• Member Since 6th Nov, 2016
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Baxter1984


Comments ( 433 )

I enjoyed this story so far, the male Luna and Twilight romance is intriguing to me; I suggest you add the AU tag because Luna is male.

I get the impression that Twilight is acting too confidant and brash, feels more like Rainbow Dash than Twilight. It's your story so you can make her do whatever you want but I think she would be closer to her character if there is a bit of hesitation or internal panicking.

JackRipper
Moderator

said Rarity
Rainbow Dash replied
stammered Fluttershy
exclaimed Pinkie Pie
Applejack spoke up
Rainbow wined

I'll give you props that they're all in character and that what you have is both cohesive and structured well enough. The writing though is very linear and kind of dulls what you're intending to convey. The first chapter is just too short and there isn't enough atmosphere for me to really appreciate everything that's going on. :unsuresweetie:

>sees new story in TwiLuna -> Romance
Intriguing

>sees tags and number of chapters
Checking all boxes so far...

>sees adnotation in description:

Note* Princess Luna is male in this story

Aaaand there goes all my interest. Avoiding.

8167575 And that's just fine, it's your preference. No one said you had to read it. I got the idea from reading another Prince Artemis story on this site and wanted to go in a slightly different direction.

8167369 Thank you. I am trying to keep them in character as much as possible. As for the rest, its my first story so I'm still trying to get the hang of it.

good story, so far, good start, I be wait for more,

8167234 Thank you for the reminder, I added the AU tag.
As for Twilight, it is not my intention for her to seem brash. However, I set this 3 years after she became a princess, so she has had some time and experience to build her confidence.

great story so far. I cant wait for more chapters.

JackRipper
Moderator

8167800
You'll get better with time, I just want you to know that by developing the atmosphere through vivid description, you can skip a lot of this redundant narrative.

I like this, and can't wait for more:pinkiehappy:

8167796
I'm not bashing or anything, just letting you know that there might be people with my opinion.
And whoever downvoted me, that was very immature.

This has promise.

Ive been wanting to write a male Luna and Twilight for some time so its cool to see someone else posting some. I look forward to seeing where you take this.

I think Celestia wouldn't have quite gotten that angry (but she certainly was justified to get mad). She usually has excellent control over her appearance and emotions and I rather think she would have still mostly appeared calm. Mostly, but with cracks in that visage. But everyone would have felt the ripples of anger rippling out from her.

I think that Nightmare finds something about Twilight attractive, just like Artemis does. So that must have something to do with him just letting her in a little too easy.

Cute. Pretty damn good for a first story. Definitely tracking.

8167882 Thank you, I'm glad you like it :twilightsmile:

8168652 Thank you.
If you haven't already, try "Cheaters Never Win" by The Iron Mask. It is also a Twilight and male Luna story.

Comment posted by lillytheomegawolf deleted May 17th, 2017

Dumb Dum DAAAAA and the Hammer or the Hoof is about to fall on Blueblood not only did they hear what Blueblood and his group were saying while they were entering the Throne room but Twilight has seemed to have found Bluebloods Master plan and such a cute scene with Twi and Artemis. :twilightsmile: that last part was :twilightangry2: and have a :trollestia: for that cute little scene with Celestia and Twi.

triple royal cantlot voice set to go in 3....2....1.....

8170782

could you Pm me the link to that fic that you mentioned I would like to read it.

8171129 https://www.fimfiction.net/story/283899/1/cheaters-never-win/chapter-1
I hope this goes through. If not, the author, The Iron Mask commented on my story. You can use that to get to the story.

Yep. This is definitely good. Keep up the good work.

One thing I picked up though.
The breakfast scene. Its mentioned how long the prince had been without somepony special. He seems to have not had one before right?
So as someone with such a long standing stint of being single, he kisses Twilight right then and there? ...I dunno. Would he even have been sure enough about his rusty kisses to have wanted to make that his fist show of open affection? Or to have just given what may have been his first kiss away like that? No awkward kissing? Come on, one is Twilight, a bookworm and the prince of the night who i doubt interacts with many ponies on a close level. That's two who are highly likely to not be the hottest kissers, especially with 0 practice. I would have gone with a hug and some cuddly cute display, then nuzzled her and told her that she was being silly. That would be enough to shock Twilight quiet. Then he would have asked to court her. I think there is other ways to show that connection and desire to be with her rather than a sudden (first) kiss.
Also, its commonly the guy who's meant to make the first move, so what was Twilight supposed to do. Remember, here Luna really is the guy so wouldnt society have embedded in Twilight's mind that you expect the stallion to ask you? Especially with the more old fashioned of folks. Would Twilight not have factored that in too? Then her mind could have added the reason that because the prince hasn't asked, that hes probably not interested?

Oh also, its Luna right? so where be ye olde Equestrian that he would slip into from time to time like Luna does? Or we leaving that out in this story?

I don't mean to come across as trying to chew your head off for it or anything, but I couldn't help but try and break down what I think might be going on in his head, where hes coming from and also to try and offer something constructive to go alongside all that. Plus, you have me engaged in your story and thus I wanna really let you know what I think about it rather than just going; yea. Its a cool chapter, keep going please.
Because it is a great story thus far and aside from the breakfast scene bugging me a little, I'm really happy with what Ive read so far.

8171801 Thank you for the compliments. :twilightsmile:
As for your comment about the kiss, notice that I did start with hugging and nuzzling. And I did not say that they were great kisses, the idea is for the feelings to get through. Because neither of them are experienced in relationships, kisses mean more to them.
And Artemis' use of old equestrian? I am choosing not to use that because he has been back for nearly 4 years and has studied a lot. (It's not really used that much, if at all, in the show either after Luna's first couple of appearances) The other reason is that it is simply easier for me to write.

8171918 Celestia hugged Twi yes. Or am i missing something here?

And ok, was just wondering.

8171106 I hadn't thought of that, but I like it! :twilightsmile: :pinkiehappy:

Is it OK I put that in the next chapter? I have the perfect place for it.

8171922 I meant Twilight hugging and nuzzling Artemis

I hope it goes around town how cute Twi must have looked nuzzling the prince

great job. thanks for updating this. its one of my favorites. cant wait for more chapters

Show, don't tell please. The whole first part (in fact, most of the chapter) you had very some dialogue written but a lot of this pony said this or that. For instance

All of them jumped up, expressing concern

but what was said? did they all move as a big heard in sync or were they all over the place. This could have been made funny (if you detailed especially how they jumped up then stated yammering) or added to the feeling of concern for their princess if I had read what they were saying rather than just been told that they expressed their concern.

Celestia told her guards that the three of them needed to relax a bit and would be fine without guards for a while.

and this could totally have been in speech marks and converted to something a bit longer, but then I could have read it in Celestia’s voice (if you nailed the way she speaks for such a moment) and it would have been more engaging and enjoyable. It also makes me less inclined to get into the story and characters when we just breeze past a tense moment and I can't hear the characters talking in my mind.
When you tell us roughly what is going on wether it be events or speech that should only be used in places where you feel we need to jump forward in time or places where the details don't matter.

Astronomy. That didn't exist 1000 years ago? Okay... Im sure some ponies looked up at the stars and found them amazing enough to study, even back then. For the sake of the story I’ll go along with it.

This chapter was okay overall. But yea, onto the next.

This chapter, much better. I look forward to more.

Looking forward for more

MMMMMOOOOORRRRREEEEEEE!
PLEASE?

8264061
Literally working on it now. Expect an update within a few days.

8264373
that make me and most likely other very happy

this is still one of my favorite stories. cant wait for more. keep up the great work

8272730
Thank you! I will try :pinkiehappy:

Very sweet.
And a nice cute ending too. I like it.
As a big Tuna fan, I think your making me like Male Luna x Twi even more than the normal Tuna. Good job.

8273612
Thank you! :twilightsmile:
And I'm not sure if I should say I'm sorry or your welcome. :twilightoops:

I feel bad for Artemis, he has to go though both twilight parents and most likey her friends...

Oooh
New chapter bomb.

This was a cute chapter. I like whats in it. Now, onwards :twilightsmile:

great job updating this. I cant wait for more. I love this story

8306793
yeap but now I be expect this time of chapter bomb for this story a lot now

Nice to see these updates. Things are progressing well I see for our cute couple. Although Celestia trying to get her bother and Twilight into bed with her like that was a bit weird.

I have a feeling about the 'welcome, Artemis.' is it the nightmare? Or Twilight?

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