When things didn't turn out how Twilight expected them to be, she eventually got caught in Nightmare Moon's trap. Now with Nightmare Moon out threatening the peace of Equestria, and Twilight shifted to the dark side as Nightmare's second-in-command, how would the rest of the Mane 6 save the world?
A/N:
****I know this excuse is getting old, but this is my first try of a fanfic, hope you brutally massacre my hopes and dreams.
***I never get enough of evil Twilight fics... I read at least five of them by now, but that doesn't stop me from making another.
**Special thanks to my pre-reader and boyfriend Shinkotsu123 for being forced to read my story(well actually he doesn't read it at all >.>), Giuliabeck for letting me borrow this art for my cover image and warlord487 for lending me his written version of the first episode of MLP:FiM entitled 'Friendship is Magic', I don't know what I could've done without you guys ^^.
*No ponies were harmed at the making of this fanfic. Maybe. All MLP:FiM characters are the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust and I am proud to steal them for the making of this crappy, pathetic, sad excuse for a fanfic. Enjoy.
Basically this is just a written repeat of the first episode of MLP:FiM Season 1, which I have borrowed from warlord487's story*. Except for the last parts anyway. Everything from start to finish is what you have watched in the real first episode, as depicted by the artistic imagination of warlord487 (I might've omitted some words here and there, check out his work for the original version
) . I just think a history background for my story is more appealing for the continuation of my story (even though 99% of readers would already know this history). But if you don't wanna read what you already know, skip it till the part where the Summer Sun Celebration is starting, that's where my story deviates from the original.
Also my way of story telling would be different in contrast to the first chapter, as you will notice later on, since this entire chapter is more or less a copy pasta from another author's work. Thanks.
P.S. You may now begin downvoting
*warlord487's original version can be found here.
981486
I really liked it! It was pretty awesome for your first story! Keep up the good work!
moar
Not bad, looking forward to more.
Time for criticism. The retelling of the pre-Summer Sun Celebration events is all in past tense, but when you start driving into new content (starting from "The Summer Sun Celebration went off without a hitch, but the uneasiness Twilight Sparkle is feeling is still eating at her guts"), it wavers back and forth between past and present tense. Unless you are using present tense for stylistic purposes, expository text should be in past tense. Also, write out numbers (sixth versus 6th).
I'm going to fave since I am also a fan of evil Twi stories but I did find it a bit disappointing to open up a 7,000+ word chapter for most of it to only be a recap of the bulk of the first episode. Still, I am looking forward to where you will take this.
981486 Did you forget to publish chapter 2? It's not showing up.
I really can't see the point of dumping the whole recap when a small abridged version of the key points would work just as well, if not better, or you could have just started just before the point of divergence.
Then your first action is send Twilight unprepared, meaning without even taking a look around the library for information on the Creepy Forest, without any supplies, without warning anypony and without leaving a note as a back up plan specially considering her noticing a sinister presence seems completely OOC for a pony that needs checklist for checklists. To me Twilight would be more scared of disappointing Celestia for going unprepared anywere than facing the end of the word because she didn't check a bad feeling nopony else seemed to have.
Interesting, but familiar, story. Probably worth following. Before any further judgment I'd have to follow the story for a little while longer. I don't want you to think I consider it a bad story, but more than half of the chapter it's both a recap of things already known, you haven't changed anything in the recap making it worth reading it, the recap itself is largely the work of another author, and lastly the first action on Twilight's part seems a little out of character from my perspective, Objectively I really don't have much I can compliment on aside for the summary and the concept of the story.
...
THIS
IS
SO
945137 I like what you did with this story. I half expected it to have a change in the voice when you diverged from the original, but I must say it went quite smoothly. Good job.
yay corrupted twiligt, my fave kind of story
and am gonna read it
oh gods this is awesome
I did like the story, and by that I mean the part of it that was your story, and not Ep.1.
I did not like having to skim over about 70% of that, it pained me so.
But, I digress, I really want to see where this will be going.
I never see enough evil Twilight so I was pretty happy when this come up.
MUST READ AFTER WORK!!!!
Moar
I can't wait for new chapter. I haven't read an evil Twilight story yet, so this will be new and this shows great promise.
too short need more!
I know how it feels to be new. I'm a new user with sadly not many views on my fan-fic. So you aren't alone. Great story though!
It was frankly annoying to have to read through a story that I have practically memorized already just to reach the 20% that was new; was it really necessary to include all that?
The actual story is interesting, but the writing could use improvement.
I have no idea if it is really necessary to retell Chapter One like that but honestly it is more intended for my real life friends who haven't watched the show at all in reading a work I made. Yeah... I did warn in the comments to skip to the Summer Celebration part... hehehe....
982191
I have a major present-past tense problem... I really do... hopefully writing this fic will help me improve on it... or I need an editor
982226
Consarn it! I thought that comment won't show up until I can publish my Chapter Two which is next Saturday
982544
Thanks, I hope the other chapters won't disappoint!
982322
I don't know how to show a character's perfect personality sadly, I kind-of chalked it up with Twilight being agitated and concerned about the prophecy, and her being a soloist for most of her life until she discovered friendship.
---
And wow, I can't believe people would actually want to read this, I honestly thought it will be pure garbage as I have not written a story before, I do hope Chapter Two would live up to your expectations but I already feel scared inside that it won't... Celestia help me
Now this is something I've always attempted to look forward: Twilight becoming corrupted by Nightmare Moon's power.
A great Re-telling my friend :3!
I usually don't like the evil Twilight stories, but this is actually pretty well made. You have earned my like + fav.
This.... looks.... interesting.....
983809 Just remember that no matter how it turns out, the people of fimfiction are always helpful with criticism and recommendations, etc. Everypony is respected, and a less-than-perfect chapter won't change that.
As soon as I started reading this, the song, For the New Lunar Republic, started playing on my iTunes... Anyways, looking forward to reading this and hopefully the coming chapters.
I thought the sixth element was always known to exist, but couldnt be identified? Anyways great ending! I been reading too many romantics and happy fics, time for some adventure and dark, which I am hoping you will be able to deliver.
985591
To each his own theory on these I guess, who knows, I would delve in deeper on the mystery on the Elements in the later chapters. Also what is this song you mentioned? I demand to hear it NAO
990009
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sf0tYs5U5RI
The opening somehow fitted with what I was reading at the time.
990386
Haha yeah, oh man I can just imagine this background music in Celestia and Nightmare Moon's confrontation/fighting scene
Hm, it's good that you are aware of your problem with the past and present tense. That way you can work on improving just that. Also it has been said, but I agree that you should propably go over Twi's actions again and you could try to fleshen the part within the castle out, since it appeared to be quite rushed.
It can be hard having to improve without anyone actually telling you where you went wrong, so you should propably try to get an editor/proofreader, who would be willing to help you with that little problem.
Otherwise I have not much else to say except that I look forward to more, since I am a HUGE sucker for evil Twi. Aditionally, it would be kind of cool if she didn't turn black, but instead changed to look more like your avatar.
993845
It's my first time writing a story really, I love reading, heck I even have 300+ stories in my read later list, anyway, yeah I'm trying my hoof in the art of writing (a story) and with the hours spent working, playing mmorpgs (molten-wow rules!), watching animes and reading MLP:FiM fanfics, I can't get my brain to work in thinking of a way to make these parts you mention feel not rushed (wow, my vocabulary sucks). I'll return to revise and re-edit rushed parts when I'm done with the whole story thing, because I'm
and I don't want to ask for somepony's help 
Also, about the avatar thing. NO. Just No. I have bigger plans for my avatar
besides, I kind-of got inspired into writing this story because of the image, and unfortunately, the black-cerulean coat thing for Twilight will need to stay 
996961 Awww.
Well, if I'll get to see something with that avatar in another story somtime in the future, then I'm happy.
997057
What the heck I had an hour waiting for my boyfriend to arrive and edited Chapter One (again), trying my best there to eliminate the rushed part... I hope it's enough
997122 I'll check it out later.
Twilight tore her gaze at the stone pedestrials, indeed she only thought there exist five Elements of Harmony, but apparently that isn't true. There exist one more, and that element is nowhere to be found.-> This needs to be corrected. The last four verbs should be existed, wasn't, existed and was nowhere to be found. But the real problem with this sentence is that Twi read about the sixth element being unknown, but she knows that it exists.
997506
Oh Celestia my internet sucks, I could've sworn I hit save eliminating that last part... ffs... now to edit it all over again. Thanks for the heads up
On Hiatus? So I'm guessing that means no chapter this weekend?
1019760
Ermm ye, writer's block or something, actually more addicted to WoW and focused reading the 300+ stories in my read later list (minus those not in fimfiction), currently reading Knights of Equestria, it is so
Anyway, yea, on hiatus till I get back my inspiration to write, sorry
1021093
Eh it happens. I have no inspiration to write in general anyways cause I already know what I'd write would be bad. I have the imagination to pull it off, it's just when I try to write down my stuff it looks stupid or just doesn't turn out right.
Here is Chapter Two, honestly I wanted to hold off on publishing it until I get back my 'inspiration' to write but meh... here it is!
Yes I know I just gave myself a death sentence writing an adventure story including a world totally fanon and will never be part of the real Equestrian map but I just did. I believe I am very bad in describing new places so this will be a long shot. Well first story ever written, might as well get all out and not feel all that bad with the negative comments for a first try
So yay Chapter Two.... now wait for a long long time for the next update
Edit: Ah... canon Equestrian map... shown after I wrote Chapter Two.... making my story purely fanon now....
1034461 There are several great fics that have come in conflict with cannon. A story can be good even if it contradicts cannon, and it's almost inevitable when writing FanFics about an ongoing series. New developments will happen as long as new chapters keep coming. Luna's new appearance and her personality. Showing Rarity's and Twilight's parents alive and well. The introduction of Shinning Armor and Cadence...
About the story itself I have to say that this is and unexpected turn. While certainly a possible and reasonable possibility the best I saw coming from the end of the previous chapter was Twilight giving an early warning, but this is a welcome change. Maybe her current situation isn't the best possible outcome, and is hardly desirable, but even if it's only a momentary reprieve Twilight has escaped capture and outright brainwashing for the moment.
I hope you get your inspiration, or concentration, back.
Hmmmm, so Moonlight is more confused than evil. Let's see what happens when Nightmare Moon shows up then, shall we?
Hmm... I like this... It shall be faved and thumbed up.
So, I'm guessing you put the Everfree all around the southern border of Equestria? Maybe you made it out to encompass the whole land, but I doubt that
1034780
And I just realized it is cannon not canon... wow I misspelled that word ever since I can remember
1036289
Something like placing the Everfree engulfing the southern area of Equestria while mountains handle the rest of the division of the border or something like that
1036643 So, Equestria is a completely secluded country? (Well apart from the occasional traveler[Zecora?])
1036659
Err... I'm not answering that this early of the chapters
1036702 Awwwww
1036643 Actually I think it's canon not cannon, Firefox spell-check marked it red and I changed every word marked red 'till there where none without checking if I was right or spell-check was.
Well, if computerized spell-checking was perfect there would be a lot less error filled text on the Internet.
I.... honestly don't know what to say about this chapter. I suppose the best thing would be to explain what has left me so confounded. So, Twilight, who encountered Nightmare Moon, the Nightmare moon did something that made her run in terror. So, we don't know what happened, but apparently it caused her to lose her memory. Ok, doing fairly well so far. So, now there's a lumberjack, in a village called Arvington, and....what the heck is Fantasia? As in, the film, or the place from the Neverending Story. Apparently neither, as there's no explanation. So, we cut to Twilight waking up, and, now we have two new characters generating conflict. So, they hate each other I guess? Was, was that... a rape joke. Was that ANOTHER? And whats up with this Arvington place? Cool, he's going to show Moonlight around. Maybe he will give us some backstory on this place... oh, nevermind, we're just skipping that part, and... that's it? What did I just read. This chapter does nothing other than make me feel confused. I feel like this is a ponified version of some other universe from a book , or game, or something, and I have no idea what it's from. Now don't take this the wrong way, I'm still going to keep up with this story, but I just feel alienated as a reader. I don't hold this against you personally, but some clarification on these things would be nice in the next chapter.