• Member Since 9th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

Gamer Script

Writer, singer, dancer, voice actor, gamer, streamer, and wide open for commissions.

Comments ( 88 )

i was half expecting danny to knoww granny from the past

Excellent story! Didn't seem rushed at all to me. Keep up the good work!

>Just like every other student
>Perfect grades, very athletic, exotic upbringing, world revolves around him

Choose exactly one. This describes a textbook self-insert "Gary Stu."

So far this is looking like it will be good.

i was until the last part kinda killed my buzz so to speak

OMG i love that song you are now my new bestfriend

2777915 Thanks for pointing that out. I knew I forgot to fix SOMETHING. Much appreciated :pinkiehappy:

2777804 Thank you so much for telling me so. I've been a worried wreck over it. :fluttercry: Thanks for putting my mind at ease. :twilightblush:

2777802 That... Is a great idea! I might use that. And if I do, I'll give you all the credit deserved, I Pinkie Promise. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.

Comment posted by RedoutPony deleted Jun 27th, 2013
Comment posted by RedoutPony deleted Jun 27th, 2013
Comment posted by RedoutPony deleted Jun 27th, 2013
Comment posted by sharpeshot deleted Jun 29th, 2013

2782688 No, he's right. I suppose it is as he says, but as I said. It's my first try. I'm not some kind of proffesional. I'm trying thr best I can. But I suppose that my best just isn't enough for him/her. And besides, each individual has their own opinion. So he can say what he wants.

Drama!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:derpytongue2: He is gonna be going crazy i wish i was in his place except for the kissing and oral stuff.

i am still weirded out bye the sister

2793912 Doesn't matter, it's been about 60 years, she's either old as dirt or dead somewhere :rainbowlaugh:

Try separating the dialogues of characters. By that i mean, every time a someone different begins to speak start a new line. It tends to get very confusing with more than one character talking in the same paragraph. Other than that try spelling out numbers instead of placing them. I love the story though ^-^ :twilightsmile:

Comment posted by Winterwing deleted Oct 17th, 2013

If this is the second chapter, then where's the first?

"No need to be so casual, 'Granny Smith' would be just fine."

I think you mean formal.

2858182 Indeed I do, thanks Thunderbird!

I'm sorry everyone, I need to re-write the prologue, so I'm sorry for the inconvenience.
signed, CloudCrusher

2858066 I'm sorry for the confusion, it's the first chapter but the second by the website's count. If that makes sense.

2778669 I love it too, which is why I used it. Thanks for reading and I'm glad you like it.

2800659 Thank you for the advice. As a new writer, I need criticism to make my writing better.

Comment posted by butterfield pancake deleted Oct 16th, 2013

Great story but you spelled Guardian wrong:ajbemused:

Actually, I didn't. Check your spelling then check mine, their the same.3356312

Could a gone without the hole Lyra and Bon-Bon thing.

3360028 :fluttercry: I just thought it would be funny. Sorry if you didn't enjoy that part... :fluttercry:

Though to be completely and utterly honest, I kinda added that cause I thought the reverse Lyra thing would be funny, and just to take up space.

Ah Pinkie Pie... What would we do without you being so random?

Pinkie Pie wouldn't be Pinkie Pie otherwise. 3416219

Check again. At the end of the first chapter, you spelled it wrong.

You really need an editor. There are several grammar errors and spelling errors scattered throughout the story. Example, spell out numbers that are under 100. "Have a good day you 2" is bad grammar.

Also, I've never heard of a .55 caliber pistol (beyond some old flintlocks), and I'm something of a gun nut. Only modern 55 cal I know of is the 8" gun used as a Navy cannon. A magnum sniper isn't an actual gun, same with an anti-tank rifle and combat shotgun (all are types of guns). The "Executioner" pistol is actually called the Judge, if you are talking about the revolver that fires shotgun shells. An ACOG can't be a hybrid sight, as a hybrid needs a CQC sight (ex: a red dot) with a magnifier (usually a 3X). If you are talking about a dual-sight (ex: a red dot on top of an ACOG), might want to fix that. Even then, you aren't going to attach those to a bolt-action sniper rifle, as they aren't very combat-effective (I'm ex-US Army). Incendiary was spelled wrong. Also, silencers are attachments to weapons, and a silencer for an M4A1 won't fit an Mk. 23, so what sizes were they?

Whoa, really?! O.o um... I'm gonna go fix that later. Thanx... And also, would you mind being a proof reader for me? It could help a lot. 3479293

Wish I could, but I barely have any time to write my own stories any more. This group should be able to help you.

S-so...Fluttershy and the bear... Is that what I think it is? :rainbowderp:

??? Um... I'm frightened to know what thou art implying friend... 3482539

Just cuz... What, good sir and/or madam? 3480319

Sir thank you, And it felt right at the time

3483114 Is Fluttershy into bestiality? You know, her and the bear? :rainbowderp:

I hope I'm wrong.

WHOA SIR! WHOA! Sweet little Fluttershy is not like that and I don't make her out to be! I was simply showing how much she cared for Harry, like a dear friend, or like how she cares for Angel. Harry helped her when she was small and they've been friends since, that's all. 3484827

3486134 Ooohhh, Now I see. :rainbowlaugh:

Sorry about that. Carry on then.

Its cool. Looking back and re-reading it, I can see how you came to such a conclusion. 3486270

Dude... Teach me the ways of the gun nut! Just kidding, but seriously, your knowledge of all these guns slightly scares me. Its seriously impressive, that's for sure, but when it comes to guns, I suck. So if you ever get a chance or free time or whenever you could, can you help with the gun stuff? I doubt there's anyone else with such extensive knowledge of weaponry such as these.
P.S. I've always wanted a Combat Shotgun T~T 3479293

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