Luna thinks of her time on the moon remembering a dark forbidden power she practiced and returns to her practice.
Chapters (5)
- Member Since 8th Nov, 2011
- offline last seen Feb 18th, 2016
KingofBronies
I write for the fun of it all. I read for the same reason. Nothing more epic then Friendship is Magic, the Kingdom of Love and Tolerance!
KingofBronies
Joined 8th Nov, 2011 ·
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Luna's been a bit naughty *imagines Twilight tucking into meat* She'll need some contact lenses from Rareity to hide those red eyes.
927414
927456 Either that or I could develop another way! :D So many ideas so little time!
Rushed, that is the one word I can use to describe this. you have a good principle here, but you are in a rush to get to it. Take some time when building up a change that is going to be so dramatic. And wow was that some completely unsafe science, twilights apprehension for practicing forbidden magic lasted all of two sentences before she decided to take a risk that was guaranteed to get her killed. I understand that you want to get to the good parts quickly but you need to take some time to build a foundation for your storry. Have Luna and twilight working together, give some interactions, have twilight question Lunas motivations. Have twilight worry about Celestias reaction if she finds out what they are doing. You have something like 5 to 6 thousand words of content crushed into a little over two thousand, so it makes it feel shallow without any character in your characters.
I am not trying to be mean, im just trying give some constructive criticism.
>> LastLight has a great point. It just felt rushed. I liked the premise, but I don't think Twilight would just 'give in' so easily. I mean, sure, she's a mare of science, no doubt about that, but I do doubt her willingly sacrificing herself to become immortal. Also, a vampire? It's... plausible, just not very believable. Fangs out of nothingness? I'll give a thumbs up. I liked most of the story, but it could use some tweaking in the future.
927588 Thank you a lot for the criticism! Your a real help and I will being rewriting the chapter. I admit it was a bit rushed. I'll do more with it just need some time.
927657 Yeah Ill work on it. I wanted to give vampirism its own type of lore something a bit different then what we are normally used to. Ill explain the fangs and what not.
927760>>927588 Well its longer but not 5000 words. Check it out and tell me how I did :D
Really great story. however you rush way too much. This could very well have been twise as long.
It feels a little rushed, but other than that, can't really find anything wrong with it. I like
Hmm... Not quite rushed, but I feel as if a little more discription here and there. Anyways, good job! I enjoy following authors like you because I get to see your writing style mature as time passes.
1038630 Thanks :D Im still working on it. Im quite new to this genre of writing and all so im still getting the hang of it. Thanks for the positive feedback though.
i find it weird Celestia would place a hit on her own sister... Interesting story nonetheless! I think this story may be even better if you delved into the kind of thought process Celestia must be going through in order to make such a decision!
1074574 I choose to leave that a mystery for now. Dont worry she has more than the reasons I stated. Give it time.
Sending assassins after her beloved sister and student without the whole story, really? Celestia is evil just because? You already established a veritable group of villains or possible villains in the other group of vampires, if you wanted the solar powered Paladins you could make someone else in the chain of command send the Knights in the "name" of Celestia while keeping the princess either completely unaware of the hunt or misleading her by having her empower the weapons and/or ponies while obscuring the targets. The villain could be Cadence, Blueblood, some OC or even Shining Armor.
If you needed an alicorn to discover Twilight state substituting Cadence for Celestia and having her and Shining Armor believe they are freeing their beloved unicorn and punishing the evil Nightmare Moon. Obscuring the discussion and showing only Shining Armor talking about what that monster did to twily with a "princess", an "Alicorn" OR a figure with both a horn and wings, and then having him giving orders in the name of Celestia could mislead the readers and the Protagonist. Also it could be an interesting reveal when Luna and Twilight finally confront Celestia only to discover her appalled and completely unaware of what was going on. That was only one possible choice to avoid an antagonist Celestia when the genre of Twiluna is full of it, and I imagine with the rising of Vampony stories it will fill up even faster, you need to be more original if you want your story to stand out against the others. If you simply dislike Celestia just portrait her as incompetent, really having her army pursuing her sister and student without being aware specially if she is even fooled into powering the hunters hurts her image worse then villainy, but don't just ignore canon and have her act completely OOC. Veronica? not only you didn't need to create an OC when you could have used Blueblood, Fancypants, Shining Armor, or maybe a Wonderbolt, the name doesn't fit at all in Equestria. Then again its just my opinion, this is your story, and you are entitled to do with it what you will.
Also it's been said before but you need to work on your pacing, I'm not trying to belittle your work, if so I would just have told you it sucks, and it's not necessarily a bad story but in it's current state it needs some work and could use some improvement.
1074695 The story is unfinished. I am working on it all. Also, Cadence lives in a whole other kingdom and if I were to include it I'd want it done right. We don't know what it looks like yet, but we will know in season 3 most likely from what we know. Besides Celestia, has known about Luna's powers of Necromancy. Simple put she would have prepared for it upon her return. Also she believes Luna murdered her student and resurrected her. OOC? Have you seen the last thousand years of Celestia's life? I haven't. She has banished Luna to the moon before. So it is very possible she has done so to other ponies. Also she is a ruler, kings and queens have to make tough decisions to appease the masses. That leaves a large realm of possibilities. Secondly, the laws for Necromancy are sever, she is being dutiful in being ruler to send troops to eliminate Luna also adding murder to that list doesnt make it look good for Luna. Secondly, she does not want an outbreak of vampires infecting mass genocide upon her kingdom. Seeing all this happen doesn't put her in a good mood. Celestia does not truly have an adviser pony. The four you mention wouldn't work. Blueblood is a prince, I doubt he'd be able to deal with the strain of the situation considering how frail he is. Fancypants, isn't really closely involved with castle affairs, he is just a very successful pony that lives in Canterlot. Shining Armor, I imagine would be stationed in Cadence's Kingdom and even if not his duty is as a captain, not a royal adviser. The Wonderbolts, while I imagine they have talent in dealing with air battles I don't see them as being an intellectual adviser to the princess. Whether you like it or not I view Veronica as very much essential and makes more logical sense unless I were to ignore something. Just letting you know I do appreciate the criticism and Ill admit everything isn't completely fleshed out. Oh and Celestia isn't necessarily evil, trust me she has more reason then were explained. Im just planing on when to reveal them. Some if not hopefully a lot of your questions will be solved. I don't plan this to be a short series mind you. Thanks again.
Must. Kill. Celestia. Because. She. Is. A. Bitch. Who. Jumps. To. Conclusions...
1075126 Kinda shes has some facts to prove what is going on like the missing blood and the fact she knows Twilight is undead.
1074675
looking forward too it!
Ugh! The Cliffhanger! I can't wait for more.
1091741 Dont worry you will get it soon enough in time :D