The Olden World

by Czar_Yoshi

No Justice

Starlight wandered towards the front of the ship, letting her legs carry her wherever they felt like. It wasn't a huge ship, so there was no danger of getting lost, but also nowhere to go. Maple and White Chocolate were making up, and she didn't feel like she could be there without hovering. Up on the bridge, there was probably Gerardo, but she still needed to get her feelings straightened out on the rambly griffon after his sword had caused Maple so much grief and whatever else he had accidentally done to annoy them before that and listening to him narrate probably wouldn't help. Even worse, back in White Chocolate's room was Jamjars, whom she knew was an instant recipe for a migraine.

Without thinking, she passed by the staircase to the upper decks and kept going, walking the short tunnel to the observation room at the prow. The room was half glass, with a curved window letting watchers see forward, to the sides and below, making it one of the brightest in the ship thanks to the rising moon low on the eastern horizon. It made all the more obvious the lone unicorn silhouetted against the glass.

For an instant, Starlight almost thought it was Grenada. The size, mane and horn were right, with the mare appearing black against the dusky world below, and the last time she had been in this room, it had ended with the same encounter. Then common sense kicked in and she stopped, swallowing, wondering whether to disturb Shinespark's vigil.

"Who's there?" Shinespark croaked in a tired voice that sounded like it had been crying.

"I'm just wandering," Starlight quickly replied. "If you want me to leave you alone-"

"Oh." Shinespark sighed, but made no motion to send her away.

Starlight hesitated. Was every pony on the ship somehow depressed? Helping Maple was something she had to do, and helping White Chocolate was something Maple would've wanted her to do, but she had needs too. Parts of her still felt surreal after almost dying, and there was a tension in her heart like she was perpetually holding her breath. She wanted to get back to Riverfall, meet Willow and Amber, make sure Maple was all right... and then all of them could lay down and know just what to say. Especially Willow. Maple might have been Starlight's mother, and she'd do everything she could to help her, but Willow was the one she had woken up held by and the one she knew she could always go back to with anything.

Letting out a breath, Starlight turned to leave. Someone else could be the therapist for the entire ship. Someone who wasn't a filly and wasn't taxed by troubles of their own, but was also sensitive enough not to instantly say the wrong thing. Someone like...

Growling internally, she turned around yet again. Until they got to Riverfall, she really was the only one, wasn't she?

"Shinespark?" she asked, projecting her frustration as confidence in her voice. "Are you okay?"

"I shouldn't need pity," Shinespark replied, refusing to look her way.

Starlight said nothing, sensing there was more coming.

"My plan failed," she continued, and Starlight sat down to listen. "Gunga died. Gigavolt. Grenada, who was my sister. And dozens of other ponies who put their confidence in me. But I'm still alive. Alive, and running away. It's not fair."

There were those three words again. "You'd rather be dead?" Starlight asked, hoping the answer wasn't what Shinespark was getting at.

Shinespark kept staring out the window. "Of course I wouldn't. I don't want to die. No living creature should. Not after surviving that. But I deserve to be. It was my plan that failed, so the just thing would be for me to pay the price. Keep in mind that my life's goal was justice for Sosa, to give everyone what they deserved and keep them from being crushed or forgotten. I always meant for that to be about lifting ponies up, but justice does go both ways. For me to be sitting here now, avoiding what I deserve after spending so much effort on the pursuit of it... I'm an insult to myself. My own antithesis. I won't just give up and die, because then I'd be nothing. But living like this... I'm no longer justice, but have nothing else to be, which makes me nothing anyway. If you think about it, it's like I'm already dead."

Starlight blinked, taking a step back. That was far too much philosophy for her to parse all at once, and given Shinespark's conclusion, she had a feeling it was overwhelming her, as well. "Are you sure about that?" she questioned. "You still look alive to me."

"I don't care any more about helping Sosa, because I'm leaving Ironridge. I don't care about avenging it, either, because I'm having a civil conversation with the pony who pressed the button and don't even feel a shred of anger." Her ears pointed back towards Starlight, but she still kept her eyes focused on the window. "I don't think I can feel anything right now. And before you feel sorry about that, too, I'm doing it deliberately. I've always been good at controlling my emotions like this, and not feeling things that will hurt. I don't want to feel guilty now, too."

"Are you sure?" Starlight frowned. "No offense, but I thought you were bad at that and that's why your plan didn't go right. Because you turned off Braen so you could fly after your friends when the dam broke, and then couldn't control the Spirit in the skyport."

"No! I'm good at it!" Desperation tinged with denial edged into Shinespark's voice, and she bowed her head, her gritted teeth reflecting the moonlight. "That was... It didn't happen like that! That was because I couldn't... because..."

She started to shake, and Starlight quickly realized that if she wanted to leave Shinespark in a semi-stable state, it was too late. Once again, she was forced with a choice between offering herself as a crying pillow or leaving a mare to be both miserable and lonely. Resigning herself, she stepped forward.

"Hey." She reached up and put a hoof on Shinespark's shoulder. "If it makes you feel better, everyone's sad right now. I'm sorry for blowing up the dam, though..."

Shinespark wiped her eyes, looking down at Starlight. "You're insane."

"What?" Starlight blinked. That wasn't in her standard script of hugging sad mares to make them feel better. She quickly glanced at herself, looking for anything obviously out-of-place.

"Herman was right," Shinespark sighed. "About what he said I was in the skyport. I've been sitting here thinking in circles, trying to come to terms with that. He was right. I want him to be right! But I hate him and don't want to accept that he was...!" She gritted her teeth again, pausing and then continuing. "And you said the same thing he did. I am bad at controlling my emotions. I can ignore things, sometimes, when they're not in my face, but the moment I see something I just can't stop myself from feeling..." Another pause. "Because I'm just an ignorant, inexperienced teenager who can't be expected to do any better! I hate having that excuse! I hate it because it says I couldn't have done better, but I know I should have been able to do better! I look like an adult, I feel like an adult, I was responsible for more than almost any adult in Ironridge... but it's so tempting. I want to just believe it and blame everything on my age instead of my decisions, because then I wouldn't have to blame myself and could feel better, but I don't want to admit I was powerless all along..."

Starlight puffed out her cheeks. "So? I'm probably half your age."

"That's what's insane." Shinespark shook her head, and actually managed a smile. "If I can't be expected to have it all together, what about a kid like you? Everything after I broke my leg is a little fuzzy, but you tried talking Herman down all by yourself, didn't you? And then he almost cut your head off with that axe against the wall. If I'm taking myself this badly, you should be absolutely traumatized. So what are you doing telling me everything's okay?"

Starlight shrugged. "My problems aren't going to kill me or stop me from helping my friends. And almost dying to save them is better than how I've been for a year before this, since at least I'm not alone. Besides, it's not like helping with this is hard. All I have to do is ask if they're all right, tell them everything's okay, and then let them hug me until they stop crying."

Shinespark sniffed, but kept smiling. "Probably works because you're cute. Still, I know... knew a lot of kids in Sosa who wouldn't even let themselves be seen within several hooflengths of their parents, let alone snuggle random strangers who were feeling down."

"Yeah, well..." Starlight looked away. "It's not like I mind that much. Or have anything better to do."

"Well..." Shinespark blinked thoughtfully. "Sorry. I don't think I'm the type for that. I'd probably just feel too awkward to feel any better. And I still don't know whether to see you as the filly who was introduced to me as the key to unlimited energy or the filly who destroyed Sosa."

Nodding, Starlight stepped back towards the entrance. "Okay. Good luck thinking about things."

"Come and talk to me again," Shinespark quickly called. "Some time... later. After I've had more time to think. Please?"

Starlight promised, then trotted out of the corridor and into the rest of the ship.

Comments

[alamais]

Someone like...

Growling internally, she turned around yet again. Until they got to Riverfall, she really was the only one, wasn't she?

And I still don't know whether to see you as the filly who was introduced to me as the key to unlimited energy or the filly who destroyed Sosa."

Both! Unlimited energy to destroy Sosa!

[alamais]

Although speaking of Sosa, I still want to know what happened to Sosa the Dude...

[ZanyZapper]

8871799
Ditto! What was in that book?

[Venlinelle]

Welcome to the Ship of Miserable Failures! Enjoy your stay

Reread edit: It is comical how not okay Starlight is. Her unemotional, transactional view of everything and everyone in her life is just… very sad.