• Published 23rd Jun 2017
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The Olden World - Czar_Yoshi



Equestrian culture loves cutie marks. Filly Starlight Glimmer hates them and never wants one. So, she leaves Equestria.

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This Instinct, It Burns

Starlight winced as Chrysalis's hoof settled on her shoulder, the other filly appearing as an adult once again. "What."

"Hmm. Nothing of importance." Chrysalis didn't budge. "One would almost think you'd be happy here. If this ash is the memory that's following you around, you think you're to blame for a catastrophe in the future, and you're endlessly stubborn about being good and nice and wholesome... wouldn't it be worth staying locked away here for eternity? Sacrificing yourself to ensure the world is safe? If you really care that much about it..."

"I thought you didn't want to be stuck here with me," Starlight mumbled. "Leave me alone."

"No." Chrysalis licked her lips. "As true as that is, you refused to do the same to me. So here I am, like it or not."

Starlight stood up and walked away, heading for the entrance into the wall tower.

A green spear immediately floated up and barred her way. "I wouldn't do that if I were you," Chrysalis warned, shaking her head. "I've been around these parts before. You won't like meeting who's up there in your present state."

"Who cares what you think!?" Starlight snapped back. "I tried to be nice to you and give you a chance even after you killed my friends and you're the one who still hates me!"

Chrysalis curled her lip. "I've really been trying to decide which part of you I dislike most," she announced, getting to her hooves. "You stopped me in Grandbell, and I despise you for it. And now you won't stop prattling on about blatantly empty ideals even when I shove your face in them like a puddle in the street. Yet from where I'm standing, both of those are kindnesses. Pushing you off your path, sparing you the road to my own agony if only you'd stop and think... Who knows if it's possible, but I tried. And none of us are illusioned that I'm anything other than a despicable, fallen being who deserved to be stopped."

She paced in a circle until she was between Starlight and the door. "I hate you. I hate that your foolish ideals are so closed you perceive my kindness as hatred, and I hate that you're right. I hate that there's no difference, and that this is the only thing I can feel, whether I want to care or despise. But more than anything else, I hate you because you remind me of myself."

Starlight met her gaze with a stern look. "And you hate yourself."

"Bingo." Chrysalis stalked forward until she and Starlight were nose to nose, though she stood a head taller. "And here you come with your lovey-dovey niceness, and the only reason you care about me is for the exact same reason." She leaned further in. "I remind you of yourself, and you're so desperate to be loved that you can't help yourself."

"I..." Starlight swallowed.

"How does it feel, being beholden to a system that tells you to treat garbage like us with dignity?" Chrysalis returned to pacing. "Your life would be so much happier with me not in it, and yet you wheedle and beg and refuse to let me leave your side. What are you hoping for? What reward could you possibly earn, and who would give it to you? Me? Pah. I have nothing you want. And even if you leave here, what will you take with you? Everything you do here is in the dark. There's no god watching you, judging you, ready to reward you for being true to yourself here. Yet you just don't quit."

Starlight had had enough. "Well, what about you!?" She stomped closer, refusing to leave Chrysalis's personal space alone now that hers had been violated. "You just admitted you think you're being kind to me! You said you were! So if it's so pointless, why are you doing it!?"

"Didn't you listen?" Chrysalis gave her a deathly look. "Didn't you pay attention when I told you about my family and my foal and my hopes for the future before he ended it all?" She flung her spear with impossible venom down the wall of the rampart, a strangled cry coming from below as it pierced another phantom Gazelle who was sneaking up on them.

Starlight stared at her, daring her to go on.

Chrysalis closed her eyes. "It's an instinct you would never have felt," she whispered. "One that transcends whatever situation you find yourself in, and only strengthens as your life worsens. A determination that no matter what you've suffered and what you've lived through, it can still mean something in the end if you're able to leave a life better than yours for your children. What am I worth? Nothing. But if I could sacrifice all that nothing for the sake of my kin... what would I benefit? Also nothing. Yet my heart still tells me I should have given my foal a good life. I should have done my duty and not have let them be taken from me..."

She turned, fixing Starlight with a burning gaze. "Showing a mongrel like you a mote of love burns me. It feels too much like caring about myself, yet at the same time fills me with jealousy. It's a paradox, illogical and irrational. Beyond explanation. But you're so tiny and stupid and misguided, and might stay here forever or meet the same end I did if you ever escape. I'm worthless. It's easier if I'm worthless, and never do anything to change that. We could commiserate here forever. But there's some foolish, insignificant part of me just refuses..."

Starlight stepped up and hugged her.

"Stop that." Chrysalis stared down at her and frowned, but didn't throw her away.

"No." Starlight buried her face in Chrysalis's chest. "It's not foolish and not insignificant! You wanted to be worth something before you gave up and came to Grandbell, didn't you? Why don't you try again...? You always wanted to be loved too, and I'm willing to give you a second chance!"

"Until I learned that's not the way the world works," Chrysalis whispered. "I stayed on your airship long enough to hear about what it runs on. Harmony. That's what you call your way, isn't it? But how much better off were your friends than the world around them? Show me a pony who's ever been better off because they cared. I felt it in my heart once, but it's nothing more than an anomaly of nature to use in others for my benefit. It's all so worthless..."

"No..." Starlight protested. "If we had been your friends and you had been our friend, everyone would have been happier! You could have kept your foal, still had friends around when things happened with Percival!"

Chrysalis still glared at her. "You think I don't know that? It sounds like regret to me. And it's too late for anything else, so don't even think about it! Nothing I learn or say here will ever be remembered by my body's memories. This is another world, with just my corrupted brand along for the ride."

Starlight stepped back, feeling tears in her eyes.

"Now you're crying for me. Wonderful." Chrysalis rolled her eyes. "There's nothing you can do. Haven't you learned this by now? What are you going to do, escape from here and then mourn over me when you could have been so much happier if you just didn't care in the first place?"

"But you care," Starlight grumbled. "Even if you're wrong, you're still thinking about what will make me happy."

"Don't remind me." Chrysalis pushed her away.

Starlight gave her a serious look. "Please..."

"Go!" Chrysalis waved a hoof impatiently, shooing her toward the tower entrance. "You have an errand, don't you? Get on with your broken self. Stop staying here with me."

"I'm not leaving you behind," Starlight said flatly.

Chrysalis shrugged. "Who said anything about that? I'll still be here when you're done up there. For better or for worse..."

Starlight swallowed. "Fine. You need time to think. I... I do too. But even if I find Valey and a way out, I'm not leaving until I see you again, so don't even think about trying to hide."

Chrysalis nodded, slumping on her side against one of the ramparts and looking away. With a final sigh, Starlight entered the tower.


A carpeted staircase spiraled beneath Starlight's hooves, feeling heavily familiar. She was sure she had been here before, but without color, it was hard to exactly remember...

"Starlight," a voice said that froze her in her tracks. "Thank you for joining me."

Around her, the walls fell away as the stairs reached the floor above, a circular room completely ringed by windows. "You remember me?" Starlight whispered.

"Should I not?" Gwendolyn tilted her head. "You actually caught my attention. I hope asking you here was not much of a bother. I wished to speak with you more. Please, have a seat and help yourself." She motioned to a table with tea.

Starlight took several hesitant steps closer. "You're real? Or... this is your memory. The thing you remember most is... meeting me."

Lyn politely blinked. "I am afraid I do not follow. Yes, I recall when we talked before, but I would not say it is my strongest memory..." She fluttered her wings and smiled. "But as you can see, you made an impression. A private audience with me should be a great honor."

Starlight wracked her brain, remembering what they had talked about, and had a bad feeling she knew. "You called me here because... you're afraid of your future and wished you could be who you wanted to be, and wanted to talk to me because you knew I would understand..."

The sarosian princess stared at her in utter awe.

"I'm so sorry," Starlight whispered, stepping closer and pulling her into a hug, Gwendolyn too shocked to resist. "You were hoping we could help you start a new life where you wouldn't go insane like Gazelle or be a ruler or anything, and the only life I was able to get for you was here..."

Starlight had the sensation of eyes on her back, and knew Chrysalis was watching from the stairway, but she didn't care. "I'm sorry," she repeated in Lyn's ear. "Somehow, someday, I'll find a way to save you all..."

"It won't be enough," Chrysalis warned, walking over and taking a seat near the tea set. "It's never enough. We're in a prison made from pure loneliness. Nothing in the world is strong enough to dispel that. But by all means, keep trying..."

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