An almost unheard sigh was exhaled as Spike prepared himself. He was about to face his greatest challenge and one of his most diobolical enemies, Angel Bunny.... "let's just get this over with. Then I can get the hay out of here and deal with my thoughts on wanting diap-"
"Ugh, I thought I told you to stop thinking these things brain. As for YOU mouth, you almost said the D word out loud! Are you trying to reveal my sick thoughts to the nearest pony or animal; because if you do then I may as well just write freak all over my body!"
As Spike had his inner debate with himself, he reached the door to open it, but there seemed to be a small problem. "Huh? What the hay, why is the stupid door locked?!" One of the animals should have figured Spike was coming over and if this was one of his jobs then Fluttershy should've told her animals about me showing up.
Just then the door cracked open ever so slightly to reveal the devil in white himself as Spike sighed with relief at the fact the door finally opened. Maybe Angel is gonna be easy on me for once.
However upon trying to open the door, that white demon kicked him in the shin while smirking! Just because he is a small bunny doesn't mean he can't hurt you. "Oww! What the buck! Why did you do that! I'm trying to get in so I can feed you guys!
It seemed the little control freak wanted something as he started pointing at him while making wild paw gestures and chatting up some kind of unspoken demand. "Great now I've gotta play charades with this insane fluff ball just to get inside! Can my day get any worse?"
As Spike started to guess, his frustration rose. "What do you want? Me to wipe my clawed feet off, hmm? Knock first? Give you a freaking mate so you can focus on something other than me!
Angel simply frowned and kicked him again for that smart remark, then continued making more gestures, however, this time Spike guessed right. "Ow... what, are you telling me to ask for permission to enter?"
Spike could barley hold back the flames that were about to erupt from his mouth as he saw the bunnys' coy smile, but he realized it'd be better to just get this over with, so with his trained smile and false, yet sincere sounding smile he gave the little bucker what he wanted. "Fine.... Fine then. Ahem, Angel, may I please enter your humble abode."
If Spike thought holding back flames was difficult then keeping himself from gnashing his fangs together while the bunny "considered" his request must've been a challenge.
Finally, after what felt like an eternity just standing there, the bunny opened the door. Of course, Spike didn't want to go back to square one so he gave an even bigger fake smile. "Thank you for allowing my presence."
As Spike entered, quickly and unintentionally returning to an unreadable, stone cold, expression, he walked through the maze of animals, towards the kitchen and set all the bowls around.
Doing just this was a challenge since almost every animal crowded him, impatiently waiting for their food. Not only did they crowd him but they screamed in their own animal languages saying 'Celestia knows what' and invaded his sight practically everywhere he turned.
Every time he stepped over a small animal animal he noticed how much this resembled a cramped and unorganized zoo. There were animal smells of all kinds (luckily not bad smells) and so many different types of animals.
As Spike set the last bowl down, he went back to the kitchen to receive all the food for each differently animal. "Luckily Fluttershy has all this food labeled, otherwise I would have to play many animal charade games" Spike thought to himself as he let out a relieved sigh and continued his work.
After constantly looking over the list and filling what seemed to be hundreds of animal bowls with their correct food, he started looking over a recipe for a dish for the "master" of the house; quite frankly he was appalled at how picky this little puff ball could be when it came to his food.
"All these animals almost remind me of foals because of how much they depend on care from Fluttershy, and because how picky SOME certain animals can be about the food they are fed" Spike thinks to himself as he looks at a picture of an eleborate cherry topped carrot salad.
There is absolutely no way in Tartarus I'm making this dish for a small, naughty, and over all, spoiled bunny with a large ego. I'm sure this is just a dish for special occasions anyways" Spike tells himself as he begins to make a simple yet large salad with a small amount of dressing and carrots... plenty of carrots.
As he placed the quite good looking salad down, Angel is thumping his little rabbit foot in Impatience. "There you go. I made sure to add extra carrots for you.
Angel simply looks at Spike with a frown and clear irritation on his face. "Well, what are you waiting for? This delicious salad I made you isn't going to eat itself."
Angel then chucks the salad at Spike causing him to fall backwards and bump his head as the salad and its ingredients practically explode all around the kitchen. "Ohhh that's going to leave a bump" Spike says groggily and angrily while trying to clear the lettuce leaves from his face.
As the last of the leaves clear Spikes face, he is suddenly slapped and his face is drawn to the white little salad thrower on his stomach, who seems to be holding the very book he was looking at.
It didn't take a genius to figure out what Angel wanted and now Spike had to clean up another big mess made by another individual who was simply trying to use him to get what he wanted, however, this bunny is trying to bully him to get his way, unlike the girls who unintentionally neglect him.
He then stood up and turned away without making a sound, hanging his head and staring at the ground as he barley kept tears from being seen by the bratty bunny.
As Angel Bunny continued looking at Spike with a demanding look, Spike made Angel Bunny another regular salad, but this time it was made much smaller and had less carrots on them.
As Spike began to place the dish down he gave the bunny a cold and almost lifeless look. "I'm done putting up with your attitude. You can either eat this or starve, I don't care which option you choose." He then blew a puff of smoke at the bunny and turned away, deciding to clean up the new mess made instead of giving the bunny attention.
As Spike cleaned up the mess, he recalled similar events where he had received physical pain, even if none of it was from bullying. Being kicked through the air by Rainbow Dash and Applejack during their "Iron Pony" competitions, having countless books accidentally falling or being thrown at you by Twilight, being used as a pin cushion by Rarity, getting pranked by some of Pinkies' more harmful pranks, and Fluttershys' animals giving reverse animal abuse.
"Foals don't have to put up with any of that. If they do get hurt in some way their caregivers patch them up and get lots of love in return, yet look at me, I take far more pain then any of those foals and I don't even get a simple "sorry" in return."
As Spike finished up cleaning he forced out of his mind as he felt more painful kicking and saw Angel (unsurprisingly) refused to listen, but this time Spike didn't feel pain...he felt anger.
Finally, after all the stress acquired this day, from all the self loathing, from his babyish thoughts, and his overall stressful life, Spike finally snapped as all the negativity hit him with full force.
"Do you not understand that I ended our 'conversation' already or are you just that desperate to show your dominance?!"
"Do you realize what I've gone through at all? What I'm going through now, HUH?! NO you don't! I've STRUGGLED, I've SUFFERED and I have had ENOUGH!
"I'm DONE being your slave! If this keeps up tomorrow then you WILL starve because I won't feed you a bucking crumb! Do you get it?! Do you understand?! Spike yelled at the top of his lungs as a small but still very hot stream of green fire escaped uncontrollably from his mouth. He then breathed in and out deeply, almost as if had been completely out of breath.
Every animal stared at Spike in absolute fear including Angel and Spike knew this but he didn't care, he just walked to the door, walked out, and slammed the door shut.
Now with all his anger gone, his feelings became replaced with complete and utter sadness. He then trudged away from the cottage with an unnoticeable tear-drop trail following him, along with a single thought.
"I just want the pain to end, even if only for awhile. Is that so much to ask?"
8747530
Thank you for sticking around and for giving this story a chance!
The story definitely needed a chapter like this one in order to properly progress it in the direction it seems to be going in. Everything to this point has built upon Spike's frustrations while jabbing him with reminders of how foals have it a lot easier than he does. Moreover is how he wishes he wasn't just some sort of tool to be used when his friends went and did things while they were away. You also didn't resort to Spike doing any hands-on physical harm to Angel. Rather he just had an emotional breakdown. One that you address well with his feelings post it all happening.
I also like how you are emphasizing the 'ffreak' aspect of wanting to wear diapers and be like a foal. Lots of folks who have such desires feel this way about themselves for thinking on wanting such things. So this is a very natural path.
8749574
Thank you for your reply!
In truth, I almost did have him wack Angel with his tail hard enough to knock him unconscious along with an even worse mental breakdown which included crazy laughter. I reread that part over and over and then decided to sleep on it and once I woke up I felt so stupid for almost making him cause physical harm to any creature on purpose and for writing him like he belonged in a padded cell...
Let this be a lesson for everyone: If you plan to write or type out ANYTHING while being half asleep then you'd better be prepared to rewrite and face palm many times.
As for the whole feeling like a "freak" part, I'm glad you feel that way because I honestly believe most human beings feel at least slightly disappointed of themselves for some sort of hidden desire and Spikes wish is meant to emphasize how such a sweet and helpful dragon can secretly be filled with self loathing and disappointment. While I can't prove all humans feel this way, I CAN relate, as I have my own disappointment in myself such as wanting to weigh 120lbs even though I should weigh at least 20-40lbs more then that in order to have a healthy body. If someone walked up to me and told me they were absolutely perfect then I'd call them a liar.
Spoiler: I also want to point out that within the next 1-2 chapters, Spike will begin to act on his desires rather than having the constant repetitive "I feel 'this' way and want this" If for some reason you are getting tired of the inner conflict.
That was a good call on not making Spike physically hurt Angel. It makes his emotional distress a lot stronger having not had a 'release' yet. It also tends to make a whole new set of emotions to inflict harm on someone that could've made the story hard to continue. Yelling at Angel is easier to work beyond than knowing you have to explain to Fluttershy why her #1 bunny got injured.
You also are brave to share your life struggle. That's what, in my opinion, makes the MLP community so great. We are all pretty open about our feelings while not fearing letting our true selves show past our fan content.
As you may have guessed, I have a diaper fetish that was brought on as a result of broken childhood. However my broken childhood is a result of being born with a condition that gradually stole all my physical eyesight. I grew up in a small town where nobody really knew how to handle a visually impaired student in mainstream education and had numerous challenges as a result. I am now 100% blind and doing my best to find a solid place in the world despite societal perceptions on what a blind person can do. (I use special computer software to read and write on a computer)
Keep up the great work. You're doing great with making the emotions of Spike lead to what is going to come. I also wish you well as you work to cope with your life struggle. I know I got a lot of help with accepting total blindness and the bothersome diaper fetish from a therapist coupled with friends I made online. Perhaps you, too, can find peace through making pals here on FiM Fiction?
8751714
Losing your sight must be awful, so sorry to hear that. I have a diaper fetish myself and even though I'm writing a story involving diapers, I was afraid to say it out loud. My broken childhood involved my dad mixed with bad psychological abuse. I didn't say anything about that before since I didn't want to look like a person who was begging for attention. I'm glad to see there are lots of kind people willing to talk about themselves and their struggles.
I do really hope I can make lots of friends on here and help out people with their stories if they need it.
Anyways, thanks for a positive and informative reply!
~Sincerely Jordan Olson
You should put more care into your mini-synopsis that appears while browsing stories, since you didn't capitalize the start of it. The first sentence in the full synopsis is also a run-on.
Reading the story, I'm immediately struck by how you're using third-person present tense. There's no *wrong* way to write a story as long as it serves the reader's engagement, but this is like choosing expert mode. Unfortunately, your story has a clunky feel to it as a result. Past tense is by far the most popular for many reasons and unless you're writing stream-of-consciousness first-person (or heaven forbid, second-person), you should probably stick to the path well-traveled until you understand why so few brave its treacherous prose pass.
That brings me to another point, though; this story would have been far better served if written in stream-of-consciousness first-person as the focus is largely on Spike and his internal thoughts. Rather than clumsily inform the reader of the fact that Spike is thinking, you could have simply made everything *be* his thoughts and observations; surely a more elegant solution, yes? Alas, you're invested in your current viewpoint, although I would say you should switch it anyways simply because it would be such a drastic improvement.
Beyond that, you should really consider doing an editing pass. Un-capitalized words at the start of a paragraph are obvious enough for me to spot while speed-scrolling and leave me questioning whether an edit was performed.
There's some hints of decent prose, namely the mini-synopsis, despite the issue I talked about earlier. Some more care and consideration of your approach and the tools available to you would probably result in notable improvement.
May your ink never dry and your quill always have words perched upon its tip.
8753596
Thank you very much for your input, I really appreciate your advice.
You are absolutely right in the sense of my story being a bit clunkier then most other stories.
Truth be told, I originally was going to have the entire story be within the mind of Spike but I didn't feel like the story would be as good if I stayed solely on Spike's thoughts. I also didn't want to feel like I was taking the "easy" route for writing, so I challenged myself a bit (possibly too much).
As for editing, I did look it over before I posted the chapter but most of the time I am half asleep when I'm creating a chapter and all rational thoughts and actions leave my mind.
I can't promise I will be able to change my writing, mostly because even with your advice I wouldn't really know how. This does however, give me a chance to try experimenting with my stories in the future.
I'll probably continue writing my story the way I have been writing it just so the story stays on one consistent path. After this story is finished, I'll try and see if I can kick the nasty "run on" habit and I'll see if I can try improving my writing skills as a whole.
Again, thank you very much for your honest words of wisdom!
~Sincerely Jordan Olson
8754254
Skimming the story, I'm having a hard time finding any real points where you focus on other character's thoughts. Again, that's choosing a far more difficult perspective (third-person omniscient) than most would tackle, since you're stuck with somehow balancing the internal thoughts of every character in such a way that it's still engaging to the reader. You won't find that outside of experimental short stories for good reason, since it's more difficult for the writer and the reader usually.
There isn't an 'easy' way for writing besides relying on tired cliche's and tropes and playing them straight (see: all the stories where a character has a hidden diaper fetish and another character discovers it and instantly decides to start babying them with no real conflict or build-up). Certain viewpoints are chosen because they're effective and optimal for a given story type (if you want a 'challenge', try writing in Perfect Future-Tense and be prepared for your grey matter to implode). Challenge comes from utilizing unique, interesting and effective storylines or writing techniques (for example, one I particularly enjoy are 'perfect transitions' where one sentence leads into another, despite them being entirely different scenes; you can see this in my Teeny Tiny Twilight story, or a visual version of it with Edgar Wright's movie work).
You should be asking at least one other person to look it over, if possible, and read it out loud to yourself. Reading it out loud lets you spot natural pauses or breaks, allowing you to find where commas or periods belong.
8754297
I think I remember reading your story in the past (before I made an account on here) and if I remember correctly, it was very good.
I'll definitely take another look through that story. If I'm lucky, I may be able to improve my writing quite a bit with your suggestions.
I have asked around for proofreaders but none have been interested in the task. That being said, I will make sure to reread out loud and look for those natural pauses and sentence endings.
Not sure how much your suggestions will help since I'm naturally a bad writer (always have been) but I guess I won't know till I try.
~Sincerely Jordan Olson
8754348
The main thing necessary to improvement is to recognise one's own shortcomings and actively trying to improve upon them. You're already doing better than most of the other 'writers' in this niche in both quality and dedication to improvement. Your main issues at this point is consistency in quality and broad style choices. If you're ever wondering how to write something, read a professionally published story and examine how they do things. A good writer is a better reader.
8754421
I agree with you completely.
As human beings we are imperfect. Our imperfections also make us "perfect".
Without mistakes and conflicts, we as people cannot grow and become better, that's why thinking your "perfect" is actually imperfect.
A bit of a paradox but looking hard enough would make you realize it is still true.
As for reading a professional story, I may have to look into that. If I ever get the chance to get a book from the library then I know exactly what book I can get to help me out.
PS: I also want to point out that I've been writing the next chapter and after looking it over, I couldn't believe how many run on sentences I had made!
I must've reread like three times before I had read out loud like you suggested and what do you know, it worked!
So thanks again for that little tip!
~Sincerely Jordan Olson
8754529
Welcome. Reading a story out loud is probably one of the easiest and most effective ways to really notice where you need punctuation (or need to remove it, in the case of fragmented sentences).
If you're looking for something to read, I suggest Terry Pratchett's Discworld series, starting with Mort and Reaper Man (simply because they're some of his best works and there isn't a set order to read them in). Harry Potter is another good option, for obvious reasons.
Spike's interaction with Angel is a lil intense, though the bunny certainly asked for it. The entire exchange between Spike and the animals is setting up an idea which I think I can guess where this is going
Seeing some really awesome advice from Darken here. Sometimes what might also help, though it's not by any stretch perfect, is using Fimfiction's text-to-speech feature. One's eyes can see what they want to see after a while, especially if a section's been poured over more than a few times. Before that came about I remember a while back wanting to describe Pinkie's winter attire, my collaborator pointed out that it was referred to in the story as a "periwinkle scary". Small things can easily be missed, with hilarious result XD
The tense shifting is still a little bit jarring and I felt it was a bit more so in this chapter compared to the last, particularly in the beginning. Then it settles for a bit and starts shifting again more towards the middle. Example:
As he placed the quite good looking salad down, Angel is thumping his little rabbit foot in Impatience.
To keep it consistent with flow so far, changing the line to As he places the quite good looking salad down, Angel is thumping his little rabbit foot in Impatience.
There's also a repeated error where the use of the words then and than are mixed up. People tend to use the word then to convey an idea involving time, commonly in reference to something has happens or happened next -- "then this thing happened". Than is used is introduce the second idea in a comparison -- "I'd rather this thing happen to me than that."
Sorry for being a bit pedantic. Enjoying the story and the humerus exchanges. Hope you're having a good one
8798688
I actually made this chapter even more intense but I decided to tone it down a bit before posting this chapter. Didn't want the story to go too far over the sacred line of OOC. I did write this story mainly to add immense tension within Spike's life while attempting to keep him slightly similar to the show.
Also, thanks for the tips. Then and than have always been my weakness. When writing out a chapter, I look for words spelled wrong and because then and than are both real words that sound and almost "feel" similar I just ignore them because it sounds right to me. I will probably make this mistake many times in future stories/chapters but on the bright side, this mistake (hopefully) isn't bad enough to completely throw anyone off while reading so nobody suddenly has their reading "flow" interrupted. I will attempt to keep my eyes peeled though.
Glad to see your enjoying the story despite some mistakes!
Honestly, I don't blame Spike for getting pissed off. I can't stand Angel!
9051896
Yeah, Angel is a bit of a prick. When you first see him in the show, you can just tell that he’s bad news.