- Member Since 5th Oct, 2016
- offline last seen Yesterday
Israel Yabuki
Canon x OC, that's my specialty, both in art and in MLP stories
Israel Yabuki
Joined 5th Oct, 2016 ·
Offline
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Israel Yabuki · 11k words · 155 10 · 10k views
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YAY! RARITY! WOOT WOOT!
Great start!
I saw that line from Fullmetal Alchemist. Nice touch.
8449617
glad you recognized it. I love Fullmetal Alchemist, especially Edward's short rants
Gotta say, I'm very impressed with the story so far. Colour me intrigued
If there was one thing I would criticise though, it'd be the fact that the protagonist seems a bit Gary Sue-ish. He has more pros than cons (awesome parents, his pretty strong strength, etc.) whereas his cons are... what?, being a little small?, there's no real balance with the protagonist.
No disrespect or anything intended by the way!, I know you'll make this story great as it goes on but I suggest tweaking our main man a bit so this fic doesn't seem so "self insert disguised as a 2nd person"
I'll be keeping an eye on this. You have incredible potential here!
So the guy who had been shown to not really have a bad bone in his body suddenly becomes a bully to the short MC whose shorty shortness is totally not the only thing defining him but is the only thing we know about him other than his mom is always busy and that his dad is proud of his shortness. I'll pass.
When will you do one with Rainbow Dash?
8453059
I'll work on Rainbow Dash next
Awesome chapter!
Rarity is so awesome! I like the way she knocked out that bully! Go Rarity!
Ugh the suspense is killing me how much longer till the next chapter
8472105
it's almost done
Awesome job, dude! I really liked this!
8473664
thank you. I apologize for the wait.
8473674
It's all good, bro!
as a certain maniac that is, to this day making us wait for one single game, would say "it's worth the wait."
I loved this and by god, if I wasn't so tired right now I would have plans for this.
I have to say i really like this 3 chapter format your useing for these, the 1st shows them coming together, the 2nd explores their relationship, and 3rd is the payoff. I think this is a good format to use.
Now for a few cons: Theres no need to keep mentioning exactly how big the boobs are, once is enough and from than just refer to them as "big","large","firm" etc. Just leave it to the imagination.
And i dont think useing IRL things as Video Game or real Movie titles really fits into these, kinda breaks the immesion, maybe change them around a little bit. Anyway this a great read, hope to see more.
He reminds me of Edward Elric.
8651600
I gave him that sort of vibe
8651681
Awesome
The protagonist sounds Bostonian in my head...which isn't a bad thing. (I'm 6'5" and a native Floridian.) Whenever the author can give the "you" in a 2nd person story a distinct personality, other than that provided by your own experience, it allows for one to truly immerse themselves in a different perspective!
8837382
well said
I like the story allot but the whole short thing and all the people getting on him about it even in public just doesn’t make sense, to me at least, for I’m 5’5 and no one cares about my height at all if anything I actually have a good amount of people listen to me even though I’m this short. The only time I had problems with being called short was in middle school and I was shorter then what I am now. Then again I fought back even stabbed a kid with a pencil but still just the whole thing with people saying shit about His height just doesn’t make sense to me at least idk maybe it’s because I live in NC?
Rarity is my 2nd favorite in the mane 6 after Fluttershy
He's like ed from full metal alchemists
Nice pun at the end lol
8880659
which one? The "making a man out of me" part?
Chapter 1: My first thoughts after reading this was why is the Gary Stu a typical bully? Why are people making fun of a guy who's literally only four inches under the average height of a man in the US? Why didn't you just do a crossover or make things more realistic?
Meh, it could barely work as decent (Puts in the decent section) it's not like it could get worst
Chapter 2: OMG! It got worst!
The action scene is boring and predictable, the continuity is shattered, the gary stu is strong with this one no matter how hard you try, and the story is basically cutesy wutesy garbage. At least there's the sex scene to looking forward to.
Chapter 3: Okay, ignore the old fashsioned look on womanhood and sex and... I hope this person is not one of those virgins who thinks that one could pop the hymen... And... The sex scene is good so far... And it's anatomically incorrect e's one of those virgins who don't know better, isn't he?
derpicdn.net/img/2012/1/22/1308/full.gif
RAHHH!!!
*Throws the laptop at the window, only for the plexiglass to bounce it off and hit my nose*
"The pain of that is nothing compared to the disappointment in my heart!"
*Reads the rest of it on a cracked screen*
Overall, good bowchickwowow scene
F for plot
D for character development
C-- for sex scene
FYI, here's my biggest bone to pick. See that tag there on your fic? It says: "Slice of life" I'm not the expert on the topic, but I've seen and done Slice of Life before, and this isn't REMOTELY Slice of Life. There's just way too many unbelievable things that aren't even trying to adhere to reality that I even question that you even done any research on the topic whatsoever
Not even the family scene can be considered Slice of Life since it's heavily Drama centered
My second biggest bone to pick is simple actually. SHOW BUT NOT TELL!! For a person who reads comics, your on text representation of visual gag is severely lack if that's what you were going for.
Overall, I felt like I have to suffer to read this fic far more than I could enjoy it, 1.5/10
I would just like to point out something.. well two things.
1. Why are the guys blind? Not blind-blind but blind that the first time the woman hints a bit of fucking, they all get shy and embarrassed about it. I kinda wanna see them a bit hungry for sex. And with Fluttershy as your last, I'd like to see how you'll drive this.
2. The entire franchise of 'EQG and You' has all the women horny for their boyfriends. That kinda throws me out, for a bit. Make one of the guys at least horny (i.e use this idea for Fluttershy) or better yet, if they're horny then make the guys hornier!
Hope you find this comment a bit useful.
8954478
I see your point. Thank you, I'll be sure to use this advice when I work on my Applejack story
I'm going to keep reading this, but I'm not liking this so far, mainly because of the protagonist. You made him to be an angry, violent little man who hospitalised people for making fun of his height (or lackthereof). This would be fine if you acknowloedged it as a fault, be he gets praise for his violence and that's not sending a good message.
But that's not the only thing, because you have two characters from the show who I don't think are done too well. You make Flash an arsehole when by all accounts he seems like a nice guy (granted I've only seen one and a half of the movies, but he certainly didn't seem like the bullying type). Rarity is done better, but still has the problem of being too comfortable around this guy who she knows has hospitalised people for calling him short. I get that he said he wants to move on from that (even though just before that he just threw Flash against a dumpster), but I'd expect at least a bit of trepidation from her, or at least something in reaction to her realising who the protagonist is.
Like I said, I'm still going to read this, but I have some big problems.
Oh my god. No-one's going to care! Maybe if it was in high school I could understand, but in the real world? And with children?
He's not even that short! He's only 5'6"! If he was 4'10" or something, I could understand him being a dwarf, but he's not that short! Why are so many people noticing!?
Yeah! I only met him yesterday for a few minutes and knew him to be a violent man before then, but he is the kindest man I know!
And really? You're going to have attack him with a bag full of bricks? Because that's the Rarity we all know.
Why are you giving a reason why the protagonist is short? Can't he just be so? Can't you just say he grew to be short rather than making some excuse about how he got sick a lot and "the medication delayed his growth spurt" (to which it's still very much delayed even after his graduation, I might add)?
I'd be more willing to believe this if we got to see that kinder side ourselves. All I saw was a violent man who beat people up for making fun of his height unless someone else was around to put them in their place.
You know, I read A Night With Your Favourite Bookworm before this and thought it was decent. Maybe not my favourite fic or anthing particluarly special, but I thought you had potential. But this fic isn't good. I hope the next one -The Love Of A Rockstar Athlete - is better.
9107387
I'm not perfect. No one is. I messed up a few times, but I'm doing what I can to make better content
9107440
That's why I will read the sequel about Rainbow Dash, and that's why I pointed out my problems with this fic. I want you to improve, so I'm letting you know why I didn't like this one. Maybe I didn't put it across well, but I do think you have potential.
9107584
thanks.
9108239
You're welcome.
Woof! This was an awesome read! I wish Rarity would do half this stuff to me ;)
Good work Israel
Wait, last chapter said that rarity's breasts were G cup, now they're D cup?
9601570
fixed
9601605
Much better
Uh... I think the text reversed the change you made to it, you did change it to say rarity's cup size was G but it says D-cup
9633936
Now both say G-cup
9634006
there we go
9935800
Yes. I came here to read what looked like at least a decent porn fluff story, perhaps even more if I was lucky, Then I found out that I didn't like the story and I started talking about what I didn't like about it in the comments. Or shouting, really, in that comment at least. I was getting quite angry with the story in this chapter. I didn't realise that, because it's a work of fiction, it must be protected from all criticism.
A BAG OF COKE AND PEPSI?
KAWOLSKI, ANALYSIS!
That doesn't sound like Flash.
YES EDWARD ELRIC!!!!
You placed your order and payed the lady behind the counter before taking your seat. Not to be that guy but thats the wrong spelling its paid not payed. Payed is a different word
9107361
Wow, someone else noticed.
Now I don't feel like an arse!
*Has flashbacks to a Dharr Mann video*
This is a reference to something.
It has to be.