Twilight's Pirate Adventures

by David Silver

13 - Pirate Lord

Spike wriggled his fingers at the pony he knew. "Hey, Derpy. Why are you here?"

Derpy waved eagerly at Spike, then Twilight and the others. "Hello! I'm here to make a delivery." She put a hoof to her chest, looking proud. "It's what mailmares do."

Twilight nodded stiffly. "I suppose that's true. Who to? Celaeno?"

Celaeno advanced on Derpy. "I hope it is, sitting on my deck and all." Her eyes shifted between the box and the pegasus perched on it.

Derpy shook her head. "Well, maybe?! What makes you the best pirate?"

Celaeno frowned a little with thought, the sea wind ruffling her feathers in the quiet moment. "Mmm, I have a sense of decency to go with my appetite for adventure," she put forward with a smirk.

Derpy shook her head, clearly unsatisfied. "I'm going to be looking forever..."

Boyle lifted his massive shoulders, his hands going palm-side up in a mighty shrug. "If ye know what makes a perfect pirate, why ain't ye a pirate?"

Derpy stood up, peering at Boyle with wide eyes. "That's... a great idea!" Her chest fluffed out. "I will be the best pirate ever!"

Spike pointed at the box. "Well, if you're the best pirate, why don't you show us what's in the box, if it's addressed to you."

Derpy started. "O-oh, hey, you're right. If I'm a best pirate, then the box is mine." She giggled as she grabbed the edge of the box in her hooves, prying it free despite lacking fingers. It popped open, swinging easily once she got it a little open. Inside rested one fine pirate's hat about ten years past its prime.

She was not bothered by its age. She grabbed it and plopped it on her own head. "This is the best!" She clopped her forehooves together wildly as she bounced up and down on her hind legs. "Look at me, best pirate!"

While Derpy was distracted, Celaeno reached a pegleg over and got it just over the edge of the box, pulling it closer to peer inside. There was packing straw, but no gold. Not a single doubloon awaited the one that claimed the hat. It had just held a hat. "Curse him to Davey's Locker!" She fumed, punching one palm with the opposing hand.

"What's wrong?" asked Derpy, perking her ears at Celaeno through slits already in the hat. "It's a nice hat, in't it?"

Celaeno rolled a hand. "Yeah, yeah, perfect hat. It was supposed to come with gold." She kicked the box away, crystal striking wood and sending it sliding away across the deck. "Not a scrap! That old codger lied to us!"

Derpy lifted into the air with a bright smile. "You know who sent this? I have to thank them for giving me such a great gift." She reached up and adjusted the hat carefully, getting it precisely off-balance on her head. "It fits and everything. How'd they know?"

Twilight suddenly laughed, turning to face Moll's ship. "He was over there, but he may have just been kicked off his ship, come to think. Spike?"

"Yeah?" He was already climbing up onto Twilight. "Ready!"

"We'll be right back." Twilight lifted into the air. "Follow me, Derpy. We may end up saving him."

"We're gonna save somepony?!" She followed after Twilight, eyes shining with the idea of being a hero.

---

Angry growls rose as swords were drawn. The old chipmunk backed up slowly towards a pile of boxes, chuckling softly as he went. "Let's not be hasty, m'hearties. We've been friends for years, be a shame to end it this way, mm?"

"Ye had yer chance," angrily growed a lean dog with a scimitar at the ready. "If we ain't got a new pirate lord, we can at least get rid of the old one."

"Yeah!" agreed a tiny cat, an equally tiny rapier held in her hands in a two-handed stance that didn't seem to fit the slender rapier. "Ye've sat on the pot for too long."

"That isn't so!" assured Greybeard even as he tripped backwards over one of the boxes, coming crashing down into the pile, sending lumber tumbling down all around him.

One of the advancing pirates, a female capybara, laughed. "I think he may have just did our job fer us. See if he's alive. I'd rather get some fun out of it."

The others grumbled, but moved forward quickly, tossing aside boxes as they dug around to find the potentially squished lord of pirates. "Wait!" came a sudden cry. Several looked up to see a pony princess flying towards them with a dragon on her back. Just behind and beside her was a grey pegasus with walled eyes and a grin.

An aged snout poked free of the debris as Greybeard pulled himself free of the mess he made. "Sorry fer that. Gravity gets stronger with age, let me tell you, now as I were say... Hey!" He pointed an aged finger at Derpy. "Hey! Is that me hat?!"

Derpy looked up as best she could. "I think maybe? Does it look nice?" She twirled in the air, the hat twirling with her but at a slightly slower rate, resulting in it stopping at the wrong angle and leaning all the more dangerously. "I really like it, thank you for sending it to me."

Greybeard dropped to a knee stiffly. "Behold! Your new Pirate Lord!"

The others blinked in one confused mass. The little pirate pointed her rapier at Derpy. "Her?!"

"She has the hat, she's the lord. Now let me retire in peace." He struggled back to his feet. "Good luck with it, miss. I'm sure you'll make me proud."

Spike slid up closer to Twilight's head. "I think we were just in time," he whispered to her.

Twilight rotated an ear back at him. "Just in time... maybe." She smiled awkwardly at Derpy. "Is this what you want?"

Derpy was starting to giggle, like a little purr that built into a full-volume guffaw. "I get to be Pirate Lord! Yes! Finally, the world will know my amazing abilities!" She thrust a hoof into the air, the hat finally giving up the ghost and dropping from her head. She grabbed for it as it fell, but her hooves didn't even find each other, let alone the hat she was aiming for.

It fell over the tiny cat, concealing her from view. "Hey!" came a tiny voice of complaint before the hat was plucked up by a dog.

"Ha. It's mine now," claimed the boxer with a grin. "All bow to yer Pirate Lord." He put it on his head proudly.

Derpy pointed at him. "Hey, that's mine!"

The boxer looked ready to object, but the crowd turned against him. Several hands grabbed at him, one snatching the hat free and giving it back to Derpy. "What's the deal?" barked the accosted dog. "I got the hat, that makes me the Pirate Lord!"

Greybeard smiled crookedly. "I'm glad some of ye scurvy rats remember the rules. Only the Pirate Lord can pass on the title, and I didn't hear your new lord passing anything on."

Derpy made sure her hat was perfectly misaligned. "As your Pirate Lord, my first rule is... No stealing what isn't yours."

A fox yipped out a laugh. "Then what makes us pirates? Taking what ain't ours is half of what defines us."

Derpy tapped her chin. "Oh, um, hm... Well, you can at least not do it to each other. That's just not nice. We're one big family." She spread her hooves. "We should be good to each other."

There were some grumbles, but that order was far better than just not stealing at all. Twilight flapped closer to Derpy, smiling hopefully. "As the new leader of this nation, I would like to formally approach you on behalf of Equestria."

A hand grabbed each of Twilight's hooves suddenly, yanking her downwards. Spike barely got out a yelp before he was wrenched free of Twilight. In barely any time at all, both were tied up tight.

Derpy lowered to the dockside, looking over the two. "Um, why'd you do that?" she asked of the eager pirates that seemed to be presenting the two to her like a sort of gift. "I didn't ask for a princess, but I never had a princess before. Are princesses good to have?" She seemed to consider what she would do with a princess gift. "And a free dragon too? You guys are so generous!"

The fox patted Twilight on the head. "We can't steal from each other, but a little ransoming of a princess to Equestria ain't against any rule. Should be plenty of coins for everyone involved, eh, Pirate Lord?" He suddenly frowned. "Speakin' of that, what's yer name?"

Derpy sat up. "O-oh, right, pirate name, um... I am Pirate Lord Muffins!" She thumped her chest. "I would like one of those. What flavors do you have around here?"

Twilight spat out the rope that had been gagging her. "Derpy! You can't just leave us tied up here."

Derpy took a firm step towards Twilight, grinning in a way that could be confused for malign, if it weren't so goofy. "Oh, no, we can't leave a princess like that. Ransom her, but not for money. We'll give her back if Equestria promises to leave all pirates alone."

"Derpy!" Twilight exclaimed. Power had gone to her friend's head quickly. "What are you doing?!"

Derpy tapped Twilight on the nose. "Boop," she said as she did it. "Stop being upset. We'll get you back to Equestria, we just want less ships bothering ours. That's what a good Pirate Lord would do, right?"

The fox blinked twice. "Sink me and take me stash if that don't sound right. All hail the new Pirate Lord! All hail Muffins!"

"Muffins! Muffins!" the crowd shouted in joyful unison. They had a new pirate lord, and she seemed to be ready to do things they wanted to be part of.

Derpy extended her wings, brushing them against Twilight's cheeks. "Bring her to my quarters. I'll hold onto her until we get word from Equestria." She pointed a hoof at Spike. "Bring him too."

Soon they were in a finely appointed room. Derpy flew around, looking at all the various shiny bits that littered the room. "Wow, I didn't even know I had a quarters. I just thought it was the right thing to say."

Spike shrugged as best he could in the ropes. "Um, yeah, so... what do you plan to do with us?"

Derpy spun in the air. "Let you go, of course." She landed in front of Twilight and began pulling at her ropes with her teeth, awkwardly attacking them. "I was just pretending."

When the ropes fell down around Twilight, she stood up. With a glowing horn, she teleported Spike a foot forward without his ropes, freeing him as well. "Derpy, you are the Pirate Lord. If you leave with us, it would cause quite a bit of harm."

"It would?" Derpy crashed to her haunches. "Oh... Did I mess up again?" She fidgeted in place. "I didn't mean to, I promise! Why does this always happen to me?! I thought I was fixing things..."

Spike counted on his claws. "The way I see it, you have two, um, three choices. One, you be the Pirate Lord. Two, you pick someone else to be Pirate Lord. Three, you run away and let everyone be angry at you."

Twilight grabbed the rope in her magic and twirled it around herself, but it was loose and didn't even hinder her from walking around. "Oh no, you've caught us." She leaned in. "Miss Pirate Lord, shall we negotiate?"

Derpy blinked quietly a moment before she began bobbing her head fiercely. "Yes! Yes please. But I have big demands." She clopped a hoof on the wooden floor. "My people have needs and wants, and Equestria has some of what they want, so you better be ready for, um, what's the word?"

"Negotiations?" offered Spike with a raised brow.

"Yeah, that. Lots of that." Derpy clapped her hooves, ready to haggle a deal with Twilight.

The pirates had suffered worse lords.

Author's Note:

And.... fin. All hail Pirate Lord Muffins!

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Comments

[xDHannibalxD]

This ending felt like an april fools chapter tbh.

[Anon E Moose]

All Hail Pirate Lord Muffins

[Booster Spice]

All they need now is talks with the cows and the bees for cream and honey and they can finish off the muffins with toppings?

[VikingOtaku6]

Pirate Lord Muffins? Truly, we live in the Best Timeline.

[badninja]

Why am I not surprised that good ol Derpy won. Good for her.

[Twilight_Shimmer]

As i said in the previous chapter. "I for one welcome our new Pirate Overlord!" May she reign cutely for years to come!

[tsaukpaetra]

Aww, and here we thought she might have had to spend more time searching. The old coot and his humor wouldn't have worked if a less dedicated mailmare was sent. Hmmm...
Well, they have the support of two ships at least, but since none other knew of the challenge will they accept the succession so readily? Perhaps...
Keep going! ;)

[MJP]

why does no one seem to understand that Historically, Pirates were the bad guys

who murdered

and raped

[David Silver]

8899648
Awful people.

Still funny to read and write about.

[Crystal Treasure]

All hail the new Pirate Lord! Yay!

than the box is mine.

then

[Zilverfoss]

8899648

Sure, bunch of them did that - they were outlaws or mercenaries.

Pirates are probably romanticised so much today because in their time, they were people doing whatever they seemingly wanted, in the face of world spanning empires and rigid social orders. (We all love underdogs)

And what many seemingly wanted, did include raping and pillaging those even less fortunate than themselves... Which by history standards is, pretty standard.