Back Where You Began
"Hey, Starlight... What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"I don't know. Do I have to be just one thing?"
"Well, not really... But what do you want to call yourself? Like, you never hear ponies introducing themselves as a firefighter and a librarian."
"What's wrong with calling myself Starlight? I guess I just haven't thought about it."
"Fine..."
"Why do you ask? Is there something you decided you want to be?"
"Yeah! When I grow up, I'm going to be a cool wizard who wows everyone with his magical research! And I'll know all sorts of spells that nopony else has ever heard of!"
"Is that why you're wearing a wizard robe?"
"Heh hee... Yeah. My mom stitched it for me when I asked. Pretty neat, isn't it? It has all these pockets lining the inside, so I can fill them with spellbooks and magical reagents."
"Wow. Neat. All of these are empty, though."
"That's because I don't have anything to put in them. I said I want to become a cool wizard, not that I'm one already."
"Oh. Makes sense."
"Why don't you try this coat on, Starlight? I bet you'd make a great wizard!"
"Are you sure? Well... okay. Ummm... There. How do I look?"
"Aww, you look amazing! We're gonna grow up to be the finest intellectuals in all the land!"
"That good? It feels a little big for me. These sleeves are kind of baggy."
"It's a wizard robe, Starlight. That's the point!"
"I knew that... How do I look now!?"
"Ahaha! Don't trip and hurt yourself! The coat trail is really long!"
"Oh. Right. Well, here's your robe back. But I think it looks better on you than it does on me."
"Don't you want to become a cool wizard when you grow up?"
"Did you ever want to before today?"
"Well, like, sometimes? But never this badly."
"Right. Well, I just haven't decided what I want to be when I grow up."
"Come on, Starlight. Imagine if you got a cutie mark in being a cool wizard. Imagine what that would look like and how neat it would be!"
"A cutie mark? I guess that would be neat. I just don't know if I'm good enough at that. It's kind of hard for me to keep up with you when we talk about magic sometimes, you know. You're way better at it than I am."
"Aww, you can do it. You just need to hit the books a little harder! My dad brought me a great one from a caravan the other day, and I stayed up all night reading it! Sorry about sleeping through the party after school the next day..."
"Shouldn't I have a cutie mark in something I'm really good at, though?"
"Who says you're not good at wizarding?"
"I'm not bad at it. But I'm not bad at a lot of stuff. I want to get a cutie mark in something special."
"The whole point of cutie marks is that they make you special, you know."
"That's why I want mine to be really special..."
Rocks crunched beneath Starlight Glimmer's hooves. An ancient scene played its way through her head, flaky memories of things she had long ago lost and questions she never found answers to.
Living in Equestria, she knew she would one day get a cutie mark. But now, instead of being not bad at everything she tried, she was phenomenal, unstoppable, almost destined to succeed... except when what she was trying was making herself happy. Cutie marks defined ponies by what they could do, so what would hers be when she was defined by what she couldn't?
Her family was gone, and all her friends too. She had sent them away. Not just chosen to stay behind, but forced them out as well. Everything, she had lost... Everything except her saddlebags, with a rolled-up land title deed and a harmonic crystal containing an artifice and a black metal knife and a twisted moon glass sword she thought she had forgotten on the Immortal Dream, but was there anyway when she checked. And she had some other things, like a badly-empty house with a rose-tiled bathroom and a second-floor bedroom with all of her old filly toys, and two guards who didn't care that much and Fishy and Fluffy who cared a whole lot, but didn't know what to do.
Oh, and she had an infinite supply of spite and stubbornness and determination. Maybe you could get a cutie mark in being determined.
She glanced at her bags. Determination, hope... Wasn't that what the artifice was all about?
Maybe she never should have gotten rid of it. Maybe it fit her perfectly.
Fishy and Fluffy didn't look at her and didn't talk, trying first just to make it back to town. Starlight could see that they cared, though, welling up like auras around them. What was she supposed to do with that? She knew she was lonely, knew they would do everything in their power to help if she asked, knew they would try their hardest to share some of that light with her... but what did it matter when she was cursed to be unable to hold onto it?
She couldn't hold onto anything. Anything she grabbed at was ripped away, taken so violently that she would lose her hooves and the ability to grab on altogether if she wasn't careful. Maybe she already had. There were lies she could tell herself, lies that would numb the pain yet hold her back and stop her from trying, and she knew they were there because she already felt number and couldn't even remember what she had told herself that wasn't true.
Maybe Starlight would get a cutie mark in turning into a statue. The holes in her heart couldn't bleed if she was made of stone.
"Starlight, hon-! Starlight!" Fishy jumped, turning back to check on her and immediately taking a step back in surprise.
"What?"
Fishy's ears fell in concern, already tempting her to crack her new shell and let it in. "Did something happen to you? Besides all the obvious? You're, uhh... You turned gray."
Starlight blinked. She held up a hoof to look, but it looked normal...
Oh. Right. Lights around other ponies? Loneliness that wouldn't end, and numbness to go with it?
Maybe she really could have used the nightmare shield when she thought of it while talking to Jamjars. Apparently she didn't need moon glass to do this anymore.
She wondered if she would ever be able to remember what colors were or use her horn again.
"Starlight?" Fluffy pressed, gaping.
"I guess I did," Starlight said, remembering that she had to answer. "I'm not alright, but this isn't why."
"You've had this happen before?" Fishy raised a concerned eyebrow.
Starlight nodded. "I don't know what else I could have expected."
"Right. Well, we'll deal with it when we get back to my place." Fishy beckoned everyone to follow along, and so they did.
Starlight didn't really track time, but at some point, they reached Fishy's mayor mansion, and Fluffy and the guards followed her inside. The foyer was made of muted extravagance, less a project so that one pony could feel good about owning it and more so a lot could feel good about building it. Starlight didn't think owning a fancy house would make her feel good. In fact, she already owned a house, revived and christened with the blessings of her friends, but those blessings had been laid on a foundation of expectations that had been ripped apart like a sphinx attacking a curtain. Now, even the thought of the house was toxic to her. Starlight knew that if she went there, she would cry.
She was going to cry anyway, though, so it didn't really make a difference.
"Can, uhh..." Fishy hurried about, pointing the guards to a door and Starlight and Fluffy to a plush velvet couch. "Can you keep her company for a moment, Miss Fleece? I need to settle some affairs, go through some records and start looking for someone who will be good to her..."
For a moment, Fluffy Fleece's ears perked, but then she paused, jaw halfway open. "Umm..." Contradiction flashed in her eyes, and she glanced between Starlight and the mayor. "Don't you think she needs you here instead of doing paperwork right now?"
Starlight didn't really care whether Fishy went or stayed. But what she did care about, what hit the armor she was trying to put up and utterly ruined it before it could even finish taking form, was that Fluffy had thought to say that. Forget that she was questioning someone important, the thought had crossed her mind, period.
It was too much. Starlight's legs failed, and she fell on the couch and cried.
She didn't cleanly cry, where her lungs did what she wanted and gave her volume where it would count. Instead she shook, trembled and choked, finding herself exactly out of breath whenever she wanted to scream and moaning instead, hiccupping on her tears and swaying against the couch, writhing internally and limp on the outside, unable to speak, hear or see. She wanted to expel it all through her horn, but instead she wretched, and nothing came up, coughing as she tried to sniffle and swallow at the same time.
Then something soft and bright touched her, and she was a little bit less alone.
"Here. Feel this," Fluffy said, wrapping Starlight's forehooves in something wonderful. "It always helps me when I'm feeling down."
Starlight had the presence of mind not to blow her nose in Fluffy's mane, but not the willpower to extrapolate it to anything else. She buried her face in the offered surface and whimpered, too breathless to wail. Every time she tried to suck in a breath for it, her body heaved and she lost ahold of it, and was right back where she began.
"I-I need to get help," Fishy stammered. "Please don't go anywhere. I'll be back as soon as I can!"
The guards were already elsewhere. It was just Starlight and Fluffy. And Starlight was keenly aware of her friend, how Fluffy was so scared, she was in a trance, where she acted on instinct and bottled her reflexes to do what felt right, even if she was more out of her water than she would have been facing down High Prince Gazelle. "There... there..." Fluffy tried to console.
Starlight kept crying. She hoped Fluffy knew how grateful she was that she was keeping her from being alone.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Fluffy tried. "I sort of got enough of what was going on, but not a lot."
Starlight wiped her muzzle. If she could control her breathing enough to talk, at least it might ease her pain physically. Her whole body hurt from the force of her sobs... but she swallowed and nodded, announcing that she would try.
Fluffy accepted, waiting, and eventually Starlight was able to speak. "We're from the north," she managed. "Across the mountains that way. Most ponies don't even know there's anything up there, but it's a world just as big as Equestria. And Equestria doesn't like it when anyone crosses the border."
"How did you know about it to go up there?" Fluffy asked, sitting very close by Starlight's side.
Starlight shook her head. "I didn't. I just took the old trailhead behind the fishing lake because I wanted to run away. I didn't care where I would wind up. If anywhere at all."
"The fishing lake? To the north of town? Do you care where you go now?" Fluffy asked, ears down.
"That one. And still no," Starlight sighed. "It doesn't matter where I try to go or what I try to do, because I can do anything except make myself happy. Jamjars was right when she told you I'm strong. I don't lose fights, I don't die from falling off cliffs, there's always more I can do and it never ends. I could go anywhere, but I won't find what I'm looking for. I don't even know what I'm looking for. And it hurts more the more I try, so I'm just done."
"Wow. Umm..." Fluffy hesitated, trying to change the subject. "What was it like, trying to cross the mountains? How long did it take? Did you run out of food and get hungry?"
Starlight nodded. "I think it was three weeks, but one of those I spent sick in a cave after I got rained on. And I had to eat grass and berries a lot at the end."
"That's impressive," Fluffy said.
"Thanks. I wish impressing ponies could make me happy."
Fluffy tilted her head. "If you could live with your friends, would that make you happy?"
Starlight didn't know. It was the most immediate problem facing her, yet also merely the one that had finally broken her back. However bad she felt now, she couldn't forget how utterly exhausted she had been over the previous day, and then during all their time in Kinmari. It would be better than where she was at, but no. "It wouldn't be enough."
"What else do you need?" Fluffy asked quizzically.
"I don't know..."
Fluffy let it sit for a moment, then tried a different tack. "Hey... Do you want to go for a walk? I know we're not supposed to wander around on our own, but no one's going to make trouble for us. They'd have to be a real jerk to try it when you're... you know."
Starlight didn't want to go for a walk, but she had no other desires, either. And Fluffy's vision was less clouded than hers, her life more normal and happier. Starlight didn't particularly trust anything right then, but that just meant the bar was set at ground level. Sure. Fluffy's advice couldn't hurt.
They wandered the town, and Fluffy led the way, Starlight not particularly paying attention to where they were going. Fluffy visited a few stores, and took a roundabout way between them, and asked more questions in between. The questions were pointless, but they helped Starlight keep her breathing in check, so she appreciated them all the same. Maybe that was even the intent. And maybe the store breaks were there so that she could have an excuse to go quiet and draw back into herself without accidentally interrupting a conversation and feeling awkward.
Either Fluffy was a genius and the most socially-aware pony Starlight had ever met, or she was equally lucky. Either way, Starlight wanted to give her a hug. Her world had all fallen away, and this friend was the closest thing to an anchor she could find.
"You know, I wonder what everyone assumed actually happened to you after you left the first time," Fluffy was saying, their course taking them up along the riverbank where Starlight had once played and cavorted with Sunburst. "I didn't really think about it too much, I guess, which was probably what everyone else wanted everyone to think so we didn't get distracted by the possibilities."
"They'd probably do it again," Starlight agreed, not comforted by the thought. She had yet to take her saddlebags off, and now additionally wore a sturdy coat Fluffy had bought her so that she wouldn't be conspicuous with her grayness. It was protective enough to keep out rain, like a Riverfall poncho, yet well-insulated for Sires Hollow's frequent cold weather as well... A very good coat. Starlight didn't question where her friend found the money for this. It was a good enough time waster, she supposed, and she appreciated the generosity.
She also had a whole life ahead of her to waste away, exactly like this. Making something of it was pretty much out of the question.
"You really think so?" Fluffy frowned. "You think everyone will just go back to thinking you're not worth thinking about?"
Starlight shrugged. "It's a whole town. I'm one filly who isn't related to anyone who lives here. And I've only been back for a day. Why wouldn't they?"
"I'd miss you," Fluffy pointed out with a shrug. Her own saddlebags were even bigger than Starlight's, packed full with all the stuff she had been buying. If this was stress-spending or some sort of relaxation technique, Starlight supposed it had a little merit to it, but hoped her friend wouldn't feel the consequences later.
Starlight folded her ears.
"I bet your friends miss you too," Fluffy said, her voice lower. "You could have... you know... gone with them. I don't think the guards could have stopped you. But maybe that's just me."
"My friends have come back from hardships before," Starlight replied. "They'll be fine losing me, too. A lot finer than they'd be if they started a war with Equestria for my sake."
"It sounded like they were going to do that whether you came with them or stayed here," Fluffy quietly murmured.
"Then I guess there's nothing I can do at all," Starlight huffed. "What a surprise... Sorry. I'm nothing but bad luck, though. They need to let me go."
Fluffy tilted her head, water lapping at the shore to her right. "But if the outcome is the same for their future, why not do what makes all of you happier?"
"Because I'm tired!" Starlight gritted her teeth. "Because I can't go any further! And even if I try, and even if I do, I'll just find myself somewhere else where I need to sit down and live with things that are terrible or keep going past there, too! All I'm ever good for is keeping going, because I can push myself on through anything no matter what it does to my mind or my heart or my feelings! Or my horn! I might as well be a machine instead of a pony, just pressing on forever until I get somewhere good enough that it's worth having a heart again!"
Fluffy stopped, stared, and took her saddlebags off and set them down, the river flowing by beside her. "Well, for what it's worth, I believe in you."
Starlight sniffled. She hoped the day would never come when that belief needed to be put to the test.
"...So what do you want to do, then?" Fluffy shrugged, her shoulders freed from the heavy bags. "Um... You remember how things were like after Sunburst left. You weren't really fun to be around for anyone. You're not going to do that again, aren't you?"
Starlight wilted. "Can't I just do nothing at all? I don't have the strength to try for anything."
Fluffy raised an eyebrow. "Wasn't doing nothing at all the whole point of what you were doing back then, too?"
"Yeah, but I was actively trying to do nothing and making a big deal about it." Starlight glared at the ground. "Then, I was mad. Now, I'm mad and tired, too. I don't know what I want to do with myself. I don't know who I want to grow up to be."
"You know what you want," Fluffy countered. "I know you miss your friends. I know you want them to be happy, right?"
"What are you trying to talk me into?" Starlight weakly asked. "They're gone. I sent them away. This is my life now. I chose it. I'm going to survive, and beyond that, I just don't care. Maybe I'll start my own town when I grow up, and have one where I make all the rules and fight off anything that tries to mess with them, just to make a point."
Fluffy rubbed her mane. "That doesn't sound very fulfilling, but it's better than nothing. You still miss your friends, though." She shrugged. "Even if this is different than when Sunburst left, it's still going to be just a matter of time before you run away again."
Starlight blinked.
"I saw how mad you were," Fluffy continued. "I don't see my parents get that mad that often, but when they're so mad they're too mad to yell, you know you messed up. So how long will it be until you get tired of doing nothing and get up and leave?"
She had her. That was it. Starlight swallowed, knowing it was true: for all her stubbornness, she could only do nothing for so long. Eventually, her wishes and desires would get the better of her, and she would just get up and leave.
"I'm probably going to get in really big trouble for this," Fluffy said with a sudden sense of foreboding. "But I don't think you're going to stay here. I bet you're going to leave. So... maybe you should leave now, while you have a good way to leave in."
Starlight broadened her senses, and realized exactly where they were.
There was a river to her right, but it wasn't the one that ran through town. They were far upstream, on the northern side of the sheltered fishing pond that fed that river, and this one fed the pond. It fed it with mountain runoff, pouring down from the Aldenfold, and to the side it had a familiar path, so rarely trodden it was nothing more than a thin strip of ground between the mountains and the riverbank. But she had trodden it before.
"Why are we here?" Starlight swallowed.
"You told your friends to scram, and they listened because they were your friends." Fluffy's voice was hard, and she pushed her loaded saddlebags over to Starlight, opening one to show a variety of compact, non-perishable, tightly-organized food. "Well, you're my friend, and I think this is stupid, so I'm ordering you to do the same. I'll probably get in huge trouble if anyone finds out, which they probably will, but I don't care. Go on. Get out of here. If you say you'll keep trying forever, then keep trying until you're anywhere but here."
Starlight stared at her.
"I'm taking a page from your book." Fluffy trembled. "And you had better be as strong as you say and not die up there and make it my fault. Now shoo! You're going to run away again one way or another, so do it in the way that lets you chase your friends! Don't wait forever and then run off in the opposite direction like you did for Sunburst!"
That was too much. "I-I..."
"You said that one mare was your mother," Fluffy whispered. "Well, one time, when I did something super dangerous that I don't want to talk about and got into a lot of other trouble afterward, my mom said losing a filly is the worst thing that can ever happen to someone like that. So... just... go."
How was Starlight supposed to forge her own path under this kind of pressure?
How was Starlight supposed to forge her own path when she didn't know what she wanted to forge?
Starlight swallowed, took a step... and realized that she did have the strength to continue, after all.
It would always be hard. She didn't know what it would do to her state of mind. She just knew that the one thing she could do to fight back when the world tried to twist her was to stay true to herself, and this was who she was: a filly who always had the power to keep on going, if only she would lift her hooves. Maybe her special talent really was determination, after all.
She took another step... and hugged Fluffy. "Thanks. I won't die any time soon."
"No worries." Fluffy awkwardly returned it, then stepped back, looking like she just might freak out about everything she had just done once her duty was finished.
"I'll repay you someday," Starlight promised, buckling the heavier saddlebags on alongside her own. "All this must have cost a lot-"
"Don't worry about that." Fluffy waved a wing. "You paid for it. I knew you weren't paying attention, so I went by your house first and grabbed some of those bits they unloaded. You have more than enough to fill a treasure chest waiting there if you ever come back."
"I will," Starlight promised, an immeasurable wave of stubborn resolve filling her and buoying her above everything else. Whatever else was wrong with her life, the world wouldn't be able to break her after all, because when she was completely broken, she could still keep going. "I swear it."
It was almost comforting enough to push the pain of the sudden parting out of her head and leave it behind, because Starlight knew she could make that right. Her friends would make the choice to fight on for her and stick their necks in hot water whether she tried to stop them or not, so she might as well try her hardest not to let that be in vain. She would see them again, and one day, they would get their writs and cross the border and properly found Our Town and get their happy ending together.
For the second time in her life, Starlight stepped onto the trail into the Aldenfold, and she didn't look back.
Stats
Page generated in 0.203 seconds
Total duration
1,030 users online
2,239,515 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
...Fluffy is the sort of friend we all need.
The friend who will put her friends above herself. she just got one of her old friends back, less than a day ago, and now she's pushing her out.
At least this time, they got to share a farewell.
...I wonder if Starlight ever made good on that promise to return.
7.
Huh. Moonsword is like a puppy. Well, I guess that means it's safe from Gazelle...
...except now Glimmy is headed his way too. That was unexpected. Of course, even though her travel time should be faster this round, that still leaves plenty of time for her to find everything a disaster when she makes it.
10116415
..wasn't Gazelle able to track her by scent like Valey could?
10116434
I think he was able to track Gwendolyns Cutie-Mark, i.e. the Moonglass sword
I see what you did there. This has been very long in the making, has it?
I see what you did there. This has been in the making even longer, has it?
Because of some kind of magical affinity or because of the friend who retrieved the sword back in Kinmari?
I guess that can explain the gasps when Starlight resisted Jamjar’s attempt to blow her back, although I’m not sure how Starlight only ended up grayed now as opposed to then.
Wait, were those Equestrian bits? I thought most of the money on the Dream came from the Griffon Empire. Is their currency compatible?
Fluffy is a good friend.
And so the journey starts again... This could have made for a not-terrible ending point, so the next story can start off in a similar manner to this one. Can’t wait to see how things go pear-shaped in the week we have left.
10116523
What’s the second quote a reference to?
10116660
You should have a look at his older story titles.
10116850
Ah, I see. Thanks for pointing it out!
That's... Wow. What a way to showcase how Starlight has changed over the course of the story. We're back where we started, having gained meaningless power, lost friends, and maybe, just maybe, a sense of purpose.
fluffy coming in as the mvp right at the end. but damn, i really didnt expect after the huge journey, the thing that broke starlight was.....jamjars. its so far past sad that im not even sure what word to use.