... oh! And Traitors too!
Victorious laughter was a glorious thing. Piercing both ears and wills. Bringing about that pleasant, intoxicating tingling in one, as well as dreadful shivers of fear in another. Signifying achievement and masterful execution. Boastful. Grand!
Chrysalis was having her share of this wonderful feeling and reaction, indeed. Despite the challenge, no, the chore of battling against this fool, she had done it!
Her plan’s first step had been taken... She planted it firmly and royally in the ground. Or, on the desk, in this particular case, which made the mahogany court and ivory towers of paperwork tremble!
“Finish your scribbling fast, Legal Basis, there is work to be done!”
“Done in but a few seconds, ma’am,” the official replied and for once his pleasantly kind tone did not sound to Chrysalis like hidden mockery. No, this was the voice of a loyal servant, without a shadow of a doubt!
And, indeed, after but a moment, the pony put down the last letter and set aside the quill.
“It was a pleasure, devising and entering this deal alongside you, ma’am. Let us then proceed without hesitation.”
Oh, those words gave her the good flutters. “Hmmm, I enjoy greatly when servants show proper initiative. What would you have in mind first, my Traitor?”
“Following the contract to the letter, ma’am,” Legal Basis declared, his keenly dead eyes... suddenly deadly keen?
Before Chrysalis was able to discern what that sign could mean, the stallion clapped his hooves.
Wham!
The doors behind her not so much opened as fell off the hinges. At least twenty of the local guards burst in. Spears, nets, chains, arcane-dampening rings... even a straitjacket... at the ready.
“What?! What the...?!” is all Chrysalis could shout before a ring of steel surrounded her almost entirely.
... not to mention the room immediately getting rather stuffy. Twenty-two tense characters rammed into an office would do that.
Well... twenty-one tense characters. For when Chrysalis, stiff as a statue not to jab herself with any of the sharp objects pointed at her, gazed with shock at Legal Basis, he was but calmly organizing the paperwork before him.
She had, thankfully, enough room to speak still. Not that she could say too much.
“B-But...! But you...! And—!”
“Chrysalis Aurelia, Queen Monarch of the Changeling Hive, you are hereby under arrest,” his polite voice told her.
“Wh—?!” she screeched and the guards crept closer still. She felt the tip of a spear against her throat, but she just gently moved it aside with her hoof. “Just a moment, please—what?!”
“You are hereby under arrest, ma’am,” the stallion repeated himself, giving her a most terrible, courteous look.
“But...! But we signed the Indenture!” she protested, not understanding anything of what was happening!
Well... that was nothing new, but this time it felt even worse! Like, “room-full-of-guards-worse”!
“That we did, ma’am,” Legal Basis affirmed, tapping the ream in before him with his hoof. “I have also asked whether you would like to proceed to fulfilling the Indenture as soon as I am done writing. Which is what is happening, ma’am.”
Chrysalis looked all around, finding only the merciless fierceness and dangerous items aimed at her. “How is this the fulfillment of the contract?!”
The stallion just pointed around. “ ‘This’... or, rather, ‘those’, are ponies that are making sure that you are satisfied with the results of the deal you have voluntarily entered, ma’am.”
“How does that make sense?!” she protested, reaching out for the papers, though finding herself restrained by spears first. “Sorry, yes, one minute – here, this Indenture here, right?” She patted the front page fiercely, having picked it up for him to see clearly. “ ‘High Treason Indenture’, right? Right?”
“Yes, ma’am, that’s what we have both entered.”
She almost made a hole through the paper. “ ‘Legal Basis, Imperial Tax Collector of the Crystal Empire’, yadda yadda yadda, ‘hereinafter referred to as: Traitor’!”
The aforementioned tilted his head a little. “That is correct, ma’am.”
“Are you dense?! ‘Traitor’!”
“That is correct, ma’am.”
“Ugh!” She planted the paper back down on the mahogany and read onward. Loud. Panicked. “... ‘and: Chrysalis Aurelia, Queen Monarch of the Changeling Hive, Manehattan, 6th Avenue’, all of this, all of that!” She followed the dotted lines to the bottom of the page, then flipped it to continue the desperate recounting. “... ‘hereinafter referred to as: Betrayed’!”
She slid the paper his way, so he could see for himself that this was what the Indenture was covering!
But the stallion just glanced at her incredulously. “What is your point, ma’am?”
“I am the other party!”
“That you are, ma’am.”
“I, Chrysalis Aurelia!”
“Indeed, ma’am.”
“I am Betrayed! Betrayed!” She tapped the word with her hoof so hard, she could feel the rapping right in her mind.
... oh, no, wait, that was somepony inside trying to get her attention. They said their name was ‘Reason’.
She told them to wait in the anteroom and be patient, she had a meeting already.
“Then what are you doing?!” she returned to this ridiculous conversation with the, suddenly, dimwit! “You are supposed to be my Traitor! And I am the Betrayed in this deal!”
“Right again, ma’am.”
“Wh—”
Slam!
Mr. Reason turned out to be very rude and impatient! He broke into Chrysalis’ mind office with no less fervor than the guards had! The nerve!
And it turned out he had but one word to bring to her attention! What a waste of time, just as she was trying to show what was wrong—
She blinked.
What was, indeed, wrong...?
She looked back at the paper. She turned it around to see better.
It did not work.
Well, it did. But it did not make anything better.
“... ‘Betrayed’...?”
Space snorted into its coffee and Time stopped for a moment to facehoof.
Only then did Chrysalis’ jaw hit the desk finally.
“Excuse me?!”
“That is the designation of the other party of the High Treason Indenture, ma’am, yes,” Legal Basis affirmed, his tone not changing even a note. His smile was the same too. He flipped the first page calmly and began reading.
Reading something that was just below that previous remark.
“Article One, Subsection One – ‘The Betrayed willingly and with full understanding of their act allows and grants permission and clearance to the Traitor to conduct immediate and purposeful actions considered by praxis and custom to be: treasonous, double-crossing, mutinous, insubordinate, perfidious, unfaithful, subversive, duplicitous, seditious et cetera et cetera; the result of which should be an act of betrayal.’ ”
Chrysalis’ eyes widened enough to perceive other realities, but she could spot with ease that all the other Chrysalises were just as shocked as she was.
“Subsection Two – ‘The Traitor willingly and with full understanding of their act agrees to conduct immediate and purposeful actions hereinbefore evoked and guarantees to undertake those with utmost and thorough care and forethought.’ ” The stallion brought her attention to the corresponding words. “As you can see, ma’am, I am fulfilling the Indenture to the best of my abilities, just as it has been agreed upon...”
Chrysalis grabbed her own counterpart and inevitably found the exact same words, down to the comma.
... she could use a coma.
“... why would you even have an act like that prepared?!”
Legal Basis shrugged a little. “Actually, this is something of a routine practice and training of mine, ma’am. Many actions in the lives of ponies could benefit from precise and clear sets of rules and regulations. Why not have a little more than the usual forethought, just like the one mentioned in the Indenture?”
Chrysalis chirped something incomprehensible. “B... but... no, no!” This was unimaginable and she was not going to just accept this absurd! She had to figure something out! “You tricked me! I did not realize—”
Legal Basis, his expression again immaculate, extricated the last page from below its countless, paper brethren and spread before her on the desk.
“Is this your signature, ma’am?”
“N—” she began, but the, rather obvious, letters of her name and her distinct font were betraying her. What was it with all those betrayals, she just wanted one! One, little one! “Y-yes, but...! But...! But I had no idea—!”
“Article Three Thousand Five Hundred Seventy-Two, Subsection One – ‘By signing the Indenture, both parties confirm, assert and guarantee, that they agree to each, every and all stipulations, after having every opportunity of familiarizing themselves with those, debunking any errors of judgment or wants of understanding,’ ” Legal Basis exclaimed.
It would be a wonderful, triumphant declaration, if not for his constant, polite behavior.
“But...! But—!”
“Ma’am, have I or have I not instructed you as to the nature of signing this Indenture when it comes to errors of judgment or wants of understanding?”
“I—”
“Ma’am, have you signed the document afterwards?”
“Y—”
“Have you expressed elation over entering the contract through victorious laughter, a glorious thing, piercing both ears and wills, bringing about that pleasant, intoxicating tingling in one, as well as dreadful shivers of fear in another, signifying achievement and masterful execution, boastful and grand?”
He was so on point even the present guards exchanged glances and nodded.
“Oh, get lost, will you?!” Chrysalis protested, but the spears had the majority. “How... how did you even summon them?” she asked Legal Basis and he rushed to answer.
“I never work overtime, ma’am, it would be a sign of bad organization of one’s shifts, as well as an unnecessary drain on the Empire’s finances. Mrs. Hunt-and-Peck knew well that such a decision meant the situation being critical in some way.” He pointed at the guard holding the lone straitjacket. “A safety precaution for myself, actually, though surprisingly often in use for the petitioners. Most curious,” he admitted, furrowing his brow.
Chrysalis blinked. “No idea why would that be the case?”
“Genuinely no, ma’am.”
Figures.
“So—”
“Oh, speaking of finances, ma’am, I hope that you are satisfied with the contract so far and shall fulfill your obligations to the Empire and the Diarchy of Equestria.”
Chrysalis did not even reply. Why would she?
It was just... waiting for more bad news. And Legal Basis, indeed, flipped the pages calmly back to the matter of his own payment.
“Article Five, Subsection Four – ‘The Betrayed moreover agrees, that the successful and exhaustive fulfillment of the act of betrayal (vide: Article One, Subsection One and the following) shall carry with itself the obligation of paying all dues to the Traitor’s employers and/or feudal sovereigns, consequent of the Betrayed’s possible, prior actions against the Traitor’s employers and/or feudal sovereigns, be those satisfactions, compensations, repair bills, punitive damages, tips et cetera et cetera’...”
Forget bad news. Being outplayed was one thing, getting caught – another...
...but paying anything back?
This was a disaster. A cataclysm. An absolute washout.
Chrysalis took a deep breath as she looked to the side, focusing on a... particular solution.
There was one, last way of saving face in this situation.
Though it did mean putting the rest of the head in danger.
Ah, well, she had probably suffered enough mental trauma already for this being just insignificant by default.
“I... have to say, Mr. Basis, this was the swiftest carrying out of a deal I have ever witnessed in my long life,” she admitted, straightening up, which cause the weapons around to rattle. “Really, give me a second here, would you? But... may I have one more request, concerning this agreement between us?” she asked, her tone surprisingly... level-headed.
“Yes, ma’am? Anything I can do to help you further?” the stallion asked with honest interest.
“I believe that there might be one more action to undertake. To make this act of betrayal one to fully satisfy both us and any third parties.”
“I’m listening, ma’am. What would you be referring to?” Legal Basis inquired on.
“Would you be willing to take your truncheon...” She pointed at the oaken club which, through this whole time, had been patiently awaiting its further recognition. “... and slug me across my stupid head? Just for good measure?”
Legal Basis contained the enthusiasm he shared with his weapon. “That is, naturally, permissible, ma’am. Please, would you kindly rest your head on the desk, this will only take a moment.”
Well, she had a good run. And considering her past misdeeds, being bludgeoned by a traitorously tactful formalist was... not the worst way to be bested.
Better a legal battle than an actual one... though the latter were less complex and messy.
Chrysalis sighed and bent forward, almost lackadaisically putting her temple against the desk.
The stallion spoke up. “Before we proceed and for the record, ma’am... I don’t believe your head to be stupid. You fulfilled your part as the Betrayed party with praiseworthy professionalism.”
She smirked. Wasn’t that nice? “Thank you, Mr. Basis. Any chances of further dealings between us in the future, perhaps?”
“I cannot see a reason why not, ‘miss Ladybug’,” he amiably responded, actually eliciting a chuckle out of her. “Don’t worry, ma’am, I’m a natural. Are you comfortable and ready?” he asked, weighing the blackjack in his hoof.
Could she refuse such a nice stallion?
“Stand and deliver, Mr. Basis.”
“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’.”
Whack!
...
“Anything else, ma’am?”
...
“I’ll take that as a ‘no’. “
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Did, he not realize he screwed her over?
8714980
It's more confusion over her confusion - she entered the deal willingly, so...
Called it.
Aw so polite still, I think he is genuine in likely not even disliking her, good clean hit too.
This was even more glorious than I expected. I suspect, in the future, should the opportunity arise, Chrysalis will be a great deal more cautious about paperwork.
lol great story man
I called this development too, it was obvious from when she didnt read the documents XD.
8715138
Good job!
8715169
Politeness can be shown in all kinds of ways.
8715189
You live, you learn... you read the whole deal.
8715193
Thank you very much.
8715653
Well, only she is to blame!
Bravo! I'd hoped to see more interactions between the now well defeated chrysalis and legal basis but i think this was a good end! thank you author for the enjoyable read!
8716101
Thank you for considering it enjoyable. I might return to Legal in the future and who says there won't be both new and old victims coming to visit.
8715002
I ship it.
8716124
You are, surprisingly, not alone.
8716125
Can we have a shipfic?
8716139
Hmmm... Something sweet, silly and not making a lot of sense...? Maybe at one point? I don't know.
This is so hilarious
Stand and deliver, my friend 
But the fact that this story is based on real events scares me a little
8716352
I have an interesting set of clients sometimes and one has to be professional to all of them.
8716142
Please.
I've had too manay ships burned in the past few years.
8716838
I will see what I can do in the future.
8716881
Thanks
And this is why I don't trust bureaucrats!
They try this sort of thing all the time.
8716142 Next, he writes up a marriage contract.
8717348
Who knows, maybe. If she is not going to read the fine print...
Ooh, this was a great story! How about Flim & Flam next!
8717667
Hmmm! Not a bad concept! A lot of potential back and forth!
8718098
Thanks! I think there might be potential contrasting the brothers show with Legal's calm demeanor. :)
Well played!
8718446
Why, thank you.
This was the stupidest, smartest, and funniest way to trounce someone. If I can ever reach this level of asshole I will make sure to thank you for the inspiration. Also, Legal Basis should be an actual character in the show. Failing that, please ship him with Twilight.
8719354
I might have another ship with Twilight in the works in another story of mine, but thank you for your praise, I appreciate it greatly!
Great story! You see? Something fantastical can come out of all the bureaucratic hell your job obviously puts you through!
I’m looking forward to a sequel with Sombra, recently done taking over the Crystal Empire, taking his royal self into Legal’s office, investigating reports of a curiously effective pony who keeps threatening his flunkies...and anypony else who goes there.
8722117
That might be worth the shot, but other tales call for the moment. Fell free to check those and, of course, stay tuned. One never knows...
8722530
Will do.
I'm curious what other tricks Legal has up his sleeve, especially when facing a much more dangerous opponent.
Fire spouted from the edges of Sombra's eyes. He put his forehooves on the mahogany desk, towering over the tax collector, who for his part sat calmly at his desk, completely nonplussed. The unicorn king snarled. "Did you just tell me 'Your money or your life'?!?!?!"
Legal's smile never wavered. "My apologies, Dread Lord. A habit from my previous employment I have trouble breaking."
Sombra raised his head upwards and let out a deafening bellow of laughter. Eventually, he smiled thinly back down at the smaller pony. "Don't apologize! That's the funniest thing anyone's had the brass warm-ones to say to me in centuries! Intentionally or not!"
This was, without a doubt, the most mind-numbingly bureaucratic but FUNNY stories I've read in awhile.
To think there are actually people who deal with this level of bureaucracy ON A DAILY BASIS. (shudder)
8736125
Trust me, it sometimes makes me shudder too, and I'm right in this mess.
I'm very happy you enjoyed yourself!
8722542
Rumour has it that Legal struck a bargain with Tirek with his soul. Tirek did not read the binding, blood contract carefully and ended up bargaining his soul to Legal. Tirek is now in arrears after defaulting on his down-payments.
This reminds me of the... Russian, I think it was, who copied, altered, and signed an agreement with a bank- The original version having a horrifically unfair loan rate in the time print; the alteration changing it to a fair one. The bank, of course, assumed it was an unaltered copy and signed the document without reading it. Ultimately, as both parties had signed the document, when the bank tried to fight being forced to hold up their unintentional end of the bargain, they lost.
8918359
Check the fine print always. No matter who you are, in what position you are and who is trying to screw whom over. Check. The. Fine. Print. Please.
Huh. So that's where Discord's opposite number ended up. Always nice to see the good guys... well, the lawful guys win in style, no matter how unintentionally.
I mean, screwing over your enemies? Standard fare. But getting your enemies to explicitly request, nay, demand that you screw them over and that they should pay you for the privilege? Now that is class.
9128857
That is extensive legal training, my friend.
Have to hand it to him. Model of professionalism.
10680208
He would be most glad to hear that.
Damage from Good sources is holy. Damage from Evil sources is unholy.
Damage from Lawful sources is legal.
10680226
... with your permission, I'll keep that in mind for my next D&D session.
10680229
You certainly can. I've used the quip playing a guard sarge working with a paladin.
Paladin: UNDEAD! *douses target in holy water* (It's actually a charmed and illusioned victim made up to look like a walking corpse, with the hope that the paladin will murder an innocent victim and commit an evil act . No effect.)
Me: *saps victim for subdual damage, knocking them out cold*
Paladin: Undead can't be waylaid! How did you defeat that monster?
Me: The innocent are only immune to holy damage, Sir, I'm a Guardsman of the Dale, we deal legal damage.
10680263
I think it could be a cousin of Psychic damage in certain circumstances. Or maybe a way of circumventing immunity to that one!
That was amazing.
Gonna read the next one tomorrow! 
10681593
Joyous to bring joy!
This is more than I could ever have hoped for. You are an evil genius, and I dearly hope to never get on your bad side.
8918359
I seem to recall a similar case in the US was rejected under the notion of 'unexpected terms'. That could be me confusing an analysis with something actually happening though.
Amusing thoguht: the doctrine that something of value must be exchanged might apply here (well, depending on crystal Empire laws). Chrysalis does not actually gain 'something of value' in the deal that we see... Perhaps she receives a peppercorn a year from Basis? That might be amusing.
10682480
I heard it's a great feeling to have a rival like me, but I understand.
Happy to provide!
10682919
I mean, I could argue that, taking into consideration old Changeling societal norms, gaining a new enemy could be considered "something of value".