really shouldn't apply. You're not being paid to write this story, right? If you were being paid you 'may' have to hold yourself to strict writing standards. But this kind of writing is typically associated with 'fun' along with sharing your take on an existing world. 'Your' interpretation of what a character would do in a given situation, or situations.
Put simply, write because you want to and enjoy it. Learn as you write but don't make getting this story a grammatical masterpiece. Let it do what, I believe, it is to do. This being to share a personal take on how a character could have a particular desire along with how they'd act upon it. :)
The fact you haven't got Spike in diapers yet does a great job of keeping this story quite real for anyone who can relate with the want to wear them again for the sake of what they may represent. The tension each chapter adds is right up there with the natural fear of being found out, dealing with internal demons, and really trying to understand why, of all things, you'd find wanting to be a foal desirable. There's a ton of internal conflict and each chapter addresses it in a step-by-step way. Too quick and its too unreal / non-believable. Your pacing is spot-on and gives a reader, especially one in a similar situation, an outside view on an inside battle (s)he may be having themselves.
I have yet to ever meet anyone who likes diapers who said, "I did it because it's something I wanted to do.". Some may say this after the fact but, honestly, they are just trying to go with an easy reason to justify what they likely have yet to understand. Wanting to be like a foal / wear diapers has a lot of internal depth that is buried under layers of life experiences your subconscious holds that your primary consciousness is not entirely aware on beyond being hit with, "Wouldn't it be nice if..." pings that are downright confusing until explored from therapy, talking with others, self-exploration, etc. It's truly a lot deeper than, "Hey! I want to make myself seem even stranger and freaky to people by wanting to wear diapers! Isn't it great wanting to do something that makes absolutely no sense? Even to myself?".
I feel you keep Spike in-character quite well. He is using his naturally known abilities to make acting on his internal impulses possible. Maybe he'll come to understand why, or get some validation towards why from Twilight, Celestia, or some other pony. However, for now, he's been pushed to act upon anxiety-driven desires that have been around for a long time. He must go through the ups-and-downs of such actions to even start trying to understand himself. Let alone being brave enough to openly want to talk to any pony about it.
Personally I've never believed chapters need to line up with each other. They can be as long or as short as they need to be in order to get the point of the chapter across, that being said, I do like longer chapters.
8763184
Thank you very much for the compliments and your reasoning behind your thoughts.
You are correct when you said I do this for fun. I do however believe that this story belongs to the readers as much as it belongs to me. I wanted to make a story where people are able to give their own ideas and thoughts on how they think a story should go while adding my own ideas so most readers can be happy. I'm glad that everyone is content with my writing so far and willing to let me make this story in my own way.
8763258
I'm glad you think so! I do like longer chapters myself but since this is my first story I'd like to take a "safer" route and write a shorter story. In the future, I'd love to make a story with around 20k words but for now I'll wait till I have a bit more experience and knowledge on writing.
Well, I didn't expect a diaper story, but alright. Many grammar mistakes and I do wish that there was an epilogue with Spike explaining to Twilight and friends about everything. Just my preference though, this wasn't too bad.
Yeah, sorry about any mistakes. I tried my hardest to look over them but I'm ALWAYS tired so my brain never tends to function at full capacity. I had wanted to have the main 6 or at least Twilight join in at the end as well but I eventually decided on a more realistic approach where Spike would want to keep this a secret.
Thank you soooo much for your comment and your opinions!
Even though this is my first story and I do this for fun, I really wanted my story to be at least decent and not a total train wreck so others could enjoy it.
Also, sorry if diapers aren't your thing but I'm glad you gave it a chance. I thought a padded baby dragon would be adorable and I made a story I thought would be interesting, simple as that.
Thanks again!
~Sincerely Jordan Olson
It's always a treat to see an AB/DL fic utilizing Spike as the main character on this website as they're quite sparse. I don't think this isn't a substantial ending. I believe, much like Armyidiot suggested, an epilogue with either Spike discussing his feelings with Twilight to work together and come to an agreement/understanding would be wonderful.
This build-up for Spike with him mentally wrestling the feelings that he's experiencing comes to a dead-end. A chapter with Spike indulging in his Infantilist side would show the reader how much he's wanted this (and we get to see Spike's enjoyment after all the effort he's been through); or even learn to dislike certain things.
Referring to the chapter where Spike goes to the foal store, you actually did a pretty good job describing the first-time experience of wandering into a store and attempting to purchase adult diapers. It's the constant overthinking; scripting and the possibility of a million things going wrong rushing through your head.
8766021
I'm glad you liked the story!
I'm also glad that you liked the foal store scene, as it was probably my favorite as well. Spike stories are rare when it comes to the padded section as well as other side characters. A true shame really. It's surprising that both you and Armyidiot believed that having a confrontation ending with the main 6 would've been better in your opinions. This is why I love reading comments. They can be very interesting and insightful.
I suppose I should explain my reasoning for the way it ended. I not only wanted an ending that could be relatable to us and what we would've done if we were put in Spike's situation but I also wanted a sort of "open ending". This was if I decided that I wanted to make a *cough* sequal *cough* or add a small addition to the story later. Not sure if that's the case but I like having the option.
Hmm. So this will be the end of the story? A most interesting place to conclude. It keeps the story to a short length, which will make readers who discover you more likely to make the worthwhile investment to read, while also keeping the focus on Spike's emotional roller-coaster that brings him to act upon the urge to feel 'little'.
What, to me, makes this work so well is it really touches strongly on the emotions one may typically go through in considering, and ultimately acting, upon such desires. The lead-up also helps to establish, what I've learned, a genuine 'reason' for him wanting to wear a diaper and feel 'little' again. Not many stories help discuss the origin point of acting on the want to feel 'little'. This one does while providing a lot of food-for-thought for anyone who, like myself, can relate with the 'broken childhood' aspect of young Spike feeling he had to grow up too fast while being denied the sort of childhood he clearly sees others his age having.
Another great thing you did is create potential to continue the story into a series. You've gotten Spike to experience being little and now he has found a sense of fulfillment he is now exploring for the first time. Will he be able to, at some point, talk to Twilight about it? Perhaps Princess Celestia? Both are parental figures who have had a lot of involvement in his upbringing. They'd be the logical choices for him to discuss his feelings with, unless he comes across an OC through a believable means.
With your talent, I definitely encourage you to, as you feel up to it, continue making follow-up stories that help explore Spike and his feelings on being little. You could genuinely create a series that so many 'littles' could benefit from by giving something true to relate with.
If you'd ever be interested in talking, please feel free to send me a "Message". I'd do it myself but my blind software won't allow me to start new messages here on FiM Fiction. :( I can reply, but can't start new ones.
Thanks for a great story! I'll be recommending this to anyone I meet who is seeking a solid story that goes beyond the 'fetish' and explores the psychological aspects of having a desire for diapers to recapture their childhood that, deep down, is felt to be lost / taken.
8766091
I understand. I remember the whole effort it took to order AB/DL items off the Internet; the whole entire thing was like a nerve-wrecking adventure. And when they arrived; I went to town and got lost in the moment.
I suppose the buildup (an interpretation of your portrayal of Spike) is more of the adventure that pushes Spike to indulge in Infantilism, and to have a scene or an entire chapter getting into his "baby" role wouldn't be the point as we know the rest is history.
I don't think it would be necessary for Spike to reveal his fetish to all of his friends. I think it can be best kept between him and Twilight. Spike can't hide his diapers; baby items and bottles forever and he's eventually going be forced to confront her about his well-being and how he's being treated as a work horse, for lack of a better term.
This. Don't be afraid to ask users for their opinions; insights or their own suggestions for what you're writing. It hurts to receive negative feedback, obviously, but its one of the most important ways to improve your writing abilities. If you're ever stuck on something then I'll help in any way possible.
8766138
Your definitely right, Spike can't keep this secret forever and he will only stay content with what he has for so long...
Thanks for the offer! I will be keeping it in mind for sure!
8766118
Thank you very much for sticking around for my story and giving me encouragement to continue.
Also, while I don't think I'm "talented", I'm glad you think so. Call me modest or pessimistic but I like to believe I have much lower standards just so I am ready for any hate that comes rolling in. Sad but true.
I kinda want to make a sequel but I'm not sure exactly how I'm gonna do it yet or when I'm gonna do it. I just got lucky with this story when inspiration hit.
I am interested in talking for sure. I'll send a PM at some point when I have a bit more time. Right this second I am sorta multitasking.
Kinda digging the way you're writing Spike so far. He's different from his pony friends and fills somewhat of an odd role... that would depress anyone from time-to-time, or at least make them question what it's all about,. especially if he was called on so frequently only when his friends needed something. The AB/DL elements are there and are relatable to certain AB's experiences of perhaps growing up too quickly or missing out on bits and pieces of childhood.
There are errors here and there an editor could help you with, but for the most part they're the type of errors that don't really distract from the story. The only errors that I found kind of distracting are the errors with tense -- it's predominately written as a present-tense story, where everything's happening right now. EG. Spike picks up the basket, not Spike picked up the basket. It's not a style I've come across very often, and it's kinda cool to find unexpectedly.
I'm enjoying the work and enjoying the bits of humor you've injected here and there. Also, as an aside -- I totally know what it's like to have an idea and be unable to write it down until later, struggling to get it out as you remember it... it's not fun, but you might frequently end up with a good yarn. My least favorite creative kerfuffle, however, is one when there's an electronic or electrical failure and part of, if not all of the work is gone, and you're forced to rewrite it from memory... the recapitulation is usually not -quite- as good as what you might've first had.
Anywho, best of luck with your creative endeavors. This is quite enjoyable for a new writer's material, there's a fresh energy here that's kinda nice. Errors are just skin-deep and will decrease over time with experience. Don't sweat them, instead perhaps use this early work as measurement of where you are now VS where you are in the future.
Take care!
8796837
I'm glad you are enjoying how Spike is written!
I don't actually have an editor so I really only am able to proofread from one "angle". I do try my best to make sure that I squash those errors but there are usually some issues that make it through the preverbal "cracks".
It really sucks when you have something that ruins your "flow", especially when it's something completely out of your control and it's caused by someone else. While I have never had an electrical problem keep me from getting my ideas typed out, I know I'd be livid at losing work that I'd just finished or progressed. I am actually really paranoid to the point where I copy everything at a certain point so if I need to paste it if it got lost then I could.
I hope you continue to enjoy what you may read from me in the future!
~Sincerely Jordan Olson
Spike's interaction with Angel is a lil intense, though the bunny certainly asked for it. The entire exchange between Spike and the animals is setting up an idea which I think I can guess where this is going
Seeing some really awesome advice from Darken here. Sometimes what might also help, though it's not by any stretch perfect, is using Fimfiction's text-to-speech feature. One's eyes can see what they want to see after a while, especially if a section's been poured over more than a few times. Before that came about I remember a while back wanting to describe Pinkie's winter attire, my collaborator pointed out that it was referred to in the story as a "periwinkle scary". Small things can easily be missed, with hilarious result XD
The tense shifting is still a little bit jarring and I felt it was a bit more so in this chapter compared to the last, particularly in the beginning. Then it settles for a bit and starts shifting again more towards the middle. Example:
As he placed the quite good looking salad down, Angel is thumping his little rabbit foot in Impatience.
To keep it consistent with flow so far, changing the line to As he places the quite good looking salad down, Angel is thumping his little rabbit foot in Impatience.
There's also a repeated error where the use of the words then and than are mixed up. People tend to use the word then to convey an idea involving time, commonly in reference to something has happens or happened next -- "then this thing happened". Than is used is introduce the second idea in a comparison -- "I'd rather this thing happen to me than that."
Sorry for being a bit pedantic. Enjoying the story and the humerus exchanges. Hope you're having a good one
8798688
I actually made this chapter even more intense but I decided to tone it down a bit before posting this chapter. Didn't want the story to go too far over the sacred line of OOC. I did write this story mainly to add immense tension within Spike's life while attempting to keep him slightly similar to the show.
Also, thanks for the tips. Then and than have always been my weakness. When writing out a chapter, I look for words spelled wrong and because then and than are both real words that sound and almost "feel" similar I just ignore them because it sounds right to me. I will probably make this mistake many times in future stories/chapters but on the bright side, this mistake (hopefully) isn't bad enough to completely throw anyone off while reading so nobody suddenly has their reading "flow" interrupted. I will attempt to keep my eyes peeled though.
Glad to see your enjoying the story despite some mistakes!
Spike's situation here is relatable on a number of levels -- he's frustrated, tired, not thinking straight, and turning to outside sources of information in hopes of finding answers to why he keeps having these repeating thoughts. In this case books, in a number of our cases (I'm pretty sure) the Internet. He's also clinging to an idea which resonates with him, because... if you read something you can relate to deep down inside, it's hard to shake that idea. It's also very comforting to find something like that. This includes any number of interests or ideas.
His situation isn't going to be relatable to everyone that's ABDL, though, and you make it clear he's not a perfect textbook example... nobody is. You're not hitting the audience over the head with this information, though; you're just showing Spike relating a great deal to what he's found in a book.
Anywho, you've build a situation which is going to be relatable to a number of people. That is pretty kewl.
The chapter's mostly written in the past-tense, shifting to the present-tense towards the end. It's only jarring bit.
All in all, quite memorable and quite fun.
8800192
I'm glad you liked this chapter. I really wanted to make this as realistic as possible both connecting to the show and IRL.
Reading this Spike feels in character, doesn't seem overly manipulative, and his scheme is something a lot of AB/DLs can relate to -- creating a smoke screen. Even though Bright Heart probably wouldn't give a flying feather about why Spike is buying the diapers, taking the attention off ones self when making those types or purchases feels... safer. Spike's a type of character who could feel vulnerable to ridicule from, say... Rainbow Dash or, more playfully, Pinkie Pie. There's also having himself exposed, everything about his secret desires, to Twilight... having an off-beat thing or two tucked away to keep to one's self is pretty normal and healthy, but Twilight would probably want to examine his psyche closely to make sure there's nothing wrong, 'cause he's like her little brother. Gosh darn protective instincts
Anywho, back to Bright Heart -- she is written adorably. I really like the pacing of the whole scene... it feels so natural, yet like we're watching each slow century going by while Spike's sweating bullets.
This is very entertaining and very much from the heart. Loving it.
I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter!
It is a shame that there is no internet in Equestria, otherwise Spike could just order some diapers and have them delivered discreetly. He'd still probably be extremely nervous but at least he wouldn't have to show his face while buying diapers.
While I myself have never been in this type of situation (going to a store and buying diapers) I could understand how most would feel. Props to those who have actually done that instead of using the internet.
I've honestly been stuck trying to figure out what Twilight's closest role to Spike would be. She hatched him so technically she would be his mother but she hatched him as a young filly so she could be considered an older sister. It honestly could go either way but it is definitely some food for thought. Regardless, your right about Twilight. If Spike got exposed then depending on the circumstances, Twilight would probably bring Spike to her mad science lab.
I'm also glad you liked Bright Heart. I just wanted a simple character that would still be kind and helpful. She also sorta helped the pacing of the story. I almost felt like this was an episode of a soap opera. So slow but with lots of tension.
Aside from grammar, tense, and spelling mistakes... this story is quite fun. It's also easy to empathize with Spike and his stress, and feeling under-appreciated. It ends happily, Spike is neither rejected or chided, nor is he found out by Twilight. That opens up the possibility to sequels, which, as of this writing I haven't looked at Spike's Complications yet, but it appears to explore these points a bit. If anything this whole story seems like an allegory for newly self-discovered AB with a slightly unhappy, busy life, exploring baby/cub/foal time for the first time.
My favorite bit in the whole story is with Bright Heart. It's tense, but she's very nice... the tension seems very much in Spike's head, but that doesn't make it any less real.
I'm feeling that your strengths might be dialogue and pacing, as well as interaction. These are good strengths to have for MLP, as much of it's character driven.
Please consider, working on keeping a consistent tense while writing. Present or past is fine, though present is much harder to write in. Grammar and spelling mistakes will improve as experience with writing increases, though again I strongly recommend, if you are unable to catch everything as some writers are (I'm guilty of missing things in my own stuff), please consider using the feature that will read your work back to you. It's not perfect, but it helps.
Also people tend to judge more harshly if they catcj mistakes in the first few lines. Caught a small mistake in the opening paragraph -- willbower.
All in all quite enjoyable. Peace
8841261
I'm glad you enjoyed this first story of mine, even with the mistakes.
I'm surprised some of my mistakes weren't pointed out earlier but I guess it's better late than never.
I think my biggest weakness is writing in past, present, or future tense. For some reason I tend not to write with a consistent tense despite telling myself to pay attention to this very issue before writing out each chapter. Even when I reread, for some reason it doesn't "click" in my mind until it's pointed out.
I also can't believe I missed that mistake in the first paragraph. I must've looked over this chapter at least 3 times before posting it, and yet I still missed it every time.... I fixed it now but I'm still surprised at such a mistake appearing right off the bat. I probably would've noticed these issues had I been able to use a computer. Unfortunately I am stuck using my phone which is a pain but I do my best despite the circumstances.
Anyways, thank you for the constructive criticism and the compliments. I really appreciate you not only sticking around for the story, but also sharing your opinions and overall thoughts.
Honestly, I don't blame Spike for getting pissed off. I can't stand Angel!
Aw, I just got this adorable mental image of Spike and Twilight playing a game of chess.
9051896
Yeah, Angel is a bit of a prick. When you first see him in the show, you can just tell that he’s bad news.
9055191 I relished seeing him get hurt in both "Castle Sweet Castle" and "Fluttershy Leans In." His interactions with Spike in both "Dragonshy" and "Just for Sidekicks" was reminiscent of classy Looney Tunes cartoons (just like Pinkie Pie herself), but even in the latter you could tell that the other pets were getting fed up with his behavior.
9071903
I have a continuation of this story out actually. If you are enjoying this then hopefully you’ll enjoy the sequel.
Also, thank you for taking the time to not only read this story but comment on it as well. I love hearing others thoughts, feelings, and opinions.
9071922
Than you very much for the compliment and for sticking around till the end of the story!
Hopefully you’ll enjoy the continuation as much as I enjoyed making it!