- Member Since 9th Oct, 2012
- offline last seen Tuesday
Gamer Script
Writer, singer, dancer, voice actor, gamer, streamer, and wide open for commissions.
Gamer Script
Joined 9th Oct, 2012 ·
Offline
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I enjoyed this a lot!
The breaks to flash back felt perfectly timed and helped give a reason to the next action more than because that's the story.
Very well done.
If Spike had a 10 inch cock Button must have been rocking a foot long schlong,
9817178
Thank you for your praise and for reading the story, I appreciate it and am glad I could make something enjoyable out of a concept I myself never really gave thought to before.
9817201
I was more aiming for the fact Sweetie, for this story at least, was just a uh... Well for lack of nicer phrasing, harlot.
Assistant.
9817233
Yep.
Wow, Trixie's really digging herself a hole in this one, more so than usual.
Nice, very nice.
Truly touching. Most excellent.
I overall liked the story and idea, but the pacing was off for me and there was a severe lack of details and 'feelings' during the sex scene. What did it feel like to have sex her first time despite the pain of deflouration? How did Spike feel, being inside a virgin's pussy, and his adoptive sister's at that? How about some details about their orgasms? Not to insult, but this felt almost more like a synopsis than a fleshed-out story in those respects.
There were also a number of misspellings or awkward grammar uses throughout. Now, I'm an author too and know how these kind of mistakes slip through even after proofreading it several times, and this is not me trying to make you mad or put you down, this is purely constructive criticism. Also, pretty sure you messed up the italics in a couple places, listed below:
From
to
are italicized, and they're set in modern time, so I don't think that paragraph is intended. Also, 'Rainbow' is misspelled.
This happened again at:
Best of luck with your future writing endeavors!
~Legion
Not bad man.
A surprise to be sure, but a welcome one.
Hey... I'm pretty sure you're missing an
[/i]here. Everything after that is in italics.Most interesting.
9848677
Good catch, appreciate it
Rarity don't get me wrong but you ever looked in the mirror and tell yourself that?
👍(x10)
Its would have been nice if there was a chapter where Sweetie showed up to ask for fogginess but Spike shows her that he has a better girl now and her cheating on him was the best thing to happen to him