Twilight senses something troubling and teleports to Canterlot. This leads to a series of events that force her to face feelings that she had tried to hide.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Show, don't tell please. The whole first part (in fact, most of the chapter) you had very some dialogue written but a lot of this pony said this or that. For instance
but what was said? did they all move as a big heard in sync or were they all over the place. This could have been made funny (if you detailed especially how they jumped up then stated yammering) or added to the feeling of concern for their princess if I had read what they were saying rather than just been told that they expressed their concern.
and this could totally have been in speech marks and converted to something a bit longer, but then I could have read it in Celestia’s voice (if you nailed the way she speaks for such a moment) and it would have been more engaging and enjoyable. It also makes me less inclined to get into the story and characters when we just breeze past a tense moment and I can't hear the characters talking in my mind.
When you tell us roughly what is going on wether it be events or speech that should only be used in places where you feel we need to jump forward in time or places where the details don't matter.
Astronomy. That didn't exist 1000 years ago? Okay... Im sure some ponies looked up at the stars and found them amazing enough to study, even back then. For the sake of the story I’ll go along with it.
This chapter was okay overall. But yea, onto the next.
8220019
I was actually thinking the same throughout this story. You should really consider going back over your chapters and fleshing out these events with more dialogue and description. A lot of fanfiction writers write in rush like it is a race to get to the next exciting part, but the reader doesn't feel excited at all because you are telling us what is happing but not showing. Please consider this as you write and your characters and story will benefit by not feeling so shallow.
8848279
I agree with this also, although the story so far is good. It would add to it if more fleshed out
'Not qualified' indeed....